Thursday Morning Monologue - March 29, 2012

Good to see you! The week is almost over, have you accomplished anything? If you have, keep it to yourself, overachiever. Now let's joke about semi-serious things.

Newt Gingrich just laid off a third of his campaign staff, blaming financial trouble. Thanks, Obama. Mitt Romney recommend outsourcing the campaign to Chinese workers.

Queen Elizabeth II will be getting her own wax statue at Madame Tussauds in London. So finally we'll be able to see a lifelike version of her. Because she doesn't look real.

The FBI licensed the Unreal game engine to assist in their training program. This should prove helpful in recovering all those flags that keep getting stolen.

A new painting by the long-dead painter Rembrandt is going on display, thus cementing his place as the art world's Tupac.

The bassist for Staind donated $150,000 for the purchase of an ambulance in rural Massachusetts, selfishly denying us our God-given right to hate him. What a philanthropic jerk.

NewsCorp Australia is now involved in a new hacking scandal, proving again that Australia always gets into trends two years too late.

Alicia Silverstone is mouth-feeding her toddler, so now mommy bloggers can have their own "Two Girls One Cup." Don't Google that.

And finally, Magic Johnson just bought the LA Dodgers because he's used to beating the odds.

That's all! See you tomorrow, maybe? Till then, have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 17, 2011

Just when you thought it was going to be Tuesday again, it's Wednesday! Isn't that great? Yes, it is. Okay, and comedy is now!

In Delaware, the ACLU is defending the right of a convicted sex offender to live near a day care center. Said one lawyer, "yeah, I live across town."

In Maryland, a flash mob is being blamed for a 60-second robbery of a 7-11 store. Was it a flash mob, or just really efficient looting? We'll need to review the security footage to check for douchebag hipsters.

Speaking of douchebags, Governor Rick Perry said today that if the Chairman of the Federal Reserve prints more money before the next presidential election, it is tantamount to treason. Also treasonous: anything that helps to stabilize the economy and/or make it easier for President Obama to be reelected. That's the law. TEXAS-STYLE!

Remember that Rembrandt that was stolen from a California hotel recently? If you don't, go read yesterday's post. Go on, I'll wait. Okay, well police found it yesterday in a nearby church. At least the thieves didn't sell out.

In Forney, Texas, an 11 year-old girl was made Mayor for a day recently. First order of business, she renamed a street for Justin Bieber. Second order of business: get rid of all the Mexicans. That's the law. TEXAS-STYLE!

In other musical news, the rock group KISS got booted off an upcoming Michael Jackson tribute, presumably because they weren't considered solemn enough for the event. Either that or they had creative differences with the organizer: a chimpanzee. Because Michael loved... oh, never mind.

Speaking of other unspeakables, Casey Anthony's parents will be interviewed next week on the Dr. Phil Show because they haven't suffered enough.

And lastly, there's a rumor going around that Abercrombie & Fitch started bribing the Jersey Shore cast members to stop wearing their clothes. So, does that mean the Jersey Shore jerks are too douchey or not douchey enough?

Alright, those are some jokes. I'd say they're probably average. There will be more tomorrow.

Till then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 16, 2011

Happy Kayobi to you, everyone. That's the Japanese word for "Tuesday," which literally translates to "fire day." Sounds more exciting than "Mexican pizza in the cafeteria day," doesn't it? Alright, that's enough learning. Let's get on with making fun of stuff and things.

Yesterday super-rich old guy Warren Buffett (no relation to Jimmy, right?) wrote an editorial saying it was time for the U.S. to raise taxes on the super-rich and stop "coddling" them. He went on to say "yeah, and then spank us! SPANK US HARD!"

In other news, former Egyptian tyrant Hosni Mubarak continues to be on trial. However, the presiding judge recently cancelled television coverage of the proceedings. Apparently Matthew Weiner was demanding more money for his trial, and they had to cut back other programming.

In other television news, TLC cancelled Kate Plus 8, having finally answered the question: "how much of this shit can America stand?" Oh, and also, Matthew Weiner was blah blah blah Frank Darabont.

In legal news, thieves made off with a Rembrandt from a California hotel. The carefully orchestrated theft is regarded by some as an important advancement in art theft, although it won't be fully appreciated for decades. Because of the art. Okay.

In China, authorities found another 22 fake Apple stores. This time the police discovered the counterfeiters when they found out the people working inside were helpful.

Speaking of China, film production house Relativity Studio is partnering with Chinese filmmakers to speed up the process of film piracy.

Republican person Newt Gingrich went on a media offensive this weekend, raising awareness for his still-existing presidential campaign. Newt's new message is "we're not going anywhere." That's kinda the problem, Newt.

And lastly, Bernie Madoff's wife left him. Very sad, right? Apparently she's trying to kick start the whole "till death do us part thing."

And that's the last joke. There will be more tomorrow, I suspect. Until then, have a great day!