Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 18, 2011

Have you been waiting for Wednesday? Well, this one is a firecracker of a day! I hope you enjoy it, yes I do. Oh, let's forget about it. If you're a Lisa Loeb fan, then the previous three sentences may have been mildly amusing to you. To the rest of you, I'm so sorry. Truthfully. But seriously, check out Firecracker, it's a wonderful album. Do this, I say. You'll love it in a split second. I'm no good at banter, it turns out. But at least I'm not talking about my amazing underpants anymore. Oops. Alright, enjoy these jokes.

You remember Happy Meals, right? They used to sell them and include a little toy for you to play with until you pass out from all the "nutrients" in the meal you just ate, remember? Well, you can't do that anymore in Florida. It's been outlawed! But lobbyists for the restaurant industry are fighting the ban and trying to find loopholes in the law so they can continue to entice children to eat their crappy food in order to get a toy. Not once, apparently, has it occurred to them that it might be easier to JUST SELL THE  DAMN TOYS! They must be really committed to poorly-cooked hamburgers. Maybe it's a union thing.

In China, on the other hand, and side of the world, watermelon farmers are having a rough spring this year, as their crops keep exploding. Yes. Exploding watermelons. It's due to a growth hormone, apparently, and it's awful news for Gallagher. But thank goodness it wasn't happening on dairy farms, or this would be a much darker joke.

Speaking of juicy, explosive stories (you like what I did there?), former Governor Arnold Schwarzenneger confirmed yesterday that he secretly fathered a child with a member of his staff ten years ago. How embarrassed must he have been to keep this a secret for so long? I mean, after all, this is a guy who actively and proudly promoted the film Junior. I kinda thought he had no shame.

Also lacking in shame, the producers of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark have ruined a perfectly good Internet meme by turning their colossal turd of a musical into a "good" show. And all they had to do was fire the entire team behind the musical and bring in new leadership. Is it too much to hope that Al Qaeda could... no, I think one miracle per generation is all we can hope for. So go see Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark today! Well, at least the name is still stupid. We can make fun of them for that.

Elsewhere in America, there was good news for American criminals, as FOX announced it has canceled America's Most Wanted after what seems like 600 years on television. Now if rapists, murderers and other miscreants want to get on television, they'll have to audition for X-Factor, just like everyone else. There's no shortcuts to fame, I guess.

In other legal news, the Recording Industry Association of America reached a settlement in its lawsuit against the music "sharing" service Limewire. Under the agreement, record labels will split a payout of $105 million... and artists will get exactly zero dollars. That's fair, right? Well, looks like the music industry is right back where it's supposed to be!

In New York, the taxi fleet is getting classed up. No, we're not going to see cabbies in tuxedos, although that would be awesome. No, a number of new Lexus Hybrids are entering service, so now you can feel classy and environmentally-conscious when you vomit in the back of a cab at 3:00 am.

And finally, in celebrity news, actor and case study Tracy Morgan is apparently back with his old flame, and kidney donor, Tanisha Hall. Tracy made news previously when he, ahem, dumped her after she gave him one of her kidneys. Well, they've reconciled, it seems, which can only mean one thing: looks like someone's relapsing! Heaven forbid.

And I'm all out of jokes. There will be more tomorrow. You should let your friends know, because people like to be included in things. Especially things that are cool. Thanks for stopping by, hope you had a chuckle or eight.

Have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 17, 2011

Welcome back. I'm starting to think that you've come here just for the jokes, and not to hear about my underpants. Is that true? Looks like I have some soul-searching to do. At least I'll be wearing a pair of super-comfortable Hanes Boxers while I do it. Okay, here's some jokes.

In Wisconsin, soon-to-be-former Governor Scott Walker said that the proposed domestic partner law before the state legislature is "unconstitutional." And if anyone should be able to spot an unconstitutional law, it's Scott Walker.

Elsewhere in America, the federal government is about to hit the debt ceiling, meaning it will soon default on loans and other financial obligations. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has a plan, though. America is going to change its name, and no one will answer the phone anymore for unknown callers. Seriously, you guys. Don't answer the phone.

In news about bankruptcy of another sort, the Vatican suggested this weekend that Bishops should report instances of abuse in their parishes to the police. Conspicuously absent from the declaration: a reminder not to abuse children. They did, however, cancel plans for production of an anti-abuse training video directed by Roman Polanski. Although, I bet he's pretty good at spotting sexually abusive behavior. He's kind of like the Scott Walker of rape.

That got dark. Sorry. In technology news, BlackBerry-maker RIM is recalling up to 1,000 of their new PlayBook tablet computers, due to defects. The recall is good news, though, as it has raised demand for PlayBooks by 1000%.

This week a German man was sentenced to six months in jail for spider smuggling. In other news, plum smuggling is still legal, and amazingly comfortable in a pair of cotton-poly-blend Hanes Boxer Briefs.

In Chicago, Rahm Emmanuel was sworn into office as Mayor this weekend, although there was some initial doubt as to whether or not his oath of office was valid, considering the number of "f-bombs" he inserted into the text.

This weekend, celebrity photographers spotted former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone at a restaurant together. It was, by far, the most action-packed and least intelligible brunch in America. In other news, it was the first time anyone ate at Planet Hollywood in six months!

Lastly, dermatologists this week published a study on Morgellons syndrome, a condition in which patients feel a constant creepy, crawly sensation underneath their skin for no discernable medical reason. Doctors may be nearing a breakthrough in determining the cause, however, when they discovered that every patient developed symptoms after hanging out with Roman Polanski. Creepy little shit.

Okay, that's all. Tell your friends, why don't ya, and let us know how we're doing. Are you tired of hearing about my boxers yet? I have to assume that you aren't, unless you say something. I do hope this brightened your day a bit, and I look forward to amusing you again tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 11, 2011

It's already Wednesday, and I'm still excited about my new boxer shorts. And just so you know, I'm open to the possibility of a celebrity endorsement deal, despite my lack of celebrity. I guess what I'm saying is, I want to be an underwear model. That's normal, right? Okay, enough of my banter.

There was big news in the Internet yesterday. Microsoft bought Skype for $8.5 billion, making it by far the most expensive cell phone plan in history. Already, Steve Ballmer is planning to work his Zune magic on the popular service, saying in a conference call "this thing doesn't crash nearly often enough! And where are the viruses?!" See, he makes odd choices with new products sometimes. Maybe he'll spend seven years trying to make Skype compatible with the Kin.

Speaking of kin, former royal person Sarah Ferguson said she felt snubbed when she didn't get an invitation to the royal wedding last week. "Seriously," she said, "who do you have to bone to get an invitation to that thing? Oh, right. Anybody else available?" Serious inquiries only, fellas... and ladies.

Speaking of competition, The Voice is bringing former television network NBC some great ratings this season. The main reason for its success? Jeff Zucker hasn't heard about it yet. Boom! He's the Steve Ballmer of television. Okay.

In sadder news, former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are splitting up after 25 years of marriage. My heart goes out to them both, and this is a terribly sad occasion. And although she's too classy to admit it, I bet this is because of that stupid cameo he did in The Expendables. I mean, come on, bad things deserve to happen to a guy who does something like that. Oh, and lending his likeness to Terminator: Salvation! He did that, right? I don't know, I didn't see it. Regardless, the point is, the man is a monster.

Speaking of monsters, party officials in North Korea are ramping up agricultural production... of heroin. That's right. Heroin. It makes a certain kind of sense, considering the entire country is so starving that they all look like heroin addicts. Actually, it's probably part of their secret plan: "Operation Batshit Crazy." Next up, we'll probably hear that Kim Jong Il was crushed underneath a horse wearing Victoria's Secret lingerie. I can't wait to hear the McLaughlin Group discuss that one.

In other international news, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was digitally removed from a photograph of the White House staff when the photo ran in a Hasidic newspaper this week. Hey, good job fighting the "they control the media" stereotype, guys. (ha ha, just kidding, you mensches)

In other bigotry news, former (thankfully) Senator Rick Santorum won a GOP presidential poll in South Carolina this weekend. One local pundit explained the win by saying "he's about the caliber of politician we're used to in South Carolina. Heck, he's awful enough to be our governor."

And lastly, a recent national poll revealed that more than half of Republican voters are unsure that President Obama was born in America, despite the fact that he was clearly born in America. Over fifty percent of Republican voters... Fortunately, they're still American voters, so they probably don't vote. Patrick Henry must feel like a total tool right about now.

Okay, that's it for the blog, but we've got a great day planned for you, and we'll be making fun of it tomorrow. Did you tell your friends? You should, they've got too much time on their hands. Anyway, we'll see you tomorrow. Have a great day until then!

Monday Morning Monologue - January 3, 2011

Alright, let's get to it.

Gwenyth Paltrow recently credited her costar Robert Downey, Jr. for teaching her how to convincingly play a drug addict. In response, Downey said "I do not remember that at all."