Over the weekend in New York, a helicopter successfully landed in the middle of the Hudson River. Because that's how hard it is to find a helicopter parking space in the city.
In the Middle East, news coverage is completely dominated by protests in Egypt, which means this is the perfect time for a Middle-Eastern nip-slip to go unnoticed.
Apple Computers is rumored to be trying to lock down a trademark on the term "iWatch." Too bad the NSA beat them to it.
The underage sex-abuse lawsuit against Kevin Clash, the actor who played Elmo was dismissed yesterday because the judge ruled the plaintiffs waited too long to bring their action. The judge did also rule that Clash did not wait long enough before bringing his action.
It looks like Edward Snowden is stuck in Moscow, unable to get on a flight out of the country. Probably shouldn't have booked with Orbitz.
Scientists estimate that there are 60 billion habitable planets in the Milky Way galaxy, but that number goes way down when you factor in how far away they are from Trader Joe's.
A man at a bank in Orange County, California, was nearly arrested for wearing a surgical mask. Police were relieved to find out he was not a bank robber, but merely wearing the mask because he has cancer. Not relieved, but, you know.
And finally, after the thrilling efforts of Wendy Davis in Texas to block anti-abortion legislation, NBC has announced a new summer reality competition: "So You Think You Can Filibuster!" Harry Reid has already set his DVR.
Showing posts with label nbc. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nbc. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 27, 2013
Hey, what happened to Tuesday? Who knows! Forget it. Let's think about Wednesday.
Have you seen this? Jay Leno has been mercilessly making fun of NBC's poor ratings on his show. So that joke is now officially no longer funny.
On a recent trip to Israel, President Obama said that the U.S.A.'s commitment to Israel's security is our "solemn obligation." That's also how Israel's Ultra-Orthodox refer to procreative sex.
In non-procreative sex news, Bill Gates has offered a huge grant for anyone who can come up with a better condom. The condom not only has to feel good and protect against disease and pregnancy, but it also has to kill mosquitoes.
Katie Holmes went nearly topless in a new jewelry advertising campaign. When asked about it, she said "come on, that's at best the second worst decision I ever made."
A new video game system, Kyperkin Retron 5, plays cartridges from nine classic gaming consoles. And it also comes with a certificate of authenticity for your virginity. But only if you blow on it first.
I don't know what that means.
A New Jersey liquor store sold last week's $338million Powerball ticket, making it the first time a New Jersey liquor store had anything to do with someone's dream coming true. At all.
Scientists found that there is a specific part of a rooster's brain that tells him when to start crowing. It's the same part of a human brain that makes people say "cold enough for ya?"
And finally, Russian authorities raided Amnesty International's office this week, because Putin totally isn't a villain.
And that's it! Later, cats.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - November 5, 2012
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Deadly weather events brought about in part by climate change.
Well, clearly. You'd have to be pretty dense to think otherwise.
[ha ha ha ha ha]
So, anybody do anything fun last week? Oh, screw it. Here's some jokes.
Following the destruction from Hurricane Sandy on the east coast, Verizon and AT&T reported that their networks are not back up to "95%." AT&T has promised to have that number back to "50%" by the end of the week.
China may soon be allowing video game consoles to be imported for domestic sale. Consoles were banned in 2001 when the Chinese government decided it wanted its people to be productive.
The Coptic Christian Church in Egypt picked their new Pope this weekend, by allowing a blindfolded six-year old to pick a name out of a bowl of possible Popes. I'd love to make fun of their method, but we still use the Electoral College.
In election news, early voting lines in Florida have kept voters waiting for hours in many locations. In hindsight, they probably should not have put their polling places in Apple Stores.
George Lucas sold his film company, including the Star Wars franchise, to Disney for $4billion. However, like most Star Wars merchandise, the company will be forced to get rid of it in a few years when they get a girlfriend.
No Doubt removed their latest video from circulation after Native American groups complained that it trivialized their culture. No word on when Ska will issue a similar protest.
Leonardo DiCaprio broke up with his Victoria's Secret model girlfriend, just in case you were starting to feel good about yourself.
And finally, NBC's telethon to raise donations for Hurricane Sandy relief on Friday brought in $23million in pledges, making it the most profitable program on NBC in years.
That's all for now.
Who's there?
Deadly weather events brought about in part by climate change.
Well, clearly. You'd have to be pretty dense to think otherwise.
[ha ha ha ha ha]
So, anybody do anything fun last week? Oh, screw it. Here's some jokes.
Following the destruction from Hurricane Sandy on the east coast, Verizon and AT&T reported that their networks are not back up to "95%." AT&T has promised to have that number back to "50%" by the end of the week.
China may soon be allowing video game consoles to be imported for domestic sale. Consoles were banned in 2001 when the Chinese government decided it wanted its people to be productive.
The Coptic Christian Church in Egypt picked their new Pope this weekend, by allowing a blindfolded six-year old to pick a name out of a bowl of possible Popes. I'd love to make fun of their method, but we still use the Electoral College.
In election news, early voting lines in Florida have kept voters waiting for hours in many locations. In hindsight, they probably should not have put their polling places in Apple Stores.
George Lucas sold his film company, including the Star Wars franchise, to Disney for $4billion. However, like most Star Wars merchandise, the company will be forced to get rid of it in a few years when they get a girlfriend.
No Doubt removed their latest video from circulation after Native American groups complained that it trivialized their culture. No word on when Ska will issue a similar protest.
Leonardo DiCaprio broke up with his Victoria's Secret model girlfriend, just in case you were starting to feel good about yourself.
And finally, NBC's telethon to raise donations for Hurricane Sandy relief on Friday brought in $23million in pledges, making it the most profitable program on NBC in years.
That's all for now.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 24, 2012
Let's get serious. Right after this.
In Missouri, concern is growing that Rep. Todd Akin will succeed in taking Sen. Claire McCaskill's senate seat. But the thing you need to realize is that in "legitimate elections" the body politic has a means of shutting that whole thing down. Fingers crossed.
Google Wallet is coming to MetroPCS, so now you won't need to sign a contract to have your identity stolen.
In gyms around the country, drumming is becoming the hot new full-body workout. It's especially popular with people who are extremely annoying.
Speaking of annoying, NBC is somehow leading in television ratings this season. But don't worry, Whitney will premier soon enough.
In the UK, a dentist was told to remove old magazines from the waiting room because they posed an infection risk. Also, patients were asked to stop blowing their noses in the magazines.
Photos of Fidel Castro surfaced, purporting to show that the ageless dictator is still alive. It should be noted, though that in the pictures he was wearing super-dark sunglasses and seen hanging out with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.
In all seriousness, Fidel Castro still alive, and has promised the people of Cuba that even if he does pass away, they will still continue to be repressed.
And finally, police in Kuwait were accused of excessive force for firing teargas at protesters. It could have been worse, though. Their first plan was to send out Joe Biden.
Serious it up, yo!
In Missouri, concern is growing that Rep. Todd Akin will succeed in taking Sen. Claire McCaskill's senate seat. But the thing you need to realize is that in "legitimate elections" the body politic has a means of shutting that whole thing down. Fingers crossed.
Google Wallet is coming to MetroPCS, so now you won't need to sign a contract to have your identity stolen.
In gyms around the country, drumming is becoming the hot new full-body workout. It's especially popular with people who are extremely annoying.
Speaking of annoying, NBC is somehow leading in television ratings this season. But don't worry, Whitney will premier soon enough.
In the UK, a dentist was told to remove old magazines from the waiting room because they posed an infection risk. Also, patients were asked to stop blowing their noses in the magazines.
Photos of Fidel Castro surfaced, purporting to show that the ageless dictator is still alive. It should be noted, though that in the pictures he was wearing super-dark sunglasses and seen hanging out with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.
In all seriousness, Fidel Castro still alive, and has promised the people of Cuba that even if he does pass away, they will still continue to be repressed.
And finally, police in Kuwait were accused of excessive force for firing teargas at protesters. It could have been worse, though. Their first plan was to send out Joe Biden.
Serious it up, yo!
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - September 13, 2012
Happy time big joke fun funny!
NBC defended its decision to cut away from the 9/11 anniversary ceremony to air an interview with Kris Jenner, saying that they were still sticking with the theme of tragedy.
The Dish Network announced it will air Glenn Beck's new network, so now viewers will be able to watch Mad Men again.
Climatologists warn that arctic ice melts could mean more extreme winters in the future. In response, Mountain Dew is working on a hot chocolate beverage. EXTREME!!!!!!
Following violence in Africa over an anti-Islamic video, YouTube has restricted access to the footage. However, you can still watch videos from Nickleback.
For shame, YouTube.
Archaeologists in England think they may have located the long-lost remains of King Richard III. The Sun has already run a photo of the ancient corpse's penis.
Atlanta police cleared officers of racial profiling charges after they stopped Tyler Perry for questioning. The officers apologized and said they didn't recognize him without a dress.
The hosts of the "popular" daytime talkshow The Talk decided to do an episode without any makeup. It's a good thing they're so charming.
And finally, Russia is set to build the world's biggest icebreaker ship. Once completed, it's scheduled to visit college freshman dorm orientation programs all over the world.
Oof. See you tomorrow!
NBC defended its decision to cut away from the 9/11 anniversary ceremony to air an interview with Kris Jenner, saying that they were still sticking with the theme of tragedy.
The Dish Network announced it will air Glenn Beck's new network, so now viewers will be able to watch Mad Men again.
Climatologists warn that arctic ice melts could mean more extreme winters in the future. In response, Mountain Dew is working on a hot chocolate beverage. EXTREME!!!!!!
Following violence in Africa over an anti-Islamic video, YouTube has restricted access to the footage. However, you can still watch videos from Nickleback.
For shame, YouTube.
Archaeologists in England think they may have located the long-lost remains of King Richard III. The Sun has already run a photo of the ancient corpse's penis.
Atlanta police cleared officers of racial profiling charges after they stopped Tyler Perry for questioning. The officers apologized and said they didn't recognize him without a dress.
The hosts of the "popular" daytime talkshow The Talk decided to do an episode without any makeup. It's a good thing they're so charming.
And finally, Russia is set to build the world's biggest icebreaker ship. Once completed, it's scheduled to visit college freshman dorm orientation programs all over the world.
Oof. See you tomorrow!
Monday, August 27, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 28, 2012
Yeah, laugh it up. It's all just a big joke, huh? Well, eight big jokes. Actually, eight small to medium jokes. Read on, MacDuff.
Smashing Pumpkins just announced tour dates. Unfortunately, the dates are not in 1995, so no one gives a shit.
In Taiwan, a senior health administrator caused some drama when he urged men to sit down to pee. The plan also calls for men to hold onto his inside-out pocket when walking in the prison workout yard together.
European scientists are working on a new device used to deaden the nerves in patients. In America, we just make people live in New York for a while. That tends to deaden them right up.
The American Academy of Pediatricians said this week that the benefits of male circumcision outweigh the risks. They didn't go so far as to recommend it in all cases, though. Instead, they said the study is "just a tip."
The childhood home of Muhammad Ali just went up for sale. Shouldn't be on the market too long, however, as the real estate agent confirmed to the press that she is "the greatest" at selling houses.
That's kind of a crap joke. Sorry. Go ahead, ask for your money back.
Shoe scanners at American airports have failed a battery of recent tests, so the TSA is going back to their old standby for scanning shoes: guys with a freaky foot fetish.
A study out of the University of Colorado found that certain types of nose implants caused infections after plastic surgery, which reinforces how important it is to be careful when picking your nose.
And finally, the NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City has pulled the new sitcom The New Normal from their schedule because it depicts a homosexual family. Station owners were worried the program would not conform to their values, or the values of the community. Seems like a real overreaction, though. After all, it's an NBC affiliate. No one was going to see that program anyway.
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!
Smashing Pumpkins just announced tour dates. Unfortunately, the dates are not in 1995, so no one gives a shit.
In Taiwan, a senior health administrator caused some drama when he urged men to sit down to pee. The plan also calls for men to hold onto his inside-out pocket when walking in the prison workout yard together.
European scientists are working on a new device used to deaden the nerves in patients. In America, we just make people live in New York for a while. That tends to deaden them right up.
The American Academy of Pediatricians said this week that the benefits of male circumcision outweigh the risks. They didn't go so far as to recommend it in all cases, though. Instead, they said the study is "just a tip."
The childhood home of Muhammad Ali just went up for sale. Shouldn't be on the market too long, however, as the real estate agent confirmed to the press that she is "the greatest" at selling houses.
That's kind of a crap joke. Sorry. Go ahead, ask for your money back.
Shoe scanners at American airports have failed a battery of recent tests, so the TSA is going back to their old standby for scanning shoes: guys with a freaky foot fetish.
A study out of the University of Colorado found that certain types of nose implants caused infections after plastic surgery, which reinforces how important it is to be careful when picking your nose.
And finally, the NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City has pulled the new sitcom The New Normal from their schedule because it depicts a homosexual family. Station owners were worried the program would not conform to their values, or the values of the community. Seems like a real overreaction, though. After all, it's an NBC affiliate. No one was going to see that program anyway.
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - August 20, 2012
Here's some jokes.
The Olympics ended last Sunday, and NBC just finished the last of its delayed broadcast. Now they’ll have to go back to sucking at regular programs for the next four years. They’ve got a new show premiering tonight: “America’s Got No Reason To Watch NBC.”
Doctors recently found a link between blood type and an increased risk of heart disease. Especially if your blood type is “Fatass.”
Did you hear that Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kris Humphries is unlikely to be finalized this year? This means her divorce proceedings will be twice as long as her marriage. Said Kim, “if I knew divorce was such a huge commitment, I probably would have just stayed married.”
The owner of Surfthechannel, a website that streamed illegal copies of television shows, just got sentenced to prison this week. I bet now he wishes he hadn’t watched all those episodes of OZ.
Actress Lindsay Lohan will earn two million dollars in 2012, or as she calls it “half my legal fees.”
Jennifer Aniston is engaged to Justin Theroux, so she’ll be off the market for at least six months.
Reuters reported that U.S. bank examiners ordered American banks to make plans for preventing another collapse like the one in 2008. They then ordered the banks to build a time machine. I’m kidding, of course. U.S. bank examiners can’t order anyone to do anything.
And finally, two New Jersey towns turned down offers to film the next Jersey Shore spinoff, but that’s probably just because the towns weren’t drunk enough yet.
That's all!
The Olympics ended last Sunday, and NBC just finished the last of its delayed broadcast. Now they’ll have to go back to sucking at regular programs for the next four years. They’ve got a new show premiering tonight: “America’s Got No Reason To Watch NBC.”
Doctors recently found a link between blood type and an increased risk of heart disease. Especially if your blood type is “Fatass.”
Did you hear that Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kris Humphries is unlikely to be finalized this year? This means her divorce proceedings will be twice as long as her marriage. Said Kim, “if I knew divorce was such a huge commitment, I probably would have just stayed married.”
The owner of Surfthechannel, a website that streamed illegal copies of television shows, just got sentenced to prison this week. I bet now he wishes he hadn’t watched all those episodes of OZ.
Actress Lindsay Lohan will earn two million dollars in 2012, or as she calls it “half my legal fees.”
Jennifer Aniston is engaged to Justin Theroux, so she’ll be off the market for at least six months.
Reuters reported that U.S. bank examiners ordered American banks to make plans for preventing another collapse like the one in 2008. They then ordered the banks to build a time machine. I’m kidding, of course. U.S. bank examiners can’t order anyone to do anything.
And finally, two New Jersey towns turned down offers to film the next Jersey Shore spinoff, but that’s probably just because the towns weren’t drunk enough yet.
That's all!
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 8, 2012
Hi! Meteorologists report that this is so far the hottest summer on record for the northeast. It's probably because of my new haircut. Sorry, everyone.
Television viewers watching the Olympics in Usain Bolt's hometown in Jamaica panicked yesterday when the power went out just before Bolt's 100meter race. But, then they remembered that they weren't being forced to endure NBC's godawful commentary, and celebrations broke out.
According to a new study, neurologists found differences in the brain scans of hoarders. Seems that in certain parts of the brain that are usually empty, hoarders have a bunch of newspapers and old plates shoved in.
Gov. Romney is gaining on President Obama in the fundraising race. Remember, the first one to hit the "Buy it Now" price of the White House on eBay wins!
The NYPD has come under fire from women for pat downs by male officers that they claim have a "sexual overtone." Officers have been instructed to be more subtle when rubbing their semi-erect penises against suspect's bodies. And to quit patting themselves down in public.
That's a masturbation joke.
The company Kno is now offering high school textbooks on e-readers. And fortunately, you will still be able to draw pictures of wieners in the margins for the next user.
"Scientists" in a recent "study" found a person's eyes may indicate their sexual orientation, especially if the eyes won't stop looking at boobs or wangs.
Three dick jokes? Is this a record?
Organizers of a mosque in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, finally got a court order allowing them to continue building their mosque. Celebrations were tempered by the fact that they were still in Tennessee.
And finally, a Chevron oil refinery in California is currently burning. A representative from the company said they expect to have the fire contained just as soon as gas rises another $0.30 per gallon.
That's the end!
Television viewers watching the Olympics in Usain Bolt's hometown in Jamaica panicked yesterday when the power went out just before Bolt's 100meter race. But, then they remembered that they weren't being forced to endure NBC's godawful commentary, and celebrations broke out.
According to a new study, neurologists found differences in the brain scans of hoarders. Seems that in certain parts of the brain that are usually empty, hoarders have a bunch of newspapers and old plates shoved in.
Gov. Romney is gaining on President Obama in the fundraising race. Remember, the first one to hit the "Buy it Now" price of the White House on eBay wins!
The NYPD has come under fire from women for pat downs by male officers that they claim have a "sexual overtone." Officers have been instructed to be more subtle when rubbing their semi-erect penises against suspect's bodies. And to quit patting themselves down in public.
That's a masturbation joke.
The company Kno is now offering high school textbooks on e-readers. And fortunately, you will still be able to draw pictures of wieners in the margins for the next user.
"Scientists" in a recent "study" found a person's eyes may indicate their sexual orientation, especially if the eyes won't stop looking at boobs or wangs.
Three dick jokes? Is this a record?
Organizers of a mosque in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, finally got a court order allowing them to continue building their mosque. Celebrations were tempered by the fact that they were still in Tennessee.
And finally, a Chevron oil refinery in California is currently burning. A representative from the company said they expect to have the fire contained just as soon as gas rises another $0.30 per gallon.
That's the end!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - August 2, 2012
Check this out. It's jokes and such.
In India, utilities companies restored power to 600 million people left in the dark after the power grid failed. When asked if something similar could happen in America, the federal government was quick to say "no," but only because there aren't 600 million people in America.
If you've been on Twitter lately, you've probably seen the popular #NBCFail hashtag trending in the last week. It's become so popular, in fact, that NBC decided to make it their new slogan.
Although they really did that as soon as they put Whitney on the air.
Colin Farrell said in an interview that he was "saved" by his son. That's a lot of responsibility to put on one kid. But now we know who to blame if Total Recall sucks.
In Rhode Island, the oldest general store closed this week after being in operation for 224 years. The saddest moment was when they took down the photo of the store's first winning lottery ticket. The number was 12. Also, Twinkies are blah blah blah.
Netflix debuted a new assistant called "Max" on the PS3. It will help to recommend new movies and television shows as well as automatically sending out your Social Security Number and the name of your childhood pet.
A glitch in software at the New York Stock Exchange caused some serious trading anomalies yesterday, and trading had to be briefly suspended. A representative later said that it would be fixed by Thursday. And by "fixed" they mean "rigged."
Eight women badminton players were booted out of the Olympics yesterday for throwing matches during the tournament, although analysts agreed that they all could have been contenders. Whew.
And finally, anti-marriage equality supporters thronged to Chick-Fil-A stores yesterday to show support for the company's stance against gay marriage. In a related story, your favorite lunch spot was probably devoid of assholes yesterday. Thanks, dickheads!
See you tomorrow, friends!
In India, utilities companies restored power to 600 million people left in the dark after the power grid failed. When asked if something similar could happen in America, the federal government was quick to say "no," but only because there aren't 600 million people in America.
If you've been on Twitter lately, you've probably seen the popular #NBCFail hashtag trending in the last week. It's become so popular, in fact, that NBC decided to make it their new slogan.
Although they really did that as soon as they put Whitney on the air.
Colin Farrell said in an interview that he was "saved" by his son. That's a lot of responsibility to put on one kid. But now we know who to blame if Total Recall sucks.
In Rhode Island, the oldest general store closed this week after being in operation for 224 years. The saddest moment was when they took down the photo of the store's first winning lottery ticket. The number was 12. Also, Twinkies are blah blah blah.
Netflix debuted a new assistant called "Max" on the PS3. It will help to recommend new movies and television shows as well as automatically sending out your Social Security Number and the name of your childhood pet.
A glitch in software at the New York Stock Exchange caused some serious trading anomalies yesterday, and trading had to be briefly suspended. A representative later said that it would be fixed by Thursday. And by "fixed" they mean "rigged."
Eight women badminton players were booted out of the Olympics yesterday for throwing matches during the tournament, although analysts agreed that they all could have been contenders. Whew.
And finally, anti-marriage equality supporters thronged to Chick-Fil-A stores yesterday to show support for the company's stance against gay marriage. In a related story, your favorite lunch spot was probably devoid of assholes yesterday. Thanks, dickheads!
See you tomorrow, friends!
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 25, 2012
Let's make it happen, Wednesday. I knew a kid named Wednesday once. Or maybe it was Wendy. Whatever. Enjoy these jokes, or don't.
Snoop Dogg is releasing a reggae album, just in case you'd forgotten that he liked marijuana.
Executives at NBC defended changes made to Community for next season, including cutting the number of episodes, removing Dan Harmon as show runner, and moving the show to Friday nights, following Whitney. In response to vocal criticism from fans, executives explained "we're not very good at our jobs. Perhaps you've not been paying attention."
Investors were disappointed by Apple Computers' $8.8billion profits last quarter, but encouraged by their new plan to use iTunes to sell methamphetamine.
A Monsignor in Pennsylvania was sentenced to 3 - 6 years in prison for covering up sexual abuse. He's also been ruled bowl-ineligible for the next four seasons.
YouTube is trying to discourage anonymous posting by linking user comments to their Google+ profile. The hardest part will be finding people with Google+ accounts.
NASA scientists discovered an unprecedented amount of Greenland's ice shelf melted this summer, which means a real estate boom in Greenland, right?
Netflix shares are down, but piracy is still blah blah blah. Sorry, that joke sucked.
And finally, ABC announced a new cooking reality show where chefs will be forced to create dishes under conditions found in ancient history, without modern conveniences like electricity or running water. And the secret ingredient? Probably Hepatitis. Bon appetit!
Consider that the end of the blog. Because it is.
Snoop Dogg is releasing a reggae album, just in case you'd forgotten that he liked marijuana.
Executives at NBC defended changes made to Community for next season, including cutting the number of episodes, removing Dan Harmon as show runner, and moving the show to Friday nights, following Whitney. In response to vocal criticism from fans, executives explained "we're not very good at our jobs. Perhaps you've not been paying attention."
Investors were disappointed by Apple Computers' $8.8billion profits last quarter, but encouraged by their new plan to use iTunes to sell methamphetamine.
A Monsignor in Pennsylvania was sentenced to 3 - 6 years in prison for covering up sexual abuse. He's also been ruled bowl-ineligible for the next four seasons.
YouTube is trying to discourage anonymous posting by linking user comments to their Google+ profile. The hardest part will be finding people with Google+ accounts.
NASA scientists discovered an unprecedented amount of Greenland's ice shelf melted this summer, which means a real estate boom in Greenland, right?
Netflix shares are down, but piracy is still blah blah blah. Sorry, that joke sucked.
And finally, ABC announced a new cooking reality show where chefs will be forced to create dishes under conditions found in ancient history, without modern conveniences like electricity or running water. And the secret ingredient? Probably Hepatitis. Bon appetit!
Consider that the end of the blog. Because it is.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - July 16, 2012
Good day to you. Let's get right to the joking around portion of today's blog.
A recent medical study indicates that loneliness is bad for your health and can shorten your life. So, good news. If you're miserable and alone, you'll die sooner and get it over with. The study was funded in part by the Morrissey Institute.
In Penfield, New York, a woman started a cuddling service, offering cuddles and snuggles for $60 an hour. Small price to pay to keep from dying early.
The Isuzu motor company recalled thousands of its Rodeo Sport and Amigo SUVs over safety concerns. Also, Charles Leisure had to be put down.
NBC and Facebook announced an agreement to share advertising rights for the summer Olympics. Under the agreement, NBC is responsible for losing money on television while Facebook agrees to throw away money online.
Virgin CEO Richard Branson announced his company will soon be launching satellites as part of a program that is "in no way related to super villainy."
President Obama said last week he will ease sanctions on Burma. Myanmar, however, is still on his shit list.
A Pew study found that an increasing number of people are turning to YouTube for their news, probably because news of horrible tragedies is easier to handle if it's delivered by a cat playing the piano.
And finally, an Army reservist invented an iPhone case that serves as a stun gun, delivering 650,000 volts. Or, it can be used for one extra hour of talk time.
C'est fini!
A recent medical study indicates that loneliness is bad for your health and can shorten your life. So, good news. If you're miserable and alone, you'll die sooner and get it over with. The study was funded in part by the Morrissey Institute.
In Penfield, New York, a woman started a cuddling service, offering cuddles and snuggles for $60 an hour. Small price to pay to keep from dying early.
The Isuzu motor company recalled thousands of its Rodeo Sport and Amigo SUVs over safety concerns. Also, Charles Leisure had to be put down.
NBC and Facebook announced an agreement to share advertising rights for the summer Olympics. Under the agreement, NBC is responsible for losing money on television while Facebook agrees to throw away money online.
Virgin CEO Richard Branson announced his company will soon be launching satellites as part of a program that is "in no way related to super villainy."
President Obama said last week he will ease sanctions on Burma. Myanmar, however, is still on his shit list.
A Pew study found that an increasing number of people are turning to YouTube for their news, probably because news of horrible tragedies is easier to handle if it's delivered by a cat playing the piano.
And finally, an Army reservist invented an iPhone case that serves as a stun gun, delivering 650,000 volts. Or, it can be used for one extra hour of talk time.
C'est fini!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Friday Morning Monologue - June 29, 2012
Jokes on Friday!? WHY NOT!
Yesterday, the Supreme Court ruled that President Obama's healthcare reform bill is, in fact, constitutional. Right? I didn't read the whole ruling, or an entire article about it, but I feel adequately informed to discuss its constitutionality. Right after I read the Constitution.
In other governments' news, Greece's new Finance Minister collapsed last week during his first day of work. It happened immediately after someone informed him that he was the Finance Minister in Greece.
Back in America, television host Ann Curry was paid a significant amount of money to stop working for the Today Show, proving again that NBC is great with money. No word yet on when her morning show on TBS is going to start.
By the way, NBC, I'm willing to not work for the Today Show for way less than she is.
Scientists are learning about early humans' diet from fossilized teeth from a two million year-old human. Among the startling foods found in the ancient teeth: bark, bugs, and the first Twinkie.
Speaking of old stuff, amateur archaeologists in the UK announced they have found over 50,000 ancient coins in the cushions of a very old sofa.
Back in America, roboticists built a robot programmed to play Rock, Paper, Scissors with 100% efficiency. Their findings will be published in an upcoming paper titled "Please Tell Us We Didn't Just Waste the Last Three Years of Our Lives."
In Zimbabwe, two self-confessed witches are set to undergo medical and psychological testing, as doctors fear they may be suffering from a mental illness. Their first clue? They claimed to be witches.
And finally, fans of the late lamented cult television favorite Firefly were treated to news that the stars of the show will reunite at this year's San Diego ComicCon. The reunion was promptly cancelled by Fox.
And that's how it goes.
Yesterday, the Supreme Court ruled that President Obama's healthcare reform bill is, in fact, constitutional. Right? I didn't read the whole ruling, or an entire article about it, but I feel adequately informed to discuss its constitutionality. Right after I read the Constitution.
In other governments' news, Greece's new Finance Minister collapsed last week during his first day of work. It happened immediately after someone informed him that he was the Finance Minister in Greece.
Back in America, television host Ann Curry was paid a significant amount of money to stop working for the Today Show, proving again that NBC is great with money. No word yet on when her morning show on TBS is going to start.
By the way, NBC, I'm willing to not work for the Today Show for way less than she is.
Scientists are learning about early humans' diet from fossilized teeth from a two million year-old human. Among the startling foods found in the ancient teeth: bark, bugs, and the first Twinkie.
Speaking of old stuff, amateur archaeologists in the UK announced they have found over 50,000 ancient coins in the cushions of a very old sofa.
Back in America, roboticists built a robot programmed to play Rock, Paper, Scissors with 100% efficiency. Their findings will be published in an upcoming paper titled "Please Tell Us We Didn't Just Waste the Last Three Years of Our Lives."
In Zimbabwe, two self-confessed witches are set to undergo medical and psychological testing, as doctors fear they may be suffering from a mental illness. Their first clue? They claimed to be witches.
And finally, fans of the late lamented cult television favorite Firefly were treated to news that the stars of the show will reunite at this year's San Diego ComicCon. The reunion was promptly cancelled by Fox.
And that's how it goes.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 5, 2012
Alright, alright. I'll write. It's Tuesday all across America. Very important day in politics. Hope you all had a great breakfast. Yes, the banter is particularly disjointed today. Apologies. All apologies. Smells like Teen Spirit. By Mennen. I really shouldn't try to banter while watching the Thunder play.
Okay, how about some jokes?
Actor and activist Brad Pitt is lending his voice to a radio production of the marriage equality play 8, which is far less depressing than it's prequel Se7en. But both still oddly feature Gwenyth Paltrow's severed head.
In great news for terrible people, word is coming down that soon kids may be able to join Facebook, so they won't have to pretend they're adults anymore. At the same time, creepy old dudes will no longer have to pretend that they're kids pretending to be 14 years old. The Internet is confusing.
In Catholicism news, Sister Margaret Farley was denounced by the Vatican for writing a theological rationale for gay relationships and masturbation. The Vatican said her work "poses grave harm," which means they probably don't understand the mechanics of sex.
In sad news, a Black Bear was euthanized after it ate the remains of a murderer in Canada. Guys, nobody eat that bear. Seriously. Stop the cycle.
Four men were found guilty in Denmark for planning a terror plot against a newspaper for publishing cartoons of the Prophet Muhammed. But no one seems to give a shit about all the newspapers in the world that carry The Family Circus.
Economists figured out recently that a victory this November by President Obama will end up costing Mitt Romney $5million in tax increases. A Romney victory, on the other hand, will wind up costing him substantially more.
Because he has to spend a lot of money for votes.
Comedian Bill Maher just bought a stake in the New York Mets baseball team because he really does have a love of good jokes.
And finally, psychologists are working to understand a new mental disorder they're calling the "Truman Show delusion," which makes people think they're living in a counterfeit world, watched by everyone, just like the movie The Truman Show. There's also a lesser known "NBC delusion" that makes people think that no one is watching them, ever.
Whew. Thunder up, my friends.
Okay, how about some jokes?
Actor and activist Brad Pitt is lending his voice to a radio production of the marriage equality play 8, which is far less depressing than it's prequel Se7en. But both still oddly feature Gwenyth Paltrow's severed head.
In great news for terrible people, word is coming down that soon kids may be able to join Facebook, so they won't have to pretend they're adults anymore. At the same time, creepy old dudes will no longer have to pretend that they're kids pretending to be 14 years old. The Internet is confusing.
In Catholicism news, Sister Margaret Farley was denounced by the Vatican for writing a theological rationale for gay relationships and masturbation. The Vatican said her work "poses grave harm," which means they probably don't understand the mechanics of sex.
In sad news, a Black Bear was euthanized after it ate the remains of a murderer in Canada. Guys, nobody eat that bear. Seriously. Stop the cycle.
Four men were found guilty in Denmark for planning a terror plot against a newspaper for publishing cartoons of the Prophet Muhammed. But no one seems to give a shit about all the newspapers in the world that carry The Family Circus.
Economists figured out recently that a victory this November by President Obama will end up costing Mitt Romney $5million in tax increases. A Romney victory, on the other hand, will wind up costing him substantially more.
Because he has to spend a lot of money for votes.
Comedian Bill Maher just bought a stake in the New York Mets baseball team because he really does have a love of good jokes.
And finally, psychologists are working to understand a new mental disorder they're calling the "Truman Show delusion," which makes people think they're living in a counterfeit world, watched by everyone, just like the movie The Truman Show. There's also a lesser known "NBC delusion" that makes people think that no one is watching them, ever.
Whew. Thunder up, my friends.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 9, 2012
Welcome back, my friends! Did you miss me? Oh, go on. No, go on. Go on, read the rest of this. Then you might not miss me so much...
Burmese democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi was issued her first passport in 24 years this week, and was unfortunately squinting in her photo. Oh well, better luck next time!
A Nebraska man changed his name to Tyrannosaurus Rex this week because he thought of it before you did.
George Lucas said recently that education is the single most important job in America, which is why he has vowed to replace every American teacher with a computer-generated alien by 2020.
Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney on Monday after the presumptive candidate agreed to fight for tax breaks for sweater vests and idiots.
America's envoy to Pakistan is leaving the country after almost two years, which means Pakistan should probably get ready for some more drone strikes.
In entertainment news, NBC just picked up two new sitcoms for next season: 1600 Penn and Animal Practice. A spokesman said the network is thrilled to have the new shows, and can't wait to cancel them.
North Carolina voters passed a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage in the state, because fuck tolerance. Incidentally, "Fuck Tolerance" was going to be the new state motto, but the voters didn't know what the word "tolerance" meant, assumed it was French and that saying it would somehow make them all gay.
Seriously, 58% of North Carolina voters can fuck right off.
And finally, airport security screeners in Warwick, Rhode Island, found gun parts stashed in a child's stuffed animals. The child's father was shocked by the find, mostly because that meant he'd accidentally left all his heroin at home.
Okay, that's it! See you tomorrow! Unless you voted for North Carolina's Amendment One, in which case you can fuck right off!
Burmese democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi was issued her first passport in 24 years this week, and was unfortunately squinting in her photo. Oh well, better luck next time!
A Nebraska man changed his name to Tyrannosaurus Rex this week because he thought of it before you did.
George Lucas said recently that education is the single most important job in America, which is why he has vowed to replace every American teacher with a computer-generated alien by 2020.
Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney on Monday after the presumptive candidate agreed to fight for tax breaks for sweater vests and idiots.
America's envoy to Pakistan is leaving the country after almost two years, which means Pakistan should probably get ready for some more drone strikes.
In entertainment news, NBC just picked up two new sitcoms for next season: 1600 Penn and Animal Practice. A spokesman said the network is thrilled to have the new shows, and can't wait to cancel them.
North Carolina voters passed a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage in the state, because fuck tolerance. Incidentally, "Fuck Tolerance" was going to be the new state motto, but the voters didn't know what the word "tolerance" meant, assumed it was French and that saying it would somehow make them all gay.
Seriously, 58% of North Carolina voters can fuck right off.
And finally, airport security screeners in Warwick, Rhode Island, found gun parts stashed in a child's stuffed animals. The child's father was shocked by the find, mostly because that meant he'd accidentally left all his heroin at home.
Okay, that's it! See you tomorrow! Unless you voted for North Carolina's Amendment One, in which case you can fuck right off!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - March 5, 2012
Oh, happy Monday my friends. Did you have an amazing weekend? Then keep it to yourself. I spent all weekend seeing just how many cubic feet of Kleenex I could soil with only the power of my nose. It's a sizable number. But in between, I was able to craft you these jokes. Don't worry, I washed my hands first.
North Korea agreed to halt its uranium enrichment program in exchange for food. So now that it's worked once, you should expect to see homeless people carrying that on cardboard signs from now on.
In Japan, researchers created violin strings out of spider silk. They say the sound is great, but you have to keep stopping the music to clean off all the flies that get stuck to it.
In spring training baseball news, Atlanta Braves' Julio Teheran gave up six home runs against the Detroit Tigers, which makes him the best thing to happen to the Tigers in decades.
Following Rush Limbaugh's latest douchbaggery, seven advertisers have pulled out of his show. If he loses any more, he'll end up on NBC.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin declared victory in the recent presidential "elections." Still not sure why he made the air quote symbol when he did it.
George Clooney took to the stage this weekend in a play based on the anti-gay marriage referendum Proposition 8. Clooney said he wants all people to have the same rights he does. Namely, the right to decide to never, ever get married. Ever.
Actor John Cusack said in an interview this weekend that making a sequel to his 1997 film Con Air 2 "would be fun." He then added, "no, I never actually watched the first one all the way through. Why do you ask?"
And finally, computer hackers reportedly took control of key NASA computers in 2011.
...wait a minute. I think it's time for a PUNCHLINE SWARM! Let's go!
...Authorities were astounded to hear that any hackers were still familiar with TANDY machines.
...The surprising thing is that any key NASA computers were actually turned on in 2011.
...NASA reportedly will have to spend thousands of dollars re-installing special-effects software on the machines.
...It was really easy. They just bought the machines at a garage sale.
...That would explain why ICanHazCheezburger.com turned into ICanHazFreezDriedIceCream.com
...Thank goodness NASA doesn't actually do anything.
Okay, that's all for now! Please feel free to post your own punchline. Maybe I'll retweet it. I'm probably not going to do that. I shouldn't make that promise. But it could still be fun, and shoutouts could be had! Till tomorrow, keep watching the skies!
North Korea agreed to halt its uranium enrichment program in exchange for food. So now that it's worked once, you should expect to see homeless people carrying that on cardboard signs from now on.
In Japan, researchers created violin strings out of spider silk. They say the sound is great, but you have to keep stopping the music to clean off all the flies that get stuck to it.
In spring training baseball news, Atlanta Braves' Julio Teheran gave up six home runs against the Detroit Tigers, which makes him the best thing to happen to the Tigers in decades.
Following Rush Limbaugh's latest douchbaggery, seven advertisers have pulled out of his show. If he loses any more, he'll end up on NBC.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin declared victory in the recent presidential "elections." Still not sure why he made the air quote symbol when he did it.
George Clooney took to the stage this weekend in a play based on the anti-gay marriage referendum Proposition 8. Clooney said he wants all people to have the same rights he does. Namely, the right to decide to never, ever get married. Ever.
Actor John Cusack said in an interview this weekend that making a sequel to his 1997 film Con Air 2 "would be fun." He then added, "no, I never actually watched the first one all the way through. Why do you ask?"
And finally, computer hackers reportedly took control of key NASA computers in 2011.
...wait a minute. I think it's time for a PUNCHLINE SWARM! Let's go!
...Authorities were astounded to hear that any hackers were still familiar with TANDY machines.
...The surprising thing is that any key NASA computers were actually turned on in 2011.
...NASA reportedly will have to spend thousands of dollars re-installing special-effects software on the machines.
...It was really easy. They just bought the machines at a garage sale.
...That would explain why ICanHazCheezburger.com turned into ICanHazFreezDriedIceCream.com
...Thank goodness NASA doesn't actually do anything.
Okay, that's all for now! Please feel free to post your own punchline. Maybe I'll retweet it. I'm probably not going to do that. I shouldn't make that promise. But it could still be fun, and shoutouts could be had! Till tomorrow, keep watching the skies!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - January 30, 2012
Happy Monday to you, and a happy birthday to Richard Cheney! He turns 71 years young today, in bold defiance of science and nature. Congratulations! Now why don't you go fuck yourself? Okay, now for some jokes.
In politics, Newt Gingrich is quickly losing ground among Florida voters, probably because they saw him in a Speedo.
Police in Oakland arrested around 300 protesters from Occupy Wall Street, and now Oakland is finally safe.
Speaking of Occupy Wall Street, one of the protesters in Washington, D.C. was tased this weekend near the White House. And to add insult to injury, the taser was made by non-union factory workers overseas.
At the funeral for Etta James, pop star Christina Aguilera sang "At Last," but was drowned out by the sound of Ms. James spinning 'round in her grave.
In more political news, Newt Gingrich received an endorsement from Herman Cain and thus sewed up the crucial mistress vote.
Only six more days until the Super Bowl, and thus six more days for grown men to feel free to talk to each other. Enjoy it while it lasts, guys.
Democratic dissident and activist Aung San Suu Kyi has begun campaigning in her native Burma (or Myanmar) ahead of national elections. Newt Gingrich's Super PAC is already airing attack ads against her.
And finally, NBC is pulling a scheduled episode of Fear Factor that featured donkey semen. The show will be replaced with that episode of Whitney that featured horse shit. Yeah, that could be any of them.
And that's all for today! Later, friends! Have a great day!
In politics, Newt Gingrich is quickly losing ground among Florida voters, probably because they saw him in a Speedo.
Police in Oakland arrested around 300 protesters from Occupy Wall Street, and now Oakland is finally safe.
Speaking of Occupy Wall Street, one of the protesters in Washington, D.C. was tased this weekend near the White House. And to add insult to injury, the taser was made by non-union factory workers overseas.
At the funeral for Etta James, pop star Christina Aguilera sang "At Last," but was drowned out by the sound of Ms. James spinning 'round in her grave.
In more political news, Newt Gingrich received an endorsement from Herman Cain and thus sewed up the crucial mistress vote.
Only six more days until the Super Bowl, and thus six more days for grown men to feel free to talk to each other. Enjoy it while it lasts, guys.
Democratic dissident and activist Aung San Suu Kyi has begun campaigning in her native Burma (or Myanmar) ahead of national elections. Newt Gingrich's Super PAC is already airing attack ads against her.
And finally, NBC is pulling a scheduled episode of Fear Factor that featured donkey semen. The show will be replaced with that episode of Whitney that featured horse shit. Yeah, that could be any of them.
And that's all for today! Later, friends! Have a great day!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - January 23, 2012
Anything happen this weekend?
Two Canadian Naval officers have been accused of spilling state secrets recently, leading to suspicions that Canada actually has state secrets. Other than the Weapon X program, of course.
At a speaking event this weekend, Mitt Romney yelled back at hecklers in the audience, telling them to "take a hike." He then asked Geordi LaForge if this is "the human emotion 'anger' I've heard so much about." Because he's a robot. Like Data. From Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Ahead of the South Carolina primary, Mitt Romney described his competition with Newt Gingrich as "neck-and-neck." After his loss, a visibly upset Romney revised it to "neck-and-jowl."
Speaking of the race, Mitt Romney said this weekend that he will release his tax returns after all. Gingrich wasted no time in accusing Romney of "flip-flopping" on the issue.
Famed songwriter Burt Bacharach is writing his memoir, although it will probably do much better when someone else reads it for him.
In Chicago, a priest under investigation for sexual abuse was chastised this weekend for holding Mass while he is prohibited from public ministry. The priest apparently thought he was banned from pubic ministry. Simple mistake.
Star of MTV's The Hills, Kristin Cavallari, is expecting her first child. NBC has already offered the child a development deal. Seriously. They're in some trouble.
And finally, BlackBerry is replacing its CEOs, due to their incompetence. As part of their severance package, they've been given two weeks pay and as many of those stupid BlackBerry Playbooks as they can carry.
And that's the end for now. See you tomorrow!
Two Canadian Naval officers have been accused of spilling state secrets recently, leading to suspicions that Canada actually has state secrets. Other than the Weapon X program, of course.
At a speaking event this weekend, Mitt Romney yelled back at hecklers in the audience, telling them to "take a hike." He then asked Geordi LaForge if this is "the human emotion 'anger' I've heard so much about." Because he's a robot. Like Data. From Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Ahead of the South Carolina primary, Mitt Romney described his competition with Newt Gingrich as "neck-and-neck." After his loss, a visibly upset Romney revised it to "neck-and-jowl."
Speaking of the race, Mitt Romney said this weekend that he will release his tax returns after all. Gingrich wasted no time in accusing Romney of "flip-flopping" on the issue.
Famed songwriter Burt Bacharach is writing his memoir, although it will probably do much better when someone else reads it for him.
In Chicago, a priest under investigation for sexual abuse was chastised this weekend for holding Mass while he is prohibited from public ministry. The priest apparently thought he was banned from pubic ministry. Simple mistake.
Star of MTV's The Hills, Kristin Cavallari, is expecting her first child. NBC has already offered the child a development deal. Seriously. They're in some trouble.
And finally, BlackBerry is replacing its CEOs, due to their incompetence. As part of their severance package, they've been given two weeks pay and as many of those stupid BlackBerry Playbooks as they can carry.
And that's the end for now. See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 4, 2012
Well, with 89% of precincts reporting, I still don't care about the Iowa Caucus. So don't expect any jokes about it today. Maybe I'll give a damn tomorrow. But I do give a damn about these jokes. Read them and enjoy, or not.
Due to awful sales and mounting losses, RIM just reduced the price of all their Playbook tablets to $299. It's like if NBC decided to start selling all their advertising spots at Whitney prices.
A new "tropical" breed of hybrid sharks was spotted off the Australian coast. Biologists believe the breed is tougher than normal sharks, and presents a great new opportunity for shitty SyFy channel movies.
In Maryland, a lost hiker was saved in part by an iPhone flashlight app, which is convenient since it was the iPhone GPS that got him lost in the first place.
Speaking of lost, pop musician Fergie said this week that she might be having a baby this year. The only downside is that at some point, she's going to sing to that baby, and there's nothing comforting about an auto-tuned lullaby.
Speaking of babies, Lady Gaga said recently that "my next baby will be my new record." So, get ready for a scream-filled album that isn't nearly as cute as Lady Gaga thinks it is. And also, I guess that means a follow-up EP would be like the afterbirth?
China's President Hu Jintao said this week that the West is trying to dominate China by spreading its culture and ideology to China. It may sound xenophobic, but I understand his motivation. No one wants to wake up in the sort of country that created Whitney.
In Spain, Salma Hayek received knighthood this weekend. I can't imagine how they're going to find a suit of armor that fits her, though.
And finally, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark surpassed Wicked as the biggest financial success on Broadway. But in fairness, most of that came from Aflac injury claims.
Okay, that's the end of today. Tomorrow will be a new day, perhaps with Romney and Santorum and the awful choices Iowa's Republicans make. Till then, have a great day!
Due to awful sales and mounting losses, RIM just reduced the price of all their Playbook tablets to $299. It's like if NBC decided to start selling all their advertising spots at Whitney prices.
A new "tropical" breed of hybrid sharks was spotted off the Australian coast. Biologists believe the breed is tougher than normal sharks, and presents a great new opportunity for shitty SyFy channel movies.
In Maryland, a lost hiker was saved in part by an iPhone flashlight app, which is convenient since it was the iPhone GPS that got him lost in the first place.
Speaking of lost, pop musician Fergie said this week that she might be having a baby this year. The only downside is that at some point, she's going to sing to that baby, and there's nothing comforting about an auto-tuned lullaby.
Speaking of babies, Lady Gaga said recently that "my next baby will be my new record." So, get ready for a scream-filled album that isn't nearly as cute as Lady Gaga thinks it is. And also, I guess that means a follow-up EP would be like the afterbirth?
China's President Hu Jintao said this week that the West is trying to dominate China by spreading its culture and ideology to China. It may sound xenophobic, but I understand his motivation. No one wants to wake up in the sort of country that created Whitney.
In Spain, Salma Hayek received knighthood this weekend. I can't imagine how they're going to find a suit of armor that fits her, though.
And finally, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark surpassed Wicked as the biggest financial success on Broadway. But in fairness, most of that came from Aflac injury claims.
Okay, that's the end of today. Tomorrow will be a new day, perhaps with Romney and Santorum and the awful choices Iowa's Republicans make. Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - December 19, 2011
Happy Monday! Is anyone else having a wonderful winter? I'm thinking about getting some thermal longjohns. I think I should mention that I'm already engaged, so contain your fulminating desire that image conjures. Instead, think about these jokes. And how awesome a word "fulminating" is. Stick that in your "Words with Friends."
Unlikely serious presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said yesterday that as President he would arrest "activist judges" who he felt were out of line with mainstream America. This should serve as a warning not only to the judiciary, but also to any women who've dumped him in the past.
Following up on attacks from Romney, Bachmann and others, Gingrich said that his rivals' criticism of his record is "not based on facts," but instead based upon things Newt has said in the past. Not to be confused with facts.
NBC will be airing a special televised tribute to Betty White for her 90th birthday. Congratulations on lasting this long, NBC! Now cancel Whitney.
A New Jersey cable repairman was surprised to discover a brown bear living in an elderly woman's basement last week. And that's what happens when you find a roommate through Craigslist.
Over 15,000 Czech citizens listed "Knights of the Jedi" as their religion on a recent census. Unsurprisingly, they all listed their sex as "no, not yet."
A popular Chinese actor was arrested last week after authorities discovered he was in fact a fugitive from justice who was wanted in an assault on a police officer. After his arrest, Ji Siguang told journalists his crime was perfect, except for the part where he pursued a career in television acting.
NBC will be airing a special televised tribute to Betty White for her 90th birthday. Congratulations on lasting this long, NBC! Now cancel Whitney.
A New Jersey cable repairman was surprised to discover a brown bear living in an elderly woman's basement last week. And that's what happens when you find a roommate through Craigslist.
Over 15,000 Czech citizens listed "Knights of the Jedi" as their religion on a recent census. Unsurprisingly, they all listed their sex as "no, not yet."
A popular Chinese actor was arrested last week after authorities discovered he was in fact a fugitive from justice who was wanted in an assault on a police officer. After his arrest, Ji Siguang told journalists his crime was perfect, except for the part where he pursued a career in television acting.
Facing criticism for secretly gathering data on its users, Sprint said this weekend that the Carrier IQ snooping software has been disabled on its smartphone devices. AT&T went a step further, and disabled all smartphone functionality for its users.
And lastly, Kobe Bryant's wife filed for divorce, and this time the NBA commissioner did not block the trade. It's worth noting that Bryant and his wife never signed a prenuptial agreement, so there's no salary cap for this free agent! I don't understand sports.
That's all for now! See you tomorrow, friends.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 13, 2011
Hey, how about Buffalo? Did you know they have their own bread? It's called "weck." Yep. That's a true story. Everyone else calls it a Kaiser roll. Isn't it amazing what you can learn when you get stuck at the Buffalo airport? Oh, and also, you can write jokes. Jokes like these:
Schools in southern California are reporting a surge in tuba thefts. Police are looking for suspicious people with tuba-shaped bulges under their shirts.
Biologists have finally discovered how large birds, like the ostrich and emu, are able to sustain erections without blood flowing to the member. One of the proud discoverers said of the announcement, “Yep, we figured it out. Now can we please stop studying bird erections?”
Speaking of bird boners, Fear Factor is back on NBC, forcing contestants to confront their fears and endure disgusting trials for big cash prizes. On next week’s premier, contestants will be forced to watch an entire episode of Whitney.
Election observers in the Ivory Coast reported a low turnout in their recent parliamentary elections. But come on, turnout is always low for elections in non-coup years.
Last week, a judge ordered a French man who is obsessed with Kirsten Dunst to stay away from the actress. And to make sure this obsession ends, the stalker will be forced to watch Spider-Man 3 and Elizabethtown. That should take care of it.
Speaking of particle physics, the Higgs boson particle was finally seen at the Large Hadron Colider. It was spotted with Ryan Reynolds, but then again, who hasn’t been?
Remember Lindsay Lohan? She said recently that she realizes now she should have listened more to people offering her advice, and that she could have avoided most of her problems if she’d just made better decisions. The full interview will be published in next month’s issue of No Shit magazine.
And finally, North Korea warned South Korea not to put up Christmas lights on a South Korean observation tower at the Demilitarized Zone, saying that such a display would cause “unexpected consequences.” In case you were wondering, that is what a War on Christmas actually looks like. Happy Holidays, people.
Yep. That ends Tuesday's blog. More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day.
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