Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 8, 2011

NewsCorp announced this week that they are ready to be rid of MySpace, which puts them almost four years behind the rest of America. The announcement is terrible news for fans of Dane Cook and great news for people who hate java.

A fire tore through several warehouses in Rio's carnivale district. Fire marshals investigating the blaze blamed it on the bossa nova. They're not very good at their job.

In Asia, Thai and Cambodian forces have been fighting over an ancient temple while also enjoying some of the most amazing irony in modern history. Kudos, you magnificent, myopic bastards.

In Green Bay, Wisconsin, football fans took to the streets in celebration over the Packers' Super Bowl win. In response, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak refused to step down. Elsewhere, Tom Brady polished his MVP trophy in silence.

In the American south, many conservative Democrats are switching their party affiliation to the Republican party, citing their love for small government and how tired they are of pretending not to be racist.

Japanese sports authorities have called off an upcoming sumo tournament amid a match-fixing scandal. A source close to the story said "these sumo have no honor; they've taken a beautiful sport based around morbidly obese men in diapers slamming their bellies together and made it into something dirty."

Former President George W. Bush canceled a visit to Geneva, supposedly due to the possibility that Swiss authorities would arrest him for crimes against humanity. Usually it just takes a hurricane to keep him out of a city.

Lastly, a company in California recalled over 3,000 lbs of ground beef contaminated with E. coli bacteria. The company told consumers to be wary of any beef that tastes "shitty."

That's it for now. Thanks for reading, hope you tell your friends!

Thursday Morning Monologue - February 3, 2011

What's more fun than a season full of snow and ice? How about some jokes?

It was Groundhog Day yesterday, and Punxsutawney Phil came out of his hole to predict an early Spring before he unfortunately froze to death in the icy rain.

In entertainment news, reports surfaced this week that television star Tracy Morgan received a kidney from his ex-girlfriend, which is way more impressive than the standard booty call.

Musician Elton John said this week that he's worried about his friend and beard-enthusiast Billy Joel, who he says needs serious rehab. Billy Joel responded by saying that Elton John needs another dead Princess to jump start his career.

In politics, California Governor Jerry Brown compared the state of California to Egypt, which really isn't fair, considering that Egypt isn't bankrupt yet.

The Environmental Protection Agency announced yesterday that they would, for the first time, take steps to limit the amount of the rocket fuel Perchlorate in drinking water supplies. This move comes as part of the Obama administration's new effort to keep people from getting cancer and exploding.

In Japan, thirteen sumo wrestlers are under investigation for fixing fights. In America, that's called "Professional Wrestling."

Farrah Fawcett's famous red swimsuit, worn in her famous pinup poster, went to the Smithsonian this week. It will be displayed alongside the Venus of Malta as the centerpiece in the new "Hall of Masturbation."

Lastly, the website WikiLeaks was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize this week.  In a related story, Perez Hilton was nominated for a Humanitas Award. One pundit noted, "hey, if The Tourist can get nominated for Best Comedy or Musical, then all bets are off."

That's it for me this week.

Spencer Hicks is in tomorrow, and Earnest Pettie will be bringing you some laughter on Sunday. So, thanks for stopping by! Come back soon and tell your friends!