A team of scientists just built a machine that can identify a piece of Western music after hearing just three notes. Next, the team will build a machine that can identify a use for the previous machine.
A recent survey of human resources departments revealed that 1 out of 10 people between the ages of 16 to 34 have been denied jobs because of inappropriate comments made on social networking sites. The other 9 were denied jobs because the economy is so shitty.
Motorola announced a new factory in Texas, where they will make the first American smartphones. They also announced plans for a great big time machine to send the phones back to 2004, when people still wanted Motorola phones.
Derek Jeter was back on the field today, playing catch after having his immobilizing boot removed from his foot. Apparently Jeter was parked illegally in a handicapped space over night.
Physicists working for the National Institute of Standards and Technology have created the world's most accurate clock. Or is it? No, it is. It can tell you, to the millisecond, when the next episode of Dr. Who will air.
Following a concerted effort from feminist groups, Facebook agreed to take down pages promoting violence and hate speech. And replaced 'em with pages about nagging, amirite?
But seriously, Facebook specifically targeted pages glorifying domestic violence and removed them from the network. In a related story, Chris Brown and Roman Polanski are all over Myspace now.
A penguin briefly escaped its enclosure at SeaWorld recently. It took quite a while to find the little fellow, as he blended in perfectly with the guests for the annual black tie benefit gala.
The Global Commission on Drug Policy warned that the "war on drugs," and intravenous drugs in particular, is actually fueling a worldwide pandemic of hepatitis C. And Tommy Lee isn't helping.
That's all!
Showing posts with label penguin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label penguin. Show all posts
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - August 25, 2001
One word: jokes.
Authorities in Arizona have charged two campers with sparking massive wildfires that ravaged the state this summer. The state has also preemptively declared them "Mexican."
Bad news today for crappy movies as a proposed "Ouija" movie was cancelled in a clear indication that sometimes God does listen to prayers.
In Kentucky, a jury threw out a lawsuit against a doctor who performed an emergency penis amputation on a patient who went in for a circumcision. When asked for reaction, the plaintiff said, "wow, this is a real kick in the stump."
Speaking of Dicks, former Vice President Dick Cheney said that his upcoming book will have "heads exploding" in Washington, DC. I really hope that's a metaphor.
Beer maker Heineken saw a steep sales slump this quarter. The leadership is so freaked out by the horrible sales, they even briefly considered making a beer that tasted good.
Paris Hilton's new reality show was cancelled, in yet another clear sign that God is listening to my prayers.
Following the east coast earthquake on Tuesday, many Californians took to social media networks to mock the reaction of east coast residents. Meanwhile, Los Angeles shut down after someone thought they felt rain falling on their arms.
And finally, this week a penguin visiting the set of Fox and Friends peed on Brian Kilmeade's shoe in another clear indication that COME ON, THIS IS GETTING FREAKY!
Okay, that's the end. Spencer is here tomorrow, and my new deodorant held up just fine, thank you very much. See you soon!
Till then, have a great week!
Authorities in Arizona have charged two campers with sparking massive wildfires that ravaged the state this summer. The state has also preemptively declared them "Mexican."
Bad news today for crappy movies as a proposed "Ouija" movie was cancelled in a clear indication that sometimes God does listen to prayers.
In Kentucky, a jury threw out a lawsuit against a doctor who performed an emergency penis amputation on a patient who went in for a circumcision. When asked for reaction, the plaintiff said, "wow, this is a real kick in the stump."
Speaking of Dicks, former Vice President Dick Cheney said that his upcoming book will have "heads exploding" in Washington, DC. I really hope that's a metaphor.
Beer maker Heineken saw a steep sales slump this quarter. The leadership is so freaked out by the horrible sales, they even briefly considered making a beer that tasted good.
Paris Hilton's new reality show was cancelled, in yet another clear sign that God is listening to my prayers.
Following the east coast earthquake on Tuesday, many Californians took to social media networks to mock the reaction of east coast residents. Meanwhile, Los Angeles shut down after someone thought they felt rain falling on their arms.
And finally, this week a penguin visiting the set of Fox and Friends peed on Brian Kilmeade's shoe in another clear indication that COME ON, THIS IS GETTING FREAKY!
Okay, that's the end. Spencer is here tomorrow, and my new deodorant held up just fine, thank you very much. See you soon!
Till then, have a great week!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 22, 2011
Happy Wednesday! Every day gets shorter from here on out! Yay, summer! Okay, that's really tiring. Whatever. It's hot. Here's some jokes.
Rapper and actor 50 Cent is writing an anti-bullying book for teens. It's called Quit Picking on that Kid, or I'll Beat You Up.
Prolific musical satirist Weird Al Yankovic released a parody of Lady Gaga this week, which is strange considering that Lady Gaga is now a parody of Lady Gaga.
In aviation news, Virgin Atlantic pilots announced they will go on strike. Air traffic controllers hailed the move, saying "does that mean we get another 15 minutes of sleep?" Ha ha ha, no, it doesn't.
Popular musician Britney Spears kicked off her summer tour this week, and one lucky man from the audience was treated to a lap dance on stage during one of the songs. On the downside though, the dance cost him $20 plus a $10 Ticketmaster surcharge.
Former Oasis bandleader Noel Gallagher is not inviting his brother Liam to his upcoming wedding. It makes sense, though, considering how much trouble it is just having one of those assholes at your wedding. No reason to punish yourself with both.
A young Emperor penguin turned up in New Zealand recently after swimming way, way off course. Veterinarians made sure the animal was in good health, and Peter Jackson immediately added him to the cast of The Hobbit.
Ryan Murphy, the creator of Glee, revealed this week that the characters on his show will age normally and graduate from high school on schedule. So, in that sense, the show is unlike real high schools.
Lastly, in Oregon, a small town dumped 8 million gallons of drinking water from a reservoir after a young man was caught peeing in it. At least he wasn't throwing in a burger from Jack in the Box. BOOM! CALLBACK!
That's all for now! See you again tomorrow!
Eat some fruit and have a great day!
Rapper and actor 50 Cent is writing an anti-bullying book for teens. It's called Quit Picking on that Kid, or I'll Beat You Up.
Prolific musical satirist Weird Al Yankovic released a parody of Lady Gaga this week, which is strange considering that Lady Gaga is now a parody of Lady Gaga.
In aviation news, Virgin Atlantic pilots announced they will go on strike. Air traffic controllers hailed the move, saying "does that mean we get another 15 minutes of sleep?" Ha ha ha, no, it doesn't.
Popular musician Britney Spears kicked off her summer tour this week, and one lucky man from the audience was treated to a lap dance on stage during one of the songs. On the downside though, the dance cost him $20 plus a $10 Ticketmaster surcharge.
Former Oasis bandleader Noel Gallagher is not inviting his brother Liam to his upcoming wedding. It makes sense, though, considering how much trouble it is just having one of those assholes at your wedding. No reason to punish yourself with both.
A young Emperor penguin turned up in New Zealand recently after swimming way, way off course. Veterinarians made sure the animal was in good health, and Peter Jackson immediately added him to the cast of The Hobbit.
Ryan Murphy, the creator of Glee, revealed this week that the characters on his show will age normally and graduate from high school on schedule. So, in that sense, the show is unlike real high schools.
Lastly, in Oregon, a small town dumped 8 million gallons of drinking water from a reservoir after a young man was caught peeing in it. At least he wasn't throwing in a burger from Jack in the Box. BOOM! CALLBACK!
That's all for now! See you again tomorrow!
Eat some fruit and have a great day!
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