Begin coasting now, everyone. It's the middle of the week. Time to not give a damn. Except for jokes. You should always take jokes seriously. Like these, for instance.
Herman Cain said yesterday that due to the latest allegations that he has been having an affair, he will "reassess" his campaign, which likely means he will be looking for a new piece of ass on his campaign staff.
He likes the ladies.
Good news, book fans! Fahrenheit 451, the cautionary tale of technology's power to sap our humanity, is finally out as an eBook. This is great, because I was looking for a way to read great sci-fi literature while still signaling to the world that I in no way understand what I'm reading.
Speaking of not getting it, Miley Cyrus came out in support of the Occupy Wall Street movement. No comment yet from Hannah Montana.
The Gay Softball World Series settled a suit from three players who were banned in 2008 because they were suspected of not being gay. I can't tell if this is a step forward for gay rights or not.
In Connecticut, a pair of wealth fund managers won a $254 million lottery prize this weekend. One of them said, "wow, this would be really exciting if I weren't already so wealthy!"
John Hinckley is petitioning for release from a D.C. mental hospital on the grounds that he's no longer a danger to society as it turns out Reagan is dead and Jodie Foster is a lesbian.
In the UK, a toilet designer is working on urinal video games to "combat boredom" in the bathroom. The first game is "Space Invaders," but it has more to do with people who stand too close to you while you pee. Also, you really should wash your hands after touching the joystick.
And finally, the National Institute of Health in the UK found that patients in admitted to the hospital on the weekend are more likely to die than people admitted during the week. So, plan your heart attacks accordingly.
See, told you it was time to coast. I hope you enjoyed these, and hope you'll check out more tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
Showing posts with label irony. Show all posts
Showing posts with label irony. Show all posts
Monday, November 28, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 8, 2011
Good morning, friends and strangers! And good morning to my stranger friends. You know who you are. But who am I to judge? After all, I wrote these ridiculous jokes, which you're about to read. Enjoy!
In a disturbing new trend, some parents have begun sending lollipops laced with chicken pox to other parents, to spread the virus to uninfected children. Rick Perry has vetoed a similar plan in Texas to distribute the HPV vaccine.
Also in Texas, a man went on trial yesterday for allegedly trying to sneak out of the country to join Al Qaida. He faces 25 years in prison for attempting to aid the enemy, and an additional two weeks of grounding for sneaking out after curfew.
A study released this month revealed that approximately half of US students in grades 7 - 12 face sexual harassment while the rest are ugly.
Speaking of harassment, yet another woman has released details of an alleged unwanted sexual advance from Herman Cain. It's amazing that he keeps trying, considering how many times he gets rejected. It's like he's the Ron Paul of sexual harassment.
In Arizona, Prince Harry surprised diners in the small town of Gila, when he stopped in for lunch with friends from his military unit. He was then ejected from the state for being an alien. Looks like it isn't a racist law after all.
At Harvard, students in an economics class staged a protest walk out this week, because they felt their professor favored the rich over the poor. In a related story, teachers in the English department said "see, everyone: that's irony." They then went back to studying how to be unemployable.
International inspectors said this month that Iran is about to go nuclear. They first suspected it when, during a recent inspection, they found scientists reading copies of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret, and I've Got a Bunch of Enriched Uranium.
And finally, the Greek Prime Minister resigned this week, ending his government. The Greek Parliament said they will now form a new government, and they plan to deal with the debt crisis by not answering the old government's phone or email.
And that's it. Enjoy the rest of your day, weirdos. See you tomorrow! Till then, have a great day.
In a disturbing new trend, some parents have begun sending lollipops laced with chicken pox to other parents, to spread the virus to uninfected children. Rick Perry has vetoed a similar plan in Texas to distribute the HPV vaccine.
Also in Texas, a man went on trial yesterday for allegedly trying to sneak out of the country to join Al Qaida. He faces 25 years in prison for attempting to aid the enemy, and an additional two weeks of grounding for sneaking out after curfew.
A study released this month revealed that approximately half of US students in grades 7 - 12 face sexual harassment while the rest are ugly.
Speaking of harassment, yet another woman has released details of an alleged unwanted sexual advance from Herman Cain. It's amazing that he keeps trying, considering how many times he gets rejected. It's like he's the Ron Paul of sexual harassment.
In Arizona, Prince Harry surprised diners in the small town of Gila, when he stopped in for lunch with friends from his military unit. He was then ejected from the state for being an alien. Looks like it isn't a racist law after all.
At Harvard, students in an economics class staged a protest walk out this week, because they felt their professor favored the rich over the poor. In a related story, teachers in the English department said "see, everyone: that's irony." They then went back to studying how to be unemployable.
International inspectors said this month that Iran is about to go nuclear. They first suspected it when, during a recent inspection, they found scientists reading copies of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret, and I've Got a Bunch of Enriched Uranium.
And finally, the Greek Prime Minister resigned this week, ending his government. The Greek Parliament said they will now form a new government, and they plan to deal with the debt crisis by not answering the old government's phone or email.
And that's it. Enjoy the rest of your day, weirdos. See you tomorrow! Till then, have a great day.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - July 25, 2011
What is this, Monday? Oh, the Hell with that.
Okay, jokes now.
This week, an Italian diesel tanker was seized by pirates in the open sea off the coast of Benin, in west Africa. Just so we're clear, American manufacturing is shrinking, while African sea piracy is expanding. Whatever the IMF is doing, they need to start doing the opposite.
Speaking of money, Speaker Boehner walked out of debt-ceiling discussions with President Obama on Friday and then refused to take his call. Seems like a dick move, Boehner. Yes, that's right, you get jokes about how your name sounds like "boner" until you quit acting like a penis.
In news of talks that stand a chance in Hell, the U.S. State Department invited representatives from North Korea to rejoin anti-proliferation talks. North Korea said they will return to the negotiations on the condition of tacos. They want tacos. Because they have no food! Sad. But tacos sure are good, right?
Someone who won't be enjoying tacos for a while? R&B singer R. Kelly. Mr. Kelly recently had emergency tonsil surgery, and we wish him the best as he recovers. His publicist issued a statement saying that he won't be able to sing during recovery, but he should have no problems peeing on people.
In other romantic news, singer/dancer/Abdul-replacer Jennifer Lopez capped off the end of her marriage by flying to The Ukraine to perform at wedding reception, because apparently there's no word in Ukranian for "irony."
Speaking of international entertainers, Canadian law enforcement authorities have declined to honor American extradition requests for Randy Quaid, saying that "he's just too damn fun!" Seriously, the guy can be pretty entertaining. I can understand why they'd want to keep him. After all, we're keeping Dave Foley, so it seems only fair.
In other entertainment money news, a rare photo of the Beatles' first U.S. concert recently sold for $360,000 at auction. And Ringo still won't sign it.
And finally, Sunday marked the first day that gay marriage became legal in the state of New York. Many church groups vehemently protested this expansion of civil rights, including many predominantly black churches, because apparently there's no word in the Bible for "irony."
That's it. And I mean that sincerely. Let's do this again, what say? How about in roughly 24 hours? So, if you have an entire season of 24 saved on your DVR, with commercials, start watching it now, and when you're done, there should be another one of these things to read.
Till then, have a great day!
Okay, jokes now.
This week, an Italian diesel tanker was seized by pirates in the open sea off the coast of Benin, in west Africa. Just so we're clear, American manufacturing is shrinking, while African sea piracy is expanding. Whatever the IMF is doing, they need to start doing the opposite.
Speaking of money, Speaker Boehner walked out of debt-ceiling discussions with President Obama on Friday and then refused to take his call. Seems like a dick move, Boehner. Yes, that's right, you get jokes about how your name sounds like "boner" until you quit acting like a penis.
In news of talks that stand a chance in Hell, the U.S. State Department invited representatives from North Korea to rejoin anti-proliferation talks. North Korea said they will return to the negotiations on the condition of tacos. They want tacos. Because they have no food! Sad. But tacos sure are good, right?
Someone who won't be enjoying tacos for a while? R&B singer R. Kelly. Mr. Kelly recently had emergency tonsil surgery, and we wish him the best as he recovers. His publicist issued a statement saying that he won't be able to sing during recovery, but he should have no problems peeing on people.
In other romantic news, singer/dancer/Abdul-replacer Jennifer Lopez capped off the end of her marriage by flying to The Ukraine to perform at wedding reception, because apparently there's no word in Ukranian for "irony."
Speaking of international entertainers, Canadian law enforcement authorities have declined to honor American extradition requests for Randy Quaid, saying that "he's just too damn fun!" Seriously, the guy can be pretty entertaining. I can understand why they'd want to keep him. After all, we're keeping Dave Foley, so it seems only fair.
In other entertainment money news, a rare photo of the Beatles' first U.S. concert recently sold for $360,000 at auction. And Ringo still won't sign it.
And finally, Sunday marked the first day that gay marriage became legal in the state of New York. Many church groups vehemently protested this expansion of civil rights, including many predominantly black churches, because apparently there's no word in the Bible for "irony."
That's it. And I mean that sincerely. Let's do this again, what say? How about in roughly 24 hours? So, if you have an entire season of 24 saved on your DVR, with commercials, start watching it now, and when you're done, there should be another one of these things to read.
Till then, have a great day!
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