Greek workers recently staged a 24-hour anti-austerity protest. If they could just get sponsors for these things, the who economic crisis would be wrapped up in no time.
In the Gowanus neighborhood of Brooklyn, many residents are resisting plans from the EPA to clean up the toxic Gowanus Canal. They're still convinced they can just gentrify the pollution right out of the canal.
Also, it's vintage sludge. Very hard to come by. Because it's been outlawed.
Buzzfeed is taking steps to build up an international reporting presence, which must mean that Lindsay Lohan got her passport back.
This week, the makers of the world's first homemade, fully-plastic gun conducted a test-fire of the weapon, produced by 3D printing. Industry analysts don't expect this to impact the level of guns available in America, however, as none of know how to hook up a printer.
In New York, an escaped convict shut down multiple train lines during rush hour this week, or at least that's the excuse they picked this time.
Elsewhere in New York, a state senator was accused of illegally using funds from foreclosed property sales to fund his failed campaign for Attorney General. The whole plan probably would have gone better if he hadn't kept promising to "get himself off the streets" if elected.
Thanks to a recent ruling by California's highest court, cities can now ban pot dispensaries. Well, maybe it wasn't the "highest" court after all.
And finally, cicadas are all over the east coast. The annoying bugs are mating, eating everything, and making a terrible, annoying noise. It's pretty much like Coachella.
That's it!
Showing posts with label brooklyn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label brooklyn. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Friday Morning Monologue - July 6, 2012
Hi, y'all! It's almost the weekend! Can you taste it? If so, you should go see a doctor, because you're probably having a gustatory hallucination, and that needs to be checked out. And while you wait, you should enjoy these jokes!
Investigators found that a Japanese anesthesiologist fabricated results in 179 medical studies. And feels absolutely no guilt. Or anything else, for that matter.
In Pennsylvania, a deadbeat dad was arrested after being tricked into showing up for a part in a fake Jennifer Aniston movie. This is good news all around, as the jerk is going to have to pay $32,000 in back child support. But best of all, there's not really a new Jennifer Aniston movie.
Wes Scantlin, lead singer for Puddle of Mudd, plead guilty to cocaine possession this week, confirming once again that cocaine is not cool.
Nigeria will not be sending a government delegation to the Olympics this year, hoping to keep athletes focused and, according to the nation's Sports Minister, "cut down on jamborees from previous years." The move was met with immediate criticism from the Nigerian Ministry of Jamborees.
An art student at Brigham Young University created a giant balloon sculpture of NBA star LeBron James. The sculpture will be on ESPN tonight to announce it is leaving for a more exciting and profitable university on the east coast.
Los Angeles' recent law requiring pornographic film actors to use condoms will be headed to the ballots, it seems. Complimentary ballots will be made available in most bar restrooms.
French police raided Nicolas Sarkozy's home and offices on Tuesday, looking for evidence of involvement in illegal activities. Also raided: his wife's panty drawer.
She's hot.
And finally, the New Jersey Nets are moving to their new stadium in Brooklyn. Look for them to become way more liberal, grow dumbass mustaches brag about how many vegetables their stupid CSA produces. Stupid jerks.
Have a great weekend, y'all!
Investigators found that a Japanese anesthesiologist fabricated results in 179 medical studies. And feels absolutely no guilt. Or anything else, for that matter.
In Pennsylvania, a deadbeat dad was arrested after being tricked into showing up for a part in a fake Jennifer Aniston movie. This is good news all around, as the jerk is going to have to pay $32,000 in back child support. But best of all, there's not really a new Jennifer Aniston movie.
Wes Scantlin, lead singer for Puddle of Mudd, plead guilty to cocaine possession this week, confirming once again that cocaine is not cool.
Nigeria will not be sending a government delegation to the Olympics this year, hoping to keep athletes focused and, according to the nation's Sports Minister, "cut down on jamborees from previous years." The move was met with immediate criticism from the Nigerian Ministry of Jamborees.
An art student at Brigham Young University created a giant balloon sculpture of NBA star LeBron James. The sculpture will be on ESPN tonight to announce it is leaving for a more exciting and profitable university on the east coast.
Los Angeles' recent law requiring pornographic film actors to use condoms will be headed to the ballots, it seems. Complimentary ballots will be made available in most bar restrooms.
French police raided Nicolas Sarkozy's home and offices on Tuesday, looking for evidence of involvement in illegal activities. Also raided: his wife's panty drawer.
She's hot.
And finally, the New Jersey Nets are moving to their new stadium in Brooklyn. Look for them to become way more liberal, grow dumbass mustaches brag about how many vegetables their stupid CSA produces. Stupid jerks.
Have a great weekend, y'all!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - April 26, 2012
Good times are here again, people. It's Ladies' Night here at Late Night Morning, so help yourself to some shitty beer. I don't even know what that means. Let's dance! I mean, how about some jokes?
A medical researcher claims to have located the G-Spot, according to an article in next months's Journal of American Bragging.
Sources close to John Edwards say that he at first doubted that his love child was his, until he found out that the baby was cheating on a cancer patient. Runs in families.
In Bavaria, public schools may reintroduce passages of Hitler's book, Mein Kampf. I just hope that no one goes crazy and starts burning big piles of copies of the book, because I'm fairly certain that much irony would turn Germany into Brooklyn.
Rupert Murdoch said yesterday that phone hacking is "lazy" journalism, which is why he only employs journalists who go the extra mile and make shit up.
He also said that he has never had any political influence on British politicians. He then went on to deny the existence of bear droppings in the woods.
Actor Jason Segel complained recently that the head of a movie studio ordered him to lose weight for a film. The executive also cut his pay by 25% and demanded that he menstruate every four weeks.
Donald Trump demanded that Scotland cancel plans for an offshore wind farm near one of his golfing resorts. Either he's just trying to protect his combover, or Trump just wants to be the biggest windbag in the area.
And finally, Newt Gingrich will be suspending his Presidential campaign next week due to the fact that he's run out of books to sell. Better luck next time, Newt!
That's all for now! Maybe there'll be a podcast tomorrow, though. Wouldn't that be neat?! Till then, or whenever, have a great day!
A medical researcher claims to have located the G-Spot, according to an article in next months's Journal of American Bragging.
Sources close to John Edwards say that he at first doubted that his love child was his, until he found out that the baby was cheating on a cancer patient. Runs in families.
In Bavaria, public schools may reintroduce passages of Hitler's book, Mein Kampf. I just hope that no one goes crazy and starts burning big piles of copies of the book, because I'm fairly certain that much irony would turn Germany into Brooklyn.
Rupert Murdoch said yesterday that phone hacking is "lazy" journalism, which is why he only employs journalists who go the extra mile and make shit up.
He also said that he has never had any political influence on British politicians. He then went on to deny the existence of bear droppings in the woods.
Actor Jason Segel complained recently that the head of a movie studio ordered him to lose weight for a film. The executive also cut his pay by 25% and demanded that he menstruate every four weeks.
Donald Trump demanded that Scotland cancel plans for an offshore wind farm near one of his golfing resorts. Either he's just trying to protect his combover, or Trump just wants to be the biggest windbag in the area.
And finally, Newt Gingrich will be suspending his Presidential campaign next week due to the fact that he's run out of books to sell. Better luck next time, Newt!
That's all for now! Maybe there'll be a podcast tomorrow, though. Wouldn't that be neat?! Till then, or whenever, have a great day!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 12, 2011
Hi everybody. I'm all bantered out right now. So let's just have some jokes.
In an interview this week, tennis star and fitness guru Anna Kournikova said she may never marry her longtime beau, Enrique Iglesias. Finally, something she and I have in common.
In political news, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie endorsed Mitt Romney for the GOP presidential nomination yesterday, which will make the campaign more difficult for Governor Christie when he eventually decides to run this year.
In happier news, model/actress Naomi Nelson and actor/stuntman Johnny Knoxville welcomed their first daughter, Arlo, this week. Her birth was overseen by a midget in a giant dog costume filled with snakes. And they were all on fire.
Former LOST star Evangeline Lilly said this week that when she gave birth, she was in labor for 30 hours straight. She said she didn't mind, though, because after all that time and emotional investment there was a great payoff. She was unfamiliar with that sensation before.
In other baby news, Brooklyn artist Marni Kotak is planning to give birth at an art gallery, in front of an audience. No word yet which gallery will host that child's eventual psychotherapy.
Wal-Mart unveiled a new Facebook app designed to give users detailed information about deals at their nearest Wal-Mart store. The app was programmed, of course, in China.
Tracy Morgan went on the Late Show and told host David Letterman this week that the uproar over his homophobic jokes in concert this summer was a "big, big misunderstanding." He went on to explain "yeah, gay people aren't very smart. So of course they misunderstood. What? No, don't edit this out!"
And finally, a Texas man was arrested for hitting his wife because she didn't "Like" his Facebook status update. In her defense, his status update was "About to hit my wife in teh face! #winning!" As a result of the attack, he'll be spending some time in prison, where he will probably get "Poked." Maybe even "Super Poked."
Yeah, I'm not sure how to feel about that one. Whatever. It's a numbers game. No one bats 1.000. Unless they get a hit their first at bat and then retire. Maybe it's happened once, but where's the fun in that? Anyway, that's all for now! Come back tomorrow, why don't you?
Till then, have a great day!
In an interview this week, tennis star and fitness guru Anna Kournikova said she may never marry her longtime beau, Enrique Iglesias. Finally, something she and I have in common.
In political news, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie endorsed Mitt Romney for the GOP presidential nomination yesterday, which will make the campaign more difficult for Governor Christie when he eventually decides to run this year.
In happier news, model/actress Naomi Nelson and actor/stuntman Johnny Knoxville welcomed their first daughter, Arlo, this week. Her birth was overseen by a midget in a giant dog costume filled with snakes. And they were all on fire.
Former LOST star Evangeline Lilly said this week that when she gave birth, she was in labor for 30 hours straight. She said she didn't mind, though, because after all that time and emotional investment there was a great payoff. She was unfamiliar with that sensation before.
In other baby news, Brooklyn artist Marni Kotak is planning to give birth at an art gallery, in front of an audience. No word yet which gallery will host that child's eventual psychotherapy.
Wal-Mart unveiled a new Facebook app designed to give users detailed information about deals at their nearest Wal-Mart store. The app was programmed, of course, in China.
Tracy Morgan went on the Late Show and told host David Letterman this week that the uproar over his homophobic jokes in concert this summer was a "big, big misunderstanding." He went on to explain "yeah, gay people aren't very smart. So of course they misunderstood. What? No, don't edit this out!"
And finally, a Texas man was arrested for hitting his wife because she didn't "Like" his Facebook status update. In her defense, his status update was "About to hit my wife in teh face! #winning!" As a result of the attack, he'll be spending some time in prison, where he will probably get "Poked." Maybe even "Super Poked."
Yeah, I'm not sure how to feel about that one. Whatever. It's a numbers game. No one bats 1.000. Unless they get a hit their first at bat and then retire. Maybe it's happened once, but where's the fun in that? Anyway, that's all for now! Come back tomorrow, why don't you?
Till then, have a great day!
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