It's August. And this is, officially, a cruel, cruel summer. But I'm keeping my fingers crossed for an ambivalent fall. Alright, enough funny business. Here are some jokes.
Late last night, Congress reached a tentative agreement on raising the debt ceiling after months of negotiation. Key support came in from the Tea Party Caucus after they managed to build in some previsions to the legislation that will still allow them to destroy the global economy.
Speaking of screwed, Hugh Hefner said this week that he has sex "once a week," which means that he does not understand what's happening when he goes to see the doctor.
Speaking of Hugh Hefner, he has apparently made peace with his ex-fiancee, Crystal Harris. Hefner said of the fight, "I can't even remember why we were fighting. Could someone remind me...?"
In other news, former Egyptian tyrant Hosni Mubarak's trial is going to be televised. It's going to be the biggest thing on Egyptian television since all the stuff Mubarak did that caused the trial in the first place.
Miley Cyrus got a tattoo in support of gay marriage, then tweeted about it, because apparently people were taking the issue too seriously.
Tasteful businessman Larry Flynt is offering $500,000 to Casey Anthony to appear nude in Hustler magazine, following her recent acquittal. There's been no word about a similar offer to Hosni Mubarak.
In sports news, NFL quarterback Plaxico Buress signed with the Jets on the condition that he stop shooting himself.
And finally, a recent study found that dolphins have a sixth sense that allows them to detect electrical fields in the water. Unfortunately, none of those six senses are much use in detecting nets.
Okay, that's all for now. August is off to a great start, right everyone? Let's keep it going tomorrow!
Till then, have a great day!
Showing posts with label hugh hefner. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hugh hefner. Show all posts
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - July 28, 2011
Welcome to Thursday! Let's get this over with.
The United Kingdom this week formally announced they would be recognizing a group of Libyan rebels as the legitimate government of Libya. Good news, everyone! Whenever the U.K. weighs in on governmental legitimacy in Africa, things always turn out great. So, judging by past successes, this whole Libyan mess should be resolved in just about... never.
In sadder news, unless you're Libyan, the historic "Ben Franklin" Post Office in Philadelphia may be closing due to budget cuts. Fortunately, residents will still be serviced by Ye Olde Fede Exprefse.
Speaking of historic relics, 3,000 Roman coins were found in British field near the site of an ancient Roman laundromat.
A family in North Carolina made news this week when they won the lottery for the third time. When asked if they felt they were exceptionally lucky, they said, "no, we still live in North Carolina."
In medical news, a man recently attempted to perform hernia surgery on himself using only a butter knife. See, this is what happens when Bear Grylls gets bored. And where's Obama-care when it comes to the clinically insane, isolated hernia-sufferer? Hmm? Where's his personal mandate? Seriously, though, society has failed this guy on at least three levels, as far as I can tell. Four, if you count blog-mockery.
In international political news, a group of female U.S. Senators are lobbying the Saudi Arabian government to lift the country's ban on female drivers. 'Cause if there's one thing reactionary, hard-line Islamic fundamentalists love, it's a bunch of American women telling them their business. Just like a woman. Am I right, fellas?
And lastly, a public service announcement. They made a movie based on the board game Battleship®. So remember, there's no longer such a thing as a stupid idea.
Okay, yeah, that's all you get from me this week. Come back tomorrow for a smorgasbord of jokes from Spencer, and I'll see you again on Monday.
Till then, as always, have a great day!
The United Kingdom this week formally announced they would be recognizing a group of Libyan rebels as the legitimate government of Libya. Good news, everyone! Whenever the U.K. weighs in on governmental legitimacy in Africa, things always turn out great. So, judging by past successes, this whole Libyan mess should be resolved in just about... never.
In sadder news, unless you're Libyan, the historic "Ben Franklin" Post Office in Philadelphia may be closing due to budget cuts. Fortunately, residents will still be serviced by Ye Olde Fede Exprefse.
Speaking of historic relics, 3,000 Roman coins were found in British field near the site of an ancient Roman laundromat.
Speaking of historic relics, Hugh Hefner's ex, Crystal Harris, went on the radio this week and said that her time with Hef was mostly sexless. She claimed that they'd only done it once, very quickly, and that she'd never seen him naked. Sounds like Hef's been cribbing from my college playbook!
A family in North Carolina made news this week when they won the lottery for the third time. When asked if they felt they were exceptionally lucky, they said, "no, we still live in North Carolina."
In medical news, a man recently attempted to perform hernia surgery on himself using only a butter knife. See, this is what happens when Bear Grylls gets bored. And where's Obama-care when it comes to the clinically insane, isolated hernia-sufferer? Hmm? Where's his personal mandate? Seriously, though, society has failed this guy on at least three levels, as far as I can tell. Four, if you count blog-mockery.
In international political news, a group of female U.S. Senators are lobbying the Saudi Arabian government to lift the country's ban on female drivers. 'Cause if there's one thing reactionary, hard-line Islamic fundamentalists love, it's a bunch of American women telling them their business. Just like a woman. Am I right, fellas?
And lastly, a public service announcement. They made a movie based on the board game Battleship®. So remember, there's no longer such a thing as a stupid idea.
Okay, yeah, that's all you get from me this week. Come back tomorrow for a smorgasbord of jokes from Spencer, and I'll see you again on Monday.
Till then, as always, have a great day!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 15, 2011
What's got two thumbs and eight jokes? I don't know. READ THE BLOG!
I saw a headline today that said more adults are being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. That's about as far as I got in the story. Yeah, that's a crappy joke. So what?
In Japan, the government is giving school children devices to measure radiation. The devices are, by far, the creepiest thing that Hello Kitty! has ever made.
A report recently revealed that the majority of the guns used by Mexican drug cartels come from the United States. Finally, we're exporting something again!
Speaking of international relations, Defense Secretary Robert Gates urged patience in dealing with Pakistan. And by "patience" he meant "lots and lots of Hellfire missile strikes."
After "A Gay Girl In Damascus" turned out to be a 40 year old guy, yet another lesbian blogger called "Lez Get Real" turned out to be another man, confirming once again that every lesbian on the Internet is actually a middle-aged white dude.
Pandora, the popular Internet radio service, had their Initial Public Offering this week, and stock prices shot up to $16/share, proving there is money to be made off of people too lazy to steal their own music.
In California a man was sentenced to 30 years for stockpiling explosives in his home. In a related story, A&E just started filming the most exciting episode of Hoarders to date.
And last, sad news for Hugh Hefner, as his young fiancee Crystal Harris broke off their engagement just days before the wedding. I guess that means he's officially out of roofies.
Okay, that's that and I mean it. Let's make the rest of the day great, what do you say? Tell your friends, and come back tomorrow!
I saw a headline today that said more adults are being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. That's about as far as I got in the story. Yeah, that's a crappy joke. So what?
In Japan, the government is giving school children devices to measure radiation. The devices are, by far, the creepiest thing that Hello Kitty! has ever made.
A report recently revealed that the majority of the guns used by Mexican drug cartels come from the United States. Finally, we're exporting something again!
Speaking of international relations, Defense Secretary Robert Gates urged patience in dealing with Pakistan. And by "patience" he meant "lots and lots of Hellfire missile strikes."
After "A Gay Girl In Damascus" turned out to be a 40 year old guy, yet another lesbian blogger called "Lez Get Real" turned out to be another man, confirming once again that every lesbian on the Internet is actually a middle-aged white dude.
Pandora, the popular Internet radio service, had their Initial Public Offering this week, and stock prices shot up to $16/share, proving there is money to be made off of people too lazy to steal their own music.
In California a man was sentenced to 30 years for stockpiling explosives in his home. In a related story, A&E just started filming the most exciting episode of Hoarders to date.
And last, sad news for Hugh Hefner, as his young fiancee Crystal Harris broke off their engagement just days before the wedding. I guess that means he's officially out of roofies.
Okay, that's that and I mean it. Let's make the rest of the day great, what do you say? Tell your friends, and come back tomorrow!
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