In London, Secretary of State Kerry accidentally blurted out that Syria could avoid a military strike from the U.S. if they would surrender their stockpiles of chemical weapons to the U.N. within one week. A representative from the Assad government was quick to praise the idea, adding "we're almost done with them anyway!"
In a related story, the State Department walked back Kerry's comments, saying the Secretary was not authorized to speak rationally.
In Florida, George Zimmerman was not arrested yesterday after his wife called 911 to report him for threatening her and her father with a gun. Zimmerman was questioned and released without any charges filed. As a result, his wife is now afraid to eat Skittles.
In Boulder, Colorado, a man was arrested for taking a drunken horse ride through town. The horse was under the legal limit, though, so he was released by police at the scene.
PayPal now offers a hands-free way to pay for things in person, using an app on your phone. In other news: DON'T EVER LOSE YOUR PHONE.
Google announced it would add embedded posts and author attribution to its Google+ social network. They will not, however, be adding a reason to use it.
The Neiman Marcus department store chain just sold to a private venture capital firm. I hope they're happy with the purchase, because that store's return policy is a nightmare.
And finally, the Sheriff's Department in Detroit announced the capture of a convict who escaped custody after stabbing a prison guard with a comb. They were never really worried, because if there's one thing the last 20 years have taught us, it's that nobody escapes Detroit.
And that's all!
Showing posts with label john kerry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label john kerry. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Monday, July 1, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - July 1, 2013
Happy Monday!
Jessica Simpson just gave birth to her second child, a beautiful baby boy. She says she's looking forward to no longer being the least-educated person in the room.
This weekend, Jennifer Lopez serenaded the President of Turkemenistan, one of the world's foremost bastard dictators. When asked if she regretted the performance, she said "not as much as Gigli."
In baseball, the Pittsburgh Pirates have won their ninth straight game, leading to speculation that we are in Bizarro World.
Millions of Egyptians have taken to the streets to protest against President Morsi, although some are probably just doing it out of habit at this point.
Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts said this weekend that he thinks the court "asks too many questions." Justice Thomas almost said something in response.
Secretary of State Kerry plans a return trip to the Middle East after his last visit failed to result in an Israeli-Palestinian agreement. If anything will motivate the two sides, it's the looming spectre of continued visits from John Kerry.
Reports are coming in that the NSA taps approximately 500 million calls and Internet links in Germany per month. It's rumored to be the largest collection of milkmaid-themed pornography in the free world.
And finally, in Oregon a couple allowed the customers at a Starbucks to pick the name for their newborn baby. The staff announced the winner, and of course they spelled it wrong.
That's all!
Jessica Simpson just gave birth to her second child, a beautiful baby boy. She says she's looking forward to no longer being the least-educated person in the room.
This weekend, Jennifer Lopez serenaded the President of Turkemenistan, one of the world's foremost bastard dictators. When asked if she regretted the performance, she said "not as much as Gigli."
In baseball, the Pittsburgh Pirates have won their ninth straight game, leading to speculation that we are in Bizarro World.
Millions of Egyptians have taken to the streets to protest against President Morsi, although some are probably just doing it out of habit at this point.
Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts said this weekend that he thinks the court "asks too many questions." Justice Thomas almost said something in response.
Secretary of State Kerry plans a return trip to the Middle East after his last visit failed to result in an Israeli-Palestinian agreement. If anything will motivate the two sides, it's the looming spectre of continued visits from John Kerry.
Reports are coming in that the NSA taps approximately 500 million calls and Internet links in Germany per month. It's rumored to be the largest collection of milkmaid-themed pornography in the free world.
And finally, in Oregon a couple allowed the customers at a Starbucks to pick the name for their newborn baby. The staff announced the winner, and of course they spelled it wrong.
That's all!
Monday, May 27, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - May 27, 2013
Hope you're enjoying your Memorial Day, if you're in America. And if you're not in America, then these jokes might not make sense to you.
Ben Affleck received an honorary degree from Brown University recently, so now those things are as worthless as an Oscar.
Two Russians got forcibly removed from a Spirit Air flight for speaking Russian this weekend. So now you know how to get off a Spirit Air flight.
Secretary of State John Kerry announced a $4billion investment in the West Bank. This is a departure for the administration, since they usually only prefer to invest in banks that helped destroy the global economy.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford denied that there was any video in existence of him smoking crack. But that's just because he sold the tapes for crack. Or he prefers to work in film. Pick your own punchline.
This weekend, the Pope urged Italy's mafia to stop exploiting others for profit. Particularly human trafficking. The Vatican was oddly silent on the practice of collecting "protection money," however. Seems they didn't want to start talking about demanding a share of the profits from people and businesses while offering nothing tangible in return but making vague promises about future punishment for non-payment.
President Obama visited Moore, Oklahoma, to survey damage from last week's tornadoes. President Obama urged Americans to "step up" the donation of money, goods, and volunteer services to help out those people devastated by the storm. Mainly because he knows that Sen. Coburn is going to filibuster any government aid.
Former Senator Bob Dole said this weekend that Reagan and Nixon could no longer get voted into office by today's Republican Party, highlighting the new party's deep-seated distrust of candidates who have been dead for years.
Last night Jupiter, Venus, and Mercury aligned into a triangle in the sky, and it was so hot.
A scientific paper published recently revealed that cockroaches learn to avoid sugar in order to stay out of deadly traps. Guess that means that cockroaches are smarter than fat kids.
Reality television star "Snooki" said that New Jersey Governor Christie "doesn't like" her. Alright, we get it. Chris Christie is just like the rest of us.
And finally, film director and convicted rapist Roman Polanski said in a recent interview that birth control pills have "masculinized" women. They have gotten so manly that he can barely bring himself to rape them anymore. In a related story, Roman Polanski started talking about women and no one had the presence of mind to say "shhhhhh."
That's it!
Ben Affleck received an honorary degree from Brown University recently, so now those things are as worthless as an Oscar.
Two Russians got forcibly removed from a Spirit Air flight for speaking Russian this weekend. So now you know how to get off a Spirit Air flight.
Secretary of State John Kerry announced a $4billion investment in the West Bank. This is a departure for the administration, since they usually only prefer to invest in banks that helped destroy the global economy.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford denied that there was any video in existence of him smoking crack. But that's just because he sold the tapes for crack. Or he prefers to work in film. Pick your own punchline.
This weekend, the Pope urged Italy's mafia to stop exploiting others for profit. Particularly human trafficking. The Vatican was oddly silent on the practice of collecting "protection money," however. Seems they didn't want to start talking about demanding a share of the profits from people and businesses while offering nothing tangible in return but making vague promises about future punishment for non-payment.
President Obama visited Moore, Oklahoma, to survey damage from last week's tornadoes. President Obama urged Americans to "step up" the donation of money, goods, and volunteer services to help out those people devastated by the storm. Mainly because he knows that Sen. Coburn is going to filibuster any government aid.
Former Senator Bob Dole said this weekend that Reagan and Nixon could no longer get voted into office by today's Republican Party, highlighting the new party's deep-seated distrust of candidates who have been dead for years.
Last night Jupiter, Venus, and Mercury aligned into a triangle in the sky, and it was so hot.
A scientific paper published recently revealed that cockroaches learn to avoid sugar in order to stay out of deadly traps. Guess that means that cockroaches are smarter than fat kids.
Reality television star "Snooki" said that New Jersey Governor Christie "doesn't like" her. Alright, we get it. Chris Christie is just like the rest of us.
And finally, film director and convicted rapist Roman Polanski said in a recent interview that birth control pills have "masculinized" women. They have gotten so manly that he can barely bring himself to rape them anymore. In a related story, Roman Polanski started talking about women and no one had the presence of mind to say "shhhhhh."
That's it!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Friday Morning Monologue - January 4, 2012
Hillary Clinton was released from the hospital this week after receiving treatment for a blood clot in her head. Doctors expect her to make a full recovery. And what's more, they expect the pain in her ass to subside as soon as John Kerry is confirmed by the Senate.
Hormel, the makers of SPAM just bought Skippy Peanut Butter. It is unclear what their endgame is, but it's fairly clear that it would have killed Elvis.
Speaking of Elvis, a high school in Utah had to cancel a musical based on his songs after a complaint was lodged that the music was too sexually suggestive. That complaint came from 1956.
A federal court ruled this week that giving the middle finger to a police officer is protected speech under the Constitution. Also, your finger cannot be made to testify against itself. Fingers have rights.
And finally, George Lucas got engaged to his longtime girlfriend this week...
Have a great weekend!
Hormel, the makers of SPAM just bought Skippy Peanut Butter. It is unclear what their endgame is, but it's fairly clear that it would have killed Elvis.
Speaking of Elvis, a high school in Utah had to cancel a musical based on his songs after a complaint was lodged that the music was too sexually suggestive. That complaint came from 1956.
A federal court ruled this week that giving the middle finger to a police officer is protected speech under the Constitution. Also, your finger cannot be made to testify against itself. Fingers have rights.
And finally, George Lucas got engaged to his longtime girlfriend this week...
- Their wedding band will be the Mos Eisley Cantina band.
- George is writing his own vows. Aintitcool.com has already posted a leaked copy.
- The bride and groom for the top of the cake will be manufactured by Hasbro.
- Liberal use of CGI on the honeymoon video. And a pointless appearance by Jar-Jar Binks.
Have a great weekend!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 12, 2011
Goodness, goodness. It's Thursday, which means I'm all out of banter. But I've got eight more jokes before I bid you abiento.
So, Osama Bin Laden is still dead, which means, among other things, Al Qaida is without a leader. Yeah, it's very sad. There's a rumor now going around that they may not name a new leader to take Bin Laden's place. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said "aw, come on. You're no fun. What's the point of having all these guns... oh, nevermind."
Yesterday, former congressman Newt Gingrich announced he will be running for President in 2012. First on his agenda: building a time machine to go back to 1995, when he was still relevant.
Speaking of totally relevant politicians, Senator John Kerry is heading to Pakistan to calm diplomatic tensions with the United States. His plan is to speak for several minutes publicly in Islamabad, at which point it is assumed that the entire country will be too bored to cause any trouble.
This week in sporting news, Qatar was accused of bribing jurors who evaluated their bid for the 2022 World Cup. A representative from the royal family said "oh, is that not a thing we're supposed to do? So sorry! Here, have some bars of gold."
Elsewhere in the Middle East, Iran delayed an espionage trial for three American hikers. Apparently it's harder to manufacture evidence than they thought. Right, NASA?
At the Kansas City airport recently, a TSA screening agent gave a full pat down to a baby. Now, I'm all for safety, but if a baby is able to hijack a plane, then I think the baby gets to keep it.
Google announced this week that their Android operating system is being used to control actual robots. So, just be careful how you use that search function, and make sure you don't accidentally hit "search and destroy." Also, I can't wait for a robot in my house that constantly spews out targeted advertising any time I ask it a question.
And lastly, the great state of Florida outlawed bestiality this year. Kudos, Florida, for taking such a tough stand. However, and you might have heard this, the law is written to ban all sex with animals. Why is this a big deal? Well, humans are animals. That's one thing I remember from Biology class. So now, anyone who wants to get their freak on had best find a Google robot. Seriously, though, anyone fixing this law will first have to come out *against* the anti-bestiality legislation. So, good luck, Florida. Looks like you've screwed yourselves, which is, it turns out, illegal... oh well. I hear Georgia's nice.
A'ight, that's all you get from me this week. Stick around for Spencer and Earnest, and I'll see you next week! Tell your friends all about us, and have a great day!
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