Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 7, 2012

Wednesday is here once again. And it's brought you these jokes!

Dunkin' Donuts is reaching into Chinese markets and trying to appeal to local tastes with a new pork donut on the menu. And if all goes well, they'll soon be unveiling their new recipe for bear claws. Made with bear claws.

This next joke isn't a joke so much as a headline that caught my eye. From Politico.com:

Well, can't argue with that.

Speaking of Limbaugh, he got dumped by another radio station. If this keeps up, it will be a good thing. Seriously, though, he's been dumped by almost as many radio stations as he has been by women.

He sucks.

Musician and walking freakout Lady Gaga just broke 20 million followers on Twitter, which is about five times as many Scientologists as there are in the world. That news wouldn't be so disturbing if her next project wasn't a book called Gaganetics.

French President Nicholas Sarkozy says France "has too many foreigners." And he's right. I've been there. It was crawling with all sorts of Europeans. Mainly the French.

Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow will not be on The Bachelor next season. Probably because he's already agreed to be on The Biggest Loser. Yeah, take that, you successful, attractive, happy person. Loser.

Hundreds of comic books were damaged at Pittsburgh's ToonSeum by rain this weekend, which just goes to show that's what happens when you don't take proper care of your things and put them away when you're done! I mean I didn't want for this to happen, but if that's what it takes for you to learn that lesson, better now than later. Now come on, let's throw those moldy things out before you get sick and I'll take you out for a soda.

I don't know where that came from. Sorry.

And finally, Broadway director Julie Taymor claims there was a sinister plot to undermine her during the production of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Producers shot back saying it was ridiculous, that nothing resembling a plot has ever been associated with the show.

And that's what it is! What? That's the end of jokes. Forever. Until tomorrow.

BYE!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 5, 2011

Welcome to the great unbounded middle of the week. Can you feel it? Can you feel yourself riding the crest of the wave? If you can, you might want to make sure you're not actually surfing while reading this, as you might hurt yourself. Just a thought. Now let's look at jokes and stuff.

Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney called the Occupy Wall Street protest "class warfare." He then invested millions of dollars in foreign factories selling cheap goods to unemployed American workers and chalked it up to "rational self-interest." Then he kicked a puppy.

In other economic warfare news, China is threatening a trade war over American legislation aimed at getting China to re-value their currency. I hope China realizes that most of our financial disagreements end up getting settled with pepper spray these days.

Back to the GOP race, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie finally said yesterday that he will not be running for President in 2012 because of his commitment to New Jersey. Christie said he'll likely be through destroying the state in time for the 2016 race, though.

Johnny Depp revealed that when he was a broke, struggling actor, he would go to Scientology sessions for the $3 cash gift at the end. Oh, so The Tourist wasn't the first time you did something awful for money?

In other Johnny Depp news, the famed actor and religious icon said recently that having his picture taken is like being raped. It should be noted, in his defense, that he is almost always photographed by rapists.

In Detroit, the underpants bomber had a violent outburst during his trial yesterday, shouting about the U.S. being a cancer, blah blah blah. The judge then got to say "keep your pants on," which is of course what we were all thinking.

In Africa, Namibians celebrated this week as 20 skulls were returned from Germany, where they were brought over 100 years ago to be used in racist scientific experiments. So, even when Germany does something nice, it's still creepy as hell? Okay, just wanted to be clear.

And lastly, Angelina Jolie is considering a new role with the United Nations, but she'll need full script approval and points on the back end.

Okay, I think that's all I can do. Are we having fun yet? Hope so!

More stuff tomorrow! Till then, have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 24, 2011

It's about time this week had a Wednesday. I'm trying out a new deodorant, and I'm very emotionally invested, so keep your fingers crossed! In the meantime, laugh it up.

Tropical Storm Irene was downgraded on Monday from a Category 2 to a Category 1 storm. Turns out that Irene also supported President Obama's financial regulatory reforms. S&P has gone mad with power. MAAAAAD!!!!

In other disaster news, the east coast was struck by a 5.8 magnitude earthquake, centered in Mineral, Virginia. It was is the result of shifting between tectonic plates, but New York district attorneys are already blaming Nafissatou Diallo for the disturbance.

The quake is similar to earthquakes on the west coast, except it has a better theater scene, wears more black, and never learned how to drive. Oh, New York City is different from Los Angeles! Cutting edge comedy from 1987!

Okay, so there was an earthquake, and a tropical storm is threatening to land on the east coast. What else could go wrong? What's that? Oh, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are moving back? Great. It's like Cloverfield all over again.

In Libya, rebel forces captured Colonel Gadhafi's compound while the Colonel went into hiding. It's like the most dramatic episode of Trading Spaces ever.

An Alaskan mother was arrested for abusing her son in order to get onto the Dr. Phil show, which is strange considering that watching Dr. Phil is considered child abuse.

In other news, former President Bill Clinton became a vegan recently, proving it's never too late to become insufferable. HA! Kidding. Veganism is awesome.

And finally, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett denied rumors they were splitting up. "That's just crazy," Smith said, "unlike Scientology, which is totally cool. Have you read Dianetics? There's some awesome stuff about spaceships in there."

And... scene. More tomorrow? Yes, and then some other stuff, too!

Till then, have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - May 23, 2011

Welcome back to the Internet, friends! What a great weekend, right? It was so great, that I've been left without the ability to banter. Can you believe that? I can barely even make a comment about my new... suncreen. It's spf 100. That's a lot of screening. It's basically an a tube of eclipse. Ain't science grand? Okay, you've been very good to put up with this so far,  so have some jokes.

Speaking of jokes, there was no rapture this weekend, which must really bother Kirk Cameron. No word yet on why the world wasn't destroyed, but I have to assume Dr. Who had something to do with it. You're welcome, nerds. Seriously, though, a lot of people must be super disappointed that the world didn't end. Does Hallmark make a sympathy card for that? But by far, the most troubling thing about this whole apocalypse hooplah is that now Scientology seems much more respectable by comparison. Tom Cruise still gives me the creeps, though. Right?

Speaking of creeps, on 60 Minutes this weekend a former teammate of Lance Armstrong accused the champion cyclist of engaging in doping and encouraging other riders to do the same. In fact, he said that Armstrong led a double life, with one half all about drugs and deceit that nearly ruined his life entirely. Scorsese is interested in the movie rights. His only concern is how to make Robert DeNiro look like a tall, lanky athlete from Texas.

In political news, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels announced he will not be running for President, saying that he has to concentrate on completely ruining Indiana before moving on to the rest of the nation. Maybe 2016...

In other GOP news, former Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain announced he is running for President. He's vowed to do for America what he did Godfather's: drive it into obscurity and bankruptcy.

Hey, Internet, guess what? Lady Gaga uses the Google Chrome web browser. Not really a surprise, though, considering her preferred bra material.

So, you heard about that guy from the International Monetary Fund who might have raped that woman? Or women? Well, he quit that job, and they might have found his replacement. Her name is Christine Lagarde, and she's the French Finance Minister. As Finance Minister, her policies have focused on emerging markets, new technologies, and not raping people. It's a bold new direction.

In lighter news, Family Guy "creator" Seth MacFarlane signed on to create a new Flintstones series for FOX. This should be easy for MacFarlane, considering how well he repackaged The Simpsons as Family Guy. BOOM! Take that, winner!

In America, and nowhere else, a retired prison guard successfully ate his 25,000th Big Mac last week. Yes, that's the record. Thank God. The man ate 25,000 Big Macs over 39 years. That works out to just over 641 Big Macs per year, or 1.75 Big Macs per day, every day, for 39 years. Good thing he doesn't get tired of the same crap, over and over. In a related story, he's looking forward to Seth MacFarlane's new Flintstones series. BOOM! Feel the sting, MacFarlane? You just got dissed in front of upwards of two dozen people and Internet search bots.

Okay, that's all for now. I'm going go put on some sunscreen. I suggest you do the same. And if you feel like it, tell your friends, too. While you're doing that, maybe tell them to check out the jokes?

Anyway, that's all for now. More tomorrow. Till then, have a great day!