Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 7, 2012

Wednesday is here once again. And it's brought you these jokes!

Dunkin' Donuts is reaching into Chinese markets and trying to appeal to local tastes with a new pork donut on the menu. And if all goes well, they'll soon be unveiling their new recipe for bear claws. Made with bear claws.

This next joke isn't a joke so much as a headline that caught my eye. From Politico.com:

Well, can't argue with that.

Speaking of Limbaugh, he got dumped by another radio station. If this keeps up, it will be a good thing. Seriously, though, he's been dumped by almost as many radio stations as he has been by women.

He sucks.

Musician and walking freakout Lady Gaga just broke 20 million followers on Twitter, which is about five times as many Scientologists as there are in the world. That news wouldn't be so disturbing if her next project wasn't a book called Gaganetics.

French President Nicholas Sarkozy says France "has too many foreigners." And he's right. I've been there. It was crawling with all sorts of Europeans. Mainly the French.

Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow will not be on The Bachelor next season. Probably because he's already agreed to be on The Biggest Loser. Yeah, take that, you successful, attractive, happy person. Loser.

Hundreds of comic books were damaged at Pittsburgh's ToonSeum by rain this weekend, which just goes to show that's what happens when you don't take proper care of your things and put them away when you're done! I mean I didn't want for this to happen, but if that's what it takes for you to learn that lesson, better now than later. Now come on, let's throw those moldy things out before you get sick and I'll take you out for a soda.

I don't know where that came from. Sorry.

And finally, Broadway director Julie Taymor claims there was a sinister plot to undermine her during the production of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Producers shot back saying it was ridiculous, that nothing resembling a plot has ever been associated with the show.

And that's what it is! What? That's the end of jokes. Forever. Until tomorrow.

BYE!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 4, 2012

Well, with 89% of precincts reporting, I still don't care about the Iowa Caucus. So don't expect any jokes about it today. Maybe I'll give a damn tomorrow. But I do give a damn about these jokes. Read them and enjoy, or not.

Due to awful sales and mounting losses, RIM just reduced the price of all their Playbook tablets to $299. It's like if NBC decided to start selling all their advertising spots at Whitney prices.

A new "tropical" breed of hybrid sharks was spotted off the Australian coast. Biologists believe the breed is tougher than normal sharks, and presents a great new opportunity for shitty SyFy channel movies.

In Maryland, a lost hiker was saved in part by an iPhone flashlight app, which is convenient since it was the iPhone GPS that got him lost in the first place.

Speaking of lost, pop musician Fergie said this week that she might be having a baby this year. The only downside is that at some point, she's going to sing to that baby, and there's nothing comforting about an auto-tuned lullaby.

Speaking of babies, Lady Gaga said recently that "my next baby will be my new record." So, get ready for a scream-filled album that isn't nearly as cute as Lady Gaga thinks it is. And also, I guess that means a follow-up EP would be like the afterbirth?

China's President Hu Jintao said this week that the West is trying to dominate China by spreading its culture and ideology to China. It may sound xenophobic, but I understand his motivation. No one wants to wake up in the sort of country that created Whitney.

In Spain, Salma Hayek received knighthood this weekend. I can't imagine how they're going to find a suit of armor that fits her, though.

And finally, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark surpassed Wicked as the biggest financial success on Broadway. But in fairness, most of that came from Aflac injury claims.

Okay, that's the end of today. Tomorrow will be a new day, perhaps with Romney and Santorum and the awful choices Iowa's Republicans make. Till then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 22, 2011

You know how sometimes you forget that it's Monday? Well, that's what I did yesterday. It was pretty awesome. I suggest you try it sometime. And now back to jokes.

Scandal in the GOP presidential race! Mitt Romney admitted that he drank beer and tried cigarettes when he was younger. Well, that explains why he's losing. Apparently he never watched the ABC Afterschool Specials.

In related GOP news, the newly resurgent Newt Gingrich, who now leads in primary polls, said he sees himself as Washington's "Braveheart." I'm guessing Newt didn't finish watching that movie.

The congressional "super committee" charged with reducing the deficit by $1.2 trillion over the next ten years worked through the weekend on an elusive budget compromise. Because it just takes one great all-nighter to wipe away decades of entrenched partisan dogma and animosity.

Or not. The super committee announced yesterday that they have failed to reach a deficit-reduction deal. Assuming that the average salary for a member of Congress is $174,000 and that they spend an average of 175 days actually working each year, that means we paid the 12 members of the super committee nearly $24,000 to not come up with a solution to the deficit crisis. That's $24,000 that we will have to borrow from China. To not reach a solution. That means we'd have been better off buying them all dinner and sending them to the premier of Twilight: Breaking Dawn. Not only would that have put money back into local economies, it would have shown Congress that we're serious. Either do your job, or we'll make you watch a shitty movie like Twilight again.

In a related story, Congress is so unpopular with Americans that they're attempting to rehabilitate the public image of Congress by having a puppy-eating contest. That's pretty unpopular, right? If eating puppies will make them more popular. Okay.

China announced they will be sending a pair of Pandas to Edinburgh. It's part of a plan to see how Pandas handle alcoholism, unemployment and methadone withdrawal.

Global financial markets fell again yesterday as investors realized the same people were in charge that were in charge three years ago.

Iran raised eyebrows this week when representatives pulled out of the Nuke-free Mideast talks when they realized the purpose of the talks wasn't to bring nukes to the Middle east.

Popstar and cultural icon Lady Gaga is set to receive the LGBT "Hero" honor, which guarantees that she will be remembered in perpetuity through drag shows in poorly-lit bars.

An international health study found that 40% of the world does not have access to a toilet, which means they've never been to Boston. BOOM! Take that, Boston!

And finally, a judge in the UK ordered members of the press to stay away from Hugh Grant's new baby and her mother, saying that journalists should "treat them like you would a story on AIDS research or financial reforms."

Okay, that's all. Hope you enjoyed this super-sized edition. Maybe I'll do it again tomorrow. Or maybe I'll forget. Who can tell!? Okay, until whenever, have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 13, 2011

Fifty percent and counting. Today's a big day. Let's make some funny.

In Texas, a woman had a 16 pound baby recently. She credits the amazing size of her child to prenatal vitamins, plenty of sleep, and all the Human Growth Hormones she could score st the gym. That would explain why the baby has bacne.

In other big family news, the stars of Sister Wives are challenging Utah's anti-bigamy laws, which forced them to leave the state. It's not a choice I would make, and I don't entirely approve of it, but as long as they're not hurting anyone, I say go ahead and let 'em live in Utah.

In other legal news, Foxy Brown is going back to court after violating a restraining order by mooning her neighbor. But come on, how can you really hope to restrain Foxy Brown's ass?

In international news, Secretary of State Clinton said that Syrian President Assad is no longer legitimate. She clarified her earlier statement of "Assad is a bastard."

In San Francisco, a man went on trial for stealing a Picasso painting from a local gallery. His lawyer acknowledged that it looked bad for his client, but only from one perspective.

This week, the crew of a Jet Blue flight found a stun gun lodged in one of the seats. A representative from Spirit Air said "hey, that was our idea! Wait, was it set to go off sporadically, shocking people in the ass until they gave it all their money? No? Oh, then never mind."

In Australia, police put a stop to a series of unannounced free concerts by Lady Gaga. The cops probably overreacted when they heard some lady was out on the street giving it away for free.

And lastly, the new social networking site Google+ now has over 10 million members, and half of them want you to win a free iPad! Yahoo! I mean, Google! I need an invite...

Okay, that's it for today! Hope your day is amazing and beautiful!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 8, 2011

Seriously, I'm done with banter. I won't even mention the new socks I got today. I won't talk about how they're both black and gray, nor will I mention the padding, stitching or elasticity. I also won't tweet any images of myself wearing the socks. Because that's been done to death. Okay, well, now is the time for jokes. Oh yeah, happy Wednesday.

Okay, nerds. Here's one for you. Sony is releasing 3D glasses for the Playstation 3. So now you can watch your identity get stolen in three dimensions!

So, the famous wrapper---excuse me, rapper---Eminem just released a new song where he slams Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga. The song is called "Hey, Remember Me? Eminem? Hey Guys!"

In other irrelevant news, President Obama's economic advisor Austan Goolsby is leaving the White House to take a teaching poisiton at the University of Chicago. He's looking forward to meeting the leaders of tomorrow, and giving them terrible economic advice. Fish gotta swim, right?

Speaking of fishy stories, television person Ann Curry will be taking over Meredith Viera on the Today show, proving once again that you don't have to be any good to succeed in life if you can just stick around long enough for everyone else to leave. Are you paying attention, kids?

In Zimbabwe, a homicide detective has been jailed for using Mugabe's toilet and faces a prison term of up to ten years for using the President's toilet. Well done, Zimbabwe! You're making great use of democracy.

Speaking of misusing your freedom, a university in Kyoto now offers students a Ph.D. in Manga, the popular Japanese comic book style. Even I think that's dorky, and I was once in a Renaissance Fair.

Pretend you don't know that.

Anyway, Kelly Bensimon, best known for her participation in Bravo's Real Housewives of New York City, recently posed for Playboy. The hardest part of the whole photo shoot was when the editors had to airbrush in some dignity. BOOM! Take THAT, person I've never met who is on a show I've never watched.

And lastly, a young woman in Florida was arrested yesterday for driving topless and drunk with a bag of marijuana sticking out of her purse. She was charged with one count of being nine months early for Spring Break.

Okay, that's the end of that. Come back tomorrow, okay? And tell your friends! Oh, and remember to use sunblock and have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 7, 2011

No banter today. Because I feel that it slows down the pace of the blog, and doesn't really add anything to the piece. It's just sort of there, like something you have to get through to get to the stuff you really wanted to see. The jokes, right? There's some of them here. And we'll get to them, but first I just wanted to reiterate how I felt about the banter, and how it is sometimes useless. I feel that banter is unnecessary in this day and age. Okay, let's have humor.

Plaxico Burress got out of prison yesterday. His right thigh has already applied for a restraining order.

Former Senator Rick Santorum announced he will be running for the GOP presidential nomination, which is awesome news for people who hate bigots and love the Google search engine. Santorum said he was "in it to win it," but I'd say his chances are pretty crappy. Seriously, Google this freak.

In political news, one of President Obama's nominees for the Federal Reserve, Nobel Laureate Peter Diamond, bowed out after facing stiff opposition from the GOP. Apparently there's a policy against hiring anyone who actually understands what the place is supposed to do. My gym is the same way.

Hey, have you heard about Lady Gaga? Her new album Born This Way was just banned from going on sale in Lebanon. Don't worry, you can still steal it on Limewire.

In France, television personalities will now cease mentioning Twitter or Facebook by name on the air, as it is considered to be an unfair advantage to those companies over smaller, startup social networking sites. Yep, that should even it up.

Speaking of staying even, Sarah Palin claims that she didn't mess up the history of Paul Revere in a recent interview. Of course, she's also claiming that she didn't mess up John McCain's 2008 campaign. So, there's that.

An auction this week brought in $200 for an old pair of Bernie Maddoff's underwear. The buyer was interested to see what kind of underpants you wear when you screw millions of people. Also, what he used to keep in that underwear just sold in prison for significantly less than $200.

And lastly, elder stateswoman of Hollywood Reese Witherspoon, went off on the new generation of starlets in Hollywood who use sex tapes and reality shows to get famous. She made this speech at the MTV Movie Awards, so good luck with that. In a follow up statement, she also demanded that all those kids get off her lawn. SHE'S OLD NOW!

Okay, that's it. See you on Wednesday! Remember your sunblock, friends, and have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - May 23, 2011

Welcome back to the Internet, friends! What a great weekend, right? It was so great, that I've been left without the ability to banter. Can you believe that? I can barely even make a comment about my new... suncreen. It's spf 100. That's a lot of screening. It's basically an a tube of eclipse. Ain't science grand? Okay, you've been very good to put up with this so far,  so have some jokes.

Speaking of jokes, there was no rapture this weekend, which must really bother Kirk Cameron. No word yet on why the world wasn't destroyed, but I have to assume Dr. Who had something to do with it. You're welcome, nerds. Seriously, though, a lot of people must be super disappointed that the world didn't end. Does Hallmark make a sympathy card for that? But by far, the most troubling thing about this whole apocalypse hooplah is that now Scientology seems much more respectable by comparison. Tom Cruise still gives me the creeps, though. Right?

Speaking of creeps, on 60 Minutes this weekend a former teammate of Lance Armstrong accused the champion cyclist of engaging in doping and encouraging other riders to do the same. In fact, he said that Armstrong led a double life, with one half all about drugs and deceit that nearly ruined his life entirely. Scorsese is interested in the movie rights. His only concern is how to make Robert DeNiro look like a tall, lanky athlete from Texas.

In political news, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels announced he will not be running for President, saying that he has to concentrate on completely ruining Indiana before moving on to the rest of the nation. Maybe 2016...

In other GOP news, former Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain announced he is running for President. He's vowed to do for America what he did Godfather's: drive it into obscurity and bankruptcy.

Hey, Internet, guess what? Lady Gaga uses the Google Chrome web browser. Not really a surprise, though, considering her preferred bra material.

So, you heard about that guy from the International Monetary Fund who might have raped that woman? Or women? Well, he quit that job, and they might have found his replacement. Her name is Christine Lagarde, and she's the French Finance Minister. As Finance Minister, her policies have focused on emerging markets, new technologies, and not raping people. It's a bold new direction.

In lighter news, Family Guy "creator" Seth MacFarlane signed on to create a new Flintstones series for FOX. This should be easy for MacFarlane, considering how well he repackaged The Simpsons as Family Guy. BOOM! Take that, winner!

In America, and nowhere else, a retired prison guard successfully ate his 25,000th Big Mac last week. Yes, that's the record. Thank God. The man ate 25,000 Big Macs over 39 years. That works out to just over 641 Big Macs per year, or 1.75 Big Macs per day, every day, for 39 years. Good thing he doesn't get tired of the same crap, over and over. In a related story, he's looking forward to Seth MacFarlane's new Flintstones series. BOOM! Feel the sting, MacFarlane? You just got dissed in front of upwards of two dozen people and Internet search bots.

Okay, that's all for now. I'm going go put on some sunscreen. I suggest you do the same. And if you feel like it, tell your friends, too. While you're doing that, maybe tell them to check out the jokes?

Anyway, that's all for now. More tomorrow. Till then, have a great day!

Earnest's Weekend Monologue - April 17, 2011

Hey, guys, gas is over four dollars a gallon in LA, which means I’m only leaving my apartment when absolutely necessary, and on those occassions, I’m just going to fill up with Red Bull and run. What else is going on?

Well, for starters, Nicholas Cage was arrested in New Orleans Saurday. After posting bail, his lawyer told him he had to appear in court, and his immediate reaction was “Is Michael Bay directing? If so, I’m in!” Actually, here’s a strange little tidbit of info for you: Dog The Bounty Hunter bailed Nicholas Cage out of jail. I really hope this is how the next National Treasure starts. “We’re huntin’ the biggest bounty of all... John Wilkes Boothe’s reainimated corpse!”

There FAA announced it is creating new rules for air traffic controllers that should make the airways safer. The first new rule is no one works past bedtime.... Of course, you know there have been a lot of scandals lately with air traffic controllers sleeping on the job. You’d think that the first time an air traffic controller was caught sleeping that would’ve set off some alarms. Of course, if they’d set alarms in the first place, they wouldn’t have gotten caught sleeping. I don’t want to make light of the situation though. Sleepairtrafficcontrolling is a very serious condition whose only real cure is unemployment.

Religious leaders are upset about Lady Gaga because she sings that she loves Judas in her new song. Meanwhile Judas is getting a little tired of Lady Gaga. Apparently, somewhere around the eighth remix for “Born This Way” he was just over her. Judas is famous for betraying Jesus Christ on a really memorable night when Jesus called dibbs, but Judas went after Gaga anyway. Apparently, the church has never gotten over it.

Speaking of things hard to get over... All My Children was cancelled this week. So was One Life To Live. They were both soap operas that had been on the air for decades. Now the only soap operas left are General Hospital and the budget talks between the Republicans and Democrats. Which ever you choose to watch, you’re going to be able to see old people get screwed... Boy, if my grandma knew that they were cancelling these soaps, she’d roll over in her grave and say “Leave my stories on!” Then I’d be mad because cartoons would be on, and I’m tired of watching soaps all day, and why do I have to be here, anyway, because I’m old enough to be left home alone... Sorry, that took me back to a dark place.

That’s all this weekend. Come back Monday through Friday for jokes from Seth and Spence!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 9, 2011

Did you have a great Mardi Gras? Well, good for you. I hope you enjoy your penance. What's that? You are enjoying it? Then you're doing it wrong. Try again. Also, here are jokes:

In Libya, rumors circulated throughout the country that Colonel Gadaffi was looking to negotiate an exit from the country and an abdication of his leadership. Representatives for the insane leader refuted the story, saying "No, he's not going anywhere. Why, what did you hear? You think the rebels would be cool with that?" In a related story, the widely-trusted Colonel offered to discuss his possible exit in person with opposition leaders "and as many rebel troops as possible" in a wide open plain near the Libyan air force.

In legal food news Lady Gaga is suing the makers of "Baby Gaga" ice cream, which is made from human breast milk. "I would never associate my name with something like that," the pop star said, then put on a wide-brimmed hat made entirely of meat.

In South Carolina, Governor Nikki Haley is writing her memoir. When asked about projected book sales, she said "if it doesn't sell, I'll just call it a history book and make the public schools buy it. That's basically what happened with A Separate Peace."

In Pennsylvania, a prominent celebrity boxing promoter stands accused of fixing fights. This news is devastating to the many fans of celebrity boxing. This revelation also calls into question the real ass-whipping power of Danny Bonaduce. The sport may never recover.

Warner Brothers will soon be offering full-length films through Facebook in a move to destroy all American productivity once and for all.

American Sikhs, mistaken for Muslims, are being targeted for hate crimes by some of the worst bigots ever. A spokesman for the Sikh community said "it's always disheartening to see violence like this, but it's even worse somehow when you realize these ignorant bastards can't even get their bigotry right. Pathetic."

A legal fight is brewing this week in California over the 2012 Golden Globes Award Ceremony. It seems that no one can agree as to who has to air it.

Lastly, Phil Collins announced this week, several times, that he will be quitting music. He plans to use his new free time to concentrate on resuming his acting career, saying "they're still shooting episodes of Miami Vice, right?" When asked if he might return to music in the future, he said it was "against all odds, but it's the chance I have to take."

That's it for now. Does anyone else want to listen to "In the Air Tonight?" Hey, once you're done, how about leaving a comment below? How about reposting us on Twitter or Facebook or Buzz? How about emailing us to all your friends? Yes, all of them. How about that? How about coming back tomorrow? Hope you have a great Wednesday and I'll see you again tomorrow!