Hi! Meteorologists report that this is so far the hottest summer on record for the northeast. It's probably because of my new haircut. Sorry, everyone.
Television viewers watching the Olympics in Usain Bolt's hometown in Jamaica panicked yesterday when the power went out just before Bolt's 100meter race. But, then they remembered that they weren't being forced to endure NBC's godawful commentary, and celebrations broke out.
According to a new study, neurologists found differences in the brain scans of hoarders. Seems that in certain parts of the brain that are usually empty, hoarders have a bunch of newspapers and old plates shoved in.
Gov. Romney is gaining on President Obama in the fundraising race. Remember, the first one to hit the "Buy it Now" price of the White House on eBay wins!
The NYPD has come under fire from women for pat downs by male officers that they claim have a "sexual overtone." Officers have been instructed to be more subtle when rubbing their semi-erect penises against suspect's bodies. And to quit patting themselves down in public.
That's a masturbation joke.
The company Kno is now offering high school textbooks on e-readers. And fortunately, you will still be able to draw pictures of wieners in the margins for the next user.
"Scientists" in a recent "study" found a person's eyes may indicate their sexual orientation, especially if the eyes won't stop looking at boobs or wangs.
Three dick jokes? Is this a record?
Organizers of a mosque in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, finally got a court order allowing them to continue building their mosque. Celebrations were tempered by the fact that they were still in Tennessee.
And finally, a Chevron oil refinery in California is currently burning. A representative from the company said they expect to have the fire contained just as soon as gas rises another $0.30 per gallon.
That's the end!
Showing posts with label heat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heat. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - August 5, 2012
Oh, happy day! It's a day for jokes. Let's do that.
A recent psychological study found that depression rates rise among teenage girls. I blame Twilight.
Internet analysts found that there are 83 million "fake" people on Facebook. And that's not even including your old roommate. You know the one I'm talking about.
Egypt's new president swore in his cabinet, saying that he's really looking forward to working with them for the next few weeks, or however long they last.
American Insurance Group (AIG) is looking to buy back its stock from the government. This is terrible news. If they keep buying up worthless crap like that, they'll be bankrupt again in no time!
A New Jersey man found pythons in his yard twice in four days last week, but says he still rejects Freudian dream interpretation.
Apple is moving its iCloud data center to Reno, so don't be surprised if your data gets addicted to slot machines, becomes alcoholic and eventually turns to stripping.
Bad news for the environment. Schools of fish in Australia, under an area of weak ozone layer, have developed skin cancer. But in a happy turn, sushi chefs are already working on recipes for Tempura Tumor Rolls.
And finally, it's officially August, and it is most likely the hottest month in the history of the world. I think that's what scientists have been saying. I don't know, it's so hard to pay attention to anything when it gets this hot. In that same vein, here are some tips for keeping your composure in the heat this summer.
Heat survival tips
* You may think it would be cooler if you were actually on fire. But that's not the case. Don't set yourself on fire.
* Lose some damn weight.
* Sweat helps to dissipate heat from your body. Try and steal sweat from others to cool yourself.
* Carrying around anger can lead you to overheat. So when you get mad, just punch someone.
* Dogs cool themselves by panting with their tongues out. Isn't that silly? Stupid dogs.
* In Iraq, average temperatures regularly reach well above 115 degrees. So maybe quit your bitching.
* Remember that one time, in the winter, when there was all that snow, and you were so mad about it? What does it take to make you happy?!
* Some people say that fans are a perfect substitute for air conditioning. Those people are assholes. Don't listen to them.
Bye! Stay cool!
A recent psychological study found that depression rates rise among teenage girls. I blame Twilight.
Internet analysts found that there are 83 million "fake" people on Facebook. And that's not even including your old roommate. You know the one I'm talking about.
Egypt's new president swore in his cabinet, saying that he's really looking forward to working with them for the next few weeks, or however long they last.
American Insurance Group (AIG) is looking to buy back its stock from the government. This is terrible news. If they keep buying up worthless crap like that, they'll be bankrupt again in no time!
A New Jersey man found pythons in his yard twice in four days last week, but says he still rejects Freudian dream interpretation.
Apple is moving its iCloud data center to Reno, so don't be surprised if your data gets addicted to slot machines, becomes alcoholic and eventually turns to stripping.
Bad news for the environment. Schools of fish in Australia, under an area of weak ozone layer, have developed skin cancer. But in a happy turn, sushi chefs are already working on recipes for Tempura Tumor Rolls.
And finally, it's officially August, and it is most likely the hottest month in the history of the world. I think that's what scientists have been saying. I don't know, it's so hard to pay attention to anything when it gets this hot. In that same vein, here are some tips for keeping your composure in the heat this summer.
Heat survival tips
* You may think it would be cooler if you were actually on fire. But that's not the case. Don't set yourself on fire.
* Lose some damn weight.
* Sweat helps to dissipate heat from your body. Try and steal sweat from others to cool yourself.
* Carrying around anger can lead you to overheat. So when you get mad, just punch someone.
* Dogs cool themselves by panting with their tongues out. Isn't that silly? Stupid dogs.
* In Iraq, average temperatures regularly reach well above 115 degrees. So maybe quit your bitching.
* Remember that one time, in the winter, when there was all that snow, and you were so mad about it? What does it take to make you happy?!
* Some people say that fans are a perfect substitute for air conditioning. Those people are assholes. Don't listen to them.
Bye! Stay cool!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 11, 2012
Happy Wednesday. Are you surviving the heat? If you aren't then you're probably dead, and at the risk of sounding prejudiced, I don't want dead people reading my blog. Go read the Drudge Report or something.
If you're not dead, then I have some tips for you on surviving the summer heat that are about as useful as people asking you if it is hot enough for you. Hate those guys...
* Ancient Egyptians used to spread crocodile dung on their skin to keep cool. Try it! And post your results on YouTube.
* In the 1920s, people used to go to the movie theaters to stay cool. Build a time machine, go back to the 1920s and enjoy all the ice-cooled air you can stand! Oh, and also, maybe try and do something about that Hitler fella.
* Mammals are warm-blooded. Therefore, the more blood in your body, the hotter you're going to be. See if you can't do something about that.
* Move north.
* Buddhists believe that our desire is the source of our suffering. So, if you're suffering in the heat, it's your own fault, you greedy asshole.
* Nerves carry sensory data, like heat, to our brains. Lots of household cleaning products cause nerve damage. You do the math.
* Get naked. Unless you are ugly.
* Turn up the air conditioner, numbnuts. It's too late to do anything about climate change, so go crazy!
That's all for now! Stay cool, Internet!
If you're not dead, then I have some tips for you on surviving the summer heat that are about as useful as people asking you if it is hot enough for you. Hate those guys...
* Ancient Egyptians used to spread crocodile dung on their skin to keep cool. Try it! And post your results on YouTube.
* In the 1920s, people used to go to the movie theaters to stay cool. Build a time machine, go back to the 1920s and enjoy all the ice-cooled air you can stand! Oh, and also, maybe try and do something about that Hitler fella.
* Mammals are warm-blooded. Therefore, the more blood in your body, the hotter you're going to be. See if you can't do something about that.
* Move north.
* Buddhists believe that our desire is the source of our suffering. So, if you're suffering in the heat, it's your own fault, you greedy asshole.
* Nerves carry sensory data, like heat, to our brains. Lots of household cleaning products cause nerve damage. You do the math.
* Get naked. Unless you are ugly.
* Turn up the air conditioner, numbnuts. It's too late to do anything about climate change, so go crazy!
That's all for now! Stay cool, Internet!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 10, 2011
Welcome to the brand new Late Night Morning Way Back Wednesday. The kids have all been asking, "hey, what would snarky topical humor have been like in August of 1911?" Here it is, kids. You're welcome.
Big news from the Vatican today, as Pope Pius X lowered the age of first communion to seven years old. That's just like the Catholic Church, always treating kids like adults.
Speaking of big news, the first American newsreel premiered in theaters yesterday, and President Taft has already accused it of promoting a biased liberal agenda. He also accused the camera of adding ten pounds. Because he's fat.
Happy birthday to our newest states, Arizona and New Mexico! You're all Americans now! Well, most of you.
Speaking of deserts, the mercury hit a record high of 98 degrees in England today! It got so hot, that people started emigrating to India just to cool off! And to exploit the natural resources of the subcontinent while denying hundreds of millions of people the right to self-determination. Is that hot or what?!
Big news in aviation this week. Harriet Quimby, a woman, became a licensed pilot! She's only the second woman ever to become a pilot, unless you count all those backseat pilots! Am I right fellas?! But seriously, Harriet, congratulations. Maybe some day you'll get to vote.
In French military news, the government is trying to get rid of old officers. They're forcing retirement on any officer "who can no longer ride a horse." Bad news for French soldiers with hemorrhoids!
In Peru, explorer and bon vivant Hiram Bingham rediscovered the ancient, lost city of Machu Picchu! By the time Bingham left, Charles Russell was already there handing out copies of The Watchtower.
In booze news, Texas voters recently rejected a prohibition of alcohol sales in the state. Glad we're done with that, am I right? The state then celebrated with a restrained, dignified orgy of liquor and firearms.
And lastly, the Brooklyn Rapid Transit company was just awarded a $235,000,000 contract to build 87 miles of new subway lines in New York City. They'll throw in the urine smell for free.
That's all for now! Stay tuned for more broken news! See you tomorrow, or yesterday!
Until then, have a great day.
Big news from the Vatican today, as Pope Pius X lowered the age of first communion to seven years old. That's just like the Catholic Church, always treating kids like adults.
Speaking of big news, the first American newsreel premiered in theaters yesterday, and President Taft has already accused it of promoting a biased liberal agenda. He also accused the camera of adding ten pounds. Because he's fat.
Happy birthday to our newest states, Arizona and New Mexico! You're all Americans now! Well, most of you.
Speaking of deserts, the mercury hit a record high of 98 degrees in England today! It got so hot, that people started emigrating to India just to cool off! And to exploit the natural resources of the subcontinent while denying hundreds of millions of people the right to self-determination. Is that hot or what?!
Big news in aviation this week. Harriet Quimby, a woman, became a licensed pilot! She's only the second woman ever to become a pilot, unless you count all those backseat pilots! Am I right fellas?! But seriously, Harriet, congratulations. Maybe some day you'll get to vote.
In French military news, the government is trying to get rid of old officers. They're forcing retirement on any officer "who can no longer ride a horse." Bad news for French soldiers with hemorrhoids!
In Peru, explorer and bon vivant Hiram Bingham rediscovered the ancient, lost city of Machu Picchu! By the time Bingham left, Charles Russell was already there handing out copies of The Watchtower.
In booze news, Texas voters recently rejected a prohibition of alcohol sales in the state. Glad we're done with that, am I right? The state then celebrated with a restrained, dignified orgy of liquor and firearms.
And lastly, the Brooklyn Rapid Transit company was just awarded a $235,000,000 contract to build 87 miles of new subway lines in New York City. They'll throw in the urine smell for free.
That's all for now! Stay tuned for more broken news! See you tomorrow, or yesterday!
Until then, have a great day.
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