Thursday Morning Monologue - December 15, 2011

Good morning, everyone! I've discovered through a hands-on test that my new Lenovo laptop is tougher than a bowl of Nissin Oriental Ramen Soup. Haven't tested other recipes, but so far the $300 computer has beaten the $0.39 soup packet. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it stays that way. Crossed fingers make it hard to type jokes, by the way, so I hope you laugh extra-hard at these.

Gary Busey rescinded his endorsement of presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, saying that Newt was going to have "work a lot harder" to keep Busey from endorsing him again. Meanwhile, Christine O'Donnell endorsed Mitt Romney, so this has been a good week for Ron Paul.

A recent study found that one in five women in the U.S.A. have been the victims of sexual assault. That number is horrifying, and we can't blame them all on Herman Cain.

Speaking of blame, The Jersey Shore was the most watched cable series in 2011. I don't have a joke here, just hoping to shame anyone who has been watching it. Shaaaaame.

Matthew McConaughey shaved his head this week. I guess he's taking his breakup with Kevin Federline tougher than we thought.

Speaking of single, on Ellen this week, Charlize Theron said she is "really enjoying" being single. No, really. Seriously. Why won't you believe that?!

Time Magazine named The Protester as it's Person of the Year. They would have singled out an individual protester, but the editors at Time think all poor people look alike.

The number of married couples in the U.S. is at an all time low, probably because more and more Americans are horrible people that no one can stand to be around. That would explain the high numbers for The Jersey Shore.

And finally, Barbara Walters revealed that the Kardashians and Donald Trump made her Most Fascinating List for 2011. Other top contenders for the list: A train wreck and a burning house.

And that's all for me this week. Thanks for reading! See you on Monday. Until then, enjoy Spencer's work tomorrow, and have a great weekend!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 2, 2011

Hey, everyone! It's Wednesday, which means you're as far from the last weekend as you are from the next. It's like purgatory, except it makes sense. Speaking of making sense, I'll be performing Thursday at the Happy Sounds Comedy Show, 8pm at the Creek and Cave in Queens. If you're in the area, come on out! It's free, for crying out loud. Also free: these jokes.

Arizona authorities busted up a drug ring worth $33million per month because they found out the cartel was using undocumented laborers.

In Japan, the Prime Minister recently drank water from puddles at the Fukushima nuclear reactor to show it was safe. He did it because journalists dared him to. That's also the reason why he was eating worms at a press conference yesterday.

Pizza-man and presidential hopeful Herman Cain denounced the sexual harassment charges against him, calling them a "witch hunt." Christine O'Donnell immediately went into hiding. Because she's a witch.

Relativity Media is shooting a film in the Chinese province of Shandong, despite the fact that Chinese authorities are holding a blind human rights activist under house arrest there. Said a spokesman for the company, "that's okay, he wasn't going to see our movie anyway."

In England, Apple fired an employee for making a disparaging Facebook post about the company, but really it's because he did it using a Blackberry.

Caving in to pressure from customers, Bank of America is cancelling their proposed $5/month debit card fee. Instead, they'll just go back to selling mortgage-backed securities. Everyone wins!

Actress and trainwreck Megan Fox is set to make her Broadway debut this month. Any chance she could join Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark?

Speaking of S-M:TOtD, the musical is about to lose two of its original performers. Careful, you two. I've seen enough Vietnam movies to know it's always the short-timers that get it.

Okay, that's gotta do it for today. Dig deep everyone, and have a great day! I'll see you tomorrow.

Metaphorically, of course. I can't actually see any of you. So you should feel free to continue reading my blog on the toilet in the morning. Nobody can see you but God. Well, that's enough. Bye!

Thursday Morning Monologue - February 24, 2011

Yesterday in Central Falls, Rhode Island, the city fired all of its high school teachers in what sounds suspiciously like the beginning of a raucous teen comedy.

Ford Motors recalled thousands of F-150 trucks over a problem with improperly installed airbags. A spokesman for the company explained, saying, "our trucks aren't supposed to have airbags 'cause our customers don't need 'em! Airbags are for little sissies who drive Chevrolets! Right?! Yeah! Let's go get tanked! Ford tough!"

In a bold show of leadership by omission, the Obama administration will no longer be defending federal laws that ban gay marriage. Congratulations, President Obama, for being lazy enough to finally do the right thing on gay marriage!

Alleged television star and "Real Housewives" participant Countess LuAnn de Lesseps is back in the news for her upcoming appearance on Law and Order: SVU. Ms. de Lesseps said she's excited to be back in scripted television.

A recent software update from Microsoft caused some Windows Mobile devices to stop working entirely. When confronted by angry consumers, Steve Ballmer said "come on, you can't really be surprised."

Christine O'Donnell revealed yesterday that she was invited to join Dancing With The Stars, indicating that America may be out of stars. When asked if she could dance, Ms. O'Donnell replied, "no, but I also can't think in coherent thoughts, and I was almost a Senator. Why not give it a shot?"

Musician/rolemodel Sting said yesterday that he was troubled by the violence in Libya, and worried about the future of the country. Well, that's it. If you've lost Sting, you've lost Libya.

Lastly, a man jumped the barricade during a taping of NBC's Today Show, shouting "I'm God's gift to music!" before being subdued by security guards. It's the most bizarre Today Show moment in recent memory that didn't involve Kathie Lee.

That's it for me. Spencer's here tomorrow and Earnest checks in on Sunday. Tell your friends, share us on Facebook/Twitter/Buzz/CompuServe and let us know what you're thinking!

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 30, 2010

Alright, let's get to it.

A recent poll revealed that 20% of Americans want the government to regulate the Internet in the same way that the FCC regulates broadcast television. Coincidentally, that's the same percentage of Americans who want those damn kids to stay off their lawn.