Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 30, 2013

Yahoo! announced increased revenue for 2012, largely attributed to their aggressive strategy of looking for coins in the office couch cushions.

In Toledo, a hospital is resuming transplant operations which were suspended when a nurse mistakenly threw out a healthy kidney. Yes, "mistakenly" threw it out, totally not planning to go get it from the trash later and take it home for dinner.

The Spanish olive harvest is down by 80%, meaning that canola oil will be the new standard for oil wrestling this year.

In celebrity news, rumor is that Frank Ocean and Chris Brown got into a fight recently over a parking space and Rihanna is recovering comfortably.

Chris Brown is an asshole.

New Orleans is preparing for the Super Bowl even though some areas of the city have still not recovered from Katrina. Some residents are proud of how far the city has come, others are frustrated at how much is still left ahead of them, but one thing they can all agree on: the city is lucky that it doesn't have to deal with Patriots fans. Those guys suck.

Bill Gates is partnering with the government of Germany on a new initiative to fight hunger. First up: teaching German people how to cook food that isn't awful.

Google Maps is adding secret North Korean prison camps to the Google Earth and Google Map projects. And of course, you can now check in to them on FourSquare.

And finally, rumors were swirling this week that Queen Elizabeth might follow the example of Quenn Beatrix, and abdicate the throne in favor of a younger monarch. Elizabeth put the rumors to rest this week when she had her crown bolted onto her skull. Said the wily old Queen, "come take it if you can, you little bitches."

And that's how we're ending today.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 18, 2011

Have you been waiting for Wednesday? Well, this one is a firecracker of a day! I hope you enjoy it, yes I do. Oh, let's forget about it. If you're a Lisa Loeb fan, then the previous three sentences may have been mildly amusing to you. To the rest of you, I'm so sorry. Truthfully. But seriously, check out Firecracker, it's a wonderful album. Do this, I say. You'll love it in a split second. I'm no good at banter, it turns out. But at least I'm not talking about my amazing underpants anymore. Oops. Alright, enjoy these jokes.

You remember Happy Meals, right? They used to sell them and include a little toy for you to play with until you pass out from all the "nutrients" in the meal you just ate, remember? Well, you can't do that anymore in Florida. It's been outlawed! But lobbyists for the restaurant industry are fighting the ban and trying to find loopholes in the law so they can continue to entice children to eat their crappy food in order to get a toy. Not once, apparently, has it occurred to them that it might be easier to JUST SELL THE  DAMN TOYS! They must be really committed to poorly-cooked hamburgers. Maybe it's a union thing.

In China, on the other hand, and side of the world, watermelon farmers are having a rough spring this year, as their crops keep exploding. Yes. Exploding watermelons. It's due to a growth hormone, apparently, and it's awful news for Gallagher. But thank goodness it wasn't happening on dairy farms, or this would be a much darker joke.

Speaking of juicy, explosive stories (you like what I did there?), former Governor Arnold Schwarzenneger confirmed yesterday that he secretly fathered a child with a member of his staff ten years ago. How embarrassed must he have been to keep this a secret for so long? I mean, after all, this is a guy who actively and proudly promoted the film Junior. I kinda thought he had no shame.

Also lacking in shame, the producers of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark have ruined a perfectly good Internet meme by turning their colossal turd of a musical into a "good" show. And all they had to do was fire the entire team behind the musical and bring in new leadership. Is it too much to hope that Al Qaeda could... no, I think one miracle per generation is all we can hope for. So go see Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark today! Well, at least the name is still stupid. We can make fun of them for that.

Elsewhere in America, there was good news for American criminals, as FOX announced it has canceled America's Most Wanted after what seems like 600 years on television. Now if rapists, murderers and other miscreants want to get on television, they'll have to audition for X-Factor, just like everyone else. There's no shortcuts to fame, I guess.

In other legal news, the Recording Industry Association of America reached a settlement in its lawsuit against the music "sharing" service Limewire. Under the agreement, record labels will split a payout of $105 million... and artists will get exactly zero dollars. That's fair, right? Well, looks like the music industry is right back where it's supposed to be!

In New York, the taxi fleet is getting classed up. No, we're not going to see cabbies in tuxedos, although that would be awesome. No, a number of new Lexus Hybrids are entering service, so now you can feel classy and environmentally-conscious when you vomit in the back of a cab at 3:00 am.

And finally, in celebrity news, actor and case study Tracy Morgan is apparently back with his old flame, and kidney donor, Tanisha Hall. Tracy made news previously when he, ahem, dumped her after she gave him one of her kidneys. Well, they've reconciled, it seems, which can only mean one thing: looks like someone's relapsing! Heaven forbid.

And I'm all out of jokes. There will be more tomorrow. You should let your friends know, because people like to be included in things. Especially things that are cool. Thanks for stopping by, hope you had a chuckle or eight.

Have a great day!