Hey, where ya been?
In a really bizarre story, a young Florida couple kidnapped their own children from their grandparents and then sailed to Cuba. Apparently to meet Jay-Z and Beyonce. Ultimately the fugitives were located, and Cuban authorities agreed to return them to the U.S. And the worst part about this is now these kids will be forced to grow up in Florida.
A British study found that children who regularly eat cereal for breakfast have a lower body mass index than children who don't. Conversely, adults who eat breakfast cereal for dinner are usually fatasses.
The H7N1 Bird Flu strain was found in South African ostrich farms, which is bad news for budget-conscious grocery shoppers hoping to score some reasonably-priced ostrich.
Japan will start making its own jets, hoping to become a major player in the international jet industry. And they'll succeed, especially if they can make sure their jets transform into giant robots.
Former President Bill Clinton just joined Twitter, and we're all looking forward to when he "accidentally" tweets a picture of his "Rep. Weiner."
A nun plead guilty to stealing over $100,000 in church funds to support her gambling habit. Incidentally, "gambling habit" is what she called her lucky clothes.
Due to the sequester, the U.S. Navy canceled all appearances by the Blue Angels stunt team at air shows for the coming year. And that's fine, because ultimately the private industry is much better at creating air show disasters.
And finally, speaking of disasters, Julie Taymor finally settled her legal dispute with the producers of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Under the settlement, Ms. Taymor will receive an undisclosed sum of money, and she'll get to break the legs of one dancer for each year the play runs.
And that's it!
Showing posts with label spider-man. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spider-man. Show all posts
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 7, 2012
Wednesday is here once again. And it's brought you these jokes!
Dunkin' Donuts is reaching into Chinese markets and trying to appeal to local tastes with a new pork donut on the menu. And if all goes well, they'll soon be unveiling their new recipe for bear claws. Made with bear claws.
This next joke isn't a joke so much as a headline that caught my eye. From Politico.com:
Well, can't argue with that.
Speaking of Limbaugh, he got dumped by another radio station. If this keeps up, it will be a good thing. Seriously, though, he's been dumped by almost as many radio stations as he has been by women.
He sucks.
Musician and walking freakout Lady Gaga just broke 20 million followers on Twitter, which is about five times as many Scientologists as there are in the world. That news wouldn't be so disturbing if her next project wasn't a book called Gaganetics.
French President Nicholas Sarkozy says France "has too many foreigners." And he's right. I've been there. It was crawling with all sorts of Europeans. Mainly the French.
Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow will not be on The Bachelor next season. Probably because he's already agreed to be on The Biggest Loser. Yeah, take that, you successful, attractive, happy person. Loser.
Hundreds of comic books were damaged at Pittsburgh's ToonSeum by rain this weekend, which just goes to show that's what happens when you don't take proper care of your things and put them away when you're done! I mean I didn't want for this to happen, but if that's what it takes for you to learn that lesson, better now than later. Now come on, let's throw those moldy things out before you get sick and I'll take you out for a soda.
I don't know where that came from. Sorry.
And finally, Broadway director Julie Taymor claims there was a sinister plot to undermine her during the production of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Producers shot back saying it was ridiculous, that nothing resembling a plot has ever been associated with the show.
And that's what it is! What? That's the end of jokes. Forever. Until tomorrow.
BYE!
Dunkin' Donuts is reaching into Chinese markets and trying to appeal to local tastes with a new pork donut on the menu. And if all goes well, they'll soon be unveiling their new recipe for bear claws. Made with bear claws.
This next joke isn't a joke so much as a headline that caught my eye. From Politico.com:
Speaking of Limbaugh, he got dumped by another radio station. If this keeps up, it will be a good thing. Seriously, though, he's been dumped by almost as many radio stations as he has been by women.
He sucks.
Musician and walking freakout Lady Gaga just broke 20 million followers on Twitter, which is about five times as many Scientologists as there are in the world. That news wouldn't be so disturbing if her next project wasn't a book called Gaganetics.
French President Nicholas Sarkozy says France "has too many foreigners." And he's right. I've been there. It was crawling with all sorts of Europeans. Mainly the French.
Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow will not be on The Bachelor next season. Probably because he's already agreed to be on The Biggest Loser. Yeah, take that, you successful, attractive, happy person. Loser.
Hundreds of comic books were damaged at Pittsburgh's ToonSeum by rain this weekend, which just goes to show that's what happens when you don't take proper care of your things and put them away when you're done! I mean I didn't want for this to happen, but if that's what it takes for you to learn that lesson, better now than later. Now come on, let's throw those moldy things out before you get sick and I'll take you out for a soda.
I don't know where that came from. Sorry.
And finally, Broadway director Julie Taymor claims there was a sinister plot to undermine her during the production of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Producers shot back saying it was ridiculous, that nothing resembling a plot has ever been associated with the show.
And that's what it is! What? That's the end of jokes. Forever. Until tomorrow.
BYE!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 4, 2012
Well, with 89% of precincts reporting, I still don't care about the Iowa Caucus. So don't expect any jokes about it today. Maybe I'll give a damn tomorrow. But I do give a damn about these jokes. Read them and enjoy, or not.
Due to awful sales and mounting losses, RIM just reduced the price of all their Playbook tablets to $299. It's like if NBC decided to start selling all their advertising spots at Whitney prices.
A new "tropical" breed of hybrid sharks was spotted off the Australian coast. Biologists believe the breed is tougher than normal sharks, and presents a great new opportunity for shitty SyFy channel movies.
In Maryland, a lost hiker was saved in part by an iPhone flashlight app, which is convenient since it was the iPhone GPS that got him lost in the first place.
Speaking of lost, pop musician Fergie said this week that she might be having a baby this year. The only downside is that at some point, she's going to sing to that baby, and there's nothing comforting about an auto-tuned lullaby.
Speaking of babies, Lady Gaga said recently that "my next baby will be my new record." So, get ready for a scream-filled album that isn't nearly as cute as Lady Gaga thinks it is. And also, I guess that means a follow-up EP would be like the afterbirth?
China's President Hu Jintao said this week that the West is trying to dominate China by spreading its culture and ideology to China. It may sound xenophobic, but I understand his motivation. No one wants to wake up in the sort of country that created Whitney.
In Spain, Salma Hayek received knighthood this weekend. I can't imagine how they're going to find a suit of armor that fits her, though.
And finally, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark surpassed Wicked as the biggest financial success on Broadway. But in fairness, most of that came from Aflac injury claims.
Okay, that's the end of today. Tomorrow will be a new day, perhaps with Romney and Santorum and the awful choices Iowa's Republicans make. Till then, have a great day!
Due to awful sales and mounting losses, RIM just reduced the price of all their Playbook tablets to $299. It's like if NBC decided to start selling all their advertising spots at Whitney prices.
A new "tropical" breed of hybrid sharks was spotted off the Australian coast. Biologists believe the breed is tougher than normal sharks, and presents a great new opportunity for shitty SyFy channel movies.
In Maryland, a lost hiker was saved in part by an iPhone flashlight app, which is convenient since it was the iPhone GPS that got him lost in the first place.
Speaking of lost, pop musician Fergie said this week that she might be having a baby this year. The only downside is that at some point, she's going to sing to that baby, and there's nothing comforting about an auto-tuned lullaby.
Speaking of babies, Lady Gaga said recently that "my next baby will be my new record." So, get ready for a scream-filled album that isn't nearly as cute as Lady Gaga thinks it is. And also, I guess that means a follow-up EP would be like the afterbirth?
China's President Hu Jintao said this week that the West is trying to dominate China by spreading its culture and ideology to China. It may sound xenophobic, but I understand his motivation. No one wants to wake up in the sort of country that created Whitney.
In Spain, Salma Hayek received knighthood this weekend. I can't imagine how they're going to find a suit of armor that fits her, though.
And finally, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark surpassed Wicked as the biggest financial success on Broadway. But in fairness, most of that came from Aflac injury claims.
Okay, that's the end of today. Tomorrow will be a new day, perhaps with Romney and Santorum and the awful choices Iowa's Republicans make. Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 9, 2011
Hey, how is everyone? Keep in mind that if you shout at your computer really, really loudly, I can actually hear you. But only if it's very early in the morning and other people in the house are trying to sleep. So... there's that. And here's some jokes.
Broadway director Julie Taymor said yesterday that she is suing the producers of Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark for depriving her of her share of the show's royalties and violating her creative rights by forcing her out of the production. The producers offered her a chance to share in the production, however, saying they'd be happy to break her legs. Seems fair.
Stereotypical Hollywood douchebag Brett Ratner stepped down from his role as producer of the Oscar ceremony after he used a gay slur while promoting The Tower Heist. Ratner apologized for the remark, as well as for unintentionally linking the gay community to one of his shitty movies.
In other douchebags-stepping-down news, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi announced he will be resigning this week to devote himself to his first love: hookers.
Human Pez-dispenser Michelle Duggar is expecting her 20th child with husband Jim Bob. Or so she says... But seriously, enough people have passed through her uterus that it now qualifies as a flop house.
In an unrelated story, scream-rockers Linkin Park are partnering with the United Nations, for some reason, in order to provide clean energy to Haitian families impacted by the earthquake. Initially, the families refused to accept the assistance until they were assured that it in no way required them to enjoy the music of Linkin Park.
Yesterday in Blackmon-Leoni Township, Michigan, police caught a six-foot alligator near the Pathway Community Church. So in case Joe Paterno asks, that's what you're supposed to do when you see a six-foot predator on the prowl.
Actor and beard-enthusiast Matthew Fox demanded his trial for punching a bus driver go to a full jury. He'd better hope they didn't watch the LOST finale.
And finally, the White House issued an official statement yesterday denying that the administration has had any contact with aliens. Sure, that's what they say, but until I see a birth certificate, there's no way you're going to convince me James Carville is human.
Whew. That was a lot to get through. If you made it this far, you deserve a treat. So, here you go:
More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day and keep shouting at your computer!
Broadway director Julie Taymor said yesterday that she is suing the producers of Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark for depriving her of her share of the show's royalties and violating her creative rights by forcing her out of the production. The producers offered her a chance to share in the production, however, saying they'd be happy to break her legs. Seems fair.
Stereotypical Hollywood douchebag Brett Ratner stepped down from his role as producer of the Oscar ceremony after he used a gay slur while promoting The Tower Heist. Ratner apologized for the remark, as well as for unintentionally linking the gay community to one of his shitty movies.
In other douchebags-stepping-down news, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi announced he will be resigning this week to devote himself to his first love: hookers.
Human Pez-dispenser Michelle Duggar is expecting her 20th child with husband Jim Bob. Or so she says... But seriously, enough people have passed through her uterus that it now qualifies as a flop house.
In an unrelated story, scream-rockers Linkin Park are partnering with the United Nations, for some reason, in order to provide clean energy to Haitian families impacted by the earthquake. Initially, the families refused to accept the assistance until they were assured that it in no way required them to enjoy the music of Linkin Park.
Yesterday in Blackmon-Leoni Township, Michigan, police caught a six-foot alligator near the Pathway Community Church. So in case Joe Paterno asks, that's what you're supposed to do when you see a six-foot predator on the prowl.
Actor and beard-enthusiast Matthew Fox demanded his trial for punching a bus driver go to a full jury. He'd better hope they didn't watch the LOST finale.
And finally, the White House issued an official statement yesterday denying that the administration has had any contact with aliens. Sure, that's what they say, but until I see a birth certificate, there's no way you're going to convince me James Carville is human.
Whew. That was a lot to get through. If you made it this far, you deserve a treat. So, here you go:
More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day and keep shouting at your computer!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 2, 2011
Hey, everyone! It's Wednesday, which means you're as far from the last weekend as you are from the next. It's like purgatory, except it makes sense. Speaking of making sense, I'll be performing Thursday at the Happy Sounds Comedy Show, 8pm at the Creek and Cave in Queens. If you're in the area, come on out! It's free, for crying out loud. Also free: these jokes.
Arizona authorities busted up a drug ring worth $33million per month because they found out the cartel was using undocumented laborers.
In Japan, the Prime Minister recently drank water from puddles at the Fukushima nuclear reactor to show it was safe. He did it because journalists dared him to. That's also the reason why he was eating worms at a press conference yesterday.
Pizza-man and presidential hopeful Herman Cain denounced the sexual harassment charges against him, calling them a "witch hunt." Christine O'Donnell immediately went into hiding. Because she's a witch.
Relativity Media is shooting a film in the Chinese province of Shandong, despite the fact that Chinese authorities are holding a blind human rights activist under house arrest there. Said a spokesman for the company, "that's okay, he wasn't going to see our movie anyway."
In England, Apple fired an employee for making a disparaging Facebook post about the company, but really it's because he did it using a Blackberry.
Caving in to pressure from customers, Bank of America is cancelling their proposed $5/month debit card fee. Instead, they'll just go back to selling mortgage-backed securities. Everyone wins!
Actress and trainwreck Megan Fox is set to make her Broadway debut this month. Any chance she could join Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark?
Speaking of S-M:TOtD, the musical is about to lose two of its original performers. Careful, you two. I've seen enough Vietnam movies to know it's always the short-timers that get it.
Okay, that's gotta do it for today. Dig deep everyone, and have a great day! I'll see you tomorrow.
Metaphorically, of course. I can't actually see any of you. So you should feel free to continue reading my blog on the toilet in the morning. Nobody can see you but God. Well, that's enough. Bye!
Arizona authorities busted up a drug ring worth $33million per month because they found out the cartel was using undocumented laborers.
In Japan, the Prime Minister recently drank water from puddles at the Fukushima nuclear reactor to show it was safe. He did it because journalists dared him to. That's also the reason why he was eating worms at a press conference yesterday.
Pizza-man and presidential hopeful Herman Cain denounced the sexual harassment charges against him, calling them a "witch hunt." Christine O'Donnell immediately went into hiding. Because she's a witch.
Relativity Media is shooting a film in the Chinese province of Shandong, despite the fact that Chinese authorities are holding a blind human rights activist under house arrest there. Said a spokesman for the company, "that's okay, he wasn't going to see our movie anyway."
In England, Apple fired an employee for making a disparaging Facebook post about the company, but really it's because he did it using a Blackberry.
Caving in to pressure from customers, Bank of America is cancelling their proposed $5/month debit card fee. Instead, they'll just go back to selling mortgage-backed securities. Everyone wins!
Actress and trainwreck Megan Fox is set to make her Broadway debut this month. Any chance she could join Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark?
Speaking of S-M:TOtD, the musical is about to lose two of its original performers. Careful, you two. I've seen enough Vietnam movies to know it's always the short-timers that get it.
Okay, that's gotta do it for today. Dig deep everyone, and have a great day! I'll see you tomorrow.
Metaphorically, of course. I can't actually see any of you. So you should feel free to continue reading my blog on the toilet in the morning. Nobody can see you but God. Well, that's enough. Bye!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 19, 2011
Uh, it's Thursday. I don't know what to say. Maybe something about boxer shorts and late 90s girl rock... we'll go with Dar Williams this time. I don't know. Kinda running out of words. Okay, let's just get to the jokes.
So, the ever classy Queen of England is visiting Ireland, for some reason, and stopped by the scene of the "Bloody Sunday" uprising to lay a wreath in memory of the people who were killed while trying to free themselves from her family. Class act, Mum. In addition to the Bloody Sunday trip, the Queen is planning to visit Joshua Tree and some place where the streets have no name. She refused, however, to see Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark.
Speaking of dead horses I can't stop beating, former Senator Rick Santorum said this week that Senator John McCain, who was tortured for five years by Viet Cong interrogators, doesn't understand interrogation. That's just ridiculous. That would be like John McCain saying that Santorum doesn't understand shit.
Let's class it back up a bit, and talk about the Royal Wedding again. Because why not? So, there's an auction online to raise money for charity by selling off things the royals touched or wore at the wedding, because they are as gods among us, and we shall pray upon their relics. Bidding has been brisk, and in fact the hat that Princess Beatrice wore, the one that looks like a weirdly comfortable toilet seat, is up to $30,000. So, you can pay thirty grand for the original, or you can buy a cheap knock off this summer... in the bathroom fixtures section of Home Depot.
In other auction news, an auction started this week to sell off all the Unabomber's old stuff to raise money for his victims and their families. And just to piss him off even further, the auction is only online.
Do you like art? Do you love it? Do you love it? Hmm? Well, a new study shows that looking at art gives people the same pleasure as being in love. Incidentally, this study was conducted by the Spinster Institute: "leading the charge on love-replacement technology." So now, you can safely say that if someone doesn't get modern art, they're probably no good in bed. Is that right? I'm not a doctor.
Speaking of doctors, the CDC offered tips this week on how to survive a zombie apocalypse. Good to know they've got that whole heart-disease-diabetes-AIDS-cancer-tuberculosis-other-cancer-herpes thing taken care of, so now they can protect us from make-believe diseases. Hey, maybe next week they'll issue tips on how to survive boogie fever. I think it's going around.
Speaking of going around, Saif al-Adel was the last to say "not it" and is now the interim leader of Al Qaeda. Might want to start your exit strategy now, Saif. The notorious organization of international bastards is having trouble finding a new leader, for some reason, and they're not getting any good hits off their Monster.com job posting. Perhaps they should remove the "70 virgins" bit from the compensation package. It makes them sound desperate...
Lastly, producers of the new The Great Gatsby film found a replacement for Ben Affleck. This is good news, of course, but they did have a backup plan: film the rest of his scenes with a sack of potatoes, and see if anyone notices. Oh, is that not fair? You watch The Town and tell me if half of those scenes wouldn't have been better off with 30 pounds of Idaho Russets instead.
Hmm. Potatoes sound good. Have you had a potato today? You go have one, unless you're allergic or avoiding carbs, and come see us again tomorrow. Spencer and Earnest will be joking it up, and I'll be back on Monday. Just you wait. You'll see!
Until then, have a great day!
So, the ever classy Queen of England is visiting Ireland, for some reason, and stopped by the scene of the "Bloody Sunday" uprising to lay a wreath in memory of the people who were killed while trying to free themselves from her family. Class act, Mum. In addition to the Bloody Sunday trip, the Queen is planning to visit Joshua Tree and some place where the streets have no name. She refused, however, to see Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark.
Speaking of dead horses I can't stop beating, former Senator Rick Santorum said this week that Senator John McCain, who was tortured for five years by Viet Cong interrogators, doesn't understand interrogation. That's just ridiculous. That would be like John McCain saying that Santorum doesn't understand shit.
Let's class it back up a bit, and talk about the Royal Wedding again. Because why not? So, there's an auction online to raise money for charity by selling off things the royals touched or wore at the wedding, because they are as gods among us, and we shall pray upon their relics. Bidding has been brisk, and in fact the hat that Princess Beatrice wore, the one that looks like a weirdly comfortable toilet seat, is up to $30,000. So, you can pay thirty grand for the original, or you can buy a cheap knock off this summer... in the bathroom fixtures section of Home Depot.
In other auction news, an auction started this week to sell off all the Unabomber's old stuff to raise money for his victims and their families. And just to piss him off even further, the auction is only online.
Do you like art? Do you love it? Do you love it? Hmm? Well, a new study shows that looking at art gives people the same pleasure as being in love. Incidentally, this study was conducted by the Spinster Institute: "leading the charge on love-replacement technology." So now, you can safely say that if someone doesn't get modern art, they're probably no good in bed. Is that right? I'm not a doctor.
Speaking of doctors, the CDC offered tips this week on how to survive a zombie apocalypse. Good to know they've got that whole heart-disease-diabetes-AIDS-cancer-tuberculosis-other-cancer-herpes thing taken care of, so now they can protect us from make-believe diseases. Hey, maybe next week they'll issue tips on how to survive boogie fever. I think it's going around.
Speaking of going around, Saif al-Adel was the last to say "not it" and is now the interim leader of Al Qaeda. Might want to start your exit strategy now, Saif. The notorious organization of international bastards is having trouble finding a new leader, for some reason, and they're not getting any good hits off their Monster.com job posting. Perhaps they should remove the "70 virgins" bit from the compensation package. It makes them sound desperate...
Lastly, producers of the new The Great Gatsby film found a replacement for Ben Affleck. This is good news, of course, but they did have a backup plan: film the rest of his scenes with a sack of potatoes, and see if anyone notices. Oh, is that not fair? You watch The Town and tell me if half of those scenes wouldn't have been better off with 30 pounds of Idaho Russets instead.
Hmm. Potatoes sound good. Have you had a potato today? You go have one, unless you're allergic or avoiding carbs, and come see us again tomorrow. Spencer and Earnest will be joking it up, and I'll be back on Monday. Just you wait. You'll see!
Until then, have a great day!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 18, 2011
Have you been waiting for Wednesday? Well, this one is a firecracker of a day! I hope you enjoy it, yes I do. Oh, let's forget about it. If you're a Lisa Loeb fan, then the previous three sentences may have been mildly amusing to you. To the rest of you, I'm so sorry. Truthfully. But seriously, check out Firecracker, it's a wonderful album. Do this, I say. You'll love it in a split second. I'm no good at banter, it turns out. But at least I'm not talking about my amazing underpants anymore. Oops. Alright, enjoy these jokes.
You remember Happy Meals, right? They used to sell them and include a little toy for you to play with until you pass out from all the "nutrients" in the meal you just ate, remember? Well, you can't do that anymore in Florida. It's been outlawed! But lobbyists for the restaurant industry are fighting the ban and trying to find loopholes in the law so they can continue to entice children to eat their crappy food in order to get a toy. Not once, apparently, has it occurred to them that it might be easier to JUST SELL THE DAMN TOYS! They must be really committed to poorly-cooked hamburgers. Maybe it's a union thing.
In China, on the other hand, and side of the world, watermelon farmers are having a rough spring this year, as their crops keep exploding. Yes. Exploding watermelons. It's due to a growth hormone, apparently, and it's awful news for Gallagher. But thank goodness it wasn't happening on dairy farms, or this would be a much darker joke.
Speaking of juicy, explosive stories (you like what I did there?), former Governor Arnold Schwarzenneger confirmed yesterday that he secretly fathered a child with a member of his staff ten years ago. How embarrassed must he have been to keep this a secret for so long? I mean, after all, this is a guy who actively and proudly promoted the film Junior. I kinda thought he had no shame.
Also lacking in shame, the producers of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark have ruined a perfectly good Internet meme by turning their colossal turd of a musical into a "good" show. And all they had to do was fire the entire team behind the musical and bring in new leadership. Is it too much to hope that Al Qaeda could... no, I think one miracle per generation is all we can hope for. So go see Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark today! Well, at least the name is still stupid. We can make fun of them for that.
Elsewhere in America, there was good news for American criminals, as FOX announced it has canceled America's Most Wanted after what seems like 600 years on television. Now if rapists, murderers and other miscreants want to get on television, they'll have to audition for X-Factor, just like everyone else. There's no shortcuts to fame, I guess.
In other legal news, the Recording Industry Association of America reached a settlement in its lawsuit against the music "sharing" service Limewire. Under the agreement, record labels will split a payout of $105 million... and artists will get exactly zero dollars. That's fair, right? Well, looks like the music industry is right back where it's supposed to be!
In New York, the taxi fleet is getting classed up. No, we're not going to see cabbies in tuxedos, although that would be awesome. No, a number of new Lexus Hybrids are entering service, so now you can feel classy and environmentally-conscious when you vomit in the back of a cab at 3:00 am.
And finally, in celebrity news, actor and case study Tracy Morgan is apparently back with his old flame, and kidney donor, Tanisha Hall. Tracy made news previously when he, ahem, dumped her after she gave him one of her kidneys. Well, they've reconciled, it seems, which can only mean one thing: looks like someone's relapsing! Heaven forbid.
And I'm all out of jokes. There will be more tomorrow. You should let your friends know, because people like to be included in things. Especially things that are cool. Thanks for stopping by, hope you had a chuckle or eight.
Have a great day!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 26, 2011
Happy Tuesday, everyone! In honor of it being Tuesday, I've written some jokes.
In Washington, Speaker of the House John Boehner said he is open to repealing the massive tax breaks given to American oil companies. A representative from the petroleum industry responded by saying "this is a shocking development. After all, I could have sworn I mailed him his check this month. I'd better send another, just in case."
In a related story, Mississippi Governor and special interest group darling Haley Barbour announced he will not be running for President in 2012. Apparently someone told him how much it pays.
Last night a judge ordered the NFL team owners to lift the lockout, making it possible for the players to return to work. This is a great victory in the struggle for workers' rights in America, one worthy of a Woody Guthrie song. Congratulations to the NFL players for standing together in the face of the man! However, there's no word yet on whether armed men from the Pinkerton Agency will block the locker rooms.
Speaking of strong unions, actor Christopher Tierney, who was seriously injured during a performance of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, rejoined the show this week, proving once again how great the job market is for musical theater actors.
In Oklahoma, the House of Representatives voted to name "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" the official gospel song of the state of Oklahoma. In a close second: "Separation of Church and State is the Devil's Idea." It's actually catchier than you might think. Just ask Utah.
A recent poll found that Egyptians are full of hope about the future for the country. The poll also found that is really hard to figure out when Egyptians are being sarcastic.
And lastly, the FAA fired a third air traffic controller for sleeping on the job this week. Man, those guys really need to form a union. Maybe the NFL can help.
That's all from me for today! Let's see what happens tomorrow. Till then, have a great day, no matter what time of day you have it.
In Washington, Speaker of the House John Boehner said he is open to repealing the massive tax breaks given to American oil companies. A representative from the petroleum industry responded by saying "this is a shocking development. After all, I could have sworn I mailed him his check this month. I'd better send another, just in case."
In a related story, Mississippi Governor and special interest group darling Haley Barbour announced he will not be running for President in 2012. Apparently someone told him how much it pays.
Last night a judge ordered the NFL team owners to lift the lockout, making it possible for the players to return to work. This is a great victory in the struggle for workers' rights in America, one worthy of a Woody Guthrie song. Congratulations to the NFL players for standing together in the face of the man! However, there's no word yet on whether armed men from the Pinkerton Agency will block the locker rooms.
Speaking of strong unions, actor Christopher Tierney, who was seriously injured during a performance of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, rejoined the show this week, proving once again how great the job market is for musical theater actors.
In Oklahoma, the House of Representatives voted to name "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" the official gospel song of the state of Oklahoma. In a close second: "Separation of Church and State is the Devil's Idea." It's actually catchier than you might think. Just ask Utah.
A recent poll found that Egyptians are full of hope about the future for the country. The poll also found that is really hard to figure out when Egyptians are being sarcastic.
In Texas, police were baffled by a homemade grenade found on the side of the highway. Then they remembered that it was Texas.
And lastly, the FAA fired a third air traffic controller for sleeping on the job this week. Man, those guys really need to form a union. Maybe the NFL can help.
That's all from me for today! Let's see what happens tomorrow. Till then, have a great day, no matter what time of day you have it.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Earnest's Weekend Monologue - March 13, 2011
Today's jokes are brought to you by NPR, who wants to remind you that even with all their bosses having been fired and Congress threatening to take away their funding, they are still accepting your donations and tips on job openings.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is going to be representing himself in court. Hes accused of paying for sex with a minor. Of course, he's offended at the accusation; he's never had to pay for sex! And as a business owner, he knows that paying a minor for sex would be a clear violation of Italy's child labor laws. I'm kidding. Italy has no child labor laws. That's actually going to be his defense.
Lindsay Lohan showed up in court this week. She left without a plea bargain but with a gavel, the bailiff's wallet, two watches, and a set of car keys for which she's still trying to find the matching car.
Michele Bachmann made a pretty big mistake this week, telling a crowd in New Hampshire that they were in the state where the shot was heard around the world in Lexington and Concord. Of course, that actually happened in Massachusetts. I think people should give her a break, though. She's already demonstrated a problem with looking off slightly to the right. Apparently that also extends to maps. Of course, the people of New Hampshire were happy just to be recognized for anything, even if by accident. With Bachmann outflanking her in Dumb, Sarah Palin is going to have to turn up the Crazy if she has any hope of standing out during the Republican primaries.
Opening night for Spider Man Turn Off The Dark has been pushed back again-- this time to the middle of June. Despite being in previews, it remains Broadway's highest grossing musical week after week. Amtrak is taking notes. They didn't know people would pay to watch a trainwreck.
There's a Charlie Sheen virus spreading through Facebook and Twitter. A viral outbreak with Charlie Sheen as the source? Come on, you knew it was only a matter of time before that happened.
That's it for now. Come back all week for Seth and Spencer!
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is going to be representing himself in court. Hes accused of paying for sex with a minor. Of course, he's offended at the accusation; he's never had to pay for sex! And as a business owner, he knows that paying a minor for sex would be a clear violation of Italy's child labor laws. I'm kidding. Italy has no child labor laws. That's actually going to be his defense.
Lindsay Lohan showed up in court this week. She left without a plea bargain but with a gavel, the bailiff's wallet, two watches, and a set of car keys for which she's still trying to find the matching car.
Michele Bachmann made a pretty big mistake this week, telling a crowd in New Hampshire that they were in the state where the shot was heard around the world in Lexington and Concord. Of course, that actually happened in Massachusetts. I think people should give her a break, though. She's already demonstrated a problem with looking off slightly to the right. Apparently that also extends to maps. Of course, the people of New Hampshire were happy just to be recognized for anything, even if by accident. With Bachmann outflanking her in Dumb, Sarah Palin is going to have to turn up the Crazy if she has any hope of standing out during the Republican primaries.
Opening night for Spider Man Turn Off The Dark has been pushed back again-- this time to the middle of June. Despite being in previews, it remains Broadway's highest grossing musical week after week. Amtrak is taking notes. They didn't know people would pay to watch a trainwreck.
There's a Charlie Sheen virus spreading through Facebook and Twitter. A viral outbreak with Charlie Sheen as the source? Come on, you knew it was only a matter of time before that happened.
That's it for now. Come back all week for Seth and Spencer!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 10, 2011
Happy Thursday! We've got a great blog for you this morning. Let's get started.
In legal news, Illinois Governor Pat Quinn signed a law Wednesday banning the death penalty in the state. In his signing statement, Quinn said "look, I know that I'm the Governor of Illinois, so chances are good I'm gonna end up in prison at some point. This way, I figure I'll be pretty popular when I get there. Now, who wants to bribe me?"
In a story slightly less stomach-turning, Gwyneth Paltrow is finalizing a record deal, which is good news for people who were getting tired of just hating her in movies and television. Oh, and she had a cook book, right? Yeah, that probably irritated some people, too.
Speaking of irritating, MTV's Real World is about to begin its 25th season, proving that television really is a meritocracy.
In other non-music television news, Michaele Salahi, the insane woman who became famous by sneaking into a White House party, was recently kicked out of VH1's Celebrity Rehab for not actually having an addiction. Well done, VH1 "doctors." Anyone who lies her way onto Celebrity Rehab is clearly the picture of mental health and in no way in need of a psychiatric intervention. In a related story, Michaele just moved in with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
In California, police have stepped up efforts to close down unlicensed medical marijuana shops. This is bad news for ferret-owners.
In legal news, Illinois Governor Pat Quinn signed a law Wednesday banning the death penalty in the state. In his signing statement, Quinn said "look, I know that I'm the Governor of Illinois, so chances are good I'm gonna end up in prison at some point. This way, I figure I'll be pretty popular when I get there. Now, who wants to bribe me?"
The Toyota Motor Company announced this week a new goal of selling 10 million vehicles each year. Also part of the goal: recalling fewer than 10 million vehicles per year. Dream big, Toyota.
Food safety inspectors in the UK ruled that ice cream made from human breast milk is safe for consumption. Also deemed edible by the UK: sausage made from coagulated blood and jelly made from eels.
Speaking of irritating, MTV's Real World is about to begin its 25th season, proving that television really is a meritocracy.
In other non-music television news, Michaele Salahi, the insane woman who became famous by sneaking into a White House party, was recently kicked out of VH1's Celebrity Rehab for not actually having an addiction. Well done, VH1 "doctors." Anyone who lies her way onto Celebrity Rehab is clearly the picture of mental health and in no way in need of a psychiatric intervention. In a related story, Michaele just moved in with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.
In California, police have stepped up efforts to close down unlicensed medical marijuana shops. This is bad news for ferret-owners.
And finally, Julie Taymor was fired this week from the troubled Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark. When asked what she would have done differently, knowing what she does now, she said "first, I wouldn't have let Bono pick that stupid-ass name, as it obviously cursed us. I believe in a just and loving God, and there's clearly no place in His world for a successful musical with a name that stupid. Good luck fixing that fuster-cluck, you Disney ass-clowns!" She then added, "anybody need a musical directed? Anybody? Crap."
That's it for me this week, but come back tomorrow and Sunday for hilarity from Spencer and Earnest, respectively.
Now, this is the spot where I normally ask you to repost this or email it, or whatever, but today, I'd rather you visit one (or more) of these sites:
and show your support for the effort to remove Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker from office, because he is a total douche bag, and in 299 days the good people of Wisconsin can recall his sorry ass. Add your voice to the chorus and let Wisconsin know we've got their back.
That's all for now! See you next time!
Friday, February 25, 2011
Fridays with Spencer: Now with Vitriol
Virgins of the world, rejoice! China is building a theme park based on the World of Warcraft videogame, the park is called Joyland, and two of its five sections are “Terrain of Warcraft”. No word yet on why it's called "Joyland," seeing as how the demographic of Warcraft users are morose human slugs.
Starting next year, a federal law will effectively forbid the production of 100-watt incandescent light bulbs, which are so energy inefficient that they are better used as heating elements in Easy-Bake Ovens than as light sources. Well, Hasbro, after nearly half a century of injuring children and occasionally baking things, you'll have to find another way to tell little girls they belong in the kitchen.
An improv comedian and composer named Justin Moran will open his own Spider-Man musical on March 14—the day before Julie Taymor’s troubled Spider-Man production is scheduled to open. Moran says his show, The Spidey Project: With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility, will open at the Peoples Improv Theater in Manhattan. Moran said, "My play will be a trainwreck as well, but only because I'm a hack. You know all those crappy parody movies that come out when something is popular? It'll be like that... only less thought out and with a smaller budget."
Another black eye for the SEC: The agency’s top lawyer, David Becker, and his brothers inherited more than $1.5 million from their mother that she had earned in Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. The trustee overseeing the case, Irving Picard, has demanded Becker return the money. “This is about my parents' investments. I had nothing to do with my parents' investments," Becker tells the New York Post. He is leaving the SEC next week for a private-sector job, no doubt for one of the firms he was supposed to be regulating.
Things are looking up for Ted Williams. The "golden-voiced" homeless man who became a YouTube star and national sensation, has closed a deal to star in his own reality-TV show that will begin shooting in two weeks. Producers say, "The show will be called Second Chances at Life, and will document how Williams went from having a promising radio career to being homeless, to becoming a national treasure, as well as his attempt to rebuild his career and personal life following his recent slip-up." There you have it America, to be a "National Treasure" you just have to be: drunk, belligerent, violent, and homeless. In a related story, Snooki said she is going to start living in her car.
Rahm Emanuel won Tuesday’s mayoral election. “I'm glad all my hard work PAID-OFF.” Emanuel said in his victory speech, as an aide continued to handout checks.
Kanye West, Twitter, and abortion? The rapper sent the following tweet Wednesday night: “an abortion can cost a ballin' nigga up to 50gs maybe a 100. Gold diggin' bitches be getting pregnant on purpose. #STRAPUP my niggas!” He then followed with the tweet with another message to clarify. “It ain’t happen to me but I know people.” Which leads me to believe that the people Kanye knows, don't know where to find an affordable abortion.
The Arizona legislature is preparing new immigration laws that would outlaw illegal immigrants from driving, attending school, and receiving public benefits. Many of these laws openly flout federal laws. Under the law, schools and hospitals would require IDs; illegal immigrants would be barred from all state licenses, including marriage; and landlords would be required to evict entire families if just one illegal immigrant is found to be living with them. What's better than illegal immigrants living in Arizona? Homeless, sick, uneducated illegal immigrants living in Arizona!
Starting next year, a federal law will effectively forbid the production of 100-watt incandescent light bulbs, which are so energy inefficient that they are better used as heating elements in Easy-Bake Ovens than as light sources. Well, Hasbro, after nearly half a century of injuring children and occasionally baking things, you'll have to find another way to tell little girls they belong in the kitchen.
An improv comedian and composer named Justin Moran will open his own Spider-Man musical on March 14—the day before Julie Taymor’s troubled Spider-Man production is scheduled to open. Moran says his show, The Spidey Project: With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility, will open at the Peoples Improv Theater in Manhattan. Moran said, "My play will be a trainwreck as well, but only because I'm a hack. You know all those crappy parody movies that come out when something is popular? It'll be like that... only less thought out and with a smaller budget."
Another black eye for the SEC: The agency’s top lawyer, David Becker, and his brothers inherited more than $1.5 million from their mother that she had earned in Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. The trustee overseeing the case, Irving Picard, has demanded Becker return the money. “This is about my parents' investments. I had nothing to do with my parents' investments," Becker tells the New York Post. He is leaving the SEC next week for a private-sector job, no doubt for one of the firms he was supposed to be regulating.
Things are looking up for Ted Williams. The "golden-voiced" homeless man who became a YouTube star and national sensation, has closed a deal to star in his own reality-TV show that will begin shooting in two weeks. Producers say, "The show will be called Second Chances at Life, and will document how Williams went from having a promising radio career to being homeless, to becoming a national treasure, as well as his attempt to rebuild his career and personal life following his recent slip-up." There you have it America, to be a "National Treasure" you just have to be: drunk, belligerent, violent, and homeless. In a related story, Snooki said she is going to start living in her car.
Rahm Emanuel won Tuesday’s mayoral election. “I'm glad all my hard work PAID-OFF.” Emanuel said in his victory speech, as an aide continued to handout checks.
Kanye West, Twitter, and abortion? The rapper sent the following tweet Wednesday night: “an abortion can cost a ballin' nigga up to 50gs maybe a 100. Gold diggin' bitches be getting pregnant on purpose. #STRAPUP my niggas!” He then followed with the tweet with another message to clarify. “It ain’t happen to me but I know people.” Which leads me to believe that the people Kanye knows, don't know where to find an affordable abortion.
The Arizona legislature is preparing new immigration laws that would outlaw illegal immigrants from driving, attending school, and receiving public benefits. Many of these laws openly flout federal laws. Under the law, schools and hospitals would require IDs; illegal immigrants would be barred from all state licenses, including marriage; and landlords would be required to evict entire families if just one illegal immigrant is found to be living with them. What's better than illegal immigrants living in Arizona? Homeless, sick, uneducated illegal immigrants living in Arizona!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 9, 2011
Did anyone else think that the National Anthem was handled with greater care and respect at the Puppy Bowl than the Super Bowl? Well, how about some jokes?
Still reeling from a slew of negative reviews from theater critics, the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark suffered another setback this week when it was featured in a new Groupon commercial. That's a tough break, which is also what happened to the limbs of several actors in the production.
In China, fireworks set off to celebrate Chinese New Year caused 194 fires in Beijing. No fatalities were reported, however, which is largely due to the repeated fire safety drills and evacuations encouraged by the Chinese government. Yes, that's a Chinese Fire Drill joke.
A recent study found that Facebook is replacing Craigslist as the go-to website for prostitution, which is good news for people who "LIKE" paying for sex with strangers.
In other Facebook news, Mark Zuckerberg is being stalked on Facebook. At Myspace headquarters, Tom said "boy, I sure am glad I don't have that problem. Zucks to be you! That's funny, right," he asked to an empty room.
In Syria, the government lifted a recent ban on Facebook, which is great news for Syrian prostitutes. The previous ban, which also covered YouTube, had been in place for three years, meaning that Syrians have never seen Auto-Tune The News. We really do take our freedoms for granted.
In celebrity news, Pancho Villa's finger is for sale in Texas pawn shop. The owner of the pawn shop hopes that the notoriety from the finger will stir up business, because if there's one thing you want in your store, it's a bunch of people who are interested in buying old human body parts.
In old musician news, Eddie Van Halen donated his guitar to the Smithsonian. It will be on display alongside his original hip and David Lee Roth's dignity.
Lastly, the Mayor of Detroit nixed plans for a lifesize statue of RoboCop, saying that it would reinforce the idea that Detroit is violent and dangerous. Also reinforcing that idea: rampant violence in Detroit.
Alright, that's it. Thank your for your cooperation.
Still reeling from a slew of negative reviews from theater critics, the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark suffered another setback this week when it was featured in a new Groupon commercial. That's a tough break, which is also what happened to the limbs of several actors in the production.
In China, fireworks set off to celebrate Chinese New Year caused 194 fires in Beijing. No fatalities were reported, however, which is largely due to the repeated fire safety drills and evacuations encouraged by the Chinese government. Yes, that's a Chinese Fire Drill joke.
A recent study found that Facebook is replacing Craigslist as the go-to website for prostitution, which is good news for people who "LIKE" paying for sex with strangers.
In other Facebook news, Mark Zuckerberg is being stalked on Facebook. At Myspace headquarters, Tom said "boy, I sure am glad I don't have that problem. Zucks to be you! That's funny, right," he asked to an empty room.
In Syria, the government lifted a recent ban on Facebook, which is great news for Syrian prostitutes. The previous ban, which also covered YouTube, had been in place for three years, meaning that Syrians have never seen Auto-Tune The News. We really do take our freedoms for granted.
In celebrity news, Pancho Villa's finger is for sale in Texas pawn shop. The owner of the pawn shop hopes that the notoriety from the finger will stir up business, because if there's one thing you want in your store, it's a bunch of people who are interested in buying old human body parts.
In old musician news, Eddie Van Halen donated his guitar to the Smithsonian. It will be on display alongside his original hip and David Lee Roth's dignity.
Lastly, the Mayor of Detroit nixed plans for a lifesize statue of RoboCop, saying that it would reinforce the idea that Detroit is violent and dangerous. Also reinforcing that idea: rampant violence in Detroit.
Alright, that's it. Thank your for your cooperation.
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