Yahoo! Mail Classic is shutting down today, so you might want to let your parents know.
Kim Kardashian revealed she is expecting a baby girl, while Kanye said he is still expecting the world to revolve around him. Because he's a big baby.
Angelina Jolie made her first public appearance this weekend since her double-mastectomy. When asked about her former bosom, Jolie said it felt great to get it off her chest. Because it would have probably killed her if she hadn't.
The new film adaptation of The Great Gatsby has proved to be a huge money-maker at the box office. Although there is some speculation that the film will eventually be found dead, floating in a swimming pool filled with its own hubris.
In the UK, the Labour [sic] Party vowed to take on "iron discipline" in making budget cuts. Also, that "iron" from the discipline will be sold off as scrap.
Indiana Pacers' Roy Hibbert was fined $75,000 for using a gay slur and an expletive during a recent press conference. That breaks down to $25,000 for the slur, $25,000 for the expletive, and $25,000 for making it that much harder to root against the Heat.
Alcoholic beverages may soon come with nutritional information labels, because alcohol isn't naturally depressing enough.
President Obama said recently that the economy is "showing signs of strength." He then added "not actual strength, just signs of strength. Wouldn't that be nice, though..."
And finally, the United Nations has found no increase in cancer rates in Japan following the Fukushima disaster. And so far, no new Godzilla sightings. So, keep your fingers crossed!
/end
Showing posts with label angelina jolie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label angelina jolie. Show all posts
Monday, June 3, 2013
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - November 19, 2012
Senate Republicans are demanding that Ambassador Rice testify before Congress over misinformation she may have spread related to events in the middle east. "I'm not an ambassador," said Condoleeza Rice.
President Obama recently visited Myanmar, defending his choice to visit the repressive, undemocratic nation by saying that the trip was not an endorsement of the current regime and was intended to spread democracy. He went on to say that if it works in Myanmar, he might even try visiting Florida.
A judge in California ruled against Nicollette Sheridan's wrongful termination lawsuit against producers of Desperate Housewives. Furthermore, she was forced to pay a hefty fine for making the people continue to think about Desperate Housewives.
San Francisco city council is considering a ban on public nudity, which must mean that the population is finally getting older.
The University of Tennessee just fired its football coach. Probably because they didn't want to pay for his healthcare costs. Thanks a lot, Obama.
Governor Bobby Jindal said this weekend that the key to the GOP regaining power and relevance in American politics is to simply start liking people again. In response, former Vice President Dick Cheney told him to go fuck himself.
Actress Shannon Elizabeth is the new spokesperson for Farm Sanctuary's adopt-a-turkey program. She's hoping to become the Angelina Jolie of turkeys.
And finally, in Scotland archaeologists found evidence of a 10,000 year old dwelling, giving strong evidence to suggest that humanity has been suffering from clinical depression far longer than originally thought.
That's it!
President Obama recently visited Myanmar, defending his choice to visit the repressive, undemocratic nation by saying that the trip was not an endorsement of the current regime and was intended to spread democracy. He went on to say that if it works in Myanmar, he might even try visiting Florida.
A judge in California ruled against Nicollette Sheridan's wrongful termination lawsuit against producers of Desperate Housewives. Furthermore, she was forced to pay a hefty fine for making the people continue to think about Desperate Housewives.
San Francisco city council is considering a ban on public nudity, which must mean that the population is finally getting older.
The University of Tennessee just fired its football coach. Probably because they didn't want to pay for his healthcare costs. Thanks a lot, Obama.
Governor Bobby Jindal said this weekend that the key to the GOP regaining power and relevance in American politics is to simply start liking people again. In response, former Vice President Dick Cheney told him to go fuck himself.
Actress Shannon Elizabeth is the new spokesperson for Farm Sanctuary's adopt-a-turkey program. She's hoping to become the Angelina Jolie of turkeys.
And finally, in Scotland archaeologists found evidence of a 10,000 year old dwelling, giving strong evidence to suggest that humanity has been suffering from clinical depression far longer than originally thought.
That's it!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Friday Morning Podcast - April 13, 2012
Once again, I'm coming at you with some podcasty goodness. Take a listen here:
And here's some spicy shots for you:
 |
| Special guest co-host: Spike the Cat |
 |
| Ginger. Very spicy. |
 |
| Mortar + Pestle = thoroughly ground curry powder |
 |
| Curry powder! |
 |
| The end result! Ish. |
 |
| Angelina Jolie as Evelyn Salt. Is she eating nightshade-free curry? Seems unlikely, but let's go ahead and say yes. |
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 5, 2011
Welcome to the great unbounded middle of the week. Can you feel it? Can you feel yourself riding the crest of the wave? If you can, you might want to make sure you're not actually surfing while reading this, as you might hurt yourself. Just a thought. Now let's look at jokes and stuff.
Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney called the Occupy Wall Street protest "class warfare." He then invested millions of dollars in foreign factories selling cheap goods to unemployed American workers and chalked it up to "rational self-interest." Then he kicked a puppy.
In other economic warfare news, China is threatening a trade war over American legislation aimed at getting China to re-value their currency. I hope China realizes that most of our financial disagreements end up getting settled with pepper spray these days.
Back to the GOP race, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie finally said yesterday that he will not be running for President in 2012 because of his commitment to New Jersey. Christie said he'll likely be through destroying the state in time for the 2016 race, though.
Johnny Depp revealed that when he was a broke, struggling actor, he would go to Scientology sessions for the $3 cash gift at the end. Oh, so The Tourist wasn't the first time you did something awful for money?
In other Johnny Depp news, the famed actor and religious icon said recently that having his picture taken is like being raped. It should be noted, in his defense, that he is almost always photographed by rapists.
In Detroit, the underpants bomber had a violent outburst during his trial yesterday, shouting about the U.S. being a cancer, blah blah blah. The judge then got to say "keep your pants on," which is of course what we were all thinking.
In Africa, Namibians celebrated this week as 20 skulls were returned from Germany, where they were brought over 100 years ago to be used in racist scientific experiments. So, even when Germany does something nice, it's still creepy as hell? Okay, just wanted to be clear.
And lastly, Angelina Jolie is considering a new role with the United Nations, but she'll need full script approval and points on the back end.
Okay, I think that's all I can do. Are we having fun yet? Hope so!
More stuff tomorrow! Till then, have a great day!
Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney called the Occupy Wall Street protest "class warfare." He then invested millions of dollars in foreign factories selling cheap goods to unemployed American workers and chalked it up to "rational self-interest." Then he kicked a puppy.
In other economic warfare news, China is threatening a trade war over American legislation aimed at getting China to re-value their currency. I hope China realizes that most of our financial disagreements end up getting settled with pepper spray these days.
Back to the GOP race, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie finally said yesterday that he will not be running for President in 2012 because of his commitment to New Jersey. Christie said he'll likely be through destroying the state in time for the 2016 race, though.
Johnny Depp revealed that when he was a broke, struggling actor, he would go to Scientology sessions for the $3 cash gift at the end. Oh, so The Tourist wasn't the first time you did something awful for money?
In other Johnny Depp news, the famed actor and religious icon said recently that having his picture taken is like being raped. It should be noted, in his defense, that he is almost always photographed by rapists.
In Detroit, the underpants bomber had a violent outburst during his trial yesterday, shouting about the U.S. being a cancer, blah blah blah. The judge then got to say "keep your pants on," which is of course what we were all thinking.
In Africa, Namibians celebrated this week as 20 skulls were returned from Germany, where they were brought over 100 years ago to be used in racist scientific experiments. So, even when Germany does something nice, it's still creepy as hell? Okay, just wanted to be clear.
And lastly, Angelina Jolie is considering a new role with the United Nations, but she'll need full script approval and points on the back end.
Okay, I think that's all I can do. Are we having fun yet? Hope so!
More stuff tomorrow! Till then, have a great day!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 21, 2011
Well, well, well, if it isn't Tuesday. How boring. Here are some jokes to spice it up.
Sunday night, the Miss USA Pageant crowned Miss California as the new Miss USA, assuming she's never taken nude photos or anything. It's worth noting that she was one of only two contestants who said they believe in evolution. In that sense, the Miss USA Pageant is just like a Republican primary debate. That, and the fact that nothing of any importance was decided. MISS AMERICA RULES, MISS USA DROOLS!
Speaking of ladies, human rights activists are petitioning US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to come to the aid of women attempting to drive in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they got a flat tire.
In more ladynews, the Supreme Court of the United States dismissed a gender-discrimination class action suit against Wal-Mart, partly because there were too many plaintiffs for the court to handle. In Serbia, Ratko Mladic is kicking himself for not taking the same route.
In Italy, actress and role model Angelina Jolie visited refugees from Tunisia and Libya. To acknowledge their bravery, she then apologized for The Tourist. At least in my heart she did.
It turns out that drug smugglers are using submarines to move cocaine from South America into the United States. You know, taking drugs may be for losers, but selling drugs is clearly for self-motivated, Type-A problem solvers.
In other winner news, Marilyn Monroe's dress from The Seven Year Itch just sold for $4.6 million at auction this week. Looks like someone's putting together the Halloween costume early this year!
Speaking of hot little numbers, Senator John McCain of Arizona said that there is strong evidence that illegal immigrants are responsible for wildfires tearing across the state. Well, if there's strong evidence that foreigners are coming here and harming us, maybe we should inva-- oh, hey, wait a minute! You almost got me again, you sneaky old fuck!
And lastly, a Japanese scientist made fake meat out of sewage containing feces, because of course he did. In an unrelated story, Jack In The Box is expanding in Tokyo.
Ending on a poop joke? OF COURSE! Well, this may be the wrong time to mention it, but it's a good season for fresh fruit. Just make sure you, um, you know, wash it first...
Have a great day! See you tomorrow!
Sunday night, the Miss USA Pageant crowned Miss California as the new Miss USA, assuming she's never taken nude photos or anything. It's worth noting that she was one of only two contestants who said they believe in evolution. In that sense, the Miss USA Pageant is just like a Republican primary debate. That, and the fact that nothing of any importance was decided. MISS AMERICA RULES, MISS USA DROOLS!
Speaking of ladies, human rights activists are petitioning US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to come to the aid of women attempting to drive in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they got a flat tire.
In more ladynews, the Supreme Court of the United States dismissed a gender-discrimination class action suit against Wal-Mart, partly because there were too many plaintiffs for the court to handle. In Serbia, Ratko Mladic is kicking himself for not taking the same route.
In Italy, actress and role model Angelina Jolie visited refugees from Tunisia and Libya. To acknowledge their bravery, she then apologized for The Tourist. At least in my heart she did.
It turns out that drug smugglers are using submarines to move cocaine from South America into the United States. You know, taking drugs may be for losers, but selling drugs is clearly for self-motivated, Type-A problem solvers.
In other winner news, Marilyn Monroe's dress from The Seven Year Itch just sold for $4.6 million at auction this week. Looks like someone's putting together the Halloween costume early this year!
Speaking of hot little numbers, Senator John McCain of Arizona said that there is strong evidence that illegal immigrants are responsible for wildfires tearing across the state. Well, if there's strong evidence that foreigners are coming here and harming us, maybe we should inva-- oh, hey, wait a minute! You almost got me again, you sneaky old fuck!
And lastly, a Japanese scientist made fake meat out of sewage containing feces, because of course he did. In an unrelated story, Jack In The Box is expanding in Tokyo.
Ending on a poop joke? OF COURSE! Well, this may be the wrong time to mention it, but it's a good season for fresh fruit. Just make sure you, um, you know, wash it first...
Have a great day! See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 30, 2011
Shall we?
International movie star George Clooney and famed footballer Christian Ronaldo have been called as witnesses in Silvio Berlusconi's trial for underage prostitution. Thank goodness the trial isn't turning into some sort of circus.
Speaking of circuses, a recent poll found that a majority of Americans think music and hair phenom Justin Bieber will be in rehab by the time he's 30. But he's always been so determined and such a hardworker, he can probably get there by 23 if he really tries.
On the Internet, Facebook removed an "intifada" group page from the website recently, saying that hate speech like that would not be allowed on the site, unless it's directed at the gay community.
In an unrelated story, Perez Hilton signed a deal for a children's book. He said he's excited about the challenge of writing up to a 3rd grade reading level. When asked about the demands of the book, Mr. Hilton said "I think I can. I think I can. Hey, that's pretty good! I should write that down!"
Hoping to put the "Birther" controversy to rest, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty said yesterday that President Obama was born in USA, and not in some other country. Unfortunately, no one was able to stay awake through the end of the statement.
The U.S. Supreme Court will soon hear a gender-discrimination case against Wal-Mart, wherein the plaintiffs claim Wal-Mart's female employees were underpaid. A spokesman for the company said "this is ridiculous. We've never singled women out for reduced pay! We don't want to pay anyone anything at all, regardless of race, gender or any of that crap. Seriously, we just hate our workers and wish we didn't have to pay them. Wouldn't that be nice?"
California authorities recently raided a house where pregnant Chinese women came to give birth to their babies, thus making the babies American. It's thought that by giving them American citizenship, they'll be less likely to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.
And finally, a Wisconsin judge has blocked the implementation of the recent union-busting bill signed into law by Governor Scott Walker. Walker responded by declaring it "opposite day" and enforcing the law anyway.
That's all for now. Have a great Wednesday and share us with your friends!
International movie star George Clooney and famed footballer Christian Ronaldo have been called as witnesses in Silvio Berlusconi's trial for underage prostitution. Thank goodness the trial isn't turning into some sort of circus.
Speaking of circuses, a recent poll found that a majority of Americans think music and hair phenom Justin Bieber will be in rehab by the time he's 30. But he's always been so determined and such a hardworker, he can probably get there by 23 if he really tries.
On the Internet, Facebook removed an "intifada" group page from the website recently, saying that hate speech like that would not be allowed on the site, unless it's directed at the gay community.
In an unrelated story, Perez Hilton signed a deal for a children's book. He said he's excited about the challenge of writing up to a 3rd grade reading level. When asked about the demands of the book, Mr. Hilton said "I think I can. I think I can. Hey, that's pretty good! I should write that down!"
Hoping to put the "Birther" controversy to rest, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty said yesterday that President Obama was born in USA, and not in some other country. Unfortunately, no one was able to stay awake through the end of the statement.
The U.S. Supreme Court will soon hear a gender-discrimination case against Wal-Mart, wherein the plaintiffs claim Wal-Mart's female employees were underpaid. A spokesman for the company said "this is ridiculous. We've never singled women out for reduced pay! We don't want to pay anyone anything at all, regardless of race, gender or any of that crap. Seriously, we just hate our workers and wish we didn't have to pay them. Wouldn't that be nice?"
California authorities recently raided a house where pregnant Chinese women came to give birth to their babies, thus making the babies American. It's thought that by giving them American citizenship, they'll be less likely to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.
And finally, a Wisconsin judge has blocked the implementation of the recent union-busting bill signed into law by Governor Scott Walker. Walker responded by declaring it "opposite day" and enforcing the law anyway.
That's all for now. Have a great Wednesday and share us with your friends!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)