Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 2, 2011

It's Wednesday! And what a wonderful Wednesday it's gonna be!

Actress and human-incubator Natalie Portman responded to the video of fashion designer John Galliano making anti-Semitic remarks by saying she was "disgusted." That's a harsh criticism coming from someone who was in all three Star Wars prequels.

At the Vanity Fair Oscar party, actress and slap-dispenser Joan Collins was rushed to the hospital after feeling faint. The culprit? Her dress was too tight. Happy Women's History Month, everybody!

In London, a Libyan diplomat recently expressed sorrow over recent events and was quoted as saying "I think we realize that he's crazy, but we have no alternative. We have no ways to get rid of him until now." He then clarified, "No, I'm talking about Colonel Gaddafi, not Charlie Sheen. Leave that poor man alone!"

In a related story, Nelly Furtado announced she will be giving away $1million she earned from a private performance for the Gaddafi family. The money will now be used to help pay the salaries of Two and a Half Men crew members.

In other Gadaffi news, Saif Gadaffi has been charged with plagiarizing parts of his dissertation, which puts him in danger of losing his Ph.D. The embattled scholar responded by saying, "that's just great! What else can go wrong? Oh, right."

In American politics, Newt Gingrich appears to be gearing up for a Presidential run in 2012. Pundits and analysts say he has a good chance, but he will have to overcome the fact that he's Newt Gingrich.

Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication yesterday. Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Britney Spears stared wistfully out a window and thought of days gone by.

Finally, the Department of the Interior issued a permit for deep water drilling in the Gulf of Mexico for the first time since the BP catastrophe last year. A government spokesman explained, "look, I know we've had trouble in the past, but they've changed! It'll be different this time. We're going to be so happy together..." A nearby oil executive added, "that's right, baby. This is a truly great moment for people with no understanding of history. Now let's go make some money!"

Alright, that's it. You like this business? I hope so. Go ahead and share us on your social networking site of choice, or just email us to all the people who keep sending you email forwards. Let us know what you like, what you hate and what you want see made fun of. And keep coming back for the jokes every day (although you can skip Saturday) and have a great Wednesday!

Monday Morning Monologue - February 21, 2011

Anybody working today? Anybody pretending to be working today? Yeah, that's more like it. Here's some jokes for you.

This weekend Blake Griffin jumped over a Toyota to land a slam dunk, proving once again that while Toyota's have great resale value and get amazing mileage, they're useless under the net.

In business news, Groupon is looking to expand into China to capitalize on the large numbers of consumers in the population. They're going to be pretty upset when they find out China just outlawed large gatherings of people.

In other upsetting news, the new film version of The Great Gatsby is rumored to be shot in 3D. When asked why, the director explained "this story is an American classic, but we just felt there should be more stuff flying out at the audience."

For her most recent film, producers turned Natalie Portman into a "homely" girl, because apparently they couldn't stomach the idea of hiring an actress who was actually average-looking. "It's just too depressing to think about someone not being pretty," said a source close to the production, adding "what is this supposed to be, theater? British theater?!"

Speaking of British theater, invitations for the upcoming royal wedding went out this weekend. If you didn't get one, it's likely because you're a commoner. A filthy, filthy commoner. Also, you're probably not inbred.

In entertainment news, CNN hired Camille Grammer to provide coverage and commentary on the Oscars this year, presumably because Triumph is still under contract with NBC.

Back in England, an opera recently opened based upon the life and death of Anna Nicole Smith. The author and creator previously turned the life of Jerry Springer into an acclaimed opera. After opening night he reportedly said "I've got a good feeling about Charlie Sheen."

Lastly, Facebook expanded their options for relationship status, adding in civil unions and domestic partnerships. Still missing is the "Relationship? Wow, um, I don't know. Maybe it is. Why what have you heard?"

That's all for now. Hope you have a great week!