TNT announced Dallas will continue, despite the death of Larry Hagman, because not everything can be allowed to die with dignity.
Scientists at NASA are using the Martian rover Curiosity to track a giant storm on the red planet. They're really excited to be studying a storm not caused by climate change.
It's Cyber Monday today, which means a lot of people will typing one-handed.
Samsung announced the new Galaxy Note II has moved over five million units worldwide. Apple filed suit, saying that they patented moving five million units worldwide. Also, I think I may have done this joke before.
China landed its first jet on an aircraft carrier this weekend. It would have happened sooner, but the jet was operated by United Airlines.
Palestinian leaders said that rebuilding the Gaza Strip after Israeli bombing will be swift. In a related story, could we get New Orleans declared part of the Gaza Strip?
Oprah Winfrey is trying to woo a younger audience to her magazine, which would explain why this year's Favorite Things included "irony" and "you know, stuff." Damn kids and their music.
And finally, a camel broke free from a circus in Glendale, California, and ran wild in the streets. But it didn't get too far, thanks to the traffic.
Sorry, camel! No freedom and dignity for you!
Showing posts with label dallas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dallas. Show all posts
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - April 30, 2012
Say goodbye to April, everybody. And say it with laughter.
Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the death of Osama bin Laden, and many within the Republican party are accusing President Obama of playing politics with bin Ladin’s death. Which isn’t fair, considering that playing politics with national security has always been their thing.
The FDA just approved a new medication, Levaquin, for treating the plague. Wait a minute. Why are we making new drugs for the plague? WHAT ARE YOU NOT TELLING US, FDA?!
In New York, the Mayor’s office authorized additional livery cabs for the outer boroughs, so now there will be even more cabs out on the streets, ready to ignore black people.
After a recent anti-Saudi protests in Egypt, the Egyptian government is trying to smooth things over with the Saudi Arabian government. As part of their efforts, they’ve promised to “completely treat women like shit.”
Students in a dorm at the University of Alabama were held up by an armed robber this weekend. While the experience was traumatic, it’s nothing compared to the tender mercies of Sallie Mae.
A former Miss New Hampshire was arrested for kicking and biting her boyfriend after he accused her of cheating. Shouldn’t be a surprise, though, as her portion of the Talent competition was called simply “Jerry Springer-ing.”
In Dallas, a police officer was arrested for driving drunk, firing his weapon and possession of marijuana. He’s considering a transfer to the Secret Service.
And finally, New York City is considering a ban on “happy hour” promotions at bars. Critics argue that they’re too misleading, and have proposed renaming them “maudlin resignation hours.”
And that’s it! Later, gaters.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - July 14, 2011
Alright, one more time.
Speaking of one more time, a modern remake of the primetime soap opera Dallas will be coming to television this fall. A network executive involved said "hey, people love oil companies, right? Don't you think they want to watch a show about the people who run oil companies? That's gonna work, totally. Oh, and there's lots of slapping." Maybe if it really was a show where oil company executives got slapped, over and over, that would be worth watching.
In other television news, Ted Danson is joining the cast of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation this fall. The first case: tracking down the last ten years of Ted Danson's life. Seriously, where's he been?
In legal news, Rodney Kind was arrested recently during a routine traffic stop on suspicion of drunk driving. Well, if they're bringing back Dallas, why not do this again, too?
Elsewhere in California, former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will return to acting in the portentously-titled Last Stand. The title was changed after Schwarzenegger joined the cast. It was originally called Washed-up Action Star that Most People are Sick of Seeing. Go get 'em, tiger.
In real estate news, R. Kelly is facing foreclosure on his Chicago mansion. Apparently he's trapped in the mortgage now. "I Believe I Can Refinance?" I don't know. Maybe if the house didn't smell so strongly of Lip Smackers and urine it would sell quicker.
In other television news, Arizona State Senator Lori Klein pointed a loaded handgun at a reporter's chest during an interview this week. In her defense, she was just staying on message. That message: I'm batshit crazy about guns!
Recently an actor vandalized the set of The Late Show with David Letterman. Afterwards, the man said he "had no recollection of the entire episode." Incidentally, "no recollection of the entire episode" is also the best case scenario for viewers of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. BOOM! Take that, stranger!
And lastly, Jennifer Salke was named the new head of NBC Entertainment. She's announced a new plan for the network that she calls "making good decisions." Just might be crazy enough to work.
Anyway, that's all you get from me. Come see Spencer tomorrow, eh? He's got funny things to say. I'll see you on Monday.
Have a great day!
Speaking of one more time, a modern remake of the primetime soap opera Dallas will be coming to television this fall. A network executive involved said "hey, people love oil companies, right? Don't you think they want to watch a show about the people who run oil companies? That's gonna work, totally. Oh, and there's lots of slapping." Maybe if it really was a show where oil company executives got slapped, over and over, that would be worth watching.
In other television news, Ted Danson is joining the cast of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation this fall. The first case: tracking down the last ten years of Ted Danson's life. Seriously, where's he been?
In legal news, Rodney Kind was arrested recently during a routine traffic stop on suspicion of drunk driving. Well, if they're bringing back Dallas, why not do this again, too?
Elsewhere in California, former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will return to acting in the portentously-titled Last Stand. The title was changed after Schwarzenegger joined the cast. It was originally called Washed-up Action Star that Most People are Sick of Seeing. Go get 'em, tiger.
In real estate news, R. Kelly is facing foreclosure on his Chicago mansion. Apparently he's trapped in the mortgage now. "I Believe I Can Refinance?" I don't know. Maybe if the house didn't smell so strongly of Lip Smackers and urine it would sell quicker.
In other television news, Arizona State Senator Lori Klein pointed a loaded handgun at a reporter's chest during an interview this week. In her defense, she was just staying on message. That message: I'm batshit crazy about guns!
Recently an actor vandalized the set of The Late Show with David Letterman. Afterwards, the man said he "had no recollection of the entire episode." Incidentally, "no recollection of the entire episode" is also the best case scenario for viewers of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. BOOM! Take that, stranger!
And lastly, Jennifer Salke was named the new head of NBC Entertainment. She's announced a new plan for the network that she calls "making good decisions." Just might be crazy enough to work.
Anyway, that's all you get from me. Come see Spencer tomorrow, eh? He's got funny things to say. I'll see you on Monday.
Have a great day!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - July 11, 2011
Let's do this.
In London, the embattled newspaper News of the World shut down yesterday after 168 years of publishing. This is especially awful for anyone who got stumped on Sunday's crossword puzzle.
In a suburb of Detroit, a woman faces 93 days in jail over a vegetable garden in her front yard. Apparently it goes against the city's strong pro-bleak legislation.
In Dallas, a Rihanna concert had to be cancelled after a fire broke out above the stage. The evacuation was delayed, however, when concert staff misunderstood the chants of "the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!"
In New Zealand, a representative for a national business group came under fire last week for linking female worker productivity to menstrual cycles. It was a pretty big deal last week, but for some reason it just doesn't seem that important this week.
Music sales are up this year, leading to speculation that kids today are too stupid to figure out how to use bittorrent.
In California, Prince William and Kate Middleton wrapped up a visit to California with a visit to Santa Monica's skid row and a polo match. Apparently they really like horse.
In international news, the U.S. announced they will be halting approximately $800 million in military aid. Jeez, you hide one mass-murderer...
And lastly, Vinny Guadagnino, AKA "Vinny" of The Jersey Shore, returned to the show's beach house this weekend after earlier quitting the series. So, they're all back? Great, go ahead and board it up, guys. Hurry, before they run out of mixers!
Okay, that's all for today. Let's do this again tomorrow, what do you say?
Till then, have a great day!
In London, the embattled newspaper News of the World shut down yesterday after 168 years of publishing. This is especially awful for anyone who got stumped on Sunday's crossword puzzle.
In a suburb of Detroit, a woman faces 93 days in jail over a vegetable garden in her front yard. Apparently it goes against the city's strong pro-bleak legislation.
In Dallas, a Rihanna concert had to be cancelled after a fire broke out above the stage. The evacuation was delayed, however, when concert staff misunderstood the chants of "the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!"
In New Zealand, a representative for a national business group came under fire last week for linking female worker productivity to menstrual cycles. It was a pretty big deal last week, but for some reason it just doesn't seem that important this week.
Music sales are up this year, leading to speculation that kids today are too stupid to figure out how to use bittorrent.
In California, Prince William and Kate Middleton wrapped up a visit to California with a visit to Santa Monica's skid row and a polo match. Apparently they really like horse.
In international news, the U.S. announced they will be halting approximately $800 million in military aid. Jeez, you hide one mass-murderer...
And lastly, Vinny Guadagnino, AKA "Vinny" of The Jersey Shore, returned to the show's beach house this weekend after earlier quitting the series. So, they're all back? Great, go ahead and board it up, guys. Hurry, before they run out of mixers!
Okay, that's all for today. Let's do this again tomorrow, what do you say?
Till then, have a great day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)