Monday Morning Monologue - May 27, 2013

Hope you're enjoying your Memorial Day, if you're in America. And if you're not in America, then these jokes might not make sense to you.

Ben Affleck received an honorary degree from Brown University recently, so now those things are as worthless as an Oscar.

Two Russians got forcibly removed from a Spirit Air flight for speaking Russian this weekend. So now you know how to get off a Spirit Air flight.

Secretary of State John Kerry announced a $4billion investment in the West Bank. This is a departure for the administration, since they usually only prefer to invest in banks that helped destroy the global economy.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford denied that there was any video in existence of him smoking crack. But that's just because he sold the tapes for crack. Or he prefers to work in film. Pick your own punchline.

This weekend, the Pope urged Italy's mafia to stop exploiting others for profit. Particularly human trafficking. The Vatican was oddly silent on the practice of collecting "protection money," however. Seems they didn't want to start talking about demanding a share of the profits from people and businesses while offering nothing tangible in return but making vague promises about future punishment for non-payment.

President Obama visited Moore, Oklahoma, to survey damage from last week's tornadoes. President Obama urged Americans to "step up" the donation of money, goods, and volunteer services to help out those people devastated by the storm. Mainly because he knows that Sen. Coburn is going to filibuster any government aid.

Former Senator Bob Dole said this weekend that Reagan and Nixon could no longer get voted into office by today's Republican Party, highlighting the new party's deep-seated distrust of candidates who have been dead for years.

Last night Jupiter, Venus, and Mercury aligned into a triangle in the sky, and it was so hot.

A scientific paper published recently revealed that cockroaches learn to avoid sugar in order to stay out of deadly traps. Guess that means that cockroaches are smarter than fat kids.

Reality television star "Snooki" said that New Jersey Governor Christie "doesn't like" her. Alright, we get it. Chris Christie is just like the rest of us.

And finally, film director and convicted rapist Roman Polanski said in a recent interview that birth control pills have "masculinized" women. They have gotten so manly that he can barely bring himself to rape them anymore. In a related story, Roman Polanski started talking about women and no one had the presence of mind to say "shhhhhh."

That's it!

Monday Morning Monologue - October 17, 2011

If you're like me, then I understand your pain. Also, you are keenly aware that the second season of The Walking Dead premiered last night, and that as fictional apocalypses go, it's a pretty good one. In honor of this artistic achievement and the fact that I really don't feel like making myself aware enough of the news this weekend in order to mock our world, I'm bringing you the eight things you need to know about the (fictional) zombie apocalypse.

1. The last remaining piece of human civilization remaining after the zombie apocalypse will be The Weather Channel.

2. Zombies will never appreciate how cool a shotgun sounds when you cock it. And that is just sad.

3. If you ever find Michael Jordan's head on the ground, look out. You're about to get attacked.

4. Zombies cannot drive, which is just one more thing they have in common with New Yorkers.

5. When zombies feed, they rarely if ever remember to floss.

6. If you're in the midst of a zombie outbreak, be sure to wear something nice, but also comfortable. Because after you get turned into a zombie, that's what you'll be stuck wearing for all eternity. Ironic t-shirts are to be avoided at all cost.

7. A zombie will never pay you back that money you lent it.

8. And finally, don't shoot Bob Dole. He's not actually a zombie. Yet.

Alright, that's all I've got. Hope you appreciate the weirdness. We'll be back to hard-hitting anti-journalism tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!