Rage-o-Meter: The Faith in our Government Edition

You may have missed it, but a couple of North Carolina state legislators just blew their noses on the First Amendment, wadded it up and threw the nasty ball of mucous-covered parchment right in the Supreme Court's face. The aforementioned snot-bombing took the form of HOUSE JOINT RESOLUTION DRHJR10194-MM-54 (03/19), a neat little bill that lays the ground work for states and municipalities to start establishing official religions. There's quite a lot here to shake your faith in humanity.

First off, according to the authors of this bill, the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights say that Congress can't establish an official religion, but nowhere does it say that states can't do it. It's "separation of church and state," not "separation of church and states." Suck it, Jefferson. Think about that little oversight while you burn in Deist Hell.

The Devil is in the details.

That leaves the floodgates wide open for states, cities, towns, municipalities, and city-employed dog catchers to establish official religions in their particular domains.

We salute you, our half-inflated dog lord!

And if ever there's a group of people you want establishing an official religion, it's state and local elected officials. They can't get the pothole on your street filled in, but they'll get the mysteries of the universe sorted out for you. Whether you like it or not. And you better hope that you like it, because it's not like you can go crying to the Supreme Court about it, because as you can see from Section 2 of the bill:

"The North Carolina General Assembly does not recognize federal court rulings which prohibit and otherwise regulate the State of North Carolina, its public schools, or any political subdivisions of the State from making laws respecting an establishment of religion."

Nanny, nanny, boo-boo, SCOTUS. We don't like the way you rule, so your rulings don't count. Sure, you have the word "Supreme" in your name, and the Constitution expressly says that you make rulings as to how the Constitution is interpreted, which is all fine and good, but we don't like your rulings. We don't agree with how you've applied the Establishment Clause, so we're going to ignore it like it's climate change science or Detroit.

In essence, the authors of the bill are saying they approve of the parts of the Constitution that say states can do whatever they want, but reject the part that says the Supreme Court has the final word on how the Constitution gets interpreted and what is considered legal in the country. It's like saying you enjoyed the original three Star Wars movies but you reject all the prequels. You can't just pretend that Jar-Jar Binks never existed, people. He's as real as Han Solo or Yoda, which is actually to say that he's not real at all. But the point still stands.

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. But I'll still be unconstitutional.

A bigger issue, however, is that once you've made it possible for a religion to be made your official religion, you've made it possible for any religion to be made your official religion. It's a literal Pandora's Box, in that a city council could decide to turn their city back to the Hellenic mysticism and mythology of ancient Greece. Or perhaps you'd like to get a little Odin in your life?

And then what happens when people in one county decide that the people in the next county over are a bunch of bloodthirsty heathens and they don't truck with that kind of nonsense? How about a little holy war? Maybe some religious persecution for the people in your community who don't get on board with the one-true-whatever-you-decide? And if they don't like it, they can go off and form their own little namby-pamby country without any state-sponsored religion. And maybe whoever writes up their Constitution won't do a half-assed job like Jefferson. Of course, North Carolina is not going to erupt into some sort of Afghanistan-like civil war over religion. Probably. No, this is all meant to be taken metaphorically. And you know how well religious fundamentalists deal with metaphors.

Good luck, North Carolina. We'll be praying for you. Just as soon as you decide who those prayers should be directed to.

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 27, 2013

Paula Deen went on the Today show yesterday to apologize for, you know. She appeared to break down and cry, but it turns out it was just her body expelling excess butter from her eyes.

In a related story, Ms. Deen will soon announce a new partnership with Chick-Fil-A to sell her signature Buttered Bigot Burger.

Edward Snowden has disappeared from the Moscow airport, and no one can find him. He was last seen wearing blue jean, a red and white striped shirt and a stupid hat.

In Egypt, President Morsi delivered a speech, cautioning that civil unrest may "paralyze" the country. He went on to add "it's a real nice democracy you got there. Sure would be a shame if something... HAPPENED... to it."

Scientists discovered that the first horses lived around 4 million years ago, right about the time of the first TrapperKeeper.

In other animal news, scientists will begin retiring chimpanzees from medical testing. Great, so now there's even more competition on the job market.

Microsoft confirmed that the KINECT will not work with the XBOX One. You'll just have to wait to find out if it will work with the XBOX One.

And finally, the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act yesterday in a 5-4 split, proving that at least four people in America have never had a gay friend.

Friday Morning Monologue - June 29, 2012

Jokes on Friday!? WHY NOT!

Yesterday, the Supreme Court ruled that President Obama's healthcare reform bill is, in fact, constitutional. Right? I didn't read the whole ruling, or an entire article about it, but I feel adequately informed to discuss its constitutionality. Right after I read the Constitution.

In other governments' news, Greece's new Finance Minister collapsed last week during his first day of work. It happened immediately after someone informed him that he was the Finance Minister in Greece.

Back in America, television host Ann Curry was paid a significant amount of money to stop working for the Today Show, proving again that NBC is great with money. No word yet on when her morning show on TBS is going to start.

By the way, NBC, I'm willing to not work for the Today Show for way less than she is.

Scientists are learning about early humans' diet from fossilized teeth from a two million year-old human. Among the startling foods found in the ancient teeth: bark, bugs, and the first Twinkie.

Speaking of old stuff, amateur archaeologists in the UK announced they have found over 50,000 ancient coins in the cushions of a very old sofa.

Back in America, roboticists built a robot programmed to play Rock, Paper, Scissors with 100% efficiency. Their findings will be published in an upcoming paper titled "Please Tell Us We Didn't Just Waste the Last Three Years of Our Lives."

In Zimbabwe, two self-confessed witches are set to undergo medical and psychological testing, as doctors fear they may be suffering from a mental illness. Their first clue? They claimed to be witches.

And finally, fans of the late lamented cult television favorite Firefly were treated to news that the stars of the show will reunite at this year's San Diego ComicCon. The reunion was promptly cancelled by Fox.

And that's how it goes.

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 10, 2012

Happy Thursday! Do you have any drink specials? Oh, then you're probably not a bar in my neighborhood. Have joke, on me.

A United Airlines jet had to make an emergency landing in Denver yesterday because passengers were in danger of reaching their destination on time.

President Obama said yesterday in an interview that same-sex marriage "should be legal!" Yay, equality! Wait, hold on a second. Why did he say "should" and not "will be?" Oh, Barack, you've tricked us again!

Speaking of the President, he faced a challenge in Tuesday's West Virginia primary from a felon incarcerated in Texas. Look, I'm not saying we should vote a felon into the White House, but if he can get a real stimulus package through Congress, maybe we should consider it. Because I don't think anybody wants filibuster a bill endorsed by "President Knifey-Stab."

Reports leaked from Saudi and U.S. intelligence services indicate that the foiled Yemeni airplane bomb plot may actually be viral marketing for the forthcoming 24 movie.

Michele Bachmann just became a Swiss citizen, now holding dual citizenship in America and Switzerland, meaning she'll now have the opportunity to indignantly accuse people she disagrees with of being "un-Swiss."

The Japanese government is taking over TEPCO after the disaster at the Fukushima power plant. No word yet who will be taking over Congress after the last two years.

Punk rocker Tom Gabel came out as transgendered, shocking many who didn't realize that punk rock was still around.

And finally, the Indian Supreme Court suspended a plan to reintroduce cheetahs into the wild after special interest groups spent years cultivating relationships with members of the court who then refused to recuse themselves from cases involving their friends and business partners. Wait, no, sorry, I was thinking about the U.S. Supreme Court.

Doin' a heckuva a job, Roberts!

And that's all! If I can keep my inner Morrissey in check, there will be a podcast tomorrow. Till then, TOODLES!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 3, 2012

Oh, Spring. Thanks for the puffy eyes and mucus. It's like a horror movie out there. I had to take a Benadryl last week. Wow. They really should list on the side effects: increased likelihood of telling coworkers exactly what you think of them. Very dangerous. Okay, let's joke it up, y'all.

Chinese technology manufacturing firm Foxcon announced today that thanks to international human rights pressures, they'll be cutting hours and raising salaries for factory workers. You know, if their prices keep going up, they may have to find cheaper labor somewhere else. Like maybe Detroit?

Human media-empire Tyler Perry said yesterday that racial profiling is alive and well among law enforcement agencies. Case in point, the FBI is convinced that every African American person in the U.S. loves Tyler Perry movies.

In India, a couple rejected their newborn baby girl because they were first accidentally handed a baby boy. They're now suing for custody of the boy, proving that no matter where you go in the world, you're bound to find shitty people.

The U.S. Supreme Court upheld laws allowing for strip-searches for even minor offenses, including indecent exposure and public nudity.

British doctors are warning of an increased risk of flu transmission during the summer Olympics, due to the influx of people and viruses from all over the world. As a precaution, organizers are cancelling the 400 Meter Phlegm Relay.

Burmese democratic leader Aung San Suu Kyii announced her new plans for Burma, which is bad news for the police baton industry.

In the UK, citizens are angry over a proposed government electronic spying program, demanding that if their private data is going to be violated like that, they should at least get to play Angry Birds.

And finally, Sarah Palin will be hosting the Today Show this week, leading to the strange realization that for several hours, Kathie Lee will inadvertently be taken seriously.

Okay. Go forth and tell your friends! See you tomorrow, everyone.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 25, 2011

So... this week has been pretty light on the light-hearted banter. More like extra-light. My apologies. I blame my allergies for this. Why? I don't have a real reason, but I hate them so much. I hate them like Pakistan hates having to admit that members of its security services and armed forces are actively collaborating with international terrorists. Wait, what? I'm not sure what I meant by that, but it sounds bad for Pakistan. Good thing they don't have nuclear... Oh. Right. Eff. Oh well, have some jokes!

Have you all been keeping up with Dancing with the Stars? Have you noticed how much weight Kirstie Alley has lost? She's dropped 38 inches since the season started! Isn't that great? Ms. Alley has been so inspired by her dramatic transformation that she's now working on a diet and exercise plan called "Join the Cast of Dancing with the Stars." Admittedly, it requires more of a commitment than most people will be capable of. For example, the first step: "become a major star, beloved by millions, then fade into semi to total obscurity and wait for Tom Bergeron to call you." It's tough, but you can't argue with the results.

Elsewhere on the magical story box, Mark Burnett, the producer of CBS’s hit reality show Survivor has signed on with the History Channel to produce a 10-hour miniseries based upon the Bible. I’m sure it will be awesome, and completely respectful of the source material. Although it's going to be weird for Burnett to be working with material that's already scripted out with a clear ending in mind.

Hey, remember Candy Land, that fun children’s game from our childhood? It was the one where you, I don’t know, get candy or something? Well, pre-production began recently on the Candy Land movie! As expected, Michael Bay is slated to direct. Now you’ll get to see what it looks like when a sparkly sugar castle gets blown all to hell by robotic alien pirates. That’s probably not true, but man, what if it was?

Back to television, because that's what we love, there's big news for American Idol fans. This week, the show's creator, Simon Fuller, was honored with his own star on the Hollywood walk of fame. In a related story, Justin Gaurini will be sleeping on the sidewalk near that star. Is that how you spell his name? Oh, who gives a crap? Certainly not America.

In sadder news, the National Pinball Museum will be closing after just five months, due to a lack of funding. Although, if they get a match, they’ll get one more play. That’s a pinball joke. It barely makes sense if you’ve played pinball, and makes no sense if you haven’t. There, I admitted it. You happy now?

In other news of unhappy matches, an America woman in Salt Lake City was arrested this week for attempting to sell her daughter’s virginity. In her defense, however, the guy was offering a lot of cows and goats.

Speaking of legal issues, a recent Supreme Court ruling is forcing California to release 37,000 inmates from the state’s prisons. Unfortunately, Mark Burnett is already tied up with the Bible series on the History Channel, or else that would be one sweet reality show.

And finally, in Internet news, LinkedIn is now estimated to be worth approximately $4 billion, which means someone must have figured out how to use it for sex.

Over and out, my friends! Keep up the sunblock and let me know how the SPF is working out for you! Tell your friends the same, and we'll see you tomorrow.

Till then, have a great day, no matter what time of day you have it.

P.s.: it's either boxer shorts or south asian geopolitical analysis. No middle ground here, dear readers. I welcome your banter choice.