Taylor Swift performed for a packed crowd at Soldier Field this weekend. The singer said she loves Chicago, so we should expect an angry song about how the city wronged her sometime next year.
Scientists at the University of Pennsylvania have trained a dog to locate and identify the scent of ovarian cancer in women. The dog is 100% accurate in early tests. This is a big breakthrough for the science of smelling women's crotches.
Speaking of smelling things, workers at JFK airport were sickened by the fumes coming from a mysterious package yesterday. Authorities suspect it was either VX nerve gas, or Ron Artest's gym shorts.
In Switzerland, Oprah Winfrey was shocked when a high-end accessory store refused to show her a $35,000 handbag, saying "you can't afford it." Oprah said it was due to racism, and the store owner claimed it was just a misunderstanding, saying "we didn't understand that black people have money now."
Singer and self-help guru Chris Brown suffered a seizure this weekend. Doctors blame emotional stress and a lack of sleep. Sounds like Chris needs to quit beating himself up about things.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are refusing offers to sell photos of their baby, North. It's not clear if this is to protect North's privacy, or because they just don't want the added competition for the cameras.
A family from Arizona recently attempted to flee the religious persecution they saw in America for Mauritania. They set out on a small boat from San Diego, but were stranded at sea by a series of storms. They were rescued by fisherman and eventually flown home to the U.S., whereupon they realized "oh, right... airplanes."
And finally, The Mars One Project has received 100,000 applications from people hoping to take a one-way trip to colonize Mars. It's also spawned a new reality competition show: "WHO WANTS TO FREEZE TO DEATH ON MARS?" Great television.
Later!
Showing posts with label kim kardashian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kim kardashian. Show all posts
Monday, August 12, 2013
Monday, June 3, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - June 3, 2013
Yahoo! Mail Classic is shutting down today, so you might want to let your parents know.
Kim Kardashian revealed she is expecting a baby girl, while Kanye said he is still expecting the world to revolve around him. Because he's a big baby.
Angelina Jolie made her first public appearance this weekend since her double-mastectomy. When asked about her former bosom, Jolie said it felt great to get it off her chest. Because it would have probably killed her if she hadn't.
The new film adaptation of The Great Gatsby has proved to be a huge money-maker at the box office. Although there is some speculation that the film will eventually be found dead, floating in a swimming pool filled with its own hubris.
In the UK, the Labour [sic] Party vowed to take on "iron discipline" in making budget cuts. Also, that "iron" from the discipline will be sold off as scrap.
Indiana Pacers' Roy Hibbert was fined $75,000 for using a gay slur and an expletive during a recent press conference. That breaks down to $25,000 for the slur, $25,000 for the expletive, and $25,000 for making it that much harder to root against the Heat.
Alcoholic beverages may soon come with nutritional information labels, because alcohol isn't naturally depressing enough.
President Obama said recently that the economy is "showing signs of strength." He then added "not actual strength, just signs of strength. Wouldn't that be nice, though..."
And finally, the United Nations has found no increase in cancer rates in Japan following the Fukushima disaster. And so far, no new Godzilla sightings. So, keep your fingers crossed!
/end
Kim Kardashian revealed she is expecting a baby girl, while Kanye said he is still expecting the world to revolve around him. Because he's a big baby.
Angelina Jolie made her first public appearance this weekend since her double-mastectomy. When asked about her former bosom, Jolie said it felt great to get it off her chest. Because it would have probably killed her if she hadn't.
The new film adaptation of The Great Gatsby has proved to be a huge money-maker at the box office. Although there is some speculation that the film will eventually be found dead, floating in a swimming pool filled with its own hubris.
In the UK, the Labour [sic] Party vowed to take on "iron discipline" in making budget cuts. Also, that "iron" from the discipline will be sold off as scrap.
Indiana Pacers' Roy Hibbert was fined $75,000 for using a gay slur and an expletive during a recent press conference. That breaks down to $25,000 for the slur, $25,000 for the expletive, and $25,000 for making it that much harder to root against the Heat.
Alcoholic beverages may soon come with nutritional information labels, because alcohol isn't naturally depressing enough.
President Obama said recently that the economy is "showing signs of strength." He then added "not actual strength, just signs of strength. Wouldn't that be nice, though..."
And finally, the United Nations has found no increase in cancer rates in Japan following the Fukushima disaster. And so far, no new Godzilla sightings. So, keep your fingers crossed!
/end
Monday, January 7, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 8, 2012
Toyota is now making cars that drive themselves. Saudi Arabia has demanded that Toyota assure them that none of the cars are female. Because ladies can't drive in Saudi Arabia.
The very first CEO of Hulu.com's is finally leaving. He's been with the company since its beginning, but his tenure has been periodically interrupted by commercials for All State insurance.
According to the CDC, 2012 was worst year for whooping cough since 1955. This comes as a serious blow to hipsters who discovered the illness years ago and contracted it back before it became popular.
Doctors studying the norovirus have created a robot that vomits just like a human. All they had to do was take a regular robot and make it pledge a fraternity.
Kim Kardashian is pregnant, so now I'll be ignoring her for two.
The world's first double-hand transplant recipient is healing, and relearning how to hold to hold things this month. Doctors say that once the swelling in her hands goes down the new fingers should still fit nicely into her nose.
A cat was arrested for breaking into a Brazilian prison with contraband items taped to it. If convicted, the cat faces five years in prison, which is like 30 cat years.
And finally, on a flight to New York, a drunken and unruly man was tied up and duct taped to his seat. Or, as United Calls it, "Business Class."
And that's it!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - October 15, 2012
Happy day, everyone! Let's have some frivolity!
American health insurance provider UnitedHealth is expanding into Brazil. A spokesman said the company is thrilled to have the opportunity to deny claims in a whole new country.
In New Jersey, a patron at McDonald's complained about the restaurant constantly playing Fox News. The man was upset at the restaurant for poisoning his mind, when clearly he only wanted to poison his body.
Physicists Serge Haroche and David Wineland won the Nobel Prize last week for their work with quantum particles, even though they've been completely unable to get Sam Beckett back home.
Don't worry, Sam. Ziggy's working on it.
In other news, skydiver Felix Baumgartner dove from the very upper limits of the atmosphere yesterday, falling fast enough to break the sound barrier. And if he didn't take that opportunity to break wind at the same time, then he's a fool.
In sports news, Yankee's manager Joe Girardi was ejected from a game yesterday for arguing with an umpire over a blown call. The manager later said it's time for baseball to start using instant replay technology, because clearly baseball is just getting far too fast paced and needs to slow things down.
In college football news, Alabama and Florida are at the top of the latest BCS standings. Incidentally, that sentence also works if you replace "BCS standings" with "obesity and diabetes."
Speaking of health, Nestle announced they will cut salt and sugar content in all their children's cereals. They will, of course, be replacing it with trace amounts of crystal methamphetamine.
And finally, sources close to Kim Kardashian report that she's already planning her wedding to Kanye West. She's already got the divorce planned.
Did I do that joke already? Oh, who cares.
See you tomorrow!
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - August 20, 2012
Here's some jokes.
The Olympics ended last Sunday, and NBC just finished the last of its delayed broadcast. Now they’ll have to go back to sucking at regular programs for the next four years. They’ve got a new show premiering tonight: “America’s Got No Reason To Watch NBC.”
Doctors recently found a link between blood type and an increased risk of heart disease. Especially if your blood type is “Fatass.”
Did you hear that Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kris Humphries is unlikely to be finalized this year? This means her divorce proceedings will be twice as long as her marriage. Said Kim, “if I knew divorce was such a huge commitment, I probably would have just stayed married.”
The owner of Surfthechannel, a website that streamed illegal copies of television shows, just got sentenced to prison this week. I bet now he wishes he hadn’t watched all those episodes of OZ.
Actress Lindsay Lohan will earn two million dollars in 2012, or as she calls it “half my legal fees.”
Jennifer Aniston is engaged to Justin Theroux, so she’ll be off the market for at least six months.
Reuters reported that U.S. bank examiners ordered American banks to make plans for preventing another collapse like the one in 2008. They then ordered the banks to build a time machine. I’m kidding, of course. U.S. bank examiners can’t order anyone to do anything.
And finally, two New Jersey towns turned down offers to film the next Jersey Shore spinoff, but that’s probably just because the towns weren’t drunk enough yet.
That's all!
The Olympics ended last Sunday, and NBC just finished the last of its delayed broadcast. Now they’ll have to go back to sucking at regular programs for the next four years. They’ve got a new show premiering tonight: “America’s Got No Reason To Watch NBC.”
Doctors recently found a link between blood type and an increased risk of heart disease. Especially if your blood type is “Fatass.”
Did you hear that Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kris Humphries is unlikely to be finalized this year? This means her divorce proceedings will be twice as long as her marriage. Said Kim, “if I knew divorce was such a huge commitment, I probably would have just stayed married.”
The owner of Surfthechannel, a website that streamed illegal copies of television shows, just got sentenced to prison this week. I bet now he wishes he hadn’t watched all those episodes of OZ.
Actress Lindsay Lohan will earn two million dollars in 2012, or as she calls it “half my legal fees.”
Jennifer Aniston is engaged to Justin Theroux, so she’ll be off the market for at least six months.
Reuters reported that U.S. bank examiners ordered American banks to make plans for preventing another collapse like the one in 2008. They then ordered the banks to build a time machine. I’m kidding, of course. U.S. bank examiners can’t order anyone to do anything.
And finally, two New Jersey towns turned down offers to film the next Jersey Shore spinoff, but that’s probably just because the towns weren’t drunk enough yet.
That's all!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 28, 2012
No time for joviality. We've got jokes to get through.
Hacker group LulzSec is back in action, announcing a recent attack on the armed forces dating website MilitarySingles.com, in a coordinated effort they've dubbed "Operation Cockblock."
Beef Products Inc. is reeling from outrage over their so-called "pink slime" beef additive. In response to the negative press, they'll be rebranding the filler as "Rosy Ooze." Which sounds like a roller derby player.
Octomother Nadya Suleman just posed for topless photos for the British magazine Closer in order to pay rent and feed her children. Does this sound to anyone else like a soft-core porn adaptation of Bleak House?
Khloe Kardashian quit PETA this week, after the organization offered to pay court costs for the woman who threw a flour-bomb at Kim Kardashian. Khloe had previously posed nude for their anti-fur campaign, at which point it somehow didn't occur to her that the organization was insane.
New research indicates that eating chocolate can help you slim down, says the sad woman at your office.
AT&T is rolling out a new loyalty program, offering special incentives for customers to stay with the mobile phone giant. They're offering increased tech support, waived fees, and discounts on some products. Decent service is still unavailable.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn was arrested in Paris this week on charges of pimping. In response to the pimping charges, the defiant Strauss-Kahn issued a statement through his lawyers that he would persevere through this newest trial. He went on to say that his eventual triumph would not be easy, but it is necessary. He then added, "bitch better have my money."
And finally, in related Dominique Strauss-Kahn news, the embattled lady-enthusiast was held in jail overnight before being released on bail. Hmm. One night without hookers. This does not bode well for the women of Paris.
Take heed, take cover, and take another little piece of my heart. See you tomorrow, friends.
Hacker group LulzSec is back in action, announcing a recent attack on the armed forces dating website MilitarySingles.com, in a coordinated effort they've dubbed "Operation Cockblock."
Beef Products Inc. is reeling from outrage over their so-called "pink slime" beef additive. In response to the negative press, they'll be rebranding the filler as "Rosy Ooze." Which sounds like a roller derby player.
Octomother Nadya Suleman just posed for topless photos for the British magazine Closer in order to pay rent and feed her children. Does this sound to anyone else like a soft-core porn adaptation of Bleak House?
Khloe Kardashian quit PETA this week, after the organization offered to pay court costs for the woman who threw a flour-bomb at Kim Kardashian. Khloe had previously posed nude for their anti-fur campaign, at which point it somehow didn't occur to her that the organization was insane.
New research indicates that eating chocolate can help you slim down, says the sad woman at your office.
AT&T is rolling out a new loyalty program, offering special incentives for customers to stay with the mobile phone giant. They're offering increased tech support, waived fees, and discounts on some products. Decent service is still unavailable.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn was arrested in Paris this week on charges of pimping. In response to the pimping charges, the defiant Strauss-Kahn issued a statement through his lawyers that he would persevere through this newest trial. He went on to say that his eventual triumph would not be easy, but it is necessary. He then added, "bitch better have my money."
And finally, in related Dominique Strauss-Kahn news, the embattled lady-enthusiast was held in jail overnight before being released on bail. Hmm. One night without hookers. This does not bode well for the women of Paris.
Take heed, take cover, and take another little piece of my heart. See you tomorrow, friends.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 13, 2012
Nothing you can do about it now. It's Tuesday. And it's gonna be for a while. Hopefully this will help you pass the time.
Last night the season finale of The Bachelor aired, finally revealing the show's winner: everyone who watched something else.
Mitt Romney said this weekend that he's friends with the owners of the New York Jets and the Miami Dolphins, ignoring advice from his handlers to only associate with winners...
Speaking of winners, Yahoo! is suing Facebook for patent infringement. Apparently they caught wind of Facebook's new Stagnate and Become Irrelevant Division.
In an interview with Elle UK, Jon Hamm called Kim Kardashian stupid. Oh, I see what's going on. Jon likes her, but he's afraid to tell her... Classic.
In a related story: Why the hell is Jon Hamm going all Joaquin Phoenix in the pages of Elle UK? That sort of biting social commentary is really more at home in Norwegian Cosmo Girl.
Federal courts blocked or overturned new GOP-sponsored voter ID laws in Texas and Wisconsin. Lawmakers have proposed a new system, though. In stead of having to present an ID, brown people will simply have to guess a number between 1 and 1000.
And finally, a group of young Amish men were arrested for drunken buggy racing this weekend when one of them crashed his buggy into a police car.
...and this calls for another, PUNCHLINE SWARM! GO!!!!!
...This was actually a scene from the upcoming film, The Fast and the Forgiving.
... I just wonder, what was the horse drinking?
Last night the season finale of The Bachelor aired, finally revealing the show's winner: everyone who watched something else.
Mitt Romney said this weekend that he's friends with the owners of the New York Jets and the Miami Dolphins, ignoring advice from his handlers to only associate with winners...
Speaking of winners, Yahoo! is suing Facebook for patent infringement. Apparently they caught wind of Facebook's new Stagnate and Become Irrelevant Division.
In an interview with Elle UK, Jon Hamm called Kim Kardashian stupid. Oh, I see what's going on. Jon likes her, but he's afraid to tell her... Classic.
In a related story: Why the hell is Jon Hamm going all Joaquin Phoenix in the pages of Elle UK? That sort of biting social commentary is really more at home in Norwegian Cosmo Girl.
Federal courts blocked or overturned new GOP-sponsored voter ID laws in Texas and Wisconsin. Lawmakers have proposed a new system, though. In stead of having to present an ID, brown people will simply have to guess a number between 1 and 1000.
And finally, a group of young Amish men were arrested for drunken buggy racing this weekend when one of them crashed his buggy into a police car.
...and this calls for another, PUNCHLINE SWARM! GO!!!!!
...This was actually a scene from the upcoming film, The Fast and the Forgiving.
... I just wonder, what was the horse drinking?
... They were on their way back from a night of carousing and debauchery at the local ankle bar.
... Too bad for them there was a Witness to the crash.
... Clearly, somewhere, someone just lost a bet.
... The man is part of a new road safety campaign. "Buckling up isn't just for hats"
... At least his insurance won't go up. Because the Amish can't buy insurance. Because it's against their religion.
... Still way more interesting than NASCAR.
Okay, that's it for today. Let's try again tomorrow! Till then, have a great day.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - February 9, 2012
It's been a long day. Let's make this quick and hilarious.
In Pennsylvania, a college campus is selling the morning after pill in vending machines. Unless the vending machine is Catholic.
On Sunday, over two million people streamed the Super Bowl live on the Internet. In Chat Roulette terms, that's over an hour's worth of penises.
Speaking of penises, Kris Humphries said this week that his marriage to Kim Kardashian was fake, to which Kim responded "Fake? Fake my ass!"
There's a new eating trend. And I'm going to tell you about it, then make fun of it. Okay. Buddhists are promoting "mindful eating" as a way to curb binge eating and help maintain a healthy weight. You know, like Buddha did.
In Indonesia, a commercial airline pilot tested positive for crystal meth. His company became suspicious after he took apart an entire 747.
Also in Indonesian, the national train company plans to discourage stowaways by hitting them with a noxious, disgusting goop. Or, as Southwest calls it: an in-flight snack. BOOM! TIMELY!
Internet firms in India have agreed to remove objectionable content from the Web, and to block objectionable foreign content. So, goodbye, Indian readers! You were make believe, but you were still awesome.
And finally, Rick Santorum won three primary elections this week. However, no delegates were awarded, which makes me think that this is just an elaborate episode of Punk'd.
End. More later! Have a great day!
In Pennsylvania, a college campus is selling the morning after pill in vending machines. Unless the vending machine is Catholic.
On Sunday, over two million people streamed the Super Bowl live on the Internet. In Chat Roulette terms, that's over an hour's worth of penises.
Speaking of penises, Kris Humphries said this week that his marriage to Kim Kardashian was fake, to which Kim responded "Fake? Fake my ass!"
There's a new eating trend. And I'm going to tell you about it, then make fun of it. Okay. Buddhists are promoting "mindful eating" as a way to curb binge eating and help maintain a healthy weight. You know, like Buddha did.
In Indonesia, a commercial airline pilot tested positive for crystal meth. His company became suspicious after he took apart an entire 747.
Also in Indonesian, the national train company plans to discourage stowaways by hitting them with a noxious, disgusting goop. Or, as Southwest calls it: an in-flight snack. BOOM! TIMELY!
Internet firms in India have agreed to remove objectionable content from the Web, and to block objectionable foreign content. So, goodbye, Indian readers! You were make believe, but you were still awesome.
And finally, Rick Santorum won three primary elections this week. However, no delegates were awarded, which makes me think that this is just an elaborate episode of Punk'd.
End. More later! Have a great day!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - December 22, 2011
It's Thursday! Crack open the bubbly and celebrate! Start with some jokes, why don't you?
You've seen the video of the FedEx driver throwing a computer monitor over a fence, right? Pretty bad stuff. But still not nearly as bad as the videos from his previous job as a neonatal nurse.
Celebrated bastard Pat Robertson said earlier this week that gay people should simply "un-acquire" their sexuality. You know, like how he un-acquired his sense of human empathy and understanding?
In New Mexico, a woman trapped in her car during a snowstorm gave birth to a healthy baby! She then immediately pulled over to the carpool lane.
Kim Kardashian said in an interview that "mistakes shape our lives," adding "and I've made a lot of mistakes related to my ass."
Remember how Britney Spears got married for 55 hours one time? (that we know of) Well, her "husband" is back in the news, claiming that her current engagement is "fake." He said it's a financial arrangement, and "as fake as every orgasm she had with me." That's pretty fake.
Chinese hackers broke into the U.S. Chamber of Commerce yesterday, apparently forgetting that they could just as easily buy their way in.
The leader of the Scottish group VisitScotland.com said that the new Pixar film about Scotland "could boost" the country's image and spirits. He then added, "does anyone have any heroin?"
And finally, North Korea's new leader Kim Jong-Un will be sharing power with the country's military leadership in a plan designed to keep himself from being assassinated. So good news, North Korea! Don't think of it as losing one tyrannical autocrat so much as you're gaining dozens of tyrannical autocrats. Watch how love expands and grows.
But that's as much expanding and growing as we're going to do today. Come back tomorrow. Maybe Spencer has a growth you can check out. Till then, have a great day!
You've seen the video of the FedEx driver throwing a computer monitor over a fence, right? Pretty bad stuff. But still not nearly as bad as the videos from his previous job as a neonatal nurse.
Celebrated bastard Pat Robertson said earlier this week that gay people should simply "un-acquire" their sexuality. You know, like how he un-acquired his sense of human empathy and understanding?
In New Mexico, a woman trapped in her car during a snowstorm gave birth to a healthy baby! She then immediately pulled over to the carpool lane.
Kim Kardashian said in an interview that "mistakes shape our lives," adding "and I've made a lot of mistakes related to my ass."
Remember how Britney Spears got married for 55 hours one time? (that we know of) Well, her "husband" is back in the news, claiming that her current engagement is "fake." He said it's a financial arrangement, and "as fake as every orgasm she had with me." That's pretty fake.
Chinese hackers broke into the U.S. Chamber of Commerce yesterday, apparently forgetting that they could just as easily buy their way in.
The leader of the Scottish group VisitScotland.com said that the new Pixar film about Scotland "could boost" the country's image and spirits. He then added, "does anyone have any heroin?"
And finally, North Korea's new leader Kim Jong-Un will be sharing power with the country's military leadership in a plan designed to keep himself from being assassinated. So good news, North Korea! Don't think of it as losing one tyrannical autocrat so much as you're gaining dozens of tyrannical autocrats. Watch how love expands and grows.
But that's as much expanding and growing as we're going to do today. Come back tomorrow. Maybe Spencer has a growth you can check out. Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 23, 2011
Better late than never? We'll see about that. Here's 1.5 blogs for you.
President Obama pardoned the White House turkey today, which is good news for other turkeys who are similar prisoners of conscience.
In France, hundreds of protesters blocked a train filled with nuclear waste headed for Germany. Although most of them were just hoping to get super powers.
In the UK over the weekend, the television series Dr. Who accidentally received an award meant for another series. But don't worry, they can just hop in the TARDIS and fix it. Right, nerds?
Newt Gingrich, the new GOP presidential frontrunner, is calling for a "humane" stance on immigration, in the clearest indication yet that he doesn't actually want to be president.
Due to the spread of Facebook and Twitter, sociologists now estimate that each person is separated from every other person by 4.72 people, instead of six, which means that 1.28 people are no longer necessary. I think I just figured out unemployment.
In financial news, Netflix is selling $200 million in bonds. But they're not calling them bonds. But then they are. But they're actually twice as expensive. But then they're not. But at least you can get them on your iPhone.
On the 700 Club, holy roller Pat Robinson caused some trouble this week when he asked if "mac and cheese" was a "black thing." In his defense, however, it should be noted that he's a xenophobic old coot who is out of touch with society and reality.
Herman Cain signed a hard-line pro-life pledge today. Maybe that's not so shocking, considering how he already seems to think he's in control of women's bodies.
Michele Bachmann is demanding an apology from musician Questlove for playing the song "Lyin' Ass Bitch" when Bachmann appeared on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I don't know. Makes sense considering her performance in the debate last night.
Legendary stylist Guido Palau said in an interview this week that Kim Kardashian is "our generation's Marilyn Monroe." Kim, you might want to think twice if Guido offers you any pills.
And finally, astronomers and biologists ranked the livability of earth-like planets located in other solar systems. They examined the planets in terms of gravity, distance from their suns, and proximity to Starbucks.
And that's all! See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 16, 2011
Hey, friends! What a wonderful day for a blog. I've got a great feeling about this one, let's see if it pans out.
Microsoft announced that the new Windows 8 will require fewer annoying updates and restarts, but will still be compatible with all your favorite Windows 7 viruses.
In Pennsylvania, former coach and alleged human Jerry Sandusky claimed that he did shower with several young boys, but that they were just "horsing around." Great. So now we have to be worried about what he's been doing with horses.
In other Sandusky news, sources revealed yesterday that his lawyer once impregnated a 17 year old girl who was also his client at the time. Well, here's to hoping he still screws his clients.
A medical study released this week indicates that singing actually has health benefits, which explains why Ozzy is still alive.
In China, two young girls were rescued from a fairground ride where they were trapped, upside down, for several hours. But it's okay, the girls were able to keep working the entire time.
In America, sources close to Kris Humphries are saying that he is now ready to sign the divorce papers, ending his marriage to Kim Kardashian. Apparently he refused to sign until yesterday, when he finally learned how to write his name.
Remember Jesse James? World class douchebag that cheated on Sandra Bullock with Kat Von D, then cheated on her? Apparently he still has friends, who are now begging him to seek treatment for sex addiction. In a related story, I'm begging the women of America to STOP HAVING SEX WITH JESSE JAMES!
And finally, the creator of AMC's Mad Men said yesterday that he plans to have the series end in present times, with Don Draper getting old. Well, if the barometer is whether or not Don Draper is getting old, then I'd say the show ended two seasons ago. BOOM! Take that, you critically-lauded and pretty awesome show!
And there you have it. I feel like we've grown together, or at least groaned together. Yep. Going out on a pun. Have a great day!
Microsoft announced that the new Windows 8 will require fewer annoying updates and restarts, but will still be compatible with all your favorite Windows 7 viruses.
In Pennsylvania, former coach and alleged human Jerry Sandusky claimed that he did shower with several young boys, but that they were just "horsing around." Great. So now we have to be worried about what he's been doing with horses.
In other Sandusky news, sources revealed yesterday that his lawyer once impregnated a 17 year old girl who was also his client at the time. Well, here's to hoping he still screws his clients.
A medical study released this week indicates that singing actually has health benefits, which explains why Ozzy is still alive.
In China, two young girls were rescued from a fairground ride where they were trapped, upside down, for several hours. But it's okay, the girls were able to keep working the entire time.
In America, sources close to Kris Humphries are saying that he is now ready to sign the divorce papers, ending his marriage to Kim Kardashian. Apparently he refused to sign until yesterday, when he finally learned how to write his name.
Remember Jesse James? World class douchebag that cheated on Sandra Bullock with Kat Von D, then cheated on her? Apparently he still has friends, who are now begging him to seek treatment for sex addiction. In a related story, I'm begging the women of America to STOP HAVING SEX WITH JESSE JAMES!
And finally, the creator of AMC's Mad Men said yesterday that he plans to have the series end in present times, with Don Draper getting old. Well, if the barometer is whether or not Don Draper is getting old, then I'd say the show ended two seasons ago. BOOM! Take that, you critically-lauded and pretty awesome show!
And there you have it. I feel like we've grown together, or at least groaned together. Yep. Going out on a pun. Have a great day!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 24, 2011
It's about time this week had a Wednesday. I'm trying out a new deodorant, and I'm very emotionally invested, so keep your fingers crossed! In the meantime, laugh it up.
Tropical Storm Irene was downgraded on Monday from a Category 2 to a Category 1 storm. Turns out that Irene also supported President Obama's financial regulatory reforms. S&P has gone mad with power. MAAAAAD!!!!
In other disaster news, the east coast was struck by a 5.8 magnitude earthquake, centered in Mineral, Virginia. It was is the result of shifting between tectonic plates, but New York district attorneys are already blaming Nafissatou Diallo for the disturbance.
The quake is similar to earthquakes on the west coast, except it has a better theater scene, wears more black, and never learned how to drive. Oh, New York City is different from Los Angeles! Cutting edge comedy from 1987!
Okay, so there was an earthquake, and a tropical storm is threatening to land on the east coast. What else could go wrong? What's that? Oh, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are moving back? Great. It's like Cloverfield all over again.
In Libya, rebel forces captured Colonel Gadhafi's compound while the Colonel went into hiding. It's like the most dramatic episode of Trading Spaces ever.
An Alaskan mother was arrested for abusing her son in order to get onto the Dr. Phil show, which is strange considering that watching Dr. Phil is considered child abuse.
In other news, former President Bill Clinton became a vegan recently, proving it's never too late to become insufferable. HA! Kidding. Veganism is awesome.
And finally, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett denied rumors they were splitting up. "That's just crazy," Smith said, "unlike Scientology, which is totally cool. Have you read Dianetics? There's some awesome stuff about spaceships in there."
And... scene. More tomorrow? Yes, and then some other stuff, too!
Till then, have a great day!
Tropical Storm Irene was downgraded on Monday from a Category 2 to a Category 1 storm. Turns out that Irene also supported President Obama's financial regulatory reforms. S&P has gone mad with power. MAAAAAD!!!!
In other disaster news, the east coast was struck by a 5.8 magnitude earthquake, centered in Mineral, Virginia. It was is the result of shifting between tectonic plates, but New York district attorneys are already blaming Nafissatou Diallo for the disturbance.
The quake is similar to earthquakes on the west coast, except it has a better theater scene, wears more black, and never learned how to drive. Oh, New York City is different from Los Angeles! Cutting edge comedy from 1987!
Okay, so there was an earthquake, and a tropical storm is threatening to land on the east coast. What else could go wrong? What's that? Oh, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are moving back? Great. It's like Cloverfield all over again.
In Libya, rebel forces captured Colonel Gadhafi's compound while the Colonel went into hiding. It's like the most dramatic episode of Trading Spaces ever.
An Alaskan mother was arrested for abusing her son in order to get onto the Dr. Phil show, which is strange considering that watching Dr. Phil is considered child abuse.
In other news, former President Bill Clinton became a vegan recently, proving it's never too late to become insufferable. HA! Kidding. Veganism is awesome.
And finally, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett denied rumors they were splitting up. "That's just crazy," Smith said, "unlike Scientology, which is totally cool. Have you read Dianetics? There's some awesome stuff about spaceships in there."
And... scene. More tomorrow? Yes, and then some other stuff, too!
Till then, have a great day!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 23, 2011
You should know that on this day in 1775, King George of England declared that the American colonies were in a state or open and avowed rebellion. So, that's cool, right? History man, what a trip. But what's happening today? Or actually yesterday?
It's nothing but bad news for a-holes in the Arab world, with governments in Syria and Libya both coming unraveled after decades of corrupt, incompetent mismanagement. Wait a minute, is NBC some sort of Arabian despotism?
Speaking of despots, North Korean "leader" Kim Jong-il recently visited Russia in his own personal armored train. Strangely enough, the South Korean President has an armored train, too, although his is called the Seoul Train.
In Florida, a woman was arrested for trying to sell her five year-old son. Apparently she didn't have the right business license. AYN RAND WAS RIGHT!
Former Hugh Hefner-boner Crystal Harris has reportedly landed a deal for her own reality show. Although she'll probably drop out of filming the day before it's supposed to start, then go talk to Howard Stern for some reason.
A recent study found that eight out of ten people have toxic friendships. In a related study, two out of ten people are such jerks that even toxic bastards don't want to be friends with them.
The Homeless World Cup kicked off in Paris this weekend. It's like the regular world cup, but with less alcohol.
Kate Winslet had to flee a fire this week that destroyed Richard Branson's private island. And yes, James Bond was probably behind it.
Oh, and lastly, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got married this weekend. Take that, England.
Okay, that's all I've got for you. Let's do this again, say in twenty four hours?
Till then, have a great day!
It's nothing but bad news for a-holes in the Arab world, with governments in Syria and Libya both coming unraveled after decades of corrupt, incompetent mismanagement. Wait a minute, is NBC some sort of Arabian despotism?
Speaking of despots, North Korean "leader" Kim Jong-il recently visited Russia in his own personal armored train. Strangely enough, the South Korean President has an armored train, too, although his is called the Seoul Train.
In Florida, a woman was arrested for trying to sell her five year-old son. Apparently she didn't have the right business license. AYN RAND WAS RIGHT!
Former Hugh Hefner-boner Crystal Harris has reportedly landed a deal for her own reality show. Although she'll probably drop out of filming the day before it's supposed to start, then go talk to Howard Stern for some reason.
A recent study found that eight out of ten people have toxic friendships. In a related study, two out of ten people are such jerks that even toxic bastards don't want to be friends with them.
The Homeless World Cup kicked off in Paris this weekend. It's like the regular world cup, but with less alcohol.
Kate Winslet had to flee a fire this week that destroyed Richard Branson's private island. And yes, James Bond was probably behind it.
Oh, and lastly, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got married this weekend. Take that, England.
Okay, that's all I've got for you. Let's do this again, say in twenty four hours?
Till then, have a great day!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - June 2, 2011
Holla! Welcome to your Thursday, everyone. It's almost over! Can you taste it? I don't know what it is, but it's exciting, right? Hey, speaking of exciting, yesterday was National Running Day. Newt Gingrich celebrated by tripping himself. Does that even make sense? Oh, who cares.
Anyway.
And lastly, Google is launching a new service called "+1," that is an "homage" to Facebook's "Like" button. It's bound to be ridiculously popular, so long as Google promotes it with Google Buzz. It's the voice of the new generation.
Okay, that's it! Spencer's here tomorrow, Earnest is here Sunday, and you're here EVERY DAY! So make it a great day.
And don't forget your sunblock!
Anyway.
Google announced yesterday that someone had hacked into Gmail, stealing the personal data of thousands of users. Obviously Google is upset about this. After all, they worked hard to steal that personal data in the first place! Doesn't seem fair.
Big news from the world of celebrities you can't remember why you know: Kim Kardashian will be changing her name after she marries her fiance, Kris Humphries. She actually picked out her own new name: SVETLANA KARDASHIAN. She may have been unclear as to how this thing works. But she'll get it figured out, because she's so traditional.
In entertainment on purpose news, Patrick Dempsey announced that he will be leaving Grey's Anatomy at the end of this season. Apparently he's worried about being typecast as the guy who stars in crappy shows.
You know what else? In a recent interview looking back over his life, British rocker Ozzy Osbourne said"I'm very blessed." At least that's what we think he said.
In politics, Sarah Palin spent a night in nearby Jersey City during her NYC visit, apparently trying to convince herself not to run for any office that would put her in charge of fixing places like Jersey City.
In other political news, Rep. Anthony Weiner has come under fire for allegedly emailing a picture of his own crotch to a woman over Twitter. That's unfortunate for a guy with his name. To head off the flood of cheap jokes, he has temporarily changed his name to Penis Weiner. Don't worry, he'll figure it out.
In health news, a study by the World Health Organization found evidence that cell phones are carcinogenic. Does that mean we can finally get them barred from clubs and restaurants? Is there such a thing as second hand brain cancer?
Speaking of brain cancer, protestors from the famed and insaned Westboro Baptist Church were kept out of Arlington National Cemetery this weekend by... the KKK. Who are we supposed to root for in that conflict? That's like the Mavericks and the Heat in the NBA finals! No matter who comes out on top, a jerk has won.
And lastly, Google is launching a new service called "+1," that is an "homage" to Facebook's "Like" button. It's bound to be ridiculously popular, so long as Google promotes it with Google Buzz. It's the voice of the new generation.
Okay, that's it! Spencer's here tomorrow, Earnest is here Sunday, and you're here EVERY DAY! So make it a great day.
And don't forget your sunblock!
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