After being nominated for the job of Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel personally contacted all one hundred U.S. Senators to help secure his confirmation to the post, which explains why no one else wants the job.
Speaking of jobs, Charlie Sheen said he wants to return to Two and a Half Men, which means he's either no longer on drugs, or more drugs than ever before. Either way, he needs to work on the formula.
A Russian court decided against overturning the prison sentence handed down for Pussy Riot, instead opting to keep them in the box a little longer.
A new study found that twice as many people are going to the emergency room because of energy drinks as they were just six years ago. And we can all agree that an increase like that is EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another study found a link between fast food consumption and increased asthma and allergies in children. Also, the study found no correlation between Happy Meals and depression.
In Florida, a teenager was arrested for giving wedgies to other teens and adults. In a related story, he's going to find prison the be hilarious.
At the President's inauguration yesterday, attendees booed Rep. Paul Ryan, showing that political elites are still in touch with mainstream America.
And finally, scientists are searching for and "adventurous woman" willing to have a baby created with recovered Neanderthal DNA. Well, if someone is willing to have a baby with Kid Rock...
And that's it!
Showing posts with label kid rock. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kid rock. Show all posts
Monday, January 21, 2013
Monday, October 8, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 9, 2012
Just kidding! Or, I will be in about one more sentence. Yeah, that sounds right.
Child-molesting jerk Jerry Sandusky said from prison yesterday "in my heart, I know I did not do these alleged, disgusting acts." That's true. He did them mainly in a shower.
Enjoy prison, you piece of crap.
In other piece of crap news, a 26 year-old man was arrested for defacing a Rothko painting in London this week. He was captured when he turned up asking for his name to be added to the label.
Museum joke!
Kid Rock said that he will support Rep. Paul Ryan, even if it costs him his fans. He also said the same thing about releasing his last album.
British rugby player Paul Wood was joking yesterday about losing a testicle in a recent match. He put up missing posters, but so far hasn't heard dick about it.
Good news! The American crocodile is coming back. In a related story, something just ate your dog.
Doctors are studying whether or not a daily dose of fatty acids may be able to lower returning veterans' suicide risk. It's either that, or provide them with adequate physical and psychological rehabilitation and some sort of jobs program.
Writer Kelly Marcel was just picked to write the Fifty Shades of Grey screenplay. She said she's looking forward to getting paid for writing something absolutely awful.
And finally, Sprint is testing a new program wherein you can use your name as your phone number. The option is an extra $3 per month, and is not expected to be popular with people whose names are strings of ten seemingly unrelated numbers.
Okay, now I'm serious.
BYE!
Child-molesting jerk Jerry Sandusky said from prison yesterday "in my heart, I know I did not do these alleged, disgusting acts." That's true. He did them mainly in a shower.
Enjoy prison, you piece of crap.
In other piece of crap news, a 26 year-old man was arrested for defacing a Rothko painting in London this week. He was captured when he turned up asking for his name to be added to the label.
Museum joke!
Kid Rock said that he will support Rep. Paul Ryan, even if it costs him his fans. He also said the same thing about releasing his last album.
British rugby player Paul Wood was joking yesterday about losing a testicle in a recent match. He put up missing posters, but so far hasn't heard dick about it.
Good news! The American crocodile is coming back. In a related story, something just ate your dog.
Doctors are studying whether or not a daily dose of fatty acids may be able to lower returning veterans' suicide risk. It's either that, or provide them with adequate physical and psychological rehabilitation and some sort of jobs program.
Writer Kelly Marcel was just picked to write the Fifty Shades of Grey screenplay. She said she's looking forward to getting paid for writing something absolutely awful.
And finally, Sprint is testing a new program wherein you can use your name as your phone number. The option is an extra $3 per month, and is not expected to be popular with people whose names are strings of ten seemingly unrelated numbers.
Okay, now I'm serious.
BYE!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 29, 2012
Happy Leap Day! What are you going to do with your extra 24 hours? Perhaps read some jokes? I've had a cold for the last two days, so I'm assuming that at least some of my extra hours will involve hacking and coughing things up. Speaking of...
The director of the recent Wrath of the Titans remake promises the sequel will be "vast and epic." Nowhere, however, did he use the words "good" or "watchable."
Singer Celine Dion canceled more of her Las Vegas shows on the orders of her personal doctor. So, there is someone out there who is sicker of her music than I am. Kudos, Doctor.
A group of Harvard alumni are seeking honorary degrees for gay students who were expelled over the last 100 years. Great, now there are even more Harvard grads to compete with.
NASCAR driver Brad Kaselowski gained 130,000 followers when he live-tweeted during the race on Monday. Next week he has to do shots.
The Dow Jones closed above 13,000 for the first time since May, 2008! That's great news, right? Wait what the hell does that mean? Did Wall Street just make a bunch of money and the rest of us got jack squat? Oh, man, I hate it when that happens.
Royal-in-law Pippa Middleton is set to raise money for charity by skiing in the 56-mile Swedish X-C race. She's expected to come in first, followed almost immediately by the rest of the pack.
Because they'll be looking at her ass.
In other ass news, Kid Rock performed at a Mitt Romney event last night, cementing Romney's position in the campaign as the old dude slightly more hip than the guy in the sweater vest. And as always, any proceeds will go to help Kid Rock pay rent.
And finally, reports are surfacing that famed physicist Stephen Hawking has frequented a California sex club in the past. Looks like he really is an expert in the Big Bang after all.
That's all. Enjoy the rest of this magical day! See you tomorrow!
The director of the recent Wrath of the Titans remake promises the sequel will be "vast and epic." Nowhere, however, did he use the words "good" or "watchable."
Singer Celine Dion canceled more of her Las Vegas shows on the orders of her personal doctor. So, there is someone out there who is sicker of her music than I am. Kudos, Doctor.
A group of Harvard alumni are seeking honorary degrees for gay students who were expelled over the last 100 years. Great, now there are even more Harvard grads to compete with.
NASCAR driver Brad Kaselowski gained 130,000 followers when he live-tweeted during the race on Monday. Next week he has to do shots.
The Dow Jones closed above 13,000 for the first time since May, 2008! That's great news, right? Wait what the hell does that mean? Did Wall Street just make a bunch of money and the rest of us got jack squat? Oh, man, I hate it when that happens.
Royal-in-law Pippa Middleton is set to raise money for charity by skiing in the 56-mile Swedish X-C race. She's expected to come in first, followed almost immediately by the rest of the pack.
Because they'll be looking at her ass.
In other ass news, Kid Rock performed at a Mitt Romney event last night, cementing Romney's position in the campaign as the old dude slightly more hip than the guy in the sweater vest. And as always, any proceeds will go to help Kid Rock pay rent.
And finally, reports are surfacing that famed physicist Stephen Hawking has frequented a California sex club in the past. Looks like he really is an expert in the Big Bang after all.
That's all. Enjoy the rest of this magical day! See you tomorrow!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 28, 2012
Take that, Tuesday! And by "that" I mean "this." And by "this" I mean "these jokes." Enjoy!
An onboard fire has crippled another Costa Cruises ship, leaving passengers and crew stranded in the Indian Ocean. And no one on board is complaining. In a related story, Capt. Francesco Schettino immediately jumped into a boat upon hearing the news.
In Warren, Texas, a 12 year-old boy was detained at school for waving a loaded gun at a classmate during lunch. Although, since this is Texas, he may have just been pointing at the kid's Salisbury steak. Kids love that stuff.
In the UK, investigations into The Sun newspaper revealed a huge culture of illegal bribes and other payoffs. So, remind me again why American newspapers can't turn a profit?
Mary Jo Buttafuoco got remarried in Las Vegas. We wish her the best of luck. No joke here. The world needs another Buttafuoco joke like it needs a... never mind.
The Detroit Symphony paired up with Kid Rock for a fundraiser event. Proceeds will be used to help Kid Rock with his rent.
Intelligence firm Stratfor condemned WikiLeaks yesterday for releasing 5 million of the company's emails. Representatives called it a deplorable, unfortunate and illegal breach of privacy "that no one made any money off of."
The Sex Pistols signed with Universal, because, ultimately, nothing is more punk than a bunch of old geezers who still don't know anything about music taking a bunch of money from a faceless corporation trying to profit off of an ancient trend it still doesn't understand.
Punk's not dead, but it may be wearing a diaper.
And finally, Senegal's leader Abdoulaye Wade was booed as he cast his ballot in the country's presidential election, but that's probably because he was wearing a Patriot's jersey.
That's it! Hope you're having a great week! See you tomorrow!
An onboard fire has crippled another Costa Cruises ship, leaving passengers and crew stranded in the Indian Ocean. And no one on board is complaining. In a related story, Capt. Francesco Schettino immediately jumped into a boat upon hearing the news.
In Warren, Texas, a 12 year-old boy was detained at school for waving a loaded gun at a classmate during lunch. Although, since this is Texas, he may have just been pointing at the kid's Salisbury steak. Kids love that stuff.
In the UK, investigations into The Sun newspaper revealed a huge culture of illegal bribes and other payoffs. So, remind me again why American newspapers can't turn a profit?
Mary Jo Buttafuoco got remarried in Las Vegas. We wish her the best of luck. No joke here. The world needs another Buttafuoco joke like it needs a... never mind.
The Detroit Symphony paired up with Kid Rock for a fundraiser event. Proceeds will be used to help Kid Rock with his rent.
Intelligence firm Stratfor condemned WikiLeaks yesterday for releasing 5 million of the company's emails. Representatives called it a deplorable, unfortunate and illegal breach of privacy "that no one made any money off of."
The Sex Pistols signed with Universal, because, ultimately, nothing is more punk than a bunch of old geezers who still don't know anything about music taking a bunch of money from a faceless corporation trying to profit off of an ancient trend it still doesn't understand.
Punk's not dead, but it may be wearing a diaper.
And finally, Senegal's leader Abdoulaye Wade was booed as he cast his ballot in the country's presidential election, but that's probably because he was wearing a Patriot's jersey.
That's it! Hope you're having a great week! See you tomorrow!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 17, 2012
Hey, friends! Let's see what's happening now. Or yesterday, actually.
A new CNN poll reveals that 11% of Americans still approve of the job Congress is doing, which must mean that 11% of Americans are now members of Congress.
Internet shoe seller Zappos.com revealed that their customer database was hacked. So now everyone knows how big your clown-shoes are.
Speaking of the Internet, Wikipedia will go dark for a day to protest proposed anti-piracy laws. Elsewhere on the Internet, protest groups show their displeasure by downloading the latest Twilight movie and as many Adele albums as they possibly can.
A suspect in Georgia successfully smuggled a 10" revolver into prison inside his own rectum. The suspect has been described as a "crack shot."
In Detroit, Kid Rock apologized for smoking a cigar in a non-smoking diner. Patrons at the restaurant accepted his apology on the condition that he stop trying to give them his autograph.
A medical patient in New York was shocked this week by a bill for $45million for various medical treatments. Of course, the bill was sent in error. Yeah, it was actually only $32million.
After a lackluster performance at this year's Golden Globes ceremony, host Ricky Gervais is already working on some horrible things to say about himself at next year's show.
And finally, doctors in India revealed the existence of a drug-resistant strain of tuberculosis, which could pose a worldwide health threat. Not only that, it could lead to more shitty literature like Wuthering Heights.
Okay, that's the end. Have a great day!
A new CNN poll reveals that 11% of Americans still approve of the job Congress is doing, which must mean that 11% of Americans are now members of Congress.
Internet shoe seller Zappos.com revealed that their customer database was hacked. So now everyone knows how big your clown-shoes are.
Speaking of the Internet, Wikipedia will go dark for a day to protest proposed anti-piracy laws. Elsewhere on the Internet, protest groups show their displeasure by downloading the latest Twilight movie and as many Adele albums as they possibly can.
A suspect in Georgia successfully smuggled a 10" revolver into prison inside his own rectum. The suspect has been described as a "crack shot."
In Detroit, Kid Rock apologized for smoking a cigar in a non-smoking diner. Patrons at the restaurant accepted his apology on the condition that he stop trying to give them his autograph.
A medical patient in New York was shocked this week by a bill for $45million for various medical treatments. Of course, the bill was sent in error. Yeah, it was actually only $32million.
After a lackluster performance at this year's Golden Globes ceremony, host Ricky Gervais is already working on some horrible things to say about himself at next year's show.
And finally, doctors in India revealed the existence of a drug-resistant strain of tuberculosis, which could pose a worldwide health threat. Not only that, it could lead to more shitty literature like Wuthering Heights.
Okay, that's the end. Have a great day!
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