Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 26, 2012

Good day, friends. Let's make light of it all.

Korean rapper and dance-savant PSY has pledged that he will go topless if his hit "Gangnam Style" reaches the Number One spot on Billboard's Top Twenty. In response, no one is buying his album.

No one wants to see that.

Speaking of nudity, a local newspaper in the Solomon Islands published topless photos of Kate Middleton and may now close because of it, and not because print is a dying medium.

The Japanese Navy turned back Taiwanese boats in Japanese waters this week with water cannons. The cannons were especially effective, as the boats' crew were all cats.

There you go.

In other cat news, a cat is running for mayor of the Canadian city of Halifax. He's doing really well in the polls, thanks to his wildly popular platform of "meow." But since he's Canadian, it's more like "meow, eh."

That may be the worst joke I've ever written. Or the best...

Speaking of worst and best, Myspace is rebooting itself, again. This time they are focusing on their ideal, core audience: people who were in comas from 2005 until now.

In other tech news, Google said that it "hasn't done anything with maps" for Apple's new iOS6. Strangely, neither has Apple.

In sports news, the NFL referee lockout continues, despite high profile failures by the replacement refs. In a related story, boxing is now considered respectable and organized.

And finally, a medical report just out found that breathing European air will shorten your life. But it seems longer if you measure it in metric units.

THANK YOU GOOD NIGHT!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 21, 2012

Good (time of day) my (level of familiarity) (relationship)! How are you? After these jokes, maybe it will be marginally better. But hey, what else have you got to do for the next three minutes?

On the occasion of her Diamond Jubilee, Queen Elizabeth rededicated herself to serving the UK. And Satan.

Profits are down for high end jeweler Tiffany and Company. But don't worry, profits will be back up just as soon as Gingrich gets out of the campaign. Because he won't be in a position to ruin the economy anymore.

In a new special feature, Gmail will now tell you why a message was classified as "junk" or "spam." It won't, however, tell you why she'll never write back and/or never love you.

A woman in Elkhart, Indiana, claims to have found a feather in her Chicken McNugget. A spokesman for the company said, "impossible! Those things have never been near a bird."

New trend in business, as job applicants are being asked for their Facebook passwords. MySpace accounts are unaffected.

In the UK, Adele's 21 has overtaken Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon as the number one selling album in UK history. Because kids in the UK no longer smoke pot.

Americans are up in arms over the recent enhanced screening of a wheelchair-bound toddler by the TSA. Unfortunate. They did, however, find two knives and a can of mace.

And finally, Rick Santorum's campaign has sold over $300,000 worth of sweater vests to donors. Good news, everyone! It just got easier to spot assholes!

That's it! Later, friends!

Thursday Morning Monologue - February 16, 2012

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's happenin'? It's Thursday already. Seems like just yesterday it was Wednesday. Oh, we were so innocent then. Not so innocent: these jokes.

Enjoy them!

In North Carolina, a food inspector at a local school confiscated a preschooler's homemade lunch. Although in his defense, the kid did tell him it was chicken-fried boogers.

Advisors for President Obama say his upcoming speeches on the economy will highlight what he calls "insourcing" by employers. I think that means he'll be talking about Jeremy Lin.

Speaking of Lin, the new basketball phenom said he's enjoyed playing for the New York Knicks, but looks forward to someday playing for an NBA team.

A so-called boy genius just published a memoir about his time spent in college as an eight year old. Some genius. He goes to college 13 years before he can drink.

Sony music apologized yesterday for hiking the price of Whitney Houston albums following the star's death. A spokesman for the company said "we meant no disrespect to Ms. Houston or her fans. We're just trying to exploit both as much as we possibly can for financial gain."

West Hollywood musician Craig Phillips was honored by the American Guild of Organists this week. I've been assured that this isn't an innuendo.

Myspace touted a gain of one million new users last month, in a clear indication that Myspace is now retro. Please feel free to enjoy it with all the irony you can muster.

And finally, the lineup for this year's Bonnaroo music festival was released this week, in case you need something to talk about with the a-holes at Starbucks.

That's it! Have a great Thursday! And if you haven't already, and you're in the Oklahoma City area, come see me, BradChad Porter and Marc Maron at the City Arts Center this Saturday night! It's gonna be super rad.

Till then, have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 11, 2011

Welcome back to the 21st Century! Did you all have fun with your hilarious history trip yesterday? I sure hope so! Since I can write those things in advance, it means I can take a night off, so you'll be visiting another hilarious year next week, too. Twenty-three-skidoo! Okay, here's some "current" jokes for you.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's oldest daughter (that we know of) said in an interview this week that she is "way closer" to Maria. I'm sure Arnold was bummed out, until he realized that he can just have another daughter. In fact, he probably already has.

On Tuesday, an ebook about Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was released, unlike Assange who is in jail! Wait, what? He got out. You'd think someone would have mentioned it. Oh, and blah blah blah hackers brought down Amazon.com... with book orders!

As part of an effort to stop prisoners from issuing online threats while in prison, Facebook is now deleting prisoner profiles. But they can keep their Myspace page.

Bad news from science. It seems that a strain of European mice has developed a resistance to most poisons. The so-called super mice are vulnerable to only two things: mouse Kryptonite, and shoes.

In The Day The Music Died news, Wal-Mart is closing its MP3 store. This is terrible news for all the old guys who worked as greeters for the web store. Maybe Napster will hire them. Because it's old, too.

The hacker group "Anonymous" issued a threat to Facebook, saying they'll bring the site down on November 5th, or as I call it "the day I'll have to actually do my job."

You guys remember China? Chinese artist, dissident and critic Ai Weiwei, recently released from Chinese prison for being ornery, has resumed his vocal criticism of the Chinese government, because he apparently left his lucky toothbrush back in the prison.

And lastly, LeAnn Rimes had her wedding vows turned into a temporary tattoo last week. It's a fitting tribute to the institution of marriage, and how temporary it becomes once LeAnn Rimes gets involved.

That's it! Love it or leave it, people. Feel free to nominate your favorite year for the next Way Back Wednesday. Spencer is in tomorrow, and I'll be back Monday. So rejoice!

And have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 9, 2011

Did anyone else think that the National Anthem was handled with greater care and respect at the Puppy Bowl than the Super Bowl? Well, how about some jokes?

Still reeling from a slew of negative reviews from theater critics, the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark suffered another setback this week when it was featured in a new Groupon commercial. That's a tough break, which is also what happened to the limbs of several actors in the production.

In China, fireworks set off to celebrate Chinese New Year caused 194 fires in Beijing. No fatalities were reported, however, which is largely due to the repeated fire safety drills and evacuations encouraged by the Chinese government. Yes, that's a Chinese Fire Drill joke.

A recent study found that Facebook is replacing Craigslist as the go-to website for prostitution, which is good news for people who "LIKE" paying for sex with strangers.

In other Facebook news, Mark Zuckerberg is being stalked on Facebook. At Myspace headquarters, Tom said "boy, I sure am glad I don't have that problem. Zucks to be you! That's funny, right," he asked to an empty room.

In Syria, the government lifted a recent ban on Facebook, which is great news for Syrian prostitutes. The previous ban, which also covered YouTube, had been in place for three years, meaning that Syrians have never seen Auto-Tune The News. We really do take our freedoms for granted.

In celebrity news, Pancho Villa's finger is for sale in Texas pawn shop. The owner of the pawn shop hopes that the notoriety from the finger will stir up business, because if there's one thing you want in your store, it's a bunch of people who are interested in buying old human body parts.

In old musician news, Eddie Van Halen donated his guitar to the Smithsonian. It will be on display alongside his original hip and David Lee Roth's dignity.

Lastly, the Mayor of Detroit nixed plans for a lifesize statue of RoboCop, saying that it would reinforce the idea that Detroit is violent and dangerous. Also reinforcing that idea: rampant violence in Detroit.

Alright, that's it. Thank your for your cooperation.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 12, 2011

Alright, let's get to it.

Myspace announced today that they will be letting go half of their workforce. The announcement initially went out as a Myspace message, but no one read it, as they assumed it was just another invitation to see a concert from a band they used to like five years ago. It did, however, eventually turn up in Rupert Murdoch's Twitter feed.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 4, 2011

Alright, let's get to it.

Kim Kardashian performed her new single at a New Years Eve party, ensuring that whatever else happens in music throughout the course of the year, it will be an improvement.