Thursday Morning Monologue - May 24, 2012

What's up, friends? How about we find out... together. Aww...

In Egypt, the national presidential election began yesterday. Security forces were on hand to respond to violence from Ron Paul supporters.

In Pakistan, the doctor who helped the CIA find Osama bin Laden was sentenced to 33 years in prison for treason. Should have been spying on Tyler Clementi instead.

A vial purported to contain a sample of Ronald Reagan's blood is up for auction. How about we infect the Gipper's sample with HIV? Maybe then the GOP would fund some AIDS research.

Speaking of the GOP, Newt Gingrich's private venture projects are going bankrupt, so he may have to get back into the presidential race. LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE FREE MARKET!

Zoologists have found evidence of Chimps exhibiting human behavior recently. Specifically, they've noticed an increase in Chimps polluting the environment, buying lottery tickets and ignoring the news.

In Beijing, health officials are imposing an allowable limit of two flies per any public toilet. Any additional flies will be aborted. In a related story, Senator Larry Craig said "two flies per toilet? Sounds like a good start."

Secret Service agents dismissed in the prostitution scandal are contesting their firings, as well as their credit card bills.

And finally, Jack Kerouac's classic work On the Road is now a major motion picture, showing a whole new generation that writing doesn't need to be good to have an impact.

I'M LIVING PROOF! And that's it! Let's do it again tomorrow!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 31, 2011

Hey! It's another edition of Way Back Wednesday! I wonder... what was happening in August of 1981...

Listen up, dweebs! A new cable network just started up called Music Television. What's cable? I don't know! Only 25% of American households have it, and only 800,000 of those people can see this new "MTV," but that doesn't matter, because it's cool! How do we know? Well, it's broadcasting out of a studio in Fort Lee, New Jersey. That's pretty cool, right?

Speaking of cool, Washington Post reporter Lou Cannon just coined a new nickname for President Reagan: "The Great Communicator." It replaces his old nickname: "Good Talker Guy."

What else is new? Well, in California, lingerie designer Frederick's of Hollywood introduced a brand new style of ladies' underpants to Americans, called a "thong." It's designed to finally answer the question, "what's it like to get a paper cut on your anus?" Oh, fashion.

Earlier this month, President Reagan fired over 11,000 professional air traffic controllers who went on strike, demanding, among other things, increased rest periods between shifts. Well, glad that got cleared up. Buncha sissies, asking for sleep.

IBM unveiled a new "personal computer" this month. It's packed with 16 kilobytes of random access memory, a price tag of $1,565 and comes pre-loaded with three different viruses. Oh, and it's also got porn.

In France, the national government finally relaxed it's monopoly on radio stations. Congratulations, France: now you, too, can enjoy all the crappy radio morning shows that define a democracy.

Back in America, the Major League Baseball strike ended without the President firing them all. The season will play out normally from this point, with all teams at a record of 0-0, which is the best position Cubs have had this late in the season for decades.

And lastly, the deep space probe Voyager 2 passed within 41,000 kilometers of Saturn this month, which was sadly not quite close enough to drop off the two tons of Chinese take-out menus it carried from Cape Canaveral. Next time, boys.

Okay, that's all! Let's all go watch The Empire Strikes Back!

Till then, have a great day.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 5, 2011

Back to work, everybody. That includes you, Steve. And it includes me. Here are some more jokes.

In London this week, a life-size statue of President Ronald Reagan was unveiled in front of the U.S. Embassy. Strangely, the statue is actually crying, because it was built with taxpayer funds.

In Venezuela, Dear Leader Hugo Chavez vowed to fight his cancer like he's fought against the U.S.A.: with insane conspiracy theories.

In Mexico, a founding member of the Zetas drug cartel was arrested this week. They'll probably replace him, but it's never quite the same after you break up the original lineup. Just ask Menudo.

In North Ireland, a study found that residents spend over $800,000 on prostitution every week. Seems like the Greek bailout should involve a hooker-exchange program, right?

In Germany, Otto von Habsburg, the last living heir to the Austro-Hungarian empire and the fanciest instance of inbreeding in modern history, died at the tender age 98. Since he died of natural causes, I wonder who gets his cards? That's a RISK! joke. My apologies to people who played outside when they were kids.

In Michigan, an inmate sued the state over its ban on pornography in prison, claiming that it is cruel and unusual punishment. At least they're not making him watch "Two Girls, One Cup." DON'T GOOGLE THAT!

The Federal Aviation Administration recently gave permission to air traffic controllers to skip work if they're too tired to stay awake. This is fantastic news for people who like to avoid mid-air collisions. Come to think of it, maybe this is why the Reagan statue is crying. Because he fought the air traffic controllers union. Get it? It's history! Oh, forget it. Next up is a joke about a monkey.

Lastly, an escaped baboon was captured after leading authorities on a wild chase through the town of Howell, New Jersey. Look for the telegenic, outgoing primate to replace whats-his-name on The Jersey Shore if contract negotiations don't pan out.

Well, that's all for now. I do hope you're getting enough sleep, everybody. Yes, even you, Steve. Have a great day, and we'll see you tomorrow!