Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 24, 2011

It's about time this week had a Wednesday. I'm trying out a new deodorant, and I'm very emotionally invested, so keep your fingers crossed! In the meantime, laugh it up.

Tropical Storm Irene was downgraded on Monday from a Category 2 to a Category 1 storm. Turns out that Irene also supported President Obama's financial regulatory reforms. S&P has gone mad with power. MAAAAAD!!!!

In other disaster news, the east coast was struck by a 5.8 magnitude earthquake, centered in Mineral, Virginia. It was is the result of shifting between tectonic plates, but New York district attorneys are already blaming Nafissatou Diallo for the disturbance.

The quake is similar to earthquakes on the west coast, except it has a better theater scene, wears more black, and never learned how to drive. Oh, New York City is different from Los Angeles! Cutting edge comedy from 1987!

Okay, so there was an earthquake, and a tropical storm is threatening to land on the east coast. What else could go wrong? What's that? Oh, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are moving back? Great. It's like Cloverfield all over again.

In Libya, rebel forces captured Colonel Gadhafi's compound while the Colonel went into hiding. It's like the most dramatic episode of Trading Spaces ever.

An Alaskan mother was arrested for abusing her son in order to get onto the Dr. Phil show, which is strange considering that watching Dr. Phil is considered child abuse.

In other news, former President Bill Clinton became a vegan recently, proving it's never too late to become insufferable. HA! Kidding. Veganism is awesome.

And finally, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett denied rumors they were splitting up. "That's just crazy," Smith said, "unlike Scientology, which is totally cool. Have you read Dianetics? There's some awesome stuff about spaceships in there."

And... scene. More tomorrow? Yes, and then some other stuff, too!

Till then, have a great day!