In California a Taco Bell employee posted a photo to Facebook that showed him apparently licking a stack of taco shells in the restaurant's kitchen. Absolutely disgusting. Does he have any idea what kind of bacteria live on those things?
In an unrelated story, scientists are suggesting that for humanity to survive in the future, we're going to have to start eating insects for our protein. So, Taco Bell is ready.
At Sotheby's auction house, a rare book of Psalms printed in 1640 is expected to bring over $15 million at auction. "Great news," said a guy who is unfamiliar with what Psalms actually say.
Yahoo! announced their search results page is getting a visual makeover. And it now redirects to Google.com
Responding to a dare, a team of Honda engineers have created a lawn mower that can cut grass at speeds of up to 130 miles per hour. It wasn't intended to go that fast, but since it's a Honda, the accelerator kept getting stuck. It's part of Honda's new "Machines of Death" line.
Brazil's Department of Health has discontinued an online ad campaign called "I'm a Happy Prostitute," meant to shed light on health issues related to prostitution, which is legal in Brazil. It has been replaced with "I'm A Miserable Office Worker."
In Arizona, people are up in arms over a 9 foot gargoyle sculpture that prominently features a very visible phallus. Even worse: the gargoyle came from Mexico and stole a job from a hardworking American gargoyle.
Sheriff Arpaio has already arrested the statue and violated its civil rights.
A recent study found that a majority of patients do not access an online video meant to help them prepare for a colonoscopy. Most likely, because it is a video about colonoscopies.
First Lady Michelle Obama shut down a heckler at a speaking engagement this week. When heckled, she responded "hey, I don't come down to where you work and hassle you, buddy. Probably because you don't have a job, since the economy is so weak." It's funnier when she says it.
In Florida, an 84-year old woman won a $370 million Powerball jackpot. "Great," the woman said, "now I can finally afford to retire someplace better than Florida!"
And finally, in Minneapolis, a high school cheerleader was arrested for pimping out a younger student. Administrators at the school became suspicious when they saw what the young woman was doing with the school's spirit stick.
Showing posts with label yahoo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label yahoo. Show all posts
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Monday, June 3, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - June 3, 2013
Yahoo! Mail Classic is shutting down today, so you might want to let your parents know.
Kim Kardashian revealed she is expecting a baby girl, while Kanye said he is still expecting the world to revolve around him. Because he's a big baby.
Angelina Jolie made her first public appearance this weekend since her double-mastectomy. When asked about her former bosom, Jolie said it felt great to get it off her chest. Because it would have probably killed her if she hadn't.
The new film adaptation of The Great Gatsby has proved to be a huge money-maker at the box office. Although there is some speculation that the film will eventually be found dead, floating in a swimming pool filled with its own hubris.
In the UK, the Labour [sic] Party vowed to take on "iron discipline" in making budget cuts. Also, that "iron" from the discipline will be sold off as scrap.
Indiana Pacers' Roy Hibbert was fined $75,000 for using a gay slur and an expletive during a recent press conference. That breaks down to $25,000 for the slur, $25,000 for the expletive, and $25,000 for making it that much harder to root against the Heat.
Alcoholic beverages may soon come with nutritional information labels, because alcohol isn't naturally depressing enough.
President Obama said recently that the economy is "showing signs of strength." He then added "not actual strength, just signs of strength. Wouldn't that be nice, though..."
And finally, the United Nations has found no increase in cancer rates in Japan following the Fukushima disaster. And so far, no new Godzilla sightings. So, keep your fingers crossed!
/end
Kim Kardashian revealed she is expecting a baby girl, while Kanye said he is still expecting the world to revolve around him. Because he's a big baby.
Angelina Jolie made her first public appearance this weekend since her double-mastectomy. When asked about her former bosom, Jolie said it felt great to get it off her chest. Because it would have probably killed her if she hadn't.
The new film adaptation of The Great Gatsby has proved to be a huge money-maker at the box office. Although there is some speculation that the film will eventually be found dead, floating in a swimming pool filled with its own hubris.
In the UK, the Labour [sic] Party vowed to take on "iron discipline" in making budget cuts. Also, that "iron" from the discipline will be sold off as scrap.
Indiana Pacers' Roy Hibbert was fined $75,000 for using a gay slur and an expletive during a recent press conference. That breaks down to $25,000 for the slur, $25,000 for the expletive, and $25,000 for making it that much harder to root against the Heat.
Alcoholic beverages may soon come with nutritional information labels, because alcohol isn't naturally depressing enough.
President Obama said recently that the economy is "showing signs of strength." He then added "not actual strength, just signs of strength. Wouldn't that be nice, though..."
And finally, the United Nations has found no increase in cancer rates in Japan following the Fukushima disaster. And so far, no new Godzilla sightings. So, keep your fingers crossed!
/end
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 30, 2013
Yahoo! announced increased revenue for 2012, largely attributed to their aggressive strategy of looking for coins in the office couch cushions.
In Toledo, a hospital is resuming transplant operations which were suspended when a nurse mistakenly threw out a healthy kidney. Yes, "mistakenly" threw it out, totally not planning to go get it from the trash later and take it home for dinner.
The Spanish olive harvest is down by 80%, meaning that canola oil will be the new standard for oil wrestling this year.
In celebrity news, rumor is that Frank Ocean and Chris Brown got into a fight recently over a parking space and Rihanna is recovering comfortably.
Chris Brown is an asshole.
New Orleans is preparing for the Super Bowl even though some areas of the city have still not recovered from Katrina. Some residents are proud of how far the city has come, others are frustrated at how much is still left ahead of them, but one thing they can all agree on: the city is lucky that it doesn't have to deal with Patriots fans. Those guys suck.
Bill Gates is partnering with the government of Germany on a new initiative to fight hunger. First up: teaching German people how to cook food that isn't awful.
Google Maps is adding secret North Korean prison camps to the Google Earth and Google Map projects. And of course, you can now check in to them on FourSquare.
And finally, rumors were swirling this week that Queen Elizabeth might follow the example of Quenn Beatrix, and abdicate the throne in favor of a younger monarch. Elizabeth put the rumors to rest this week when she had her crown bolted onto her skull. Said the wily old Queen, "come take it if you can, you little bitches."
And that's how we're ending today.
In Toledo, a hospital is resuming transplant operations which were suspended when a nurse mistakenly threw out a healthy kidney. Yes, "mistakenly" threw it out, totally not planning to go get it from the trash later and take it home for dinner.
The Spanish olive harvest is down by 80%, meaning that canola oil will be the new standard for oil wrestling this year.
In celebrity news, rumor is that Frank Ocean and Chris Brown got into a fight recently over a parking space and Rihanna is recovering comfortably.
Chris Brown is an asshole.
New Orleans is preparing for the Super Bowl even though some areas of the city have still not recovered from Katrina. Some residents are proud of how far the city has come, others are frustrated at how much is still left ahead of them, but one thing they can all agree on: the city is lucky that it doesn't have to deal with Patriots fans. Those guys suck.
Bill Gates is partnering with the government of Germany on a new initiative to fight hunger. First up: teaching German people how to cook food that isn't awful.
Google Maps is adding secret North Korean prison camps to the Google Earth and Google Map projects. And of course, you can now check in to them on FourSquare.
And finally, rumors were swirling this week that Queen Elizabeth might follow the example of Quenn Beatrix, and abdicate the throne in favor of a younger monarch. Elizabeth put the rumors to rest this week when she had her crown bolted onto her skull. Said the wily old Queen, "come take it if you can, you little bitches."
And that's how we're ending today.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 1, 2012
Late edition! Still relevant, probably!
Marine biologists reported that a dolphin society, once divided into two groups, is now reunited. Scientists attribute this to a lack of Internet usage among dolphins.
Senate Leader Harry Reid said yesterday that Gov. Mitt Romney hasn't paid taxes in ten years. He offered no proof for the statement, other than saying an unnamed former investor with Bain Capital called and told him. He went on to say that Gov. Romney also has cooties, but declined to provide a source.
Speaking of Harry Reid, Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) apologized for calling Senate Leader Harry Reid "incompetent," explaining that he meant to call him "incontinent." Sorry, that's a crap joke.
Speaking of crap jokes, doctors confirm that cases of Whooping Cough are increasing among children, and vaccines are no longer fully effective against newer strains. Whoopi Goldberg has been cleared of any responsibility.
Yesterday, Yahoo! put out a message confirming that their email and messenger service was down, because otherwise you would have never known.
Italian Prime Minister Mario Monti said he sees "a light at the end of the tunnel" for the eurozone debt crisis. This is actually terrible news, as it most likely means that Italy's Prime Minister is in the midst of a near death experience.
General Motors said yesterday that their advertising is not helping to boost the auto maker's sales. If this trend continues, they may be forced to consider actually making a decent product.
And finally, two of the Internet's largest online poker websites agreed to forfeit $731 million in a settlement that proves they did not know when to fold 'em.
That's it! See you tomorrow, kiddos!
Marine biologists reported that a dolphin society, once divided into two groups, is now reunited. Scientists attribute this to a lack of Internet usage among dolphins.
Senate Leader Harry Reid said yesterday that Gov. Mitt Romney hasn't paid taxes in ten years. He offered no proof for the statement, other than saying an unnamed former investor with Bain Capital called and told him. He went on to say that Gov. Romney also has cooties, but declined to provide a source.
Speaking of Harry Reid, Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) apologized for calling Senate Leader Harry Reid "incompetent," explaining that he meant to call him "incontinent." Sorry, that's a crap joke.
Speaking of crap jokes, doctors confirm that cases of Whooping Cough are increasing among children, and vaccines are no longer fully effective against newer strains. Whoopi Goldberg has been cleared of any responsibility.
Yesterday, Yahoo! put out a message confirming that their email and messenger service was down, because otherwise you would have never known.
Italian Prime Minister Mario Monti said he sees "a light at the end of the tunnel" for the eurozone debt crisis. This is actually terrible news, as it most likely means that Italy's Prime Minister is in the midst of a near death experience.
General Motors said yesterday that their advertising is not helping to boost the auto maker's sales. If this trend continues, they may be forced to consider actually making a decent product.
And finally, two of the Internet's largest online poker websites agreed to forfeit $731 million in a settlement that proves they did not know when to fold 'em.
That's it! See you tomorrow, kiddos!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - May 14, 2012
Happy belated Mothers' Day! And also, happy belated Mother's Day! Whichever spelling you prefer. Now, enjoy these jokes!
Yahoo! CEO Scott Thompson is stepping down after only four months on the job, making his transition the fasted that Yahoo! has ever been able to update anything.
"Hey, it's national Bike To Work Week!" says the sweaty guy in your office.
This weekend, Mitt Romney gave the commencement speech at Pat Robertson's Liberty University in his latest effort win the votes of bigots. Go get 'em, Mitt!
Romney also came under fire last week for alleged bullying he did of a gay student in high school. Romney countered that it's not reasonable to judge him for what he did as a child, unless of course he had been a young black male.
The Oklahoma Republican Party convention descended into violence this week as Ron Paul supporters clashed with Romney's. It got so bad that eventually both sides had to call the police to break it up, which was awkward considering that both sides wanted to cut public employees' salaries.
A janitor at Columbia University just graduated from the university with a bachelor's degree in classics. He's decided to keep his job, though, which makes him the most successful classics graduate in recent memory.
In technology news, Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin renounced his American citizenship so as to avoid U.S. taxes on the impending Facebook IPO because he's a piece of shit.
And finally, Japan powered down all of its nuclear power plants this month after the Fukushima disaster. Consequently, the government is expecting an increase in power shortages but a sharp decrease in Kaiju-related monster rampages. It's all about trade-offs.
That's all! Come by tomorrow for more biased jokes about stuff that's happening now. Bye!
Yahoo! CEO Scott Thompson is stepping down after only four months on the job, making his transition the fasted that Yahoo! has ever been able to update anything.
"Hey, it's national Bike To Work Week!" says the sweaty guy in your office.
This weekend, Mitt Romney gave the commencement speech at Pat Robertson's Liberty University in his latest effort win the votes of bigots. Go get 'em, Mitt!
Romney also came under fire last week for alleged bullying he did of a gay student in high school. Romney countered that it's not reasonable to judge him for what he did as a child, unless of course he had been a young black male.
The Oklahoma Republican Party convention descended into violence this week as Ron Paul supporters clashed with Romney's. It got so bad that eventually both sides had to call the police to break it up, which was awkward considering that both sides wanted to cut public employees' salaries.
A janitor at Columbia University just graduated from the university with a bachelor's degree in classics. He's decided to keep his job, though, which makes him the most successful classics graduate in recent memory.
In technology news, Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin renounced his American citizenship so as to avoid U.S. taxes on the impending Facebook IPO because he's a piece of shit.
And finally, Japan powered down all of its nuclear power plants this month after the Fukushima disaster. Consequently, the government is expecting an increase in power shortages but a sharp decrease in Kaiju-related monster rampages. It's all about trade-offs.
That's all! Come by tomorrow for more biased jokes about stuff that's happening now. Bye!
Monday, May 7, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 8, 2012
I have no banter today. Absolutely none. I'm too busy thinking about The Avengers. You've seen it, right? You've gotta see it. Right after you read these jokes.
This week, Vladimir Putin was sworn in for his third term as Russia's President, just in time for the next James Bond movie.
Yemeni and American intelligence agents foiled another airline underwear bomb plot yesterday with the help of special consultants Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.
Beef Products Inc., makers of the "pink slime" beef filler, are closing three plants and will punch anyone in the mouth who says "there's no such thing as bad publicity."
Medical researchers believe that a compound in curry may fight bowel cancer. By blasting the cancer right out your ass.
In South Korea, customs agents are cracking down on smugglers bringing in capsules of powdered human flesh from China. They're just trying to protect the domestic market.
Bad news for Disney, the French theme park, Euro Disney, is reporting high losses due to higher wage costs, renovations, and the overall suckiness of Euro Disney.
The CEO of Yahoo! has been accused of fabricating part of his resume, because he apparently wanted a job at Yahoo!
And finally, Governor Paul LePage of Maine said yesterday that unemployed people need to "get up off the couch" and get a job. Also, they need to get up because that couch is being repossessed by the bank.
And that is all. See you tomorrow!
This week, Vladimir Putin was sworn in for his third term as Russia's President, just in time for the next James Bond movie.
Yemeni and American intelligence agents foiled another airline underwear bomb plot yesterday with the help of special consultants Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.
Beef Products Inc., makers of the "pink slime" beef filler, are closing three plants and will punch anyone in the mouth who says "there's no such thing as bad publicity."
Medical researchers believe that a compound in curry may fight bowel cancer. By blasting the cancer right out your ass.
In South Korea, customs agents are cracking down on smugglers bringing in capsules of powdered human flesh from China. They're just trying to protect the domestic market.
Bad news for Disney, the French theme park, Euro Disney, is reporting high losses due to higher wage costs, renovations, and the overall suckiness of Euro Disney.
The CEO of Yahoo! has been accused of fabricating part of his resume, because he apparently wanted a job at Yahoo!
And finally, Governor Paul LePage of Maine said yesterday that unemployed people need to "get up off the couch" and get a job. Also, they need to get up because that couch is being repossessed by the bank.
And that is all. See you tomorrow!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - April 5, 2012
Hip, hip, hooray for Thursday, everyone! Two nights ago, I roasted vegetables for for the first time. Beets, cauliflower and brussel sprouts. More than anything else so far, that made me feel like an adult. To counteract it, I'm eating nothing but Pop Rocks and Froot Loops for the rest of the week. Take that, maturity! Speaking of immature...
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed a law banning medical marijuana on college campuses, because that's a bigger threat than concealed weapons. And in her defense, hacky-sack and drum circles can get pretty dangerous.
Speaking of dangerous, former Chicago police officer and off-duty railroad detective Howard Morgan is facing 80 years in prison for the attempted murder of four police officers who shot him 28 times during a routine traffic stop. Yeah, you read that right. He got shot 28 times, and is somehow facing charges for attempted murder. Either he's the world's most incompetent murderer, or he's black. Oh, he is black? Right...
Paramount just reached a deal with Youtube to add 500 feature films to the online video site's rental program. And FYI, you will get charged an extra dollar if you forget to hit "Refresh" when you're done viewing. In a related story, the rest of Paramount's films are still available for pirating.
In other film news, Thailand banned a film adaptation of Macbeth recently, on the grounds that it could cause political disunity and that it didn't include enough underage prostitution. "Thailand: The Kingdom of Sane Priorities."
In Russia, an office supply company started selling notebooks with Josef Stalin's picture on the front. Glad to see Stalin's finally made it to the free market!
Two pandas at the Edinbugh Zoo have been put together again to try to mate, after five unsuccessful attempts by zookeepers. Probably the male panda just needs a new wingman.
ALTERNATE PUNCHLINES:
Yahoo! announced yesterday that they will be cutting 2,000 jobs. Or, as they call it, "clearing out the inbox."
And finally, the FDA confiscated another huge shipment of counterfeit drugs. This time, it was fake Avastin, the popular cancer treatment. Patients grew suspicious when they saw the pill bottles:
That's it! Hope you have a great day, my friends!
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed a law banning medical marijuana on college campuses, because that's a bigger threat than concealed weapons. And in her defense, hacky-sack and drum circles can get pretty dangerous.
Speaking of dangerous, former Chicago police officer and off-duty railroad detective Howard Morgan is facing 80 years in prison for the attempted murder of four police officers who shot him 28 times during a routine traffic stop. Yeah, you read that right. He got shot 28 times, and is somehow facing charges for attempted murder. Either he's the world's most incompetent murderer, or he's black. Oh, he is black? Right...
Paramount just reached a deal with Youtube to add 500 feature films to the online video site's rental program. And FYI, you will get charged an extra dollar if you forget to hit "Refresh" when you're done viewing. In a related story, the rest of Paramount's films are still available for pirating.
In other film news, Thailand banned a film adaptation of Macbeth recently, on the grounds that it could cause political disunity and that it didn't include enough underage prostitution. "Thailand: The Kingdom of Sane Priorities."
In Russia, an office supply company started selling notebooks with Josef Stalin's picture on the front. Glad to see Stalin's finally made it to the free market!
Two pandas at the Edinbugh Zoo have been put together again to try to mate, after five unsuccessful attempts by zookeepers. Probably the male panda just needs a new wingman.
ALTERNATE PUNCHLINES:
- Looks like pandas get headaches too!
- Maybe she should try hitting on his best panda friend.
- Does Frederick's of Hollywood have a bamboo line?
- Have they tried getting the pandas drunk? It is Scotland, after all.
Yahoo! announced yesterday that they will be cutting 2,000 jobs. Or, as they call it, "clearing out the inbox."
And finally, the FDA confiscated another huge shipment of counterfeit drugs. This time, it was fake Avastin, the popular cancer treatment. Patients grew suspicious when they saw the pill bottles:
That's it! Hope you have a great day, my friends!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 13, 2012
Nothing you can do about it now. It's Tuesday. And it's gonna be for a while. Hopefully this will help you pass the time.
Last night the season finale of The Bachelor aired, finally revealing the show's winner: everyone who watched something else.
Mitt Romney said this weekend that he's friends with the owners of the New York Jets and the Miami Dolphins, ignoring advice from his handlers to only associate with winners...
Speaking of winners, Yahoo! is suing Facebook for patent infringement. Apparently they caught wind of Facebook's new Stagnate and Become Irrelevant Division.
In an interview with Elle UK, Jon Hamm called Kim Kardashian stupid. Oh, I see what's going on. Jon likes her, but he's afraid to tell her... Classic.
In a related story: Why the hell is Jon Hamm going all Joaquin Phoenix in the pages of Elle UK? That sort of biting social commentary is really more at home in Norwegian Cosmo Girl.
Federal courts blocked or overturned new GOP-sponsored voter ID laws in Texas and Wisconsin. Lawmakers have proposed a new system, though. In stead of having to present an ID, brown people will simply have to guess a number between 1 and 1000.
And finally, a group of young Amish men were arrested for drunken buggy racing this weekend when one of them crashed his buggy into a police car.
...and this calls for another, PUNCHLINE SWARM! GO!!!!!
...This was actually a scene from the upcoming film, The Fast and the Forgiving.
... I just wonder, what was the horse drinking?
Last night the season finale of The Bachelor aired, finally revealing the show's winner: everyone who watched something else.
Mitt Romney said this weekend that he's friends with the owners of the New York Jets and the Miami Dolphins, ignoring advice from his handlers to only associate with winners...
Speaking of winners, Yahoo! is suing Facebook for patent infringement. Apparently they caught wind of Facebook's new Stagnate and Become Irrelevant Division.
In an interview with Elle UK, Jon Hamm called Kim Kardashian stupid. Oh, I see what's going on. Jon likes her, but he's afraid to tell her... Classic.
In a related story: Why the hell is Jon Hamm going all Joaquin Phoenix in the pages of Elle UK? That sort of biting social commentary is really more at home in Norwegian Cosmo Girl.
Federal courts blocked or overturned new GOP-sponsored voter ID laws in Texas and Wisconsin. Lawmakers have proposed a new system, though. In stead of having to present an ID, brown people will simply have to guess a number between 1 and 1000.
And finally, a group of young Amish men were arrested for drunken buggy racing this weekend when one of them crashed his buggy into a police car.
...and this calls for another, PUNCHLINE SWARM! GO!!!!!
...This was actually a scene from the upcoming film, The Fast and the Forgiving.
... I just wonder, what was the horse drinking?
... They were on their way back from a night of carousing and debauchery at the local ankle bar.
... Too bad for them there was a Witness to the crash.
... Clearly, somewhere, someone just lost a bet.
... The man is part of a new road safety campaign. "Buckling up isn't just for hats"
... At least his insurance won't go up. Because the Amish can't buy insurance. Because it's against their religion.
... Still way more interesting than NASCAR.
Okay, that's it for today. Let's try again tomorrow! Till then, have a great day.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 1, 2012
Happy Thursday to all you Gregorian calendar-aficionados! Let's see what's funny.
Lindsay Lohan is going back to host Saturday Night Live for the fourth time this Saturday, because nothing goes better with new-found sobriety than a week at SNL. Sorry to be a downer.
And sad news out of the music world, as we will have to stage another Grammy Awards ceremony for Davey Jones.
In clothing news, the Navajo Nation is suing Urban Outfitters for misappropriating their tribal identity for a use in a clothing line. No word yet if similar legal action is forthcoming from the Grand Duchy of Douche.
A man seized at the Cairo airport turned out to not, I repeat NOT, be al Qaeda leader Saif al-Adel. However, the man is now questioning the wisdom of a career as a Saif al-Adel impersonator.
This week, Yahoo! reported that Reese Witherspoon had a serious talk with her children about recognizing and preventing domestic violence. She then apparently had a serious talk with them about issuing press releases to Yahoo! to let the world know about every damn thing you do.
Fifteen Academy Awards were auctioned off for $3million this week. See, they're not worthless after all.
In Methuen, Massachusetts, school officials apologized this week for a mis-print in the school cafeteria which advertised "KKK Chicken Tenders." They quickly fixed the error and apologized to the community. However, they were oddly silent about the "Holocaust Never Happened Milkshake."
And, finally, scientists have succeeded in artificially growing human brain cells from families with a history of mental illness in order to study their abnormalities. There, kids. That's how you write a SyFy movie. Now we just need to add a shark...
Okay, that's it! Keep watching the skies!
Lindsay Lohan is going back to host Saturday Night Live for the fourth time this Saturday, because nothing goes better with new-found sobriety than a week at SNL. Sorry to be a downer.
And sad news out of the music world, as we will have to stage another Grammy Awards ceremony for Davey Jones.
In clothing news, the Navajo Nation is suing Urban Outfitters for misappropriating their tribal identity for a use in a clothing line. No word yet if similar legal action is forthcoming from the Grand Duchy of Douche.
A man seized at the Cairo airport turned out to not, I repeat NOT, be al Qaeda leader Saif al-Adel. However, the man is now questioning the wisdom of a career as a Saif al-Adel impersonator.
This week, Yahoo! reported that Reese Witherspoon had a serious talk with her children about recognizing and preventing domestic violence. She then apparently had a serious talk with them about issuing press releases to Yahoo! to let the world know about every damn thing you do.
Fifteen Academy Awards were auctioned off for $3million this week. See, they're not worthless after all.
In Methuen, Massachusetts, school officials apologized this week for a mis-print in the school cafeteria which advertised "KKK Chicken Tenders." They quickly fixed the error and apologized to the community. However, they were oddly silent about the "Holocaust Never Happened Milkshake."
And, finally, scientists have succeeded in artificially growing human brain cells from families with a history of mental illness in order to study their abnormalities. There, kids. That's how you write a SyFy movie. Now we just need to add a shark...
Okay, that's it! Keep watching the skies!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 18, 2012
It's Wednesday, the day named for weddings. Which now never occur on Wednesdays, making it the most ironic day of the week. Take that, Brooklynsday. You don't believe me? Check it on Wikipedia. Oh, you can't? What a shame. You'll just have to believe me. And read these jokes.
Mitt Romney said yesterday that he pays about a 15% tax rate, or as he calls it, "A Ron Paul." Because Ron Paul is polling at 15% right now. And Mitt Romney's taxes are a joke. Just not a good one.
Speaking of not a good one, Paris Hilton has a second album coming out this year. That's two albums.
Former Playboy Playmate Kendra Wilkinson just endorsed a new nut-based diet. She says it is way better than old-man-penis diet.
Yahoo! co-founder Jerry Yang is resigning, looking forward to getting a Gmail account.
In New Jersey, a woman gave birth to child on the PATH train. Congratulations, kid. Everything in your life will be a step up from here.
Kim Jong Un's older half-brother, Kim Jong Nam, said this week that the new North Korean regime won't last long. "Four, five decades, tops."
In Nepal, a police department is under investigation for running a butcher shop out of their precinct. Do I smell a wacky sitcom? No, that's just cat.
And finally, Tim Tebow will be starting next season for the Denver Broncos. Too bad he's not praying for a cure for cancer.
Fin. Until tomorrow! And until then, have a great f#&@ing day!
Mitt Romney said yesterday that he pays about a 15% tax rate, or as he calls it, "A Ron Paul." Because Ron Paul is polling at 15% right now. And Mitt Romney's taxes are a joke. Just not a good one.
Speaking of not a good one, Paris Hilton has a second album coming out this year. That's two albums.
Former Playboy Playmate Kendra Wilkinson just endorsed a new nut-based diet. She says it is way better than old-man-penis diet.
Yahoo! co-founder Jerry Yang is resigning, looking forward to getting a Gmail account.
In New Jersey, a woman gave birth to child on the PATH train. Congratulations, kid. Everything in your life will be a step up from here.
Kim Jong Un's older half-brother, Kim Jong Nam, said this week that the new North Korean regime won't last long. "Four, five decades, tops."
In Nepal, a police department is under investigation for running a butcher shop out of their precinct. Do I smell a wacky sitcom? No, that's just cat.
And finally, Tim Tebow will be starting next season for the Denver Broncos. Too bad he's not praying for a cure for cancer.
Fin. Until tomorrow! And until then, have a great f#&@ing day!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - October 27, 2011
Hi, everybody! Are you ready for Thursday? I damn sure am. Each Thursday brings us one week closer to the eventual cancellation of Whitney, so let's keep plugging along. I can't wait until I'm successful enough to have an awful show, too. Then finally me and Denis Leary will have something in common. Okay, enough snark. What is this, the Internet? Alright, let's see what's funny today that we won't give a crap about on Monday.
Bernie Madoff's wife revealed yesterday that after his arrest for stealing billions of dollars in a ponzi scheme, she and her husband tried to commit suicide. Well, thanks Bernie. Your association with it has finally removed any chance that anyone would ever think suicide is cool.
Speaking of sad times, reports are coming out about catastrophic morale problems among employees at Yahoo.com. The problem is worst for those employees who realize that they still work for Yahoo.com.
In entertainment news, Warner Bros will not be licensing its movies to Blockbuster for rental. Instead they will be opting for a plan where audiences are actually able to see the films.
A Federal judge in San Francisco just dismissed a class action suit against Yelp.com. Well, I know one judge who's yelp.com page is going to get some seriously great reviews.
In more legal news, family members of slain sociopath Moamar Gaddhafi (sp?) are planning to sue NATO for causing his recent death. They are going to be disappointed when they find out they don't control the courts any more. Also, Conrad Murray's legal team will be representing them.
Yesterday President Obama announced a plan to offer relief to those struggling with student loan debt. It's all part of his "hey, young people: remember when you used to like me? Come on, wouldn't it be fun to vote for me again?" campaign.
A study of population growth found that the population of the United Kingdom could reach 70m by 2027. Look out developing world, sounds like the Queen is about to get all colony-happy again.
And lastly, the Chinese government will be instituting new rules to curbing "overly entertaining" television programming from and inspired by the west, as the central government fears the population is becoming too devoted and preoccupied with entertaining television shows. NBC China will remain unchanged.
That's all! Spencer brings you jokes tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, follow me on twitter @SoonerSeth, keep reading the Late Night Morning and may your days always be great!
Bernie Madoff's wife revealed yesterday that after his arrest for stealing billions of dollars in a ponzi scheme, she and her husband tried to commit suicide. Well, thanks Bernie. Your association with it has finally removed any chance that anyone would ever think suicide is cool.
Speaking of sad times, reports are coming out about catastrophic morale problems among employees at Yahoo.com. The problem is worst for those employees who realize that they still work for Yahoo.com.
In entertainment news, Warner Bros will not be licensing its movies to Blockbuster for rental. Instead they will be opting for a plan where audiences are actually able to see the films.
A Federal judge in San Francisco just dismissed a class action suit against Yelp.com. Well, I know one judge who's yelp.com page is going to get some seriously great reviews.
In more legal news, family members of slain sociopath Moamar Gaddhafi (sp?) are planning to sue NATO for causing his recent death. They are going to be disappointed when they find out they don't control the courts any more. Also, Conrad Murray's legal team will be representing them.
Yesterday President Obama announced a plan to offer relief to those struggling with student loan debt. It's all part of his "hey, young people: remember when you used to like me? Come on, wouldn't it be fun to vote for me again?" campaign.
A study of population growth found that the population of the United Kingdom could reach 70m by 2027. Look out developing world, sounds like the Queen is about to get all colony-happy again.
And lastly, the Chinese government will be instituting new rules to curbing "overly entertaining" television programming from and inspired by the west, as the central government fears the population is becoming too devoted and preoccupied with entertaining television shows. NBC China will remain unchanged.
That's all! Spencer brings you jokes tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, follow me on twitter @SoonerSeth, keep reading the Late Night Morning and may your days always be great!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 21, 2011
Hey, thanks Spencer for filling in yesterday. I heard a rumor about the perfect under... never mind. Best not to dwell on what might have been. But now I'm back, and this time, it's personal. Well, actually, it's pretty impersonal when you think about it. I mean, I'm not really telling you anything about myself. It's all pretty generic. Anybody could be telling these jokes. They would just have to pay me for them, and for others that I would surely write day after day. Hint. HINT. I assume that the 26 people reading this blog are all in the late night comedy writing business. Right? Anyway...
Rumors are circulating about a "major" redesign of Facebook in the near future because, according to a spokesman, "we haven't pissed users off in the last few weeks."
"Popular" web mail service Yahoo.com apologized yesterday for sending an unknown number of emails about an upcoming Wall Street protest straight into users' SPAM folders. In Yahoo's defense, it was called the "Canad1an Pharmacy HUGE BOOBS buy g0ld protest."
U.S. attorneys alleged yesterday that Full Tilt Poker, a gambling website, was misusing money wagered by players. This startling news was revealed by the special Obvious Crimes Unit.
A London man stabbed for defending a pregnant woman and an elderly person from a youth gang said he had "no regrets" and would "do it again," before adding "well, everything but the 'getting stabbed' part. I'd probably dodge or something if I did it again."
Netflix announced late Sunday that they would be splitting their online streaming service and DVD rental service into two companies as part of their "earn less money" strategy. Did they just get bought by NBC?
Google opened the new Google+ service to all users this week, so now everyone can sign up for an account and then do absolutely nothing with it.
Did you watch the Charlie Sheen roast on Comedy Central Monday night? I decided to watch homeless guys fight over some stale bread because it made me feel slightly less horrible. Seriously, roasting Charlie Sheen right now is like standing by a cancer patient's bed and crackin' jokes while they refuse chemo. I heard Tyson was good, though.
And lastly, a study found that films depicting people smoking make young people more likely to smoke. Hollywood, are you listening? You know what you have to do: start making movies about people who pull their pants all the way up, listen to decent music and don't watch Jersey Shore. Use your power wisely!
That's all for now. Hope your Wednesday is glorious. See you tomorrow!
Rumors are circulating about a "major" redesign of Facebook in the near future because, according to a spokesman, "we haven't pissed users off in the last few weeks."
"Popular" web mail service Yahoo.com apologized yesterday for sending an unknown number of emails about an upcoming Wall Street protest straight into users' SPAM folders. In Yahoo's defense, it was called the "Canad1an Pharmacy HUGE BOOBS buy g0ld protest."
U.S. attorneys alleged yesterday that Full Tilt Poker, a gambling website, was misusing money wagered by players. This startling news was revealed by the special Obvious Crimes Unit.
A London man stabbed for defending a pregnant woman and an elderly person from a youth gang said he had "no regrets" and would "do it again," before adding "well, everything but the 'getting stabbed' part. I'd probably dodge or something if I did it again."
Netflix announced late Sunday that they would be splitting their online streaming service and DVD rental service into two companies as part of their "earn less money" strategy. Did they just get bought by NBC?
Google opened the new Google+ service to all users this week, so now everyone can sign up for an account and then do absolutely nothing with it.
Did you watch the Charlie Sheen roast on Comedy Central Monday night? I decided to watch homeless guys fight over some stale bread because it made me feel slightly less horrible. Seriously, roasting Charlie Sheen right now is like standing by a cancer patient's bed and crackin' jokes while they refuse chemo. I heard Tyson was good, though.
And lastly, a study found that films depicting people smoking make young people more likely to smoke. Hollywood, are you listening? You know what you have to do: start making movies about people who pull their pants all the way up, listen to decent music and don't watch Jersey Shore. Use your power wisely!
That's all for now. Hope your Wednesday is glorious. See you tomorrow!
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