Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 8, 2012

Toyota is now making cars that drive themselves. Saudi Arabia has demanded that Toyota assure them that none of the cars are female. Because ladies can't drive in Saudi Arabia.

The very first CEO of Hulu.com's is finally leaving. He's been with the company since its beginning, but his tenure has been periodically interrupted by commercials for All State insurance.

According to the CDC, 2012 was worst year for whooping cough since 1955. This comes as a serious blow to hipsters who discovered the illness years ago and contracted it back before it became popular.

Doctors studying the norovirus have created a robot that vomits just like a human. All they had to do was take a regular robot and make it pledge a fraternity.

Kim Kardashian is pregnant, so now I'll be ignoring her for two.

The world's first double-hand transplant recipient is healing, and relearning how to hold to hold things this month. Doctors say that once the swelling in her hands goes down the new fingers should still fit nicely into her nose. 

A cat was arrested for breaking into a Brazilian prison with contraband items taped to it. If convicted, the cat faces five years in prison, which is like 30 cat years.

And finally, on a flight to New York, a drunken and unruly man was tied up and duct taped to his seat. Or, as United Calls it, "Business Class."

And that's it!

Monday Morning Monologue - January 16

And another week begins. Here's some jokes to get you by.

The Russian Phobos-Grunt space probe crashed back to Earth shortly after launch this week, indicating that the probe had probably been badmouthing Putin.

Newt Gingrich said this weekend that he will be releasing his tax returns, but not his match.com profile.

Elsewhere in the primary, John Huntsman is hinting that he will drop out of the race. This is a difficult announcement for the campaign to make, but mainly because everyone thinks he dropped out weeks ago.

In Chicago, a driver wearing only his underwear and socks was arrested for DUI after he struck a police car. The crash was featured on both Cops and What Not to Wear.

Egyptian poet laureate Mohamed El Baradei is dropping out of the Egyptian presidential race after finding out he was trailing John Huntsman.

Hulu.com announced a new slate of original programming set to premiere on the site this year. The programs will be available for streaming with commercials, or you can just pirate them.

The New York Giants beat the Green Bay Packers last night, wreaking utter havoc with the New York Giants' office pool.

And finally, HBO is catching some grief over their new Sarah Palin film. The company denies that there is any political agenda behind the film, that's they're just trying to make some money, to which Palin responded "Copycats!"

Okay, that's all! It's too cold to banter! See you tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - July 4, 2011

Happy Fourth of July, everyone! I hope you've got the day off, just like our founders wanted. While you enjoy your day, here's some jokes!

Speaking of American political history, Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain lost several staffers last week. The sad thing is he'll never know they left, as their resignation letters were more than three pages long.

In South American political news, Venezuelan "President" Hugo Chavez was diagnosed with cancer, which has actually led to increased support among his people. In a related story, Libya's Colonel Qaddafi has taken up sunbathing and started using a cell phone from 1989.

Speaking of Qaddafi, word came last week that the African Union is disregarding the arrest warrant issued for the Libyan leader. So, I guess that means they probably won't be paying their parking tickets, either.

Speaking of parking, the cost of fuel in Canada is rising to all-time highs this summer, which is driving up the cost of living across the country. It's so bad, that now they're having to use off-brand Kraft in their disgusting poutine dinners.

In movie news, the Internet is abuzz with rumors that Transformers 3 uses footage from a previous movie, which is shocking, considering how original the rest of the concept is.

In Texas, a man wrongfully convicted of murder was awarded a settlement of $1.4 million after spending nearly two decades in prison. Not only is the story a frightening warning about our judicial system, it's also the inspiration for a new reality show on FOX this fall.

In automotive news, Toyota is recalling another 82,200 cars. A statement from the company said "FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T USE THE CUPHOLDERS!"

And finally today, Google is in talks to buy the television and movie-streaming website Hulu, in part of their ongoing efforts to make sure no one gets anything done at work ever again. Keep it up!

Okay, that's all for now! Have a great day, and we'll see you again tomorrow!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 13th, 2011

Oh, whoa, we're halfway there. Let's have a laugh, shall we?

Amazon announced plans to begin selling a new Kindle with advertisements. It's expected to be popular with people who want reading to be more like television.

Presidential hopeful Haley Barbour's political independence came under scrutiny this week due to his past as a lobbyist. Barbour responded that his ties to special interest groups will be a real time-saver, as they can take their demands straight to him without going through a middleman. "I'll be able to whore myself out with maximum efficiency!"

A recent J. Crew advertisement raised eyebrows this week when a boy was shown with pink painted toenails. A spokesman for the company said this was an attempt to counteract the overbearing machismo their clothes normally exude.

Police recovered a Superman comic stolen from Nicolas Cage in 2000. Still missing: his artistic credibility from 2000.

Rihanna said this week in an interview that she wants to "spank" Britney Spears. Let's make that happen.

In Internet news, television insiders are surprised at the overwhelming success of Hulu.com. A representative from NBC said "this is unacceptable, we'll have to find a way to ruin it."

In politics this week, the Mitt Romney-Bot switched from "idle" to "run" in preparation for the 2012 presidential race.

And lastly, the Church of England is cracking down on sham marriages, entered into for immigration purposes. A spokesman said "these marriages distract from our original mission, which is of course providing a pretext for royal divorces."

Well, that's all for now! Hope your day got a little brighter. Tell your friends, if you did, and come see us again tomorrow! But most importantly, have a great day!