Thursday Morning Monologue - January 3, 2012

Happy new year.

In Hong Kong, authorities are grappling with an epidemic of wasted food. The situation is extremely dire, seeing as how everyone keeps getting hungry an hour later.

The CEO of Safeway is retiring this month. He's got a sizable contract buyout coming his way, and it'll be even bigger if he manages to step down on Double Coupon Day.

Professional golfer Carl Petterssen said this week that the PGA is on a witch hunt against long putters. He made the statement in hopes to get an early start on the "Least Relevant Story of 2013" award. Go get 'em, tiger.

Al Jazeera television announced they're buying Al Gore's "CURRENT TV" in an effort to lose money.

New Jersey Governor Christie blasted John Boehner over Congress' lack of action on relief for Hurricane Sandy, because apparently the Governor just found out that Congress is useless.

Dave Letterman told Oprah Winfrey in a recent interview that he "hurt a lot of people" in his sex scandal, which indicates that Letterman is into some freaky shit.

Congress recently voted to continue the NSA's warrantless surveillance program. So, any agents reading this, please leave comments below.

Anonymous is fine.

And finally, a lesbian couple in Topeka, Kansas, is trying to force the sperm donor who fathered their child to pay child support. Apparently they misunderstood the term "money shot."

THANK YOU!

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 27, 2012

I was going to write this entirely in binary, but that's really tedious. And these jokes are tedious enough already. So, 0111001010011010101001011010101101010100011101001! Am I right?! Ladies know.

At a concert this week, Madonna exhorted her fans to support the "black Muslim" in the White House. She later defended her remarks by reminding reporters that she's very, very stupid.

Dame Helen Mirren recently received a special honor from the European Film Academy for her achievements in world cinema. The award statue, just like the Dame herself, is unchanged since the late 1970s.

Before?

After? If so, not by much.

Author J.K. Rowling said this week that she hasn't ruled out the possibility of writing another Harry Potter novel. In a related story, she also hasn't ruled out purchasing Hawaii.

In Hong Kong, a tycoon just posted a $65million bounty for any man who can "woo" his lesbian daughter away from her wife. Oh, has attempted prostitution ever been so hilarious?

A medical study published week found that castrated men live longer than other men, providing some of the most elegant evidence yet that God exists and his sense of humor is terrible.

The mayor of Phoenix spent a week living on a foodstamp budget, and ended up losing four pounds after just one week, which explains why so many poor people are so sexy.

Amid flagging sales, the CEO of Radio Shack just stepped down. His severance package included a lifetime supply of C-Cell batteries.

And finally, pork analysts are predicting a worldwide shortage of bacon this year. The suspected culprit: an unfortunate convergence of poorly constructed homes and blustery worlves! Just kidding, it's our fat asses.

That's it! Later, kiddos.