Thursday Morning Monologue - January 5, 2011

Good morning, friends! Doing anything inappropriate today? Sure hope so. You can start by laughing inappropriately loudly at these jokes and sending them to an inappropriate number of your friends. Commence enjoyment!

In Florida, a boy was hit by bullets shot into the air in celebration on New Year's Eve. He survived, and is recuperating in a local hospital, and doctors said yesterday that his condition is improving. Now, this is good news, Florida, but please resist the urge to celebrate it by firing wildly into the air.

Chinese television stations were ordered by the government to cut their entertainment programming by two thirds. They plan to fill the empty time with episodes of Whitney.

Marine biologists discovered a new species of sea crab, which has been dubbed "The Hoff" because of its hairy chest and its inexplicable popularity among Germans.

In Utah, a woman arrested for shoplifting claimed to be one of the "Cosby kids" from The Cosby Show. Authorities doubted her story, however, when they realized she was white.

Starbucks is raising its prices by 1% in certain parts of the country. I can't help feeling that this is somehow tied in with Occupy Wall Street. If it is, screw those hippies for making my soy chai latte marginally more expensive!

In political news, Rick Santorum lost the Iowa caucus by 8 votes, or .42 Duggars.

And Michele Bachmann, who finished in sixth place, is dropping out of the race. She explained, "If I can't win over assholes like Iowa Republicans, then I've got no business running."

And finally, Google is in trouble for reportedly paying bloggers to create pro-Chrome blog posts to raise the web browser's profile, which is ridiculous. Google Chrome is so intuitive, user-friendly, stable and feature-packed that it doesn't need any help getting publicity. It's just that good! Seriously.

Sorry, but I really need the money for chai.

And that's all for me this week! Spencer takes over tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 3, 2012

Not a lot of news so far this year. Maybe Iowa will be interesting. Until then, enjoy these scraps!

In San Diego, a prisoner stole a firetruck as part of an escape plan on Sunday. Fortunately he didn't get away, because the city couldn't afford to keep any gas in the truck.

In television news, the Duggar family, stars of 19 and Counting, announced their support for Rick Santorum for president, doubling his supporters.

Speaking of families, a 100 year-old woman was reunited this weekend with her daughter after 77 years. She'd been trying to contact her daughter for years, but she unfortunately is on the AT&T network.

South Korean President Lee Myung-bak said he is ready for new era in relations between North and South Korea. He's also ready for dinosaurs to come back and humans to learn how to fly.

Russel Brand is divorcing Katy Perry. Apparently he finally got around to listening to her music.

Speaking of music, "Can't Get You Out of My Head" was named the "most-played" song of the aughts. Or at least it felt like it.

Rupert Murdoch started using Twitter this week, although no one has the heart to tell him he doesn't own it yet.

And finally, South Carolina governor Nikki Haley has come under attack from conservatives for endorsing Mitt Romney. Said one Tea Party operative, "when we supported her election campaign, it was under the assumption that she would not be using her own mind in any capacity. Like Rick Perry."

And that's all. More tomorrow, promise!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 9, 2011

Hey, how is everyone? Keep in mind that if you shout at your computer really, really loudly, I can actually hear you. But only if it's very early in the morning and other people in the house are trying to sleep. So... there's that. And here's some jokes.

Broadway director Julie Taymor said yesterday that she is suing the producers of Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark for depriving her of her share of the show's royalties and violating her creative rights by forcing her out of the production. The producers offered her a chance to share in the production, however, saying they'd be happy to break her legs. Seems fair.

Stereotypical Hollywood douchebag Brett Ratner stepped down from his role as producer of the Oscar ceremony after he used a gay slur while promoting The Tower Heist. Ratner apologized for the remark, as well as for unintentionally linking the gay community to one of his shitty movies.

In other douchebags-stepping-down news, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi announced he will be resigning this week to devote himself to his first love: hookers.

Human Pez-dispenser Michelle Duggar is expecting her 20th child with husband Jim Bob. Or so she says... But seriously, enough people have passed through her uterus that it now qualifies as a flop house.

In an unrelated story, scream-rockers Linkin Park are partnering with the United Nations, for some reason, in order to provide clean energy to Haitian families impacted by the earthquake. Initially, the families refused to accept the assistance until they were assured that it in no way required them to enjoy the music of Linkin Park.

Yesterday in Blackmon-Leoni Township, Michigan, police caught a six-foot alligator near the Pathway Community Church. So in case Joe Paterno asks, that's what you're supposed to do when you see a six-foot predator on the prowl.

Actor and beard-enthusiast Matthew Fox demanded his trial for punching a bus driver go to a full jury. He'd better hope they didn't watch the LOST finale.

And finally, the White House issued an official statement yesterday denying that the administration has had any contact with aliens. Sure, that's what they say, but until I see a birth certificate, there's no way you're going to convince me James Carville is human.

Whew. That was a lot to get through. If you made it this far, you deserve a treat. So, here you go:

More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day and keep shouting at your computer!