No time for joviality. We've got jokes to get through.
Hacker group LulzSec is back in action, announcing a recent attack on the armed forces dating website MilitarySingles.com, in a coordinated effort they've dubbed "Operation Cockblock."
Beef Products Inc. is reeling from outrage over their so-called "pink slime" beef additive. In response to the negative press, they'll be rebranding the filler as "Rosy Ooze." Which sounds like a roller derby player.
Octomother Nadya Suleman just posed for topless photos for the British magazine Closer in order to pay rent and feed her children. Does this sound to anyone else like a soft-core porn adaptation of Bleak House?
Khloe Kardashian quit PETA this week, after the organization offered to pay court costs for the woman who threw a flour-bomb at Kim Kardashian. Khloe had previously posed nude for their anti-fur campaign, at which point it somehow didn't occur to her that the organization was insane.
New research indicates that eating chocolate can help you slim down, says the sad woman at your office.
AT&T is rolling out a new loyalty program, offering special incentives for customers to stay with the mobile phone giant. They're offering increased tech support, waived fees, and discounts on some products. Decent service is still unavailable.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn was arrested in Paris this week on charges of pimping. In response to the pimping charges, the defiant Strauss-Kahn issued a statement through his lawyers that he would persevere through this newest trial. He went on to say that his eventual triumph would not be easy, but it is necessary. He then added, "bitch better have my money."
And finally, in related Dominique Strauss-Kahn news, the embattled lady-enthusiast was held in jail overnight before being released on bail. Hmm. One night without hookers. This does not bode well for the women of Paris.
Take heed, take cover, and take another little piece of my heart. See you tomorrow, friends.
Showing posts with label hooker. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hooker. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - September 15, 2011
Okay, enough of this sketch business. Today you get more written funny business. Mainly because I don't want to run out of sketches. But also because I had time to write these jokes. So, enjoy!
A study found the slowest download speeds in America are in Idaho. Serves them right, the stupid potato heads. Oh, don't worry. They'll never be able to read this site.
In New York, the Republican party took control of Former Congressman Anthony Weiner's seat. But his crotch remains, as always, totally out of control.
Elizabeth Warren, who had her appointment to the Consumer Protection Agency filibustered in Congress and who spent countless hours testifying before House and Senate committees, has decided to run for the Senate. It makes sense, though. After all, if she were a senator, she'd probably have to spend less time at the Senate than she does now.
A Dutch woman is facing stalking charges for calling a man 65,000 times in one year. But don't worry: it was the Verizon guy.
On the Internet, Perez Hilton is starting a website for celebrity families and the children of stars, because you're never too young to find out that strangers hate you.
The Broadway musical The Phantom of the Opera will soon turn 25 years old. In celebration, movie theaters across the country will host a broadcast of a live performance. Meanwhile, DVDs from the 2004 film adaptation are being shredded and turned into insulation.
In England, a former Toys R Us manager was found to have paid a hooker over $30,000 a week for her services. A judge is trying to help the store recoup some of those losses, but the hooker in question has a strict no return, no refund policy. Although she will offer store credit for unopened packages. What am I even talking about?!
And finally, the return of the NFL brought some much needed ratings to NBC, which has struggled in recent decades. Trying to capitalize on the resurgent popularity of the sport on television, look for NBC to work football into all their programs. First up: Ben Roethlisberger guest stars on a very special To Catch a Predator.
Okay, I'm done for the week. Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks-related fun. And I'll see you on Monday!
A study found the slowest download speeds in America are in Idaho. Serves them right, the stupid potato heads. Oh, don't worry. They'll never be able to read this site.
In New York, the Republican party took control of Former Congressman Anthony Weiner's seat. But his crotch remains, as always, totally out of control.
Elizabeth Warren, who had her appointment to the Consumer Protection Agency filibustered in Congress and who spent countless hours testifying before House and Senate committees, has decided to run for the Senate. It makes sense, though. After all, if she were a senator, she'd probably have to spend less time at the Senate than she does now.
A Dutch woman is facing stalking charges for calling a man 65,000 times in one year. But don't worry: it was the Verizon guy.
On the Internet, Perez Hilton is starting a website for celebrity families and the children of stars, because you're never too young to find out that strangers hate you.
The Broadway musical The Phantom of the Opera will soon turn 25 years old. In celebration, movie theaters across the country will host a broadcast of a live performance. Meanwhile, DVDs from the 2004 film adaptation are being shredded and turned into insulation.
In England, a former Toys R Us manager was found to have paid a hooker over $30,000 a week for her services. A judge is trying to help the store recoup some of those losses, but the hooker in question has a strict no return, no refund policy. Although she will offer store credit for unopened packages. What am I even talking about?!
And finally, the return of the NFL brought some much needed ratings to NBC, which has struggled in recent decades. Trying to capitalize on the resurgent popularity of the sport on television, look for NBC to work football into all their programs. First up: Ben Roethlisberger guest stars on a very special To Catch a Predator.
Okay, I'm done for the week. Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks-related fun. And I'll see you on Monday!
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