December 14, 2018: Guilty by (National Rifle) Association

Let's get to the jokes!

In justice news, a man who sexually assaulted a woman while on a commercial flight has been sentenced to nine years in prison, and another three years waiting in LaGuardia's security line.

Speaking of airlines, a human heart was recently found in the cabin on a Southwest flight. And you thought the guy eating a plate of salmon from "Chili's To-Go" was the most disgusting thing on your flight.

The state of California is exploring a plan to start taxing text messages. At first I was like "LOL srsly?" and then I was like "FML."

Kate Middleton recently shocked tourists who saw her driving herself into Buckingham Palace. Not sure why that's a big deal.

Just another day for the royals. 

Jennifer Aniston just revealed who it is that doesn't want a Friends reunion: people who own televisions.

Steph Curry reportedly doesn't think we landed on the Moon, so now I guess next year we should expect to see Joe Rogan join the Warriors' starting lineup.

Former judge (impeached) and failed Senate candidate Roy Moore, who was interviewed (and mercilessly mocked) on Sacha Baron Cohen's Who Is America? program, has claimed that the producers used fraud to gain his consent. Moore came to this conclusion after recently learning the word "consent."

Presidential "son" Donald Trump Jr. has revealed that his father, the President, is a "re-gifter." According to Junior, the President is always passing off stuff he doesn't want, kind of like the indictments he'll be passing along to his children for Christmas.

And now, let's get into this Russian spy stuff.

Maybe you've heard about "Maria Butina," and you thought "is that Alison Brie's character's stage name in GLOW?

Now shooting Season Three! Now shooting literally everything!

If only. Turns out she's a damn spy for the Russians.

Remember in Red Dawn when the Soviets invaded and the Brat Pack had to fight them off with their legally obtained and owned home arsenals of rifles and pistols? Well, thank God for the National Rifle Association, because without them and their protection of personal gun ownership rights, that movie wouldn't have made any sense. It would've just been an incoherent mess with no sense of history, international relations, or military reality.

Yeah, like that.

Yeah, like that.

But as they say, you either die a hero (Charlie Sheen in Red Dawn) or live long enough to become a villain (Charlie Sheen in everything since Red Dawn), because now we see that the great savior of American freedom, the NRA, was invaded and compromised by Butina, who just plead guilty to a bunch of espionage charges (Wolverines?) and now it looks like she used the NRA to funnel millions of dollars of Russian money into the 2016 election, in violation of US law. And no amount of shiny replacement phalluses will ever erase that stain on the NRA.

We've somehow dishonored the legacy of C. Thomas Howell and his pseudo-phallus.

Later!

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 19, 2013

Rumors are swirling that Research In Motion will be laying off several hundred workers in the coming months. Bad news for the workers, but at least now they won't have to use BlackBerrys.

A woman in China was rescued yesterday after 15 days trapped in an abandoned well. She said it was great to finally have some time to herself.

Financial observers in the UK are concerned that as national central banks age, they could weaken, leading to uncontrolled fluctuations in interest rates. Also, they suspect the banks will develop a bunch of crazy ear hair.

Toyota is moving a plant to Russia to begin making RAV4 SUVs for the Russian market because of the truck's incredible popularity. It could have something to do with the fact that the seats are covered in Yankee blue jeans.

Researchers have found evidence that botox injections into the bladder may help with incontinence. Also, it makes your bladder way sexier.

LinkedIn is mounting a legal challenge to government requests for data, although they've pledged that this will in no way prevent them from sending you a bunch of emails about people you barely know.

Walgreen's will be moving away from providing health insurance for their employees, instead sending them to the new insurance exchanges. At the heart of the issue, according to the company, was their inability to keep up with the insane cost of prescription medications.

And finally, Starbucks is banning weapons from their coffee houses across the country. It's part of their new "don't shoot us" strategy. So now you can feel comfortable ordering an extra shot.

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2013

Papers last week revealed that the NSA had bugged offices at the United Nations in New York, as well as European Union offices in the city. And it's all because President Obama really wants to know what Angela Merkel is getting him for Christmas.

Also, he wants to know if she's a terrorist.

In the UK, Verizon and Vodafone recently restarted talks about a possible buyout of Vodafone. Well, Vodafone has been talking this whole time and just didn't know that Verizon dropped the call.

In Florida, George Zimmerman's wife, Shellie, was sentenced for perjury related to Mr. Zimmerman's bond hearing. While pleading for mercy, Mrs. Zimmerman was heard to argue "hey, it's not like I killed anyone!"

In Russia, police stormed a gallery and confiscated a painting of Vladimir Putin dressed in women's underpants. Presumably it's been added to Mr. Putin's personal collection. Or else it was destroyed as it did not feature him riding a flying elephant, nor was he depicted with a super-humanly giant package.

Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas are splitting up, at least long enough for the two to "evaluate" their relationship. Perhaps Mr. Douglas will re-evaluate the wisdom of telling the world his wife's vagina is carcinogenic.

He should have at least added "habit-forming."

Researches at Columbia University believe they have found a "key to reversing the aging process" in humans. It involves sports cars and banging someone just old enough to drink alcohol.

A study at Johns Hopkins found that in America at least 1/3 of all emergency room visits involve beer, which means 2/3 of all emergency room visits are less fun than they could be.

And finally, representatives from American Airlines and U.S. Airways complained yesterday about government interference in their merger. They told the Justice Department that delaying their trial until March could jeopardize the merger and would be a severe hardship for the companies. Yeah, UNEXPECTED DELAYS SUCK. Thanks for noticing.

And thanks for reading!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 7, 2013

Zoologists have found that dolphins possess the longest memories in the animal kingdom, which is probably why they quit loaning me money.

In Detroit, auto industry representatives put forward a brave face yesterday, claiming that young people will start buying cars again, even in this economy. They just need to move back in with their parents, first.

Former President George W. Bush underwent heart surgery yesterday to put in a stent. The surgery was a success, and the former First Dude reminded America of the importance of regular checkups. Oh, and of having health insurance so you can get them.

And yesterday Detroit held elections for "Mayor." Election officials are still tallying up the large number of write-in ballots. Leading among them is a strong contender named "Dear God Why Won't Someone Help Us?"

In College Hill, Ohio, a man crashed his car into a gas station and then escaped by hailing a nearby cab. So, authorities are looking for a white suspect.

On an appearance on The Tonight Show this week, President Obama told Jay Leno "there is no domestic spying program." To which Leno replied "I haven't even asked you a question yet..."

Also in Obama news, the President is upset with Russia for granting NSA leaker Edward Snowden temporary asylum in Russia. To make things more unpleasant for Mr. Snowden, the White House has been releasing reports that Snowden is gay. Because Russia really doesn't like gay people.

And finally, Chinese doctors report that the bird flu is now passing between humans for the first time. So, if you've been holding off on making out with a bird, now there's nothing stopping you.

Later!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 27, 2013

Hey, what happened to Tuesday? Who knows! Forget it. Let's think about Wednesday.

Have you seen this? Jay Leno has been mercilessly making fun of NBC's poor ratings on his show. So that joke is now officially no longer funny.

On a recent trip to Israel, President Obama said that the U.S.A.'s commitment to Israel's security is our "solemn obligation." That's also how Israel's Ultra-Orthodox refer to procreative sex.

In non-procreative sex news, Bill Gates has offered a huge grant for anyone who can come up with a better condom. The condom not only has to feel good and protect against disease and pregnancy, but it also has to kill mosquitoes.

Katie Holmes went nearly topless in a new jewelry advertising campaign. When asked about it, she said "come on, that's at best the second worst decision I ever made."

A new video game system, Kyperkin Retron 5, plays cartridges from nine classic gaming consoles. And it also comes with a certificate of authenticity for your virginity. But only if you blow on it first.

I don't know what that means.

A New Jersey liquor store sold last week's $338million Powerball ticket, making it the first time a New Jersey liquor store had anything to do with someone's dream coming true. At all.

Scientists found that there is a specific part of a rooster's brain that tells him when to start crowing. It's the same part of a human brain that makes people say "cold enough for ya?"

And finally, Russian authorities raided Amnesty International's office this week, because Putin totally isn't a villain.

And that's it! Later, cats.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 29, 2013

According to the Iranian news agency, the nation's space program succeeded in launching a monkey into space. The monkey, which made it back to earth safely, was reportedly overjoyed at being shot into space and really enjoyed itself, until it figured out that it was going to have to come back down and live in Iran again.

A bizarre trial is getting underway in Russia for a whistleblower, Sergei Magnitsky, who is actually dead. Magnitsky's lawyers are hopeful for his chances, however. Best case scenario: he gets life.

Toyota announced that 2012 was a banner year. The auto behemoth managed to sell nearly 9.75 million vehicles, which is slightly more than they recalled.

The New York City school bus drivers union is undergoing a major overhaul, with seniority no longer playing as big a role in determining assignments. So, look for New York City school buses to stop driving with the left turn signal on.

In Norway, a tunnel will be closed for several weeks after a massive truckload of sweet cheese caught fire. Repair crews are standing by with little bits of bread and fruit.

A teacher in Ohio is in trouble for posting a picture online of a student whose mouth he had duct taped shut. Apparently teachers in the district are not supposed to use their cell phones at work.

At a school in Pennsylvania, male students must now ask for toilet paper each time they go to the bathroom. The school took the paper out of the bathrooms in an attempt to cut down on vandalism. They haven't, however, removed all of the Glade Potpourri Spray Paint cans.

And finally, the Boy Scouts of America announced they are considering allowing openly gay children and adults to be involved in the organization. Although, if they were really serious about getting gay people involved, they'd get rid of those ridiculous shorts.

And that's it!

Thursday Morning Monologue - January 24, 2013

Hey, super-big blog today! Enjoy it.

In Russia, a massive snowstorm blanket the country under multiple feet of snow. So much snow fell that you can't even see the angry crowds protesting Putin. It's like his dream come true, except that the snow isn't throwing rabble-rousers out of windows.

Scientists studying tree rings found a massive burst of gamma radiation all over the planet 1200 years ago, which would account for the widespread medieval Hulkism.

New Kids on the Block, 98 Degrees and Boyz II Men are joining forces for the new "The Package" tour. Too bad the package has passed it's expiration date.

Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that he still loves Maria Shriver, probably because she didn't break his heart by having lots and lots of sex with the maid.

Scientists are looking for a more effective flu vaccine this season. Their goal is to get it so effective that it prevents the flu even in inconsiderate a-holes who refuse to get the shot.

A new study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that condoms do not diminish sexual pleasure for Americans. What does diminish sexual pleasure for Americans? Calling the penis "John Boehner."

Speaking of sexiness, UK Prime Minister David Cameron promised the people of the UK an "in/out" referendum on EU membership. In/out. Member. Yep, we're classy.

An Irish council member went on record saying that drinking helped depression and mental illness. It's assumed he left out the words "cause and worsen" in his statement.

Chile is expanding its military, with a planned air base in Antarctica, which is great news for prostitutes who love the cold.

Authorities were dispatched to Chris Brown's home recently after a prankster called in a report of domestic violence. And by "prankster," we probably mean Rihanna.

Chipotle is testing shredded tofu as a meat replacement in its San Francisco stores. In a related story, Taco Bell is testing horse meat.

And finally, Manti Te'o recently spoke with Katie Couric about his fake-girlfriend-hoax scandal, leading to speculation that Katie Couric may not really exist.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 22,2013

After being nominated for the job of Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel personally contacted all one hundred U.S. Senators to help secure his confirmation to the post, which explains why no one else wants the job.

Speaking of jobs, Charlie Sheen said he wants to return to Two and a Half Men, which means he's either no longer on drugs, or more drugs than ever before. Either way, he needs to work on the formula.

A Russian court decided against overturning the prison sentence handed down for Pussy Riot, instead opting to keep them in the box a little longer.

A new study found that twice as many people are going to the emergency room because of energy drinks as they were just six years ago. And we can all agree that an increase like that is EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another study found a link between fast food consumption and increased asthma and allergies in children. Also, the study found no correlation between Happy Meals and depression.

In Florida, a teenager was arrested for giving wedgies to other teens and adults. In a related story, he's going to find prison the be hilarious.

At the President's inauguration yesterday, attendees booed Rep. Paul Ryan, showing that political elites are still in touch with mainstream America.

And finally, scientists are searching for and "adventurous woman" willing to have a baby created with recovered Neanderthal DNA. Well, if someone is willing to have a baby with Kid Rock...

And that's it!

Monday Morning Monologue - January 14, 2012

In political news, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann was appointed to the House Intelligence Committee. She will be heading up the special sub-committee on irony.

In economic news, consumer debt is increasing on car and student loans. "Great," said the over-educated guy sitting in his car with no job to drive to.

In making his cabinet appointments, President Obama reportedly asked Mitt Romney to send over his "binders full of women." Bill Clinton asks to be cc'd.

Colin Powell said that the GOP holds a "dark vein of intolerance." Strangely enough, that's what Strom Thurmond used to call the vein on his penis.

The New England Patriots are headed to another AFC championship game, in case you were running out of things to not care about.

A Chicago man was arrested and charged with spitting on a Secret Service agent. Unfortunately for him, only the gun lobby is allowed to openly spit on law enforcement.

Thousands of Russians came out to protest a recent anti-US adoption ban, which should serve as some indication as to how much Russians hate having babies around.

And finally, California's citrus harvest appears to have weathered a recent cold snap. No word on how it fared against the latest sick burn.

Later!

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 13, 2012

Happy time big joke fun funny!

NBC defended its decision to cut away from the 9/11 anniversary ceremony to air an interview with Kris Jenner, saying that they were still sticking with the theme of tragedy.

The Dish Network announced it will air Glenn Beck's new network, so now viewers will be able to watch Mad Men again.

Climatologists warn that arctic ice melts could mean more extreme winters in the future. In response, Mountain Dew is working on a hot chocolate beverage. EXTREME!!!!!!

Following violence in Africa over an anti-Islamic video, YouTube has restricted access to the footage. However, you can still watch videos from Nickleback.

For shame, YouTube.

Archaeologists in England think they may have located the long-lost remains of King Richard III. The Sun has already run a photo of the ancient corpse's penis.

Atlanta police cleared officers of racial profiling charges after they stopped Tyler Perry for questioning. The officers apologized and said they didn't recognize him without a dress.

The hosts of the "popular" daytime talkshow The Talk decided to do an episode without any makeup. It's a good thing they're so charming.

And finally, Russia is set to build the world's biggest icebreaker ship. Once completed, it's scheduled to visit college freshman dorm orientation programs all over the world.

Oof. See you tomorrow!

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 30, 2012

Good morning, my friends.

Actress Shirley MacLaine says that today Hollywood "ignores older viewers" and their tastes. Also, the movies aren't loud enough.

Police in California suspect that Lindsay Lohan may have lied about a car accident in June. Their first clue was when her statement began with "I am not Lindsay Lohan."

In Moscow, Russian anti-Putin activist Taisiya Osipova was sentenced to eight years in prison for drug charges. Outside observers suspect the drugs were planted in a move planned to keep Osipova from being murdered by Putin for at least the next eight years.

A good Samaritan returned Edward Furlong's wallet after the actor was mugged in Los Angeles. No word yet on whether or not his career will ever turn up.

Danny Wright of Carlsbad, California, convicted of stealing 3,500 Pillow Pets from a warehouse, narrowly avoided a jail term, wherein he would certainly have learned a new-found empathy for Pillow Pets.

Today, Minneapolis hosts the first ever "Internet Cat Video Film Festival" in someone's basement.

Yesterday, President Obama went on Reddit to endorse an amendment to the Constitution aimed at overturning the "Citizens United" decision. He was immediately flamed for being a troll.

Also, he put the quote on a fundraising flyer. So...

And finally, in Berlin, Samsung unveiled a new line of tablets and smartphones immediately after leaving the Apple Store.

That's the end!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 21, 2012

More jokes!

In Russia, an Islamist sect was found living underground for nearly a decade. Some of them had never seen the sun at all. It’s almost like they’d been playing World of Warcraft.

Gallup revealed that Congress’ approval rating is at an all-time low this year, making John Boenher and Harry Reid the Usain Bolt and Yohan Blake of sucking at government.

Stuntman and douchebag Bam Margera was detained and handcuffed at the airport this week for reeking of booze. He was also detained and handcuffed at Whole Foods for reeking of booze, and at the Zoo, and the mall... He’s got problems.

Zoologists in Florida captured a giant python this week, and found it was carrying over 80 eggs. They’re speculating that it was in Florida hoping to talk shop with the Octomom.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is set to deliver the keynote speech at this year’s GOP convention. It’s going to be the first time the speech has to be bleeped.

Things are looking bad at Groupon, the daily deals website. Rumor is that their salespeople are ready to jump ship, which would explain why the website is offering so many deals on cheap salesman rentals.

In India, police blocked famous yoga guru Baba Ramdev from marching on parliament to protest corruption. However, he was allowed to defiantly crabwalk on city hall. Baby steps.

And finally, according to a recent workplace satisfaction study, Facebook is no longer one of the greatest places to work. It is still one of the greatest ways to waste time at work.

More tomorrow!

Thursday Morning Monologue - April 5, 2012

Hip, hip, hooray for Thursday, everyone! Two nights ago, I roasted vegetables for for the first time. Beets, cauliflower and brussel sprouts. More than anything else so far, that made me feel like an adult. To counteract it, I'm eating nothing but Pop Rocks and Froot Loops for the rest of the week. Take that, maturity! Speaking of immature...

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed a law banning medical marijuana on college campuses, because that's a bigger threat than concealed weapons. And in her defense, hacky-sack and drum circles can get pretty dangerous.

Speaking of dangerous, former Chicago police officer and off-duty railroad detective Howard Morgan is facing 80 years in prison for the attempted murder of four police officers who shot him 28 times during a routine traffic stop. Yeah, you read that right. He got shot 28 times, and is somehow facing charges for attempted murder. Either he's the world's most incompetent murderer, or he's black. Oh, he is black? Right...

Paramount just reached a deal with Youtube to add 500 feature films to the online video site's rental program. And FYI, you will get charged an extra dollar if you forget to hit "Refresh" when you're done viewing. In a related story, the rest of Paramount's films are still available for pirating.

In other film news, Thailand banned a film adaptation of Macbeth recently, on the grounds that it could cause political disunity and that it didn't include enough underage prostitution. "Thailand: The Kingdom of Sane Priorities."


In Russia, an office supply company started selling notebooks with Josef Stalin's picture on the front. Glad to see Stalin's finally made it to the free market!

Two pandas at the Edinbugh Zoo have been put together again to try to mate, after five unsuccessful attempts by zookeepers. Probably the male panda just needs a new wingman.

ALTERNATE PUNCHLINES:

• Looks like pandas get headaches too!
• Maybe she should try hitting on his best panda friend.
• Does Frederick's of Hollywood have a bamboo line?
• Have they tried getting the pandas drunk? It is Scotland, after all.

Yahoo! announced yesterday that they will be cutting 2,000 jobs. Or, as they call it, "clearing out the inbox."

And finally, the FDA confiscated another huge shipment of counterfeit drugs. This time, it was fake Avastin, the popular cancer treatment. Patients grew suspicious when they saw the pill bottles:

That's it! Hope you have a great day, my friends!

Monday Morning Monologue - March 19, 2012

Top of the morning to you. It's time for "hilarity" once more. Read on, and enjoy to your heart's content.

In Louisiana, rapper Lil' Wayne was ordered by the state to cut the grass at his mansion. A confused Snoop Dogg showed up immediately, offering to help.

Oprah Winfrey's "OWN" network just cancelled Rosie O'Donnell's talk show. They could have handled it more delicately, though. Instead, Oprah called the production staff into her office and just started shouting "YOU'RE GETTING FIRED! AND YOU'RE GETTING FIRED! AND YOU'RE GETTING FIRED!"

And you're getting sick of that particular Oprah punchline. I'll do my best to retire it. Just like Oprah retired Rosie.

Actor-activist George Clooney was arrested in a protest outside the Sudanese embassy last week. Finally, someone who has some credibility when he says "I'm too pretty for prison."

A British study found that children as young as ten years old are familiar with popular alcohol brands, thanks to advertising. So now it's more important than ever for parents to tell their children which brands of booze are actually good. Otherwise kids will just drink Smirnoff Ice and never move past it. And that's just sad.

In Russia, two young punk rock musicians, who happen to be young girls, were thrown in prison for praying to the Virgin Mary to deliver the country from Vladimir Putin. Once you use the power of the state to protect yourself from the prayers of a couple of girls, suddenly you don't seem that macho any more.

An exhibit at the Nixon library in California just went up with several love letters written by the former president to his wife. And just like most everything associated with Richard Nixon, large portions have been redacted, this time for decency.

Film director Kevin Smith said recently that podcasting saved his career, proving that podcasts are stronger than Jersey Girl. Thank goodness.

And finally, in Austin, Texas, entrepreneurs came under criticism for turning local homeless people into mobile wi-fi hotspots during South By South West. But it's not nearly as bad as their original plan, to somehow turn homeless people into some kind of living, breathing, satirical statement about the embarrassing gulf between rich and poor in this country, and how easy it is to ignore said gulf. Thank goodness that didn't happen.

Okay, that's all.

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 15, 2012

Hello, friends. Hunker down and dig in on these here jokes.

In Qatar, organizers for the World Cup are questioning the need to sell alcoholic beverages at the games, indicating that they've never actually been to a sporting event.

Bad news for Bear Grylls, star of Man vs. Wild, who was fired from his show by Discovery Channel. Although he's already shopping a new program: Man vs. Unemployment. Also bad news for everyone looking for a job, because now they have to compete with Bear Grylls. Good luck with that.

Encyclopaedia Britannica will no longer be publishing actual, physical books, opting instead for an electronic version. So now, instead of a long row of dusty, unopened books on your shelf, it will just be a small, dusty thumb drive. PROGRESS!

Former 90210 star Jennie Garth is getting divorced. I can't help but blame Shannon Doherty.

Rick Santorum is attacking Mitt Romney for how Romney reportedly treated the family dog during a long road trip. Santorum suggested that Romney should have shown the dog greater love, but then again if he had, Santorum would probably just accuse Romney of being gay. Because Santorum said that homosexuality was the equivalent of bestiality.

He sucks.

Russia said yesterday that it will not intervene military to protect Syrian presidential monster Bashar Assad. Unless, of course, his check clears.

The ruling junta in Burma has agreed to televise a speech by opposition leader Aun San Suu Kyii, but they do reserve the right to swap out the audio for the sound of someone farting.

And finally, election officials in Egypt reported that 500 people are running for the nation's presidency (despite what happened to the last one). Donald Trump has threatened to make it 501.

That's that! More later. Till then, have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - March 5, 2012

Oh, happy Monday my friends. Did you have an amazing weekend? Then keep it to yourself. I spent all weekend seeing just how many cubic feet of Kleenex I could soil with only the power of my nose. It's a sizable number. But in between, I was able to craft you these jokes. Don't worry, I washed my hands first.

North Korea agreed to halt its uranium enrichment program in exchange for food. So now that it's worked once, you should expect to see homeless people carrying that on cardboard signs from now on.

In Japan, researchers created violin strings out of spider silk. They say the sound is great, but you have to keep stopping the music to clean off all the flies that get stuck to it.

In spring training baseball news, Atlanta Braves' Julio Teheran gave up six home runs against the Detroit Tigers, which makes him the best thing to happen to the Tigers in decades.

Following Rush Limbaugh's latest douchbaggery, seven advertisers have pulled out of his show. If he loses any more, he'll end up on NBC.

In Russia, Vladimir Putin declared victory in the recent presidential "elections." Still not sure why he made the air quote symbol when he did it.

George Clooney took to the stage this weekend in a play based on the anti-gay marriage referendum Proposition 8. Clooney said he wants all people to have the same rights he does. Namely, the right to decide to never, ever get married. Ever.

Actor John Cusack said in an interview this weekend that making a sequel to his 1997 film Con Air 2 "would be fun." He then added, "no, I never actually watched the first one all the way through. Why do you ask?"

And finally, computer hackers reportedly took control of key NASA computers in 2011.

...wait a minute. I think it's time for a PUNCHLINE SWARM! Let's go!

...Authorities were astounded to hear that any hackers were still familiar with TANDY machines.

...The surprising thing is that any key NASA computers were actually turned on in 2011.

...NASA reportedly will have to spend thousands of dollars re-installing special-effects software on the machines.

...It was really easy. They just bought the machines at a garage sale.

...That would explain why ICanHazCheezburger.com turned into ICanHazFreezDriedIceCream.com

...Thank goodness NASA doesn't actually do anything.

Okay, that's all for now! Please feel free to post your own punchline. Maybe I'll retweet it. I'm probably not going to do that. I shouldn't make that promise. But it could still be fun, and shoutouts could be had! Till tomorrow, keep watching the skies!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 15, 2012

And so begins another Wednesday. Did you have an awesome Valentine's Day? Well if you did, keep it to yourself. Nobody likes to hear about that crap.

Now, for some other crap:

A dozen people formed an anti-Romney protest outside the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in New York. Romney later said "what a bunch of bitches," but it's not clear what he... 'cause "bitch" also means "female dog." Oh, whatever.

In more animal news, a California animal welfare group is targeting feral cats for sterilization to control their numbers. No word yet if a similar group is targeting feral douchebags.

Topless ladies in Russia came out to protest against Gazprom and Vladimir Putin yesterday. The group, FEMEN, will be featured in the upcoming Girls Gone Political DVD series.

Go ahead and Google them. I can wait.

Musician and roaster Kenny Rogers is suing Capitol Records over unauthorized use of his music and the mullet haircut.

Musician and activist Shakira was attacked by a sea lion while taking its picture this weekend. In a related story, Sean Penn has been training sea lions.

Teenage model Kate Upton landed on the cover of this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, breaking with their long tradition of ugly hags.

Go ahead and Google it. I can wait.

A group of Mormons revealed that they baptized the extremely Jewish parents of Nazi-hunter Simon Wiesenthal (even though they were dead). If that's not strange enough, they also went ahead and registered for Christening gifts on Amazon.com.

And finally, in Washington State, protesters from the Occupy movement interrupted a Rick Santorum event, causing the candidate to say they represented "true intolerance." He then demanded a royalty payment for their unauthorized use of intolerance.

That's the end of Wednesday. ALL HAIL WEDNESDAY! Come back tomorrow for more hailing.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 7, 2011

Happy Wednesday. It’s December 7th, which is, coincidentally, the day that the U.S. joined both World War I and World War II. So let’s be extra-vigilant today and try like hell not to get involved in any horrible wars today. What say? And while we’re at it, how about some nice, peace-loving jokes?

You like books? Alternate-history novelist Harry Turtledove’s new book, Supervolcano: Eruption, explores what it would be like if America was destroyed by a massive volcanic eruption at Yellowstone, and not George W. Bush’s presidency.

In south Florida, biologists are studying crocodiles living near a nuclear power plant. They’re tracking breeding and movement patterns, as well as any evidence of monsterism.

Military leaders at the Pentagon are concerned that a drone that crashed in Iran may end up giving away U.S. secrets. And that’s why it’s a bad idea to program drones with the personality of a chatty 14-year old girl.

Remember that burglar that robbed Alex Trebek? Good news for her, as she won’t be facing mandatory sentences from the “three strikes” law. It’s a good thing she wasn’t robbing Steve Harvey. ‘Cause he hosts Family Feud. And that show uses the “three strikes” motif. Oh, boy.

Chewbacca will be guest-starring in Glee’s Christmas episode this year! George Lucas has already agreed to ban the program after it airs and buy up as many copies as he possibly can.

In more serious news, BP accused Haliburton of willfully destroying evidence related to the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico last year. Haliburton refutes the claim, saying that the evidence was destroyed through simple incompetence, just like everything else they touch.

The anti-piracy group Creative America released a new 12-minute anti-piracy video this week. But I already saw it last month on bittorrent.

And finally, following election losses in the Russian Federal Assembly, Vladimir Putin promised to make real changes next year. And by that, he means he will do a better job of fixing future elections.

And that’s the end. Hope you enjoyed it. Tell your friends! And we’ll be back with more tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 18, 2011

Welcome to Thursday, everyone! This is going to be the best day we have all day, so I hope you enjoy it. That sentence meant absolutely nothing. I might run for President. Is that a joke? Who knows! These next things are, though.

Today is a great day for me. The Qdoba in my neighborhood is reopening after having some work done. It's kinda like Courtney Cox returning to television.

Police in London arrested the 1000th person in connection to the riots. Lucky number 1000 got his picture in the paper, a gift certificate to Harrods, and a savage beating from the cops. Congratulations!

Vice President Biden is in China discussing U.S.-Chinese debt. It doesn't look good for the talks. Rumor has it that Chinese negotiators had a pay toilet installed in Biden's hotel room.

Former Black Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi quashed rumors of a Black Sabbath reunion this week. Ozzy actually said the same thing last week, but no one could understand him. And he was taking to a dog at the time.

Anticipation is building for the new Microsoft operating system, Windows 8, which insiders say will totally revolutionize personal computing. Apparently it features a completely redesigned Blue Screen Of Death.

A new biography alleges that French fashion designer Coco Chanel was a Nazi agent during World War II. The first clue was her extensive portfolio of haute couture arm bands and jackboots.

Russian pilots carried out test flights on a new stealth plane this month. It's a big departure from the old Soviet designs. You see, in Soviet Russia, stealth plane flies you.

And finally, in more Russian news, former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbechev came out with harsh criticism of Russia's progress toward democracy and Vladimir Putin in particular. A confused Putin said "wait a minute, didn't I already kill him? Come on, Vlad! Get it together!" He then strangled a walrus with his bare hands.

Okay, that's the end. Of the blog. For today. Spencer is here tomorrow, and I'll be back Monday.

Till then, have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 16, 2011

Hey, did you all have a great March 15th yesterday? If you had a Caesar Salad, I hope you stabbed the crap out of it. Yes, I know the salad is unrelated to the ancient political figure. It's just a joke. More examples are included for your enjoyment below.

At the Kennedy Space Center in Florida, an investigation is underway to figure out why a bag of cocaine was recently found on the premises. The most likely explanation, of course, is that the owner thought it was new Crystal Tang. That's a thing, right? If not, then it was probably just a coke-head. No need to worry; it's only rocket science.

In sports news, Adrian Peterson called the NFL "modern day slavery." He went on to say, "except that we make a whole lot of money and can bask in the love and adoration of our fans. Even those of us who play for the Lions."

In Russia, a bomb squad was recently deployed to disarm a suspected bomb which turned out to be a woman's vibrator. That must have been one confusing day for the squad's bomb-sniffing dog.

In an interview this week, musician Jon Bon Jovi blamed Steve Jobs, and iTunes, for "killing the music industry." Bon Jovi reminisced about a time when consumers bought records based on what the cover looked like, without knowing what the music was. "God, it was wonderful. You could just slap a cool picture of a skeleton or a hot chick on the jacket and you made millions. Now you have to write songs and stuff. Friggin' sucks." In a related story, Bon Jovi has 25 albums and singles available for purchase on iTunes! Get your fill now!

Comedian and supplemental insurance salesman Gilbert Gottfried was fired from his job as the voice of the Aflac duck, meaning that Gottfried will have to go back to being annoying without the aid of animated water fowl. A nationwide search is on to find his replacement. Casting directors are looking for someone with a voice as "annoying as shit" to fill the role.

In the UK, a celebrity dentist may be fired from his show on Channel 4 after admitting to an affair with one of his patients. The most shocking aspect of the story, however, is the startling revelation that British people are so God-awful boring that a dentist can become a TV star there.

A recent study from Cambridge University found that people who were happy as children tend to get divorced as adults, whereas people who were unhappy children tend to stay married in order to inflict the maximum amount of sorrow upon their unwitting partners. Go ahead, write a song about that, Timberlake.

And finally, another study from the Rush Medical Center found that people who have a fulfilling purpose in life live longer than people who don't. So, good news! If you've got a crappy, meaningless life that you hate, at least it will be short. And that's basically The Secret. There, you just saved twenty bucks. You're welcome.

And you're welcome to come back here for jokes all week long. Leave your comments, share your favorite posts with e-friends, and have a great Wednesday! See you tomorrow!