Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 19, 2011

We all need a distraction from time to time. Today, like every other day, it's gonna be jokes.

Following the peaceful election of Goodluck Jonathan in Nigeria, riots broke out across the country, right on schedule.

A company recently started selling a home STD test, touting the importance of privacy and discretion. After accusations that the tests are largely inaccurate, the manufacturer explained that the test is so private, not even the patient can be told the results.

The U.S. Navy recently unveiled new laser-based weaponry that will be used to fight pirates in what has been dubbed Operation Totally Awesome.

Justin Bieber lost his crown as the most viewed on YouTube last week to Rebecca Black and her video for "Friday." A confused Bieber said "Wait a minute, her song sucks... have I been doing this wrong the while time?"

The Volkswagen Beetle is undergoing yet another redesign. The company is just trying to get as far away from Hitler's original design as possible.

Dating website Match.Com began screening it's users to identify sex offenders. Membership in eHarmony expected to explode.

Donald Trump recently called America a laughingstock, but made no reference to his hair.

And finally, Google has begun teaching computers to feel regret, and shame. Next they'll be learning to appreciate the films of Ingmar Bergman.

That's all for today! See you tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - April 18, 2011

Let's get this week started right, by making fun of serious things that happened in the world.

In Rhode Island, a group of monks started recruiting online. They're hoping to find guys who enjoy being alone, not talking out loud and not interacting with women at all.

In Nigeria, Goodluck Jonathan appears to have won the presidential election. He credited his supporters and his name.

This week, Variety Magazine lost a legal battle with the punk group The Vandals, probably because their briefs were written in that stupid abbreviated lingo.

Sad human being and funny man David Arquette said recently he was "tired of talking about" Courtney Cox. He made the comment during a 40 minute interview about his relationship with Courtney Cox.

In Oregon, authorities are trying to deny gun permits for medical marijuana users, arguing that people shouldn't have guns while under the influence of pot. But alcohol and hunting are still great together.

Retired (?) director Woody Allen said that French leader Nicolas Sarkozy could play roles similar to Humphrey Bogart, because the two men are very similar. First and foremost, they're both short and get women that are way too hot for them.

I just picked up "The King's Speech" on DVD, but the disc keeps skipping.

And finally, Raul Castro called for term limits in Cuba this weekend, saying "fifty, sixty years is probably enough. Hint, hint."

That's it for me. Hope you had a great laugh and shared it with your friends. See you tomorrow, and have a great day!