Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 13, 2011

Hey, how about Buffalo? Did you know they have their own bread? It's called "weck." Yep. That's a true story. Everyone else calls it a Kaiser roll. Isn't it amazing what you can learn when you get stuck at the Buffalo airport? Oh, and also, you can write jokes. Jokes like these:

Schools in southern California are reporting a surge in tuba thefts. Police are looking for suspicious people with tuba-shaped bulges under their shirts.

Biologists have finally discovered how large birds, like the ostrich and emu, are able to sustain erections without blood flowing to the member. One of the proud discoverers said of the announcement, “Yep, we figured it out. Now can we please stop studying bird erections?”

Speaking of bird boners, Fear Factor is back on NBC, forcing contestants to confront their fears and endure disgusting trials for big cash prizes. On next week’s premier, contestants will be forced to watch an entire episode of Whitney.

Election observers in the Ivory Coast reported a low turnout in their recent parliamentary elections. But come on, turnout is always low for elections in non-coup years.

Last week, a judge ordered a French man who is obsessed with Kirsten Dunst to stay away from the actress. And to make sure this obsession ends, the stalker will be forced to watch Spider-Man 3 and Elizabethtown. That should take care of it.

Speaking of particle physics, the Higgs boson particle was finally seen at the Large Hadron Colider. It was spotted with Ryan Reynolds, but then again, who hasn’t been?

Remember Lindsay Lohan? She said recently that she realizes now she should have listened more to people offering her advice, and that she could have avoided most of her problems if she’d just made better decisions. The full interview will be published in next month’s issue of No Shit magazine.

And finally, North Korea warned South Korea not to put up Christmas lights on a South Korean observation tower at the Demilitarized Zone, saying that such a display would cause “unexpected consequences.” In case you were wondering, that is what a War on Christmas actually looks like. Happy Holidays, people.

Yep. That ends Tuesday's blog. More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day.

Thursday Morning Monologue - December 1, 2011

Guess what? It's Thursday! Can you see the light at the end of the week? Does it look like it's shining through the bottom of a pint glass? Then let's get through this quick as a bunny. Is that a saying? I don't know. Have some jokes.

Good news, people who love history to repeat! China lowered their bank reserve ratio, allowing banks to lend more money out, thus lowering the bar for lenders thus making it easier for people with poor credit ratings to get... oh, I see what you did there, China.

Speaking of money, Israel just released $100million in tax revenue they had been withholding from the Palestinian authority. Way to fight stereotypes, Israel.

Good news! More American children have health insurance than they did a year ago! Bad news. More kids now rely on free school lunches than ever before. Well, at least they have health insurance to treat all the diabetes they're going to get from school lunches.

Hey, technology! NASA is launching an app store! It's like a regular app store, but everything costs $4billion and when the apps crash they can't be relaunched.

Medicine! Doctors in America are studying possible medicinal uses for hallucinogens for treating mental health issues like post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and an inability to fully appreciate laserlight Pink Floyd shows.

In Christmas news, Rockafeller center welcomed a giant Spruce from Mifflinville, Pennsylvania. So that's how you get out of Mifflinville, Pennsylvania.

In India, a disgruntled snake charmer released dozens of snakes in a local tax office, apparently protesting a tax hike on ridiculous stereotypes. Also, that's some serious dedication to a protest. Pretty sure if the Occupy protesters had a bunch of snakes, the cops would have stayed the hell away.

And finally, AMR, the parent company of American Airlines, filed for bankruptcy protection. The company vowed, however, to make sure the reorganization process in no way prevents them from delaying your flight.

And that ends the jokes. I hope your December gets off to a great start! Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks joy, and I'll see you on Monday.