Fair warning, these jokes might reveal something of a political bias. You've been warned. And now, JOKES!
Satellite imagery confirms that Iran is destroying suspected nuclear sites ahead of international inspections. It's okay, Iran. We all know you're chasing nuclear weapons. You're not fooling anyone. It's like Larry Craig talking about how much he doesn't like sex with men after being caught soliciting sex with men in public. Just be out and proud, Iran.
In American news, actors Kevin Costner and Stephen Baldwin are headed to court over a failed machine they made to clean up the 2010 Gulf of Mexico oil spill. Look for it to be the most interesting performance from either of them in a decade.
Musician Simon Le Bon was angry that his band, Duran Duran, wasn't invited to perform for the Queen's 60th Jubilee this week. Tough break when you're not cool enough for an 86 year-old English lady.
Shares of Research in Motion, makers of the BlackBerry smartphone, have dipped below $10 per share, meaning that it is now cheaper to own BlackBerry than it is to own a BlackBerry.
Senator Rand Paul (wait, is that right? He's a Senator?) helped defeat the Paycheck Fairness Act this week, comparing the bill, which would require men and women to be paid the same amount for the same work, to the old Soviet Politburo. That's right, isn't it? The Politburo was all about feminism and equal rights, wasn't it? Yeah, probably. Look, he's a man, so let's trust him.
In Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker managed to hold onto his seat, surviving a recall election with 58% of the vote. In a related story, the new Doritos Locos Taco is the most popular item Taco Bell has ever sold, moving over 100million units. Not saying there's a correlation, just that with the right marketing blitz, you can get people to swallow just about any piece of shit.
Speaking of, Donald Trump complained yesterday about being saddled with the term "birther" which he called derogatory. It sucks, doesn't it, when people insist upon calling you something, over and over-- even if it isn't true-- until it just sticks like that. How awful.
And finally, 46% of Americans believe in evolution, which is a pretty strong argument that it doesn't work on brains.
That's all. Tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow. Till then, auf wiedersehen!
Showing posts with label larry craig. Show all posts
Showing posts with label larry craig. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 24, 2012
What's up, friends? How about we find out... together. Aww...
In Egypt, the national presidential election began yesterday. Security forces were on hand to respond to violence from Ron Paul supporters.
In Pakistan, the doctor who helped the CIA find Osama bin Laden was sentenced to 33 years in prison for treason. Should have been spying on Tyler Clementi instead.
A vial purported to contain a sample of Ronald Reagan's blood is up for auction. How about we infect the Gipper's sample with HIV? Maybe then the GOP would fund some AIDS research.
Speaking of the GOP, Newt Gingrich's private venture projects are going bankrupt, so he may have to get back into the presidential race. LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE FREE MARKET!
Zoologists have found evidence of Chimps exhibiting human behavior recently. Specifically, they've noticed an increase in Chimps polluting the environment, buying lottery tickets and ignoring the news.
In Beijing, health officials are imposing an allowable limit of two flies per any public toilet. Any additional flies will be aborted. In a related story, Senator Larry Craig said "two flies per toilet? Sounds like a good start."
Secret Service agents dismissed in the prostitution scandal are contesting their firings, as well as their credit card bills.
And finally, Jack Kerouac's classic work On the Road is now a major motion picture, showing a whole new generation that writing doesn't need to be good to have an impact.
I'M LIVING PROOF! And that's it! Let's do it again tomorrow!
In Egypt, the national presidential election began yesterday. Security forces were on hand to respond to violence from Ron Paul supporters.
In Pakistan, the doctor who helped the CIA find Osama bin Laden was sentenced to 33 years in prison for treason. Should have been spying on Tyler Clementi instead.
A vial purported to contain a sample of Ronald Reagan's blood is up for auction. How about we infect the Gipper's sample with HIV? Maybe then the GOP would fund some AIDS research.
Speaking of the GOP, Newt Gingrich's private venture projects are going bankrupt, so he may have to get back into the presidential race. LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE FREE MARKET!
Zoologists have found evidence of Chimps exhibiting human behavior recently. Specifically, they've noticed an increase in Chimps polluting the environment, buying lottery tickets and ignoring the news.
In Beijing, health officials are imposing an allowable limit of two flies per any public toilet. Any additional flies will be aborted. In a related story, Senator Larry Craig said "two flies per toilet? Sounds like a good start."
Secret Service agents dismissed in the prostitution scandal are contesting their firings, as well as their credit card bills.
And finally, Jack Kerouac's classic work On the Road is now a major motion picture, showing a whole new generation that writing doesn't need to be good to have an impact.
I'M LIVING PROOF! And that's it! Let's do it again tomorrow!
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