Remember that guy who jacked up the price on a 62-year-old toxoplasmosis drug from $13.50 to $750 per pill? Yeah, Donald Trump just called him "disgusting" and "a disgrace," which may be a condemnation or an indication that Trump plans to hire him.
Speaking of Trump speaking, he also said that the birther movement started with Hillary Clinton. He went on to say it was her idea for him to start put his name on all his buildings in giant letters, say creepy things about how hot his daughter is, and to way over-use the word 'huge' in conversation.
The U.S. Department of Defense revealed that fingerprint files for 5.6 million people were stolen in a recent data breach. A spokesman for the Chinese government said "No, it wasn't nearly that many people," adding "I mean, 'no we didn't.'"
Here's something weird. The Dalai Lama said that he thinks it's possible for there to be a female Dalai Lama, although she would have to be "very, very attractive." It's possible he was confusing "Dalai Lama" with "meteorologist on a Spanish language morning show."
Or he's just fucking with us. When you've been reincarnated that many times, you probably develop all sorts of hyper-specific inside jokes that only your previous incarnations get. Kinda like reading this blog from the beginning.
Former University of Oklahoma football player Marcus Dupree revealed recently that when he was recruited by colleges in the early 1980s, one of them offered him an oil well as a signing bonus. Because everyone knows how much college kids love their oil wells. They'd much rather have some mineral rights than a shiny Corvette filled with hookers made out of cocaine. Duh.
Former penal colony Australia is set to deny entry to former singer Chris Brown over his history of violence. Australia, the country whose national bird is a punch in the teeth, has said "no" to Chris Brown. The continent where kangaroos and koalas get into bar fights, where the national anthem includes the sound of people spitting out their own broken teeth, where the Queen started her own chapter of Fight Club, has deemed Chris Brown an unacceptable risk. Well done, Australia.
Pope Francis is in the U.S., having not been deemed an unnecessarily violent threat to the peace. After addressing Congress, the Pope blew off an offer to lunch with Congressional leadership to instead eat with the homeless in DC, probably because the homeless aren't a bunch of assholes.
While in the States, Pope Francis is speaking out on climate change, poverty and the dangers of capitalism. And, he'll also show you some sweet kick moves for the next time you're playing Hacky Sack.
Showing posts with label pope francis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pope francis. Show all posts
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
September 23, 2015: There's Nutella-ing What Some People Will Do
Sean Penn just sued Lee Daniels for implying that he is a spousal abuser, and Penn is reportedly furious. It's lucky for Daniels that he isn't a photographer.
That joke was for the old people.
Instagram now has over 400 million users and 40 billion photographs, and the company claims that only 35 billion of those photos are from brunch last week.
Speaking of pointless Internet photos, there is no truth to the rumor that more people die taking selfies than from shark attacks each year. Unless you count the people who die on the inside each time the camera steals part of their souls.
Los Angeles is pledging a $100 million increase in programs to help the city's homeless. It's a big departure from their previous plan: do nothing and wait for the homeless to leave once the city becomes completely uninhabitable, like Phoenix.
Also in LA, a 78-year-old man at Costco was punched in the face and hospitalized after confronting another shopper about taking all the Nutella waffle samples. Luckily this didn't occur over by the hunting knife samples.
There's no such thing as that, don't worry.
Leonardo DiCaprio announced that he will be selling off all his fossil fuel stocks investments, then encouraged others to follow his example. How about we follow your example and have some stocks and investments in the first place?
Congress is threatening to shut down the government again over funding for Planned Parenthood, though most observers suspect that Congress will terminate the effort before the end of the term.
And finally, Pope Francis has arrived in the U.S. for an official visit. Pollsters already have him in a dead heat with Hillary Clinton.
Good morning!
That joke was for the old people.
Instagram now has over 400 million users and 40 billion photographs, and the company claims that only 35 billion of those photos are from brunch last week.
Speaking of pointless Internet photos, there is no truth to the rumor that more people die taking selfies than from shark attacks each year. Unless you count the people who die on the inside each time the camera steals part of their souls.
Los Angeles is pledging a $100 million increase in programs to help the city's homeless. It's a big departure from their previous plan: do nothing and wait for the homeless to leave once the city becomes completely uninhabitable, like Phoenix.
Also in LA, a 78-year-old man at Costco was punched in the face and hospitalized after confronting another shopper about taking all the Nutella waffle samples. Luckily this didn't occur over by the hunting knife samples.
There's no such thing as that, don't worry.
Leonardo DiCaprio announced that he will be selling off all his fossil fuel stocks investments, then encouraged others to follow his example. How about we follow your example and have some stocks and investments in the first place?
Congress is threatening to shut down the government again over funding for Planned Parenthood, though most observers suspect that Congress will terminate the effort before the end of the term.
And finally, Pope Francis has arrived in the U.S. for an official visit. Pollsters already have him in a dead heat with Hillary Clinton.
Good morning!
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 30, 2013
Following his recent sexting scandal, Anthony Weiner has fallen to fourth place in the New York mayoral race, just ahead of Bill Clinton's penis.
On the subject of gay clergy, Pope Francis said "who am I to judge?" So, he didn't read the job description.
A new study links monogamy to increased IQ scores for men, according to the latest issue of the New England Journal of Nagging. Am I right?
Fast food industry workers are going on strike for a living wage. Best of luck to them, and we hope the nation can adjust to a day without diarrhea.
Scientists have succeeded in growing new, replacement teeth from human urine. So, you'll want to brush those teeth before you use them.
Archaeologists discovered that ancient Inca priests would use drugs to make children more docile when sacrificing them in religious rights. This just in: Roman Polanski is an Inca.
Tropical Depression Flossie is weakening after reaching Hawaii, leading to speculation that it had some poi.
And finally, the American Academy of Pediatrics found that candy is the number one cause of choking in children. And "a chance at the post-season" is still the number one cause of choking for the Chicago Cubs.
Ta-ta for now!
On the subject of gay clergy, Pope Francis said "who am I to judge?" So, he didn't read the job description.
A new study links monogamy to increased IQ scores for men, according to the latest issue of the New England Journal of Nagging. Am I right?
Fast food industry workers are going on strike for a living wage. Best of luck to them, and we hope the nation can adjust to a day without diarrhea.
Scientists have succeeded in growing new, replacement teeth from human urine. So, you'll want to brush those teeth before you use them.
Archaeologists discovered that ancient Inca priests would use drugs to make children more docile when sacrificing them in religious rights. This just in: Roman Polanski is an Inca.
Tropical Depression Flossie is weakening after reaching Hawaii, leading to speculation that it had some poi.
And finally, the American Academy of Pediatrics found that candy is the number one cause of choking in children. And "a chance at the post-season" is still the number one cause of choking for the Chicago Cubs.
Ta-ta for now!
Monday, July 29, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - July 29, 2013
A new smartphone app is in development to tell users whether or not they're drunk. The name of the app is "Wanna Call Cheryl?"
Zoologists think that dolphins may use distinct noises to refer to each other, in effect meaning that they have their own names. And apparently dolphins think it's racist when we can't tell them apart.
In China, a woman got trapped between two walls of a home, and when she cried out for help the owners thought she was a ghost. Crazy, right? Everyone knows that ghosts rent.
Recently government agents seized $35 million worth of cocaine in Florida. So now's Florida's big chance to get back on the nation's good side.
A professional group representing academic historians is pushing for universities to withhold Ph.D. dissertations from distribution on the Internet for six years after publication. It's part of a new "no spoiler" policy for world history.
Pope Francis ended his tour of Brazil with the world's longest no-touching conga line in history. Also, he's the first Pontiff since 1540 to get a full back-wax during peace time.
In Washington D.C. thousands of people lined up to experience the "corpse flower." It's the most foul thing in the city that wasn't elected or appointed.
And finally, key players in the New York Democratic Party are telling Anthony Weiner to pull out of the mayoral race after his latest sexting scandal. However, judging from the content of his messages, it could get messy if Weiner pulls out at the wrong time.
Stay classy!
Zoologists think that dolphins may use distinct noises to refer to each other, in effect meaning that they have their own names. And apparently dolphins think it's racist when we can't tell them apart.
In China, a woman got trapped between two walls of a home, and when she cried out for help the owners thought she was a ghost. Crazy, right? Everyone knows that ghosts rent.
Recently government agents seized $35 million worth of cocaine in Florida. So now's Florida's big chance to get back on the nation's good side.
A professional group representing academic historians is pushing for universities to withhold Ph.D. dissertations from distribution on the Internet for six years after publication. It's part of a new "no spoiler" policy for world history.
Pope Francis ended his tour of Brazil with the world's longest no-touching conga line in history. Also, he's the first Pontiff since 1540 to get a full back-wax during peace time.
In Washington D.C. thousands of people lined up to experience the "corpse flower." It's the most foul thing in the city that wasn't elected or appointed.
And finally, key players in the New York Democratic Party are telling Anthony Weiner to pull out of the mayoral race after his latest sexting scandal. However, judging from the content of his messages, it could get messy if Weiner pulls out at the wrong time.
Stay classy!
Friday, April 19, 2013
Friday Morning Monologue - April 19, 2013
The City of Las Vegas is getting a new "New York" style park. The park is conceived of as a way to bring residents out into a public space in the same way that parks in New York City do, becoming a central hub for communities. In order to replicate the success of NYC, Las Vegas will be importing authentic NYC homeless people, pot-dealing university students, and used condoms.
In political news, Italy's Parliament failed to elect a president in its first vote this week. "That's great news!" said everyone familiar with Italian politics.
Former Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf was arrested yesterday outside of Islamabad, Pakistan. So apparently they can arrest people.
Financial earnings for Google fell short of expectations this year, according to twelve links on my Facebook feed.
A juror in Oregon was jailed for texting during a trial. He was caught when the judge noticed a strange blue light on the juror's face when the courtroom lights were dimmed for a video presentation. In a related story, don't ever get put on trial for anything.
Twitter is launching a music app, so you can hear the same song replayed by 60 of your friends in one afternoon.
Probably a Justin Bieber song.
Due to hard economic times, Pope Francis is cutting the Vatican staff's bonuses this year. In a related story, they get bonuses at the Vatican!
A federal judge tossed out a lawsuit from Viacom against YouTube. The suit alleges that YouTube willfully exploits videos without compensating the people who made them. And that's something Viacom prefers to do.
Software students in Iceland developed an Android app to help users on the singles' scene to determine if potential mates were actually their cousins, which is a problem on the small island. They developed the program for Android because no one wants to sleep with people using a BlackBerry, iPhone users only want to have sex with themselves, and Windows Mobile users are already screwed.
And finally, iconic rocker Stevie Nicks said she thinks that actress Reese Witherspoon is 'too old' to portray Ms. Nicks. So, looks like Stevie is back on cocaine again.
In political news, Italy's Parliament failed to elect a president in its first vote this week. "That's great news!" said everyone familiar with Italian politics.
Former Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf was arrested yesterday outside of Islamabad, Pakistan. So apparently they can arrest people.
Financial earnings for Google fell short of expectations this year, according to twelve links on my Facebook feed.
A juror in Oregon was jailed for texting during a trial. He was caught when the judge noticed a strange blue light on the juror's face when the courtroom lights were dimmed for a video presentation. In a related story, don't ever get put on trial for anything.
Twitter is launching a music app, so you can hear the same song replayed by 60 of your friends in one afternoon.
Probably a Justin Bieber song.
Due to hard economic times, Pope Francis is cutting the Vatican staff's bonuses this year. In a related story, they get bonuses at the Vatican!
A federal judge tossed out a lawsuit from Viacom against YouTube. The suit alleges that YouTube willfully exploits videos without compensating the people who made them. And that's something Viacom prefers to do.
Software students in Iceland developed an Android app to help users on the singles' scene to determine if potential mates were actually their cousins, which is a problem on the small island. They developed the program for Android because no one wants to sleep with people using a BlackBerry, iPhone users only want to have sex with themselves, and Windows Mobile users are already screwed.
And finally, iconic rocker Stevie Nicks said she thinks that actress Reese Witherspoon is 'too old' to portray Ms. Nicks. So, looks like Stevie is back on cocaine again.
That's all. Cheers!
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