Hey, happy Monday! And happy April Fool's Day. Here's some jokes to get you through it.
Mega-retailer Wal-Mart is looking at ways to stay competitive with their online store, and is now considering crowd-sourcing their deliveries to Wal-Mart customers that are already shopping in the stores. This is real. You buy something online, they hand it over to someone who just bought something at the store, and that person drives it out to you. It's part of their new "Please Don't Steal This Thing We Just Gave You" initiative. Also, it's going to save them millions of dollars in employee benefits. Or, it would if they paid any.
A recent study found that online dating has become increasingly popular among people with sexually transmitted infections. Industry analysts are surprised at how quickly it's spreading.
The Rolling Stones are headlining this year's Glastonbury music festival, which means the festival will have to be over by 7pm.
The retiring founder of BlackBerry maker RIM said he has no plans to sell his stake in the company. He does, however, plan to buy an iPhone.
Julia Pierson was named the new head of the U.S. Secret Service. Great start, Ms. Pierson. It's the "secret" service.
That joke sucked.
Boston Mayor Thomas Menino said he will not seek re-election on account of "bein' wicked pissed and tired."
Three men were arrested for smoking pot in a State Trooper's parking lot in Totowa, New Jersey. Trooper's credit the bust to their new policy of not putting up State Trooper signs in their parking lot.
And finally, the Department of Justice is considering a woman to be the new director of the FBI. The CIA, on the other hand, will now be led by a heavily-armed predator drone.
That's it!
Showing posts with label secret service. Show all posts
Showing posts with label secret service. Show all posts
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - January 14, 2012
In political news, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann was appointed to the House Intelligence Committee. She will be heading up the special sub-committee on irony.
In economic news, consumer debt is increasing on car and student loans. "Great," said the over-educated guy sitting in his car with no job to drive to.
In making his cabinet appointments, President Obama reportedly asked Mitt Romney to send over his "binders full of women." Bill Clinton asks to be cc'd.
Colin Powell said that the GOP holds a "dark vein of intolerance." Strangely enough, that's what Strom Thurmond used to call the vein on his penis.
The New England Patriots are headed to another AFC championship game, in case you were running out of things to not care about.
A Chicago man was arrested and charged with spitting on a Secret Service agent. Unfortunately for him, only the gun lobby is allowed to openly spit on law enforcement.
Thousands of Russians came out to protest a recent anti-US adoption ban, which should serve as some indication as to how much Russians hate having babies around.
In economic news, consumer debt is increasing on car and student loans. "Great," said the over-educated guy sitting in his car with no job to drive to.
In making his cabinet appointments, President Obama reportedly asked Mitt Romney to send over his "binders full of women." Bill Clinton asks to be cc'd.
Colin Powell said that the GOP holds a "dark vein of intolerance." Strangely enough, that's what Strom Thurmond used to call the vein on his penis.
The New England Patriots are headed to another AFC championship game, in case you were running out of things to not care about.
A Chicago man was arrested and charged with spitting on a Secret Service agent. Unfortunately for him, only the gun lobby is allowed to openly spit on law enforcement.
Thousands of Russians came out to protest a recent anti-US adoption ban, which should serve as some indication as to how much Russians hate having babies around.
And finally, California's citrus harvest appears to have weathered a recent cold snap. No word on how it fared against the latest sick burn.
Later!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 24, 2012
What's up, friends? How about we find out... together. Aww...
In Egypt, the national presidential election began yesterday. Security forces were on hand to respond to violence from Ron Paul supporters.
In Pakistan, the doctor who helped the CIA find Osama bin Laden was sentenced to 33 years in prison for treason. Should have been spying on Tyler Clementi instead.
A vial purported to contain a sample of Ronald Reagan's blood is up for auction. How about we infect the Gipper's sample with HIV? Maybe then the GOP would fund some AIDS research.
Speaking of the GOP, Newt Gingrich's private venture projects are going bankrupt, so he may have to get back into the presidential race. LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE FREE MARKET!
Zoologists have found evidence of Chimps exhibiting human behavior recently. Specifically, they've noticed an increase in Chimps polluting the environment, buying lottery tickets and ignoring the news.
In Beijing, health officials are imposing an allowable limit of two flies per any public toilet. Any additional flies will be aborted. In a related story, Senator Larry Craig said "two flies per toilet? Sounds like a good start."
Secret Service agents dismissed in the prostitution scandal are contesting their firings, as well as their credit card bills.
And finally, Jack Kerouac's classic work On the Road is now a major motion picture, showing a whole new generation that writing doesn't need to be good to have an impact.
I'M LIVING PROOF! And that's it! Let's do it again tomorrow!
In Egypt, the national presidential election began yesterday. Security forces were on hand to respond to violence from Ron Paul supporters.
In Pakistan, the doctor who helped the CIA find Osama bin Laden was sentenced to 33 years in prison for treason. Should have been spying on Tyler Clementi instead.
A vial purported to contain a sample of Ronald Reagan's blood is up for auction. How about we infect the Gipper's sample with HIV? Maybe then the GOP would fund some AIDS research.
Speaking of the GOP, Newt Gingrich's private venture projects are going bankrupt, so he may have to get back into the presidential race. LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE FREE MARKET!
Zoologists have found evidence of Chimps exhibiting human behavior recently. Specifically, they've noticed an increase in Chimps polluting the environment, buying lottery tickets and ignoring the news.
In Beijing, health officials are imposing an allowable limit of two flies per any public toilet. Any additional flies will be aborted. In a related story, Senator Larry Craig said "two flies per toilet? Sounds like a good start."
Secret Service agents dismissed in the prostitution scandal are contesting their firings, as well as their credit card bills.
And finally, Jack Kerouac's classic work On the Road is now a major motion picture, showing a whole new generation that writing doesn't need to be good to have an impact.
I'M LIVING PROOF! And that's it! Let's do it again tomorrow!
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - April 30, 2012
Say goodbye to April, everybody. And say it with laughter.
Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the death of Osama bin Laden, and many within the Republican party are accusing President Obama of playing politics with bin Ladin’s death. Which isn’t fair, considering that playing politics with national security has always been their thing.
The FDA just approved a new medication, Levaquin, for treating the plague. Wait a minute. Why are we making new drugs for the plague? WHAT ARE YOU NOT TELLING US, FDA?!
In New York, the Mayor’s office authorized additional livery cabs for the outer boroughs, so now there will be even more cabs out on the streets, ready to ignore black people.
After a recent anti-Saudi protests in Egypt, the Egyptian government is trying to smooth things over with the Saudi Arabian government. As part of their efforts, they’ve promised to “completely treat women like shit.”
Students in a dorm at the University of Alabama were held up by an armed robber this weekend. While the experience was traumatic, it’s nothing compared to the tender mercies of Sallie Mae.
A former Miss New Hampshire was arrested for kicking and biting her boyfriend after he accused her of cheating. Shouldn’t be a surprise, though, as her portion of the Talent competition was called simply “Jerry Springer-ing.”
In Dallas, a police officer was arrested for driving drunk, firing his weapon and possession of marijuana. He’s considering a transfer to the Secret Service.
And finally, New York City is considering a ban on “happy hour” promotions at bars. Critics argue that they’re too misleading, and have proposed renaming them “maudlin resignation hours.”
And that’s it! Later, gaters.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - April 23, 2012
Oh, boy. Monday. Nothing like it. And that's a good thing.
Hey, Sunday was Earth Day! Did you do anything to celebrate? Google made a neat doodle for their front page with pretty flowers spelling out "Google." I thought it was so cute, I printed out copies for all my friends.
Socialist candidate Francoise Hollande is leading French President Nicolas Sarkozy in the first round of the nation's Presidential election. If Hollande is elected, he's pledged to remove many of Sarkozy's people from the government, but has offered a spot in his administration to Carla Bruni.
At last, the John Edwards trial is set to begin in North Carolina. He stands accused of improperly using large amounts of campaign donations to cover up his affair back in 2008, when that sort of thing was illegal. Once again, Edwards gets into trouble because he just couldn't wait.
Senator Joe Lieberman called for a widespread investigation into the Secret-Service-Colombian-Hooker-Scandal. The Internet called for computer animations from Apple Daily. And also a porn-parody.
According to the Associated Press, China expressed confidence in North Korea's new leadership. In a related story, I expressed doubt in the Associated Press' translators.
Egypt cancelled gas shipments to Israel of payment disputes because... ugh. I'm not going to finish that joke.
In Nevada, a rarely seen daytime meteor appeared at the end of a massive meteor shower, covering the spread at the last minute.
And finally, the Australian House of Representatives Speaker, Peter Slipper, is stepping down in the midst of a developing sex scandal. This is troubling news, but not nearly as troubling as the apparent fact that the name of every Speaker of the House around the world is a euphemism for "penis."
That's all! It's great to be back. See you tomorrow, everyone! Until then, have a great day!
Hey, Sunday was Earth Day! Did you do anything to celebrate? Google made a neat doodle for their front page with pretty flowers spelling out "Google." I thought it was so cute, I printed out copies for all my friends.
Socialist candidate Francoise Hollande is leading French President Nicolas Sarkozy in the first round of the nation's Presidential election. If Hollande is elected, he's pledged to remove many of Sarkozy's people from the government, but has offered a spot in his administration to Carla Bruni.
At last, the John Edwards trial is set to begin in North Carolina. He stands accused of improperly using large amounts of campaign donations to cover up his affair back in 2008, when that sort of thing was illegal. Once again, Edwards gets into trouble because he just couldn't wait.
Senator Joe Lieberman called for a widespread investigation into the Secret-Service-Colombian-Hooker-Scandal. The Internet called for computer animations from Apple Daily. And also a porn-parody.
According to the Associated Press, China expressed confidence in North Korea's new leadership. In a related story, I expressed doubt in the Associated Press' translators.
Egypt cancelled gas shipments to Israel of payment disputes because... ugh. I'm not going to finish that joke.
In Nevada, a rarely seen daytime meteor appeared at the end of a massive meteor shower, covering the spread at the last minute.
And finally, the Australian House of Representatives Speaker, Peter Slipper, is stepping down in the midst of a developing sex scandal. This is troubling news, but not nearly as troubling as the apparent fact that the name of every Speaker of the House around the world is a euphemism for "penis."
That's all! It's great to be back. See you tomorrow, everyone! Until then, have a great day!
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