Former Egyptian "President" Hosni Mubarak is out of prison and under house arrest. He's looking forward to ruthlessly crushing the weeds in his backyard garden.
New Watergate tapes came out yesterday, giving more insight into President Nixon's state of mind leading up to the scandal. Also, this posthumous release has finally cemented his position as the Tupac of American presidents.
A 6.2-magnitude earthquake shook Acapulco, Mexico, yesterday, momentarily causing hundreds of American tourists to stand up straight.
Former Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts denied rumors this week that he would run for governor, saying that he will instead get back to failing at things with his family instead.
In Texas, and American Airlines flight attendant trainee was arrested for calling in bomb threats to United Airlines. And that's why you don't haze flight attendant trainees, people.
The number of circumcisions performed in the United States is shrinking, but that's probably just because it was cold.
A new study found that kids who take anti-psychotic drugs are more likely to develop Type 2 Diabetes later in life, while kids who don't take anti-psychotic drugs are more likely to think they're Jesus.
And finally, new data indicates that the NSA has access to over 75% of all Internet traffic, so they probably know the one weird trick to reduce belly fat. And if they don't, then what the hell are we doing?
That's it!
Showing posts with label united airlines. Show all posts
Showing posts with label united airlines. Show all posts
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 8, 2012
Toyota is now making cars that drive themselves. Saudi Arabia has demanded that Toyota assure them that none of the cars are female. Because ladies can't drive in Saudi Arabia.
The very first CEO of Hulu.com's is finally leaving. He's been with the company since its beginning, but his tenure has been periodically interrupted by commercials for All State insurance.
According to the CDC, 2012 was worst year for whooping cough since 1955. This comes as a serious blow to hipsters who discovered the illness years ago and contracted it back before it became popular.
Doctors studying the norovirus have created a robot that vomits just like a human. All they had to do was take a regular robot and make it pledge a fraternity.
Kim Kardashian is pregnant, so now I'll be ignoring her for two.
The world's first double-hand transplant recipient is healing, and relearning how to hold to hold things this month. Doctors say that once the swelling in her hands goes down the new fingers should still fit nicely into her nose.
A cat was arrested for breaking into a Brazilian prison with contraband items taped to it. If convicted, the cat faces five years in prison, which is like 30 cat years.
And finally, on a flight to New York, a drunken and unruly man was tied up and duct taped to his seat. Or, as United Calls it, "Business Class."
And that's it!
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - November 26, 2012
TNT announced Dallas will continue, despite the death of Larry Hagman, because not everything can be allowed to die with dignity.
Scientists at NASA are using the Martian rover Curiosity to track a giant storm on the red planet. They're really excited to be studying a storm not caused by climate change.
It's Cyber Monday today, which means a lot of people will typing one-handed.
Samsung announced the new Galaxy Note II has moved over five million units worldwide. Apple filed suit, saying that they patented moving five million units worldwide. Also, I think I may have done this joke before.
China landed its first jet on an aircraft carrier this weekend. It would have happened sooner, but the jet was operated by United Airlines.
Palestinian leaders said that rebuilding the Gaza Strip after Israeli bombing will be swift. In a related story, could we get New Orleans declared part of the Gaza Strip?
Oprah Winfrey is trying to woo a younger audience to her magazine, which would explain why this year's Favorite Things included "irony" and "you know, stuff." Damn kids and their music.
And finally, a camel broke free from a circus in Glendale, California, and ran wild in the streets. But it didn't get too far, thanks to the traffic.
Sorry, camel! No freedom and dignity for you!
Scientists at NASA are using the Martian rover Curiosity to track a giant storm on the red planet. They're really excited to be studying a storm not caused by climate change.
It's Cyber Monday today, which means a lot of people will typing one-handed.
Samsung announced the new Galaxy Note II has moved over five million units worldwide. Apple filed suit, saying that they patented moving five million units worldwide. Also, I think I may have done this joke before.
China landed its first jet on an aircraft carrier this weekend. It would have happened sooner, but the jet was operated by United Airlines.
Palestinian leaders said that rebuilding the Gaza Strip after Israeli bombing will be swift. In a related story, could we get New Orleans declared part of the Gaza Strip?
Oprah Winfrey is trying to woo a younger audience to her magazine, which would explain why this year's Favorite Things included "irony" and "you know, stuff." Damn kids and their music.
And finally, a camel broke free from a circus in Glendale, California, and ran wild in the streets. But it didn't get too far, thanks to the traffic.
Sorry, camel! No freedom and dignity for you!
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Friday Morning Monologue - November 16, 2012
Texas A&M wide receiver Thomas Johnson was found safely in Dallas yesterday after disappearing earlier in the week. Coaches were relieved to have him back, and will be more specific next time they tell him to go long.
United Airlines had a massive computer outage yesterday, forcing them to work without the technology that has made it so much easier for them to deliver shitty service. Just like the olden times.
eBay is testing a new same-day delivery service, for when you absolutely can't wait to have the things that you absolutely don't have to have.
In South Africa a man was arrested with 220 diamonds hidden in his stomach. Authorities accused him of smuggling, although it's likely he was planning to take the world's most expensive dump.
Seattle Police just published a guide to legal marijuana use. Fortunately it was printed on rolling papers.
New Scrabble boards include RFID chips to broadcast your games over the Internet, so that bullies will know exactly where to go to kick your ass.
A new study found that "exposure" to living in America increases the risk of diabetes for immigrants. More importantly, however, it increases the risk of exposure to Kardashians.
And finally, soccer star Luis Suarez said, following a trade from Manchester United to Liverpool, that he's happy to be in Liverpool, making him the only person who is happy to be in Liverpool.
That's it! See you next week!
United Airlines had a massive computer outage yesterday, forcing them to work without the technology that has made it so much easier for them to deliver shitty service. Just like the olden times.
eBay is testing a new same-day delivery service, for when you absolutely can't wait to have the things that you absolutely don't have to have.
In South Africa a man was arrested with 220 diamonds hidden in his stomach. Authorities accused him of smuggling, although it's likely he was planning to take the world's most expensive dump.
Seattle Police just published a guide to legal marijuana use. Fortunately it was printed on rolling papers.
New Scrabble boards include RFID chips to broadcast your games over the Internet, so that bullies will know exactly where to go to kick your ass.
A new study found that "exposure" to living in America increases the risk of diabetes for immigrants. More importantly, however, it increases the risk of exposure to Kardashians.
And finally, soccer star Luis Suarez said, following a trade from Manchester United to Liverpool, that he's happy to be in Liverpool, making him the only person who is happy to be in Liverpool.
That's it! See you next week!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2012
What's happening, friends? What happened yesterday? I don't know. This stuff is all made up.
At the GOP convention last night, Ann Romney said of her husband Mitt that he would "lift up the country," presumably to see if any coins or other money were beneath it.
In other Ann Romney news, she recently taped an interview detailing her miscarriage, because that's way less personal and difficult to talk about than her husband's tax returns.
In Brazil, a man and two women sparked controversy by registering together for a civil union. Local religious groups are protesting the union on the grounds that it could make these people happy.
Retail computer news now. Someone has apparently leaked the Apple Store's training manual for the "Genius Bar," including tips and tricks for fixing common issues. Insiders think it may be part of a plot to keep Apple users from asking so many stupid questions at the Genius Bar.
A medical study from the U.K. said that heavy pot use among young people can lead to a loss of I.Q. points as adults. Also, it can contribute to you having just completely shit taste in music.
United Airlines flights were delayed for two and a half hours yesterday due to a computer virus, which was a change for the airline as it normally relies on good old human incompetence to delay their flights.
News outlets in Greece reported a Greek tanker ship seized by pirates off the Togo coast. Unfortunately for the pirates, it was immediately repossessed by the bank.
And finally, Duran Duran cancelled their third straight show on advice from keyboardist Nick Rhodes' doctor. The doctor clarified the situation, saying "oh, there's nothing wrong with him. I just hate their music. They should cancel all their shows."
Oops, that's it. I'm gonna go listen to The Wedding Album now.
At the GOP convention last night, Ann Romney said of her husband Mitt that he would "lift up the country," presumably to see if any coins or other money were beneath it.
In other Ann Romney news, she recently taped an interview detailing her miscarriage, because that's way less personal and difficult to talk about than her husband's tax returns.
In Brazil, a man and two women sparked controversy by registering together for a civil union. Local religious groups are protesting the union on the grounds that it could make these people happy.
Retail computer news now. Someone has apparently leaked the Apple Store's training manual for the "Genius Bar," including tips and tricks for fixing common issues. Insiders think it may be part of a plot to keep Apple users from asking so many stupid questions at the Genius Bar.
A medical study from the U.K. said that heavy pot use among young people can lead to a loss of I.Q. points as adults. Also, it can contribute to you having just completely shit taste in music.
United Airlines flights were delayed for two and a half hours yesterday due to a computer virus, which was a change for the airline as it normally relies on good old human incompetence to delay their flights.
News outlets in Greece reported a Greek tanker ship seized by pirates off the Togo coast. Unfortunately for the pirates, it was immediately repossessed by the bank.
And finally, Duran Duran cancelled their third straight show on advice from keyboardist Nick Rhodes' doctor. The doctor clarified the situation, saying "oh, there's nothing wrong with him. I just hate their music. They should cancel all their shows."
Oops, that's it. I'm gonna go listen to The Wedding Album now.
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