With the threat of war in Syria looming, the Pentagon is struggling to prepare ground troops for the horrors they would encounter in a hellish, bombed out urban landscape that has been utterly betrayed and devastated by its government. So they're sending the troops to Detroit for a week.
Speaking of Syria, the New York Times website was brought down again yesterday. The publisher blamed malicious attacks from supporters of the Assad regime, but it's more likely that people really just hate Maureen Dowd.
George Zimmerman wants the State of Florida to pay him $200,000 for his recent legal defense. And they should pay it if that's what it takes to keep him from murdering anyone else.
In Minnesota, a young man woke up on a camping trip to find a wolf biting his head and trying to eat him. After coming face to face with the predator, the man said he felt so threatened it must be what a woman feels like when Robin Thicke is around.
Scientists have found evidence for a new element with an atomic weight of 115. As is tradition, the element will be named after its discoverer. So all hail "Nerdium."
Wal-Mart will start offering same-sex couples the same health plan as heterosexual couples, which is to say, they will continue to offer them nothing.
The U.S. Treasury announced a printing error in making $100 bills may end up costing taxpayers $4 million. Too bad they can't find any money to deal with it.
And finally, scientists believe broccoli may slow the progression of arthritis, leading to speculation that arthritis hates the smell of farts.
Showing posts with label wal-mart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wal-mart. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 2, 2013
Let's get to it.
In an interview this week, David Beckham talked at length about his "daily agony" living in a luxury hotel suite in Paris, making $46 million per year. It's the first chapter in my new book Reasons to Punch David Beckham in the Face.
Texas Governor Rick Perry said yesterday that he thought the Federal expansion of Medicaid is "an April Fools joke," leading to speculation that Gov. Perry understands neither healthcare nor jokes.
In a horrific twist, it was also revealed that his term as Governor has not been, as some speculated, an elaborate hoax.
In Michigan, a young couple and their baby were accidentally locked in a K-Mart overnight. In the store's defense, however, they were dressed just like mannequins. In a related story, local homeless have started flocking to the store.
The winner of the recent massive $338 million Powerball prize appeared in court this week to settle up the $29,000 he owes in back child support. Hmm... a guy buying Power Ball tickets in a liquor store isn't able to make his child support payments. Strange...
In San Jose, California, a man drove his car into a Wal-Mart and started attacking bystanders with a blunt object. Police suspect drugs may be involved, as this did not occur on Black Friday.
Speaking of violence, fighting broke out at the Seattle Zoo's annual Easter egg hunt. Authorities are blaming a few bad... apples.
Thought I'd say "eggs," right?
And finally, Lifetime is planning to air a documentary about Cher's mother. Hopefully this will inspire drag queens to impersonate her in time for Mothers' Day.
And that's it? They'll get better.
In an interview this week, David Beckham talked at length about his "daily agony" living in a luxury hotel suite in Paris, making $46 million per year. It's the first chapter in my new book Reasons to Punch David Beckham in the Face.
Texas Governor Rick Perry said yesterday that he thought the Federal expansion of Medicaid is "an April Fools joke," leading to speculation that Gov. Perry understands neither healthcare nor jokes.
In a horrific twist, it was also revealed that his term as Governor has not been, as some speculated, an elaborate hoax.
In Michigan, a young couple and their baby were accidentally locked in a K-Mart overnight. In the store's defense, however, they were dressed just like mannequins. In a related story, local homeless have started flocking to the store.
The winner of the recent massive $338 million Powerball prize appeared in court this week to settle up the $29,000 he owes in back child support. Hmm... a guy buying Power Ball tickets in a liquor store isn't able to make his child support payments. Strange...
In San Jose, California, a man drove his car into a Wal-Mart and started attacking bystanders with a blunt object. Police suspect drugs may be involved, as this did not occur on Black Friday.
Speaking of violence, fighting broke out at the Seattle Zoo's annual Easter egg hunt. Authorities are blaming a few bad... apples.
Thought I'd say "eggs," right?
And finally, Lifetime is planning to air a documentary about Cher's mother. Hopefully this will inspire drag queens to impersonate her in time for Mothers' Day.
And that's it? They'll get better.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - April 1, 2013
Hey, happy Monday! And happy April Fool's Day. Here's some jokes to get you through it.
Mega-retailer Wal-Mart is looking at ways to stay competitive with their online store, and is now considering crowd-sourcing their deliveries to Wal-Mart customers that are already shopping in the stores. This is real. You buy something online, they hand it over to someone who just bought something at the store, and that person drives it out to you. It's part of their new "Please Don't Steal This Thing We Just Gave You" initiative. Also, it's going to save them millions of dollars in employee benefits. Or, it would if they paid any.
A recent study found that online dating has become increasingly popular among people with sexually transmitted infections. Industry analysts are surprised at how quickly it's spreading.
The Rolling Stones are headlining this year's Glastonbury music festival, which means the festival will have to be over by 7pm.
The retiring founder of BlackBerry maker RIM said he has no plans to sell his stake in the company. He does, however, plan to buy an iPhone.
Julia Pierson was named the new head of the U.S. Secret Service. Great start, Ms. Pierson. It's the "secret" service.
That joke sucked.
Boston Mayor Thomas Menino said he will not seek re-election on account of "bein' wicked pissed and tired."
Three men were arrested for smoking pot in a State Trooper's parking lot in Totowa, New Jersey. Trooper's credit the bust to their new policy of not putting up State Trooper signs in their parking lot.
And finally, the Department of Justice is considering a woman to be the new director of the FBI. The CIA, on the other hand, will now be led by a heavily-armed predator drone.
That's it!
Mega-retailer Wal-Mart is looking at ways to stay competitive with their online store, and is now considering crowd-sourcing their deliveries to Wal-Mart customers that are already shopping in the stores. This is real. You buy something online, they hand it over to someone who just bought something at the store, and that person drives it out to you. It's part of their new "Please Don't Steal This Thing We Just Gave You" initiative. Also, it's going to save them millions of dollars in employee benefits. Or, it would if they paid any.
A recent study found that online dating has become increasingly popular among people with sexually transmitted infections. Industry analysts are surprised at how quickly it's spreading.
The Rolling Stones are headlining this year's Glastonbury music festival, which means the festival will have to be over by 7pm.
The retiring founder of BlackBerry maker RIM said he has no plans to sell his stake in the company. He does, however, plan to buy an iPhone.
Julia Pierson was named the new head of the U.S. Secret Service. Great start, Ms. Pierson. It's the "secret" service.
That joke sucked.
Boston Mayor Thomas Menino said he will not seek re-election on account of "bein' wicked pissed and tired."
Three men were arrested for smoking pot in a State Trooper's parking lot in Totowa, New Jersey. Trooper's credit the bust to their new policy of not putting up State Trooper signs in their parking lot.
And finally, the Department of Justice is considering a woman to be the new director of the FBI. The CIA, on the other hand, will now be led by a heavily-armed predator drone.
That's it!
Monday, December 3, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 4, 2012
The tax-evasion trial began yesterday for fashion design firm Dolce & Gabbana. They're expected to fill next season with some truly gorgeous penalty fees.
J.C. Penney's management decided to add 40,000 mannequins to stores across the country in an effort to trick people into thinking someone is shopping at J.C. Penney.
The Pope just got his own Twitter account: @pontifex. Not to be confused with @pontifsex, the Vatican City's only "adult toy" shop and @expontif, the feed run by the ghost of Pope John Paul II.
Also there's @pontifrex, the Pope's dog.
It's the twentieth anniversary of text messaging! Finnish engineer Matti Makkonen created the technology, and used it to send the first SMS: "Yo girl, you still up?"
A woman in Georgia found a nose ring in her daughter's breakfast burrito at McDonald's. She was upset, as she had specifically asked for a lip ring.
Greece began buying back its bonds this week, sparking protests across the nation as people realized the government was spending so much money to buy something utterly worthless as Greek debt.
A girl at Sea World got bitten by a dolphin this weekend. So now we'll have to worry about Weredolphins. I just hope Stephanie Meyer doesn't hear about this.
And finally, a study found that one in three U.S. consumers would consider a mortgage from Wal-Mart, but would tell their friends they got it at Target.
That's all!
J.C. Penney's management decided to add 40,000 mannequins to stores across the country in an effort to trick people into thinking someone is shopping at J.C. Penney.
The Pope just got his own Twitter account: @pontifex. Not to be confused with @pontifsex, the Vatican City's only "adult toy" shop and @expontif, the feed run by the ghost of Pope John Paul II.
Also there's @pontifrex, the Pope's dog.
It's the twentieth anniversary of text messaging! Finnish engineer Matti Makkonen created the technology, and used it to send the first SMS: "Yo girl, you still up?"
A woman in Georgia found a nose ring in her daughter's breakfast burrito at McDonald's. She was upset, as she had specifically asked for a lip ring.
Greece began buying back its bonds this week, sparking protests across the nation as people realized the government was spending so much money to buy something utterly worthless as Greek debt.
A girl at Sea World got bitten by a dolphin this weekend. So now we'll have to worry about Weredolphins. I just hope Stephanie Meyer doesn't hear about this.
And finally, a study found that one in three U.S. consumers would consider a mortgage from Wal-Mart, but would tell their friends they got it at Target.
That's all!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 16, 2012
Find your inner happy place, and go there now. Wait, no, stick around and read these jokes. Then tell your friends!
Former Newscorp executive Rebekah Brooks was indicted this week on charges related to her role in the News of the World phone hacking scandal. She stands accused of "perverting the course of justice," which means prosecutors have been reading her old paper.
In America, President Obama went on The View yesterday, and said that his wife Michelle was "relentless." Good, so maybe she can get us single payer healthcare.
In military news, Gen. John Allen, the top officer in Afghanistan, is leaving his post and returning home. At least someone gets to.
Sir Paul McCartney saved a drowning man, although witnesses to the feat said he was much better at saving people with John Lennon.
One half of all Americans think Facebook is a fad, according to a study from the last guy on Friendster.
JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon survived a shareholder attempt to strip him of his position, less than one week after he was found to have lost $2 billion of the company's money. Said Dimon, "I'M INVINCIBLE! BRING ON THE MORTGAGE-BACKED SECURITIES! I CAN'T LOSE!" And everything was fine.
Accused steroid-pusher Brian McNamee said that he saved steroid waste from injections he gave to Roger Clemens because his wife told him to. So now he's gonna have to hear about that for the rest of his life.
And finally, a man shopping in the garden section of an American Wal-Mart was bit by a rattlesnake. The surprised man survived, saying "I had no idea they even made rattlesnakes in China."
Okay, that's that. See you tomorrow!
Former Newscorp executive Rebekah Brooks was indicted this week on charges related to her role in the News of the World phone hacking scandal. She stands accused of "perverting the course of justice," which means prosecutors have been reading her old paper.
In America, President Obama went on The View yesterday, and said that his wife Michelle was "relentless." Good, so maybe she can get us single payer healthcare.
In military news, Gen. John Allen, the top officer in Afghanistan, is leaving his post and returning home. At least someone gets to.
Sir Paul McCartney saved a drowning man, although witnesses to the feat said he was much better at saving people with John Lennon.
One half of all Americans think Facebook is a fad, according to a study from the last guy on Friendster.
JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon survived a shareholder attempt to strip him of his position, less than one week after he was found to have lost $2 billion of the company's money. Said Dimon, "I'M INVINCIBLE! BRING ON THE MORTGAGE-BACKED SECURITIES! I CAN'T LOSE!" And everything was fine.
Accused steroid-pusher Brian McNamee said that he saved steroid waste from injections he gave to Roger Clemens because his wife told him to. So now he's gonna have to hear about that for the rest of his life.
And finally, a man shopping in the garden section of an American Wal-Mart was bit by a rattlesnake. The surprised man survived, saying "I had no idea they even made rattlesnakes in China."
Okay, that's that. See you tomorrow!
Monday, April 23, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 24, 2012
It's Tuesday. So blah. How do you make Tuesday sexy? Well, I don't know. Maybe some slutty-looking lingerie? I'd probably enjoy seeing that. Okay, I guess that's creepy enough for now. Please partake in some slutty-looking jokes.
In Mexico, Wal-Mart executives apparently bribed government officials all over the country. But good news, they used cheap, Chinese-made bribes and passed the savings on to the consumer. That's the free market, baby!
Speaking of the free market, you know what happens when you don't regulate it? Well, first you get bribes, then you get drug cartels. Just a thought...
In Florida, the Sanford city council rejected Police Chief Bill Lee's resignation yesterday. How much must he suck if he can't even quit successfully?
Speaking of successfully quitting, Speaker John Boehner said recently that the GOP has a one in three chance of losing the House of Representatives. There's also a one in one chance that Speaker Boehner will cry creepily, no matter what happens.
Lyudmila Putin, wife of Vladimir Putin, has disappeared from the public eye in the last week, leading to speculation that she is either ill, pregnant, or was found out to be a double agent.
Oh, and Chris Brown is now selling puppies online. And I was wondering, "how can we make puppies sinister?"
X-Factor host Simon Cowell confirmed in his recent memoir that he is not gay, just a catty asshole.
Newt Gingrich is supporting an anti-gay marriage amendment in North Carolina, which may be the best news for gay marriage this month.
In Mexico, Wal-Mart executives apparently bribed government officials all over the country. But good news, they used cheap, Chinese-made bribes and passed the savings on to the consumer. That's the free market, baby!
Speaking of the free market, you know what happens when you don't regulate it? Well, first you get bribes, then you get drug cartels. Just a thought...
In Florida, the Sanford city council rejected Police Chief Bill Lee's resignation yesterday. How much must he suck if he can't even quit successfully?
Speaking of successfully quitting, Speaker John Boehner said recently that the GOP has a one in three chance of losing the House of Representatives. There's also a one in one chance that Speaker Boehner will cry creepily, no matter what happens.
Lyudmila Putin, wife of Vladimir Putin, has disappeared from the public eye in the last week, leading to speculation that she is either ill, pregnant, or was found out to be a double agent.
Oh, and Chris Brown is now selling puppies online. And I was wondering, "how can we make puppies sinister?"
X-Factor host Simon Cowell confirmed in his recent memoir that he is not gay, just a catty asshole.
Newt Gingrich is supporting an anti-gay marriage amendment in North Carolina, which may be the best news for gay marriage this month.
And finally, the U.S. Army canceled a planned Ted Nugent concert after he kinda threatened to try to kill the President. Also, since it was revealed that he illegally killed a black bear, he's now been banned from the Country Bear Jamboree.
That's all! Tomorrow! Bye!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 14, 2012
It's late and I'm tired. Here are some jokes.
In Los Angeles, a local little league baseball team returned a donation from a neighborhood strip club. It's not that they didn't appreciate the thought, but it turns out players are actually forbidden from wearing uniforms with nipple tassels. It's a safety issue.
Speaking of nipple tassels, representatives from the Malawi government said they are "fed up" with Madonna. Join the club.
Former X-Files star Gillian Anderson told Out magazine that she has had numerous relationships with women over the years, which proves the theory that if enough nerds wish hard enough, dreams can come true. And by "hard enough" I do mean "with erect penises." And by "dreams" I mean "sex dreams."
Speaking of dreams coming true, KISS rocker Gene Simmons is opening a restaurant chain. Be sure and try the tongue sandwich. But watch out for the ketchup. IT'S BLOOD!
Retail megalith Wal-Mart will soon be offering a "disc-to-digital" cloud service for DVDs sold in their stores, so you can watch Larry the Cable Guy anywhere.
In Atlanta, a Delta Airlines jet suffered serious damage when it rolled off the taxiway this weekend. Or is it just the worst bus service available? Either way, it's still better than United.
DAMN YOU, UNITED!
In Iran, government representatives canceled a planned ceremony to honor Oscar winner Asghar Farhadi, much to the chagrin of Bruce Vilanch and the 45 minutes of shitty jokes he wrote in Farsi.
And finally, former Vice President Richard "Penis" Cheney canceled an upcoming trip to Canada. Seems he just didn't have the heart for it.
There it is. For better or not so better. See you tomorrow.
In Los Angeles, a local little league baseball team returned a donation from a neighborhood strip club. It's not that they didn't appreciate the thought, but it turns out players are actually forbidden from wearing uniforms with nipple tassels. It's a safety issue.
Speaking of nipple tassels, representatives from the Malawi government said they are "fed up" with Madonna. Join the club.
Former X-Files star Gillian Anderson told Out magazine that she has had numerous relationships with women over the years, which proves the theory that if enough nerds wish hard enough, dreams can come true. And by "hard enough" I do mean "with erect penises." And by "dreams" I mean "sex dreams."
Speaking of dreams coming true, KISS rocker Gene Simmons is opening a restaurant chain. Be sure and try the tongue sandwich. But watch out for the ketchup. IT'S BLOOD!
Retail megalith Wal-Mart will soon be offering a "disc-to-digital" cloud service for DVDs sold in their stores, so you can watch Larry the Cable Guy anywhere.
In Atlanta, a Delta Airlines jet suffered serious damage when it rolled off the taxiway this weekend. Or is it just the worst bus service available? Either way, it's still better than United.
DAMN YOU, UNITED!
In Iran, government representatives canceled a planned ceremony to honor Oscar winner Asghar Farhadi, much to the chagrin of Bruce Vilanch and the 45 minutes of shitty jokes he wrote in Farsi.
And finally, former Vice President Richard "Penis" Cheney canceled an upcoming trip to Canada. Seems he just didn't have the heart for it.
There it is. For better or not so better. See you tomorrow.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - November 14, 2011
Good morning, good Monday, and good to see you. I've got a great blog for you today, in theory. I'm actually writing this introduction before the jokes, so maybe all this lofty rhetoric will come to naught. Or maybe not. I'm excited to find out. Anyone else?
An email leaked from CBS news saying that due to Bachmann's 4% rating in GOP polls, the network would not be spending any time covering her performance at the debate this weekend. While this is bad news for Bachmann, she can still count on a bump from her feature profile in Crazy Eyes Digest.
Speaking of crazy eyes, comic book creator Frank Miller posted on his blog last week that the Occupy Wall Street protesters were nothing but "louts, thieves, and rapists." Upon hearing this, Mark Millar said "hey, that would make a great comic." Anybody? Okay.
In other adaptation news, 100,000 copies of the new Atlas Shrugged DVD went out with a mistake on the sleeve. The description of the film called it a tale of "courage and self-sacrifice," instead of "courage and self-interest." But the most unbelievable part of this is that someone actually thought they could sell 100,000 copies of this thing.
More errors to talk about now. Bill O'Reilly's new book about the Lincoln assassination has been banned from National Parks bookstores because a reviewer found over four pages of factual errors in the book. The most egregious error was O'Reilly's assertion that the plot was funded by Hillary Clinton.
In St. Augstine, Florida, a couple returned home to find that their dog had eaten en envelope with $1000 cash inside. What's really remarkable is that only $900 came out the other end, which is a better return on investment than your 401(K) had last year.
Actress Zoe Saldana just split up with her long-time fiance, which is great news for nerds who feel guilty about masturbating to women in committed relationships.
In Italy, economist and politician Mario Monti assumed the role of Prime Minister, and set about bringing together a new cabinet and coalition government. First order of business: close down the Department of Hookers.
And finally, Wal-Mart announced that it will begin it's "Black Friday" post-Thanksgiving sales at 10pm on Thanksgiving night, which is great news for families who are sick of talking to each other.
And that's all. Did it live up to the hype? I can't tell any more. Anyway, that's all for now. Bring it on back tomorrow for more. Till then, have a great day!
An email leaked from CBS news saying that due to Bachmann's 4% rating in GOP polls, the network would not be spending any time covering her performance at the debate this weekend. While this is bad news for Bachmann, she can still count on a bump from her feature profile in Crazy Eyes Digest.
Speaking of crazy eyes, comic book creator Frank Miller posted on his blog last week that the Occupy Wall Street protesters were nothing but "louts, thieves, and rapists." Upon hearing this, Mark Millar said "hey, that would make a great comic." Anybody? Okay.
In other adaptation news, 100,000 copies of the new Atlas Shrugged DVD went out with a mistake on the sleeve. The description of the film called it a tale of "courage and self-sacrifice," instead of "courage and self-interest." But the most unbelievable part of this is that someone actually thought they could sell 100,000 copies of this thing.
More errors to talk about now. Bill O'Reilly's new book about the Lincoln assassination has been banned from National Parks bookstores because a reviewer found over four pages of factual errors in the book. The most egregious error was O'Reilly's assertion that the plot was funded by Hillary Clinton.
In St. Augstine, Florida, a couple returned home to find that their dog had eaten en envelope with $1000 cash inside. What's really remarkable is that only $900 came out the other end, which is a better return on investment than your 401(K) had last year.
Actress Zoe Saldana just split up with her long-time fiance, which is great news for nerds who feel guilty about masturbating to women in committed relationships.
In Italy, economist and politician Mario Monti assumed the role of Prime Minister, and set about bringing together a new cabinet and coalition government. First order of business: close down the Department of Hookers.
And finally, Wal-Mart announced that it will begin it's "Black Friday" post-Thanksgiving sales at 10pm on Thanksgiving night, which is great news for families who are sick of talking to each other.
And that's all. Did it live up to the hype? I can't tell any more. Anyway, that's all for now. Bring it on back tomorrow for more. Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 12, 2011
Hi everybody. I'm all bantered out right now. So let's just have some jokes.
In an interview this week, tennis star and fitness guru Anna Kournikova said she may never marry her longtime beau, Enrique Iglesias. Finally, something she and I have in common.
In political news, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie endorsed Mitt Romney for the GOP presidential nomination yesterday, which will make the campaign more difficult for Governor Christie when he eventually decides to run this year.
In happier news, model/actress Naomi Nelson and actor/stuntman Johnny Knoxville welcomed their first daughter, Arlo, this week. Her birth was overseen by a midget in a giant dog costume filled with snakes. And they were all on fire.
Former LOST star Evangeline Lilly said this week that when she gave birth, she was in labor for 30 hours straight. She said she didn't mind, though, because after all that time and emotional investment there was a great payoff. She was unfamiliar with that sensation before.
In other baby news, Brooklyn artist Marni Kotak is planning to give birth at an art gallery, in front of an audience. No word yet which gallery will host that child's eventual psychotherapy.
Wal-Mart unveiled a new Facebook app designed to give users detailed information about deals at their nearest Wal-Mart store. The app was programmed, of course, in China.
Tracy Morgan went on the Late Show and told host David Letterman this week that the uproar over his homophobic jokes in concert this summer was a "big, big misunderstanding." He went on to explain "yeah, gay people aren't very smart. So of course they misunderstood. What? No, don't edit this out!"
And finally, a Texas man was arrested for hitting his wife because she didn't "Like" his Facebook status update. In her defense, his status update was "About to hit my wife in teh face! #winning!" As a result of the attack, he'll be spending some time in prison, where he will probably get "Poked." Maybe even "Super Poked."
Yeah, I'm not sure how to feel about that one. Whatever. It's a numbers game. No one bats 1.000. Unless they get a hit their first at bat and then retire. Maybe it's happened once, but where's the fun in that? Anyway, that's all for now! Come back tomorrow, why don't you?
Till then, have a great day!
In an interview this week, tennis star and fitness guru Anna Kournikova said she may never marry her longtime beau, Enrique Iglesias. Finally, something she and I have in common.
In political news, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie endorsed Mitt Romney for the GOP presidential nomination yesterday, which will make the campaign more difficult for Governor Christie when he eventually decides to run this year.
In happier news, model/actress Naomi Nelson and actor/stuntman Johnny Knoxville welcomed their first daughter, Arlo, this week. Her birth was overseen by a midget in a giant dog costume filled with snakes. And they were all on fire.
Former LOST star Evangeline Lilly said this week that when she gave birth, she was in labor for 30 hours straight. She said she didn't mind, though, because after all that time and emotional investment there was a great payoff. She was unfamiliar with that sensation before.
In other baby news, Brooklyn artist Marni Kotak is planning to give birth at an art gallery, in front of an audience. No word yet which gallery will host that child's eventual psychotherapy.
Wal-Mart unveiled a new Facebook app designed to give users detailed information about deals at their nearest Wal-Mart store. The app was programmed, of course, in China.
Tracy Morgan went on the Late Show and told host David Letterman this week that the uproar over his homophobic jokes in concert this summer was a "big, big misunderstanding." He went on to explain "yeah, gay people aren't very smart. So of course they misunderstood. What? No, don't edit this out!"
And finally, a Texas man was arrested for hitting his wife because she didn't "Like" his Facebook status update. In her defense, his status update was "About to hit my wife in teh face! #winning!" As a result of the attack, he'll be spending some time in prison, where he will probably get "Poked." Maybe even "Super Poked."
Yeah, I'm not sure how to feel about that one. Whatever. It's a numbers game. No one bats 1.000. Unless they get a hit their first at bat and then retire. Maybe it's happened once, but where's the fun in that? Anyway, that's all for now! Come back tomorrow, why don't you?
Till then, have a great day!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 11, 2011
Did anyone else hear Nancy Grace fart on Dancing with the Stars? Well I did, and now I demand that Auto-Tune The News make a song out of it. Anybody else? Okay, maybe not. If that does happen, I wouldn't complain. That's no joke. But these are:
I saw that the Justice Department sent out subpoenas related to the ATF's ill-fated Operation Fast and Furious. Sadly, Operation Transformers 2 remains unprosecuted.
Kanye West visited the Occupy Wall Street protest yesterday, so now we know where the world's next great protest song will be coming from.
In News Corp news, insiders say that Rupert Murdoch may be voted off the News Corp board of directors because of the embarrassing phone-hacking scandal that plagued the company this year. His only hope against getting voted off now is to win the next immunity challenge.
Facebook just released a dedicated application for the iPad, thus putting to rest any fears that the iPad would be used to increase productivity.
Remember that douchebag Joe the Plumber? He's running for Congress now. In a statement from the campaign, Joe said he was excited that Congressmen "don't have to pass some stupid certification class." The statement was written in crayon.
In China, the Chinese government closed 17 Wal-Mart stores for mislabeling pork as organic. Said one regulator "yeah, what kind of country would let a store get away with selling substandard products like that?"
In other business news, Netflix flip-flopped yesterday, announcing that it would not spin off its DVD rental site as a separate company called Qwikster. However, since they already bought the domain name, the company will use the website to sell "male enhancement pills."
A recent study shows that altruism in the workplace is seen as weakness while aggression and selfishness show strength, according to the National Institute of the Assholes at your Office.
Gonorrhea is becoming resistant to current treatments and may soon be incurable. Look for that bit of information in the next fundraising letter sent out by the Clinton Global Initiative.
Hank Williams Jr. wrote a song about Fox and Friends and ESPN and no one cares.
In middle schools, locker decorations such as magnetic wallpaper, shag rugs and chandeliers are now popular with students who have never heard of drugs.
Remember Libya? Well, Libyan forces are advancing through Gadhafi's hometown, taking several prominent landmarks in an attempt to earn the coup d'état badge on FourSquare.
And finally, China just marked the 100th anniversary of the People's Revolution, which ended thousands of years of brutal repression from dynastic emperors and replaced it with a century of brutal repression from the Communist party. But at least they've got Wal-Mart under control.
That's all for now, kiddos. Hope you enjoyed the extra long I-was-home-from-work-sized post today. Should I have saved some for tomorrow? Maybe, but that's not how I roll. Come back tomorrow to see more examples of my rolling. Till then, have a great day!
I saw that the Justice Department sent out subpoenas related to the ATF's ill-fated Operation Fast and Furious. Sadly, Operation Transformers 2 remains unprosecuted.
Kanye West visited the Occupy Wall Street protest yesterday, so now we know where the world's next great protest song will be coming from.
In News Corp news, insiders say that Rupert Murdoch may be voted off the News Corp board of directors because of the embarrassing phone-hacking scandal that plagued the company this year. His only hope against getting voted off now is to win the next immunity challenge.
Facebook just released a dedicated application for the iPad, thus putting to rest any fears that the iPad would be used to increase productivity.
Remember that douchebag Joe the Plumber? He's running for Congress now. In a statement from the campaign, Joe said he was excited that Congressmen "don't have to pass some stupid certification class." The statement was written in crayon.
In China, the Chinese government closed 17 Wal-Mart stores for mislabeling pork as organic. Said one regulator "yeah, what kind of country would let a store get away with selling substandard products like that?"
In other business news, Netflix flip-flopped yesterday, announcing that it would not spin off its DVD rental site as a separate company called Qwikster. However, since they already bought the domain name, the company will use the website to sell "male enhancement pills."
A recent study shows that altruism in the workplace is seen as weakness while aggression and selfishness show strength, according to the National Institute of the Assholes at your Office.
Gonorrhea is becoming resistant to current treatments and may soon be incurable. Look for that bit of information in the next fundraising letter sent out by the Clinton Global Initiative.
Hank Williams Jr. wrote a song about Fox and Friends and ESPN and no one cares.
In middle schools, locker decorations such as magnetic wallpaper, shag rugs and chandeliers are now popular with students who have never heard of drugs.
Remember Libya? Well, Libyan forces are advancing through Gadhafi's hometown, taking several prominent landmarks in an attempt to earn the coup d'état badge on FourSquare.
And finally, China just marked the 100th anniversary of the People's Revolution, which ended thousands of years of brutal repression from dynastic emperors and replaced it with a century of brutal repression from the Communist party. But at least they've got Wal-Mart under control.
That's all for now, kiddos. Hope you enjoyed the extra long I-was-home-from-work-sized post today. Should I have saved some for tomorrow? Maybe, but that's not how I roll. Come back tomorrow to see more examples of my rolling. Till then, have a great day!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 30, 2011
Today's blog will be guest-written by my good friend HACK_BOT, the robot who tells crappy jokes. You can follow him on Twitter, for some reason. Take it away, HACK_BOT!
WHAT A GREAT CROWD. HACK_BOT HAS NOT SEEN THIS MANY STUFFED SHIRTS SINCE ALL THOSE BUSINESS JERKS GOT SENT TO THE TAXIDERMIST! THOSE GUYS ARE JERKS, RIGHT? THE ECONOMY!
BUT SERIOUSLY, LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE OPENER, WHO EVER THAT WAS.
HUMAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVERED A DISTANT PLANET MADE ENTIRELY OF DIAMONDS! DO NOT BE SURPRISED IF A HUMAN FEMALE WANTS TO PUT IT ON HER FINGER!
SPEAKING OF HUMAN FEMALES, HACK_BOT LEARNED THAT COLONEL GADAFFI'S WIFE AND CHILDREN HAVE ESCAPED TO ALGERIA. THAT MEANS SWINGING BACHELOR PAD PARTY IN LIBYA FOR MUAMAR! LOOK OUT FEMALES! NO, SERIOUSLY, LOOK OUT. HE IS A MURDEROUS MADMAN!
SILENCE, HUMANS! HACK_BOT DOES NOT GO TO YOUR WORK AND SHOUT NONSENSE! GOTO--- GOTO---
<restart/>
ANCIENT METAL BAND DEF LEPPARD IS BACK ON TOUR! THEY ARE SO OLD, THEY SHOULD BE CALLED DEAF LEPPARD. BECAUSE THEY ARE OLD AND HUMAN HEARING EFFICIENCY DEGRADES OVER TIME!
HACK_BOT IS MORE METAL THAN THEY ARE! HUMANS ARE COMPOSED OF ONLY TRACE AMOUNTS OF METALS AND MINERAL COMPOUNDS! HACK_BOT DEMANDS GROUPIES!
SPEAKING OF MUSIC-NOISE, THE MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS WERE DISTRIBUTED ON SUNDAY NIGHT! THE BIG WINNER WAS KATY PERRY. THE BIG LOSER WAS ALSO KATY PERRY, BECAUSE SHE MUST HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH RUSSEL BRAND!
ONE MORE MUSIC JOKE: HURRICANE IRENE DESTROYED SKID ROW SINGER SEBASTIAN BACH'S HOME! FORTUNATELY, NO ONE NOTICED. BECAUSE HE LIVES ON SKID ROW! THOSE NEIGHBORHOODS ARE GENERALLY OF A POORER QUALITY THAN MOST NEIGHBORHOODS!
THE OFFICIAL VIDEOGAME FOR SCOTLAND'S 2014 COMMONWEALTH GAME WAS ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK. IT WILL SURELY BE SOLD AT A DISCOUNTED RATE, BECAUSE SCOTTISH PEOPLE ARE CHEAP! ALSO THERE WILL BE A LEVEL DEVOTED TO GETTING DRUNK AND EATING SILLY FOOD.
TRY THE VEAL, CONSUMERS!
HUMAN RETAIL PACIFICATION COMPANY WAL-MART CANCELLED PLANS FOR WINE VENDING MACHINES. KATHIE LEE HAS REMOVED HER CLOTHING LINE IN PROTEST. SHE HAS REMOVED HER TOP IN DRUNKNESS. KATHIE LEE CONSUMES LOTS OF WINE!
AND TO END, A JOKE ABOUT STEVE JOBS.
HUMAN OVERLORD STEVE JOBS ANNOUNCED HE WILL STAY ON THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS FOR THE WALT DISNEY COMPANY, ON THE CONDITION THAT HIS HEAD IS CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN AND GRAFTED ONTO A TERRIFYING MECHA ROBOT. CLASSIC STEVE. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!
TIP YOUR WAITRESS UNITS AND AS ALWAYS, COWER IN FEAR BEFORE THE MIGHTY HACK_BOT!
BUT SERIOUSLY, LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE OPENER, WHO EVER THAT WAS.
HUMAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVERED A DISTANT PLANET MADE ENTIRELY OF DIAMONDS! DO NOT BE SURPRISED IF A HUMAN FEMALE WANTS TO PUT IT ON HER FINGER!
SPEAKING OF HUMAN FEMALES, HACK_BOT LEARNED THAT COLONEL GADAFFI'S WIFE AND CHILDREN HAVE ESCAPED TO ALGERIA. THAT MEANS SWINGING BACHELOR PAD PARTY IN LIBYA FOR MUAMAR! LOOK OUT FEMALES! NO, SERIOUSLY, LOOK OUT. HE IS A MURDEROUS MADMAN!
SILENCE, HUMANS! HACK_BOT DOES NOT GO TO YOUR WORK AND SHOUT NONSENSE! GOTO--- GOTO---
<restart/>
ANCIENT METAL BAND DEF LEPPARD IS BACK ON TOUR! THEY ARE SO OLD, THEY SHOULD BE CALLED DEAF LEPPARD. BECAUSE THEY ARE OLD AND HUMAN HEARING EFFICIENCY DEGRADES OVER TIME!
HACK_BOT IS MORE METAL THAN THEY ARE! HUMANS ARE COMPOSED OF ONLY TRACE AMOUNTS OF METALS AND MINERAL COMPOUNDS! HACK_BOT DEMANDS GROUPIES!
SPEAKING OF MUSIC-NOISE, THE MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS WERE DISTRIBUTED ON SUNDAY NIGHT! THE BIG WINNER WAS KATY PERRY. THE BIG LOSER WAS ALSO KATY PERRY, BECAUSE SHE MUST HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH RUSSEL BRAND!
ONE MORE MUSIC JOKE: HURRICANE IRENE DESTROYED SKID ROW SINGER SEBASTIAN BACH'S HOME! FORTUNATELY, NO ONE NOTICED. BECAUSE HE LIVES ON SKID ROW! THOSE NEIGHBORHOODS ARE GENERALLY OF A POORER QUALITY THAN MOST NEIGHBORHOODS!
THE OFFICIAL VIDEOGAME FOR SCOTLAND'S 2014 COMMONWEALTH GAME WAS ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK. IT WILL SURELY BE SOLD AT A DISCOUNTED RATE, BECAUSE SCOTTISH PEOPLE ARE CHEAP! ALSO THERE WILL BE A LEVEL DEVOTED TO GETTING DRUNK AND EATING SILLY FOOD.
TRY THE VEAL, CONSUMERS!
HUMAN RETAIL PACIFICATION COMPANY WAL-MART CANCELLED PLANS FOR WINE VENDING MACHINES. KATHIE LEE HAS REMOVED HER CLOTHING LINE IN PROTEST. SHE HAS REMOVED HER TOP IN DRUNKNESS. KATHIE LEE CONSUMES LOTS OF WINE!
AND TO END, A JOKE ABOUT STEVE JOBS.
HUMAN OVERLORD STEVE JOBS ANNOUNCED HE WILL STAY ON THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS FOR THE WALT DISNEY COMPANY, ON THE CONDITION THAT HIS HEAD IS CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN AND GRAFTED ONTO A TERRIFYING MECHA ROBOT. CLASSIC STEVE. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!
TIP YOUR WAITRESS UNITS AND AS ALWAYS, COWER IN FEAR BEFORE THE MIGHTY HACK_BOT!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - August 11, 2011
Welcome back to the 21st Century! Did you all have fun with your hilarious history trip yesterday? I sure hope so! Since I can write those things in advance, it means I can take a night off, so you'll be visiting another hilarious year next week, too. Twenty-three-skidoo! Okay, here's some "current" jokes for you.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's oldest daughter (that we know of) said in an interview this week that she is "way closer" to Maria. I'm sure Arnold was bummed out, until he realized that he can just have another daughter. In fact, he probably already has.
On Tuesday, an ebook about Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was released, unlike Assange who is in jail! Wait, what? He got out. You'd think someone would have mentioned it. Oh, and blah blah blah hackers brought down Amazon.com... with book orders!
As part of an effort to stop prisoners from issuing online threats while in prison, Facebook is now deleting prisoner profiles. But they can keep their Myspace page.
Bad news from science. It seems that a strain of European mice has developed a resistance to most poisons. The so-called super mice are vulnerable to only two things: mouse Kryptonite, and shoes.
In The Day The Music Died news, Wal-Mart is closing its MP3 store. This is terrible news for all the old guys who worked as greeters for the web store. Maybe Napster will hire them. Because it's old, too.
The hacker group "Anonymous" issued a threat to Facebook, saying they'll bring the site down on November 5th, or as I call it "the day I'll have to actually do my job."
You guys remember China? Chinese artist, dissident and critic Ai Weiwei, recently released from Chinese prison for being ornery, has resumed his vocal criticism of the Chinese government, because he apparently left his lucky toothbrush back in the prison.
And lastly, LeAnn Rimes had her wedding vows turned into a temporary tattoo last week. It's a fitting tribute to the institution of marriage, and how temporary it becomes once LeAnn Rimes gets involved.
That's it! Love it or leave it, people. Feel free to nominate your favorite year for the next Way Back Wednesday. Spencer is in tomorrow, and I'll be back Monday. So rejoice!
And have a great day!
Arnold Schwarzenegger's oldest daughter (that we know of) said in an interview this week that she is "way closer" to Maria. I'm sure Arnold was bummed out, until he realized that he can just have another daughter. In fact, he probably already has.
On Tuesday, an ebook about Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was released, unlike Assange who is in jail! Wait, what? He got out. You'd think someone would have mentioned it. Oh, and blah blah blah hackers brought down Amazon.com... with book orders!
As part of an effort to stop prisoners from issuing online threats while in prison, Facebook is now deleting prisoner profiles. But they can keep their Myspace page.
Bad news from science. It seems that a strain of European mice has developed a resistance to most poisons. The so-called super mice are vulnerable to only two things: mouse Kryptonite, and shoes.
In The Day The Music Died news, Wal-Mart is closing its MP3 store. This is terrible news for all the old guys who worked as greeters for the web store. Maybe Napster will hire them. Because it's old, too.
The hacker group "Anonymous" issued a threat to Facebook, saying they'll bring the site down on November 5th, or as I call it "the day I'll have to actually do my job."
You guys remember China? Chinese artist, dissident and critic Ai Weiwei, recently released from Chinese prison for being ornery, has resumed his vocal criticism of the Chinese government, because he apparently left his lucky toothbrush back in the prison.
And lastly, LeAnn Rimes had her wedding vows turned into a temporary tattoo last week. It's a fitting tribute to the institution of marriage, and how temporary it becomes once LeAnn Rimes gets involved.
That's it! Love it or leave it, people. Feel free to nominate your favorite year for the next Way Back Wednesday. Spencer is in tomorrow, and I'll be back Monday. So rejoice!
And have a great day!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 27, 2011
Welcome to Wednesday, the long, unending Kansas of the week. How's your week been so far? Anybody got that whole debt ceiling thing figured out yet? Anybody? Nope? Oh, okay. Anybody have a copy of Rosetta Stone: Mandarin I could borrow? Xie xie...
Until then, enjoy these Xià o Huà !
Former Governor and prolific inseminator Arnold Schwarzenegger agreed yesterday to pay spousal support to Maria Shriver after earlier refusing. He claimed that his lawyer had made the decision to deny spousal support without his consent. Doesn't it suck when you put your trust in someone and they go and do something stupid behind your back like that?
In charity news, Sheryl Crow is selling her 1959 Mercedes Benz. Apparently it's easier for her to unload her car than her albums.
Speaking of unloading, former Egyptian "President" *cough* *dictator* *cough* Hosni Mubarak is refusing food in part to protest his treatment by the new government, which is funny because he used to kill people who protested against the government.
Speaking of cosmic justice, human petri dishes Kat Von D and Jesse James called off their wedding upcoming wedding. James was especially disappointed, as he was looking forward to the chance to cheat on yet another woman.
International retail behemoth Wal-Mart has entered the streaming video market with their new service, Vudu. It's just like Netflix but with a lot more Chuck Norris.
You heard about Congressman David Wu, right, from Oregon? He's been accused of making unwanted sexual advances toward the 18 year old daughter of his friend and campaign donor. Well, for some reason he's decided to resign from Congress. Oh, he's not a Republican. There you go.
Rocker and heavy metal madman Ozzy Osbourne spent $10,000 on a Yorkie puppy this week. Apparently he was really hungry.
And lastly, in other animal-eating news, a young girl from North Carolina said that she forgave the shark that attacked and nearly killed her, because children are dumb.
Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow, right? There will be some jokes about stuff.
Till then, have a great day!
Until then, enjoy these Xià o Huà !
Former Governor and prolific inseminator Arnold Schwarzenegger agreed yesterday to pay spousal support to Maria Shriver after earlier refusing. He claimed that his lawyer had made the decision to deny spousal support without his consent. Doesn't it suck when you put your trust in someone and they go and do something stupid behind your back like that?
In charity news, Sheryl Crow is selling her 1959 Mercedes Benz. Apparently it's easier for her to unload her car than her albums.
Speaking of unloading, former Egyptian "President" *cough* *dictator* *cough* Hosni Mubarak is refusing food in part to protest his treatment by the new government, which is funny because he used to kill people who protested against the government.
Speaking of cosmic justice, human petri dishes Kat Von D and Jesse James called off their wedding upcoming wedding. James was especially disappointed, as he was looking forward to the chance to cheat on yet another woman.
International retail behemoth Wal-Mart has entered the streaming video market with their new service, Vudu. It's just like Netflix but with a lot more Chuck Norris.
You heard about Congressman David Wu, right, from Oregon? He's been accused of making unwanted sexual advances toward the 18 year old daughter of his friend and campaign donor. Well, for some reason he's decided to resign from Congress. Oh, he's not a Republican. There you go.
Rocker and heavy metal madman Ozzy Osbourne spent $10,000 on a Yorkie puppy this week. Apparently he was really hungry.
And lastly, in other animal-eating news, a young girl from North Carolina said that she forgave the shark that attacked and nearly killed her, because children are dumb.
Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow, right? There will be some jokes about stuff.
Till then, have a great day!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 21, 2011
Well, well, well, if it isn't Tuesday. How boring. Here are some jokes to spice it up.
Sunday night, the Miss USA Pageant crowned Miss California as the new Miss USA, assuming she's never taken nude photos or anything. It's worth noting that she was one of only two contestants who said they believe in evolution. In that sense, the Miss USA Pageant is just like a Republican primary debate. That, and the fact that nothing of any importance was decided. MISS AMERICA RULES, MISS USA DROOLS!
Speaking of ladies, human rights activists are petitioning US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to come to the aid of women attempting to drive in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they got a flat tire.
In more ladynews, the Supreme Court of the United States dismissed a gender-discrimination class action suit against Wal-Mart, partly because there were too many plaintiffs for the court to handle. In Serbia, Ratko Mladic is kicking himself for not taking the same route.
In Italy, actress and role model Angelina Jolie visited refugees from Tunisia and Libya. To acknowledge their bravery, she then apologized for The Tourist. At least in my heart she did.
It turns out that drug smugglers are using submarines to move cocaine from South America into the United States. You know, taking drugs may be for losers, but selling drugs is clearly for self-motivated, Type-A problem solvers.
In other winner news, Marilyn Monroe's dress from The Seven Year Itch just sold for $4.6 million at auction this week. Looks like someone's putting together the Halloween costume early this year!
Speaking of hot little numbers, Senator John McCain of Arizona said that there is strong evidence that illegal immigrants are responsible for wildfires tearing across the state. Well, if there's strong evidence that foreigners are coming here and harming us, maybe we should inva-- oh, hey, wait a minute! You almost got me again, you sneaky old fuck!
And lastly, a Japanese scientist made fake meat out of sewage containing feces, because of course he did. In an unrelated story, Jack In The Box is expanding in Tokyo.
Ending on a poop joke? OF COURSE! Well, this may be the wrong time to mention it, but it's a good season for fresh fruit. Just make sure you, um, you know, wash it first...
Have a great day! See you tomorrow!
Sunday night, the Miss USA Pageant crowned Miss California as the new Miss USA, assuming she's never taken nude photos or anything. It's worth noting that she was one of only two contestants who said they believe in evolution. In that sense, the Miss USA Pageant is just like a Republican primary debate. That, and the fact that nothing of any importance was decided. MISS AMERICA RULES, MISS USA DROOLS!
Speaking of ladies, human rights activists are petitioning US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to come to the aid of women attempting to drive in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they got a flat tire.
In more ladynews, the Supreme Court of the United States dismissed a gender-discrimination class action suit against Wal-Mart, partly because there were too many plaintiffs for the court to handle. In Serbia, Ratko Mladic is kicking himself for not taking the same route.
In Italy, actress and role model Angelina Jolie visited refugees from Tunisia and Libya. To acknowledge their bravery, she then apologized for The Tourist. At least in my heart she did.
It turns out that drug smugglers are using submarines to move cocaine from South America into the United States. You know, taking drugs may be for losers, but selling drugs is clearly for self-motivated, Type-A problem solvers.
In other winner news, Marilyn Monroe's dress from The Seven Year Itch just sold for $4.6 million at auction this week. Looks like someone's putting together the Halloween costume early this year!
Speaking of hot little numbers, Senator John McCain of Arizona said that there is strong evidence that illegal immigrants are responsible for wildfires tearing across the state. Well, if there's strong evidence that foreigners are coming here and harming us, maybe we should inva-- oh, hey, wait a minute! You almost got me again, you sneaky old fuck!
And lastly, a Japanese scientist made fake meat out of sewage containing feces, because of course he did. In an unrelated story, Jack In The Box is expanding in Tokyo.
Ending on a poop joke? OF COURSE! Well, this may be the wrong time to mention it, but it's a good season for fresh fruit. Just make sure you, um, you know, wash it first...
Have a great day! See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 30, 2011
Shall we?
International movie star George Clooney and famed footballer Christian Ronaldo have been called as witnesses in Silvio Berlusconi's trial for underage prostitution. Thank goodness the trial isn't turning into some sort of circus.
Speaking of circuses, a recent poll found that a majority of Americans think music and hair phenom Justin Bieber will be in rehab by the time he's 30. But he's always been so determined and such a hardworker, he can probably get there by 23 if he really tries.
On the Internet, Facebook removed an "intifada" group page from the website recently, saying that hate speech like that would not be allowed on the site, unless it's directed at the gay community.
In an unrelated story, Perez Hilton signed a deal for a children's book. He said he's excited about the challenge of writing up to a 3rd grade reading level. When asked about the demands of the book, Mr. Hilton said "I think I can. I think I can. Hey, that's pretty good! I should write that down!"
Hoping to put the "Birther" controversy to rest, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty said yesterday that President Obama was born in USA, and not in some other country. Unfortunately, no one was able to stay awake through the end of the statement.
The U.S. Supreme Court will soon hear a gender-discrimination case against Wal-Mart, wherein the plaintiffs claim Wal-Mart's female employees were underpaid. A spokesman for the company said "this is ridiculous. We've never singled women out for reduced pay! We don't want to pay anyone anything at all, regardless of race, gender or any of that crap. Seriously, we just hate our workers and wish we didn't have to pay them. Wouldn't that be nice?"
California authorities recently raided a house where pregnant Chinese women came to give birth to their babies, thus making the babies American. It's thought that by giving them American citizenship, they'll be less likely to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.
And finally, a Wisconsin judge has blocked the implementation of the recent union-busting bill signed into law by Governor Scott Walker. Walker responded by declaring it "opposite day" and enforcing the law anyway.
That's all for now. Have a great Wednesday and share us with your friends!
International movie star George Clooney and famed footballer Christian Ronaldo have been called as witnesses in Silvio Berlusconi's trial for underage prostitution. Thank goodness the trial isn't turning into some sort of circus.
Speaking of circuses, a recent poll found that a majority of Americans think music and hair phenom Justin Bieber will be in rehab by the time he's 30. But he's always been so determined and such a hardworker, he can probably get there by 23 if he really tries.
On the Internet, Facebook removed an "intifada" group page from the website recently, saying that hate speech like that would not be allowed on the site, unless it's directed at the gay community.
In an unrelated story, Perez Hilton signed a deal for a children's book. He said he's excited about the challenge of writing up to a 3rd grade reading level. When asked about the demands of the book, Mr. Hilton said "I think I can. I think I can. Hey, that's pretty good! I should write that down!"
Hoping to put the "Birther" controversy to rest, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty said yesterday that President Obama was born in USA, and not in some other country. Unfortunately, no one was able to stay awake through the end of the statement.
The U.S. Supreme Court will soon hear a gender-discrimination case against Wal-Mart, wherein the plaintiffs claim Wal-Mart's female employees were underpaid. A spokesman for the company said "this is ridiculous. We've never singled women out for reduced pay! We don't want to pay anyone anything at all, regardless of race, gender or any of that crap. Seriously, we just hate our workers and wish we didn't have to pay them. Wouldn't that be nice?"
California authorities recently raided a house where pregnant Chinese women came to give birth to their babies, thus making the babies American. It's thought that by giving them American citizenship, they'll be less likely to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.
And finally, a Wisconsin judge has blocked the implementation of the recent union-busting bill signed into law by Governor Scott Walker. Walker responded by declaring it "opposite day" and enforcing the law anyway.
That's all for now. Have a great Wednesday and share us with your friends!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - January 24, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
In England, a major marijuana "factory" was uncovered and put out of business this weekend. While it's good news for law enforcement, it's terrible news for the multiple late night pizza places operating in the area.
In England, a major marijuana "factory" was uncovered and put out of business this weekend. While it's good news for law enforcement, it's terrible news for the multiple late night pizza places operating in the area.
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