Just kidding! Or, I will be in about one more sentence. Yeah, that sounds right.
Child-molesting jerk Jerry Sandusky said from prison yesterday "in my heart, I know I did not do these alleged, disgusting acts." That's true. He did them mainly in a shower.
Enjoy prison, you piece of crap.
In other piece of crap news, a 26 year-old man was arrested for defacing a Rothko painting in London this week. He was captured when he turned up asking for his name to be added to the label.
Museum joke!
Kid Rock said that he will support Rep. Paul Ryan, even if it costs him his fans. He also said the same thing about releasing his last album.
British rugby player Paul Wood was joking yesterday about losing a testicle in a recent match. He put up missing posters, but so far hasn't heard dick about it.
Good news! The American crocodile is coming back. In a related story, something just ate your dog.
Doctors are studying whether or not a daily dose of fatty acids may be able to lower returning veterans' suicide risk. It's either that, or provide them with adequate physical and psychological rehabilitation and some sort of jobs program.
Writer Kelly Marcel was just picked to write the Fifty Shades of Grey screenplay. She said she's looking forward to getting paid for writing something absolutely awful.
And finally, Sprint is testing a new program wherein you can use your name as your phone number. The option is an extra $3 per month, and is not expected to be popular with people whose names are strings of ten seemingly unrelated numbers.
Okay, now I'm serious.
BYE!
Showing posts with label sprint. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sprint. Show all posts
Monday, October 8, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - December 19, 2011
Happy Monday! Is anyone else having a wonderful winter? I'm thinking about getting some thermal longjohns. I think I should mention that I'm already engaged, so contain your fulminating desire that image conjures. Instead, think about these jokes. And how awesome a word "fulminating" is. Stick that in your "Words with Friends."
Unlikely serious presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said yesterday that as President he would arrest "activist judges" who he felt were out of line with mainstream America. This should serve as a warning not only to the judiciary, but also to any women who've dumped him in the past.
Following up on attacks from Romney, Bachmann and others, Gingrich said that his rivals' criticism of his record is "not based on facts," but instead based upon things Newt has said in the past. Not to be confused with facts.
NBC will be airing a special televised tribute to Betty White for her 90th birthday. Congratulations on lasting this long, NBC! Now cancel Whitney.
A New Jersey cable repairman was surprised to discover a brown bear living in an elderly woman's basement last week. And that's what happens when you find a roommate through Craigslist.
Over 15,000 Czech citizens listed "Knights of the Jedi" as their religion on a recent census. Unsurprisingly, they all listed their sex as "no, not yet."
A popular Chinese actor was arrested last week after authorities discovered he was in fact a fugitive from justice who was wanted in an assault on a police officer. After his arrest, Ji Siguang told journalists his crime was perfect, except for the part where he pursued a career in television acting.
NBC will be airing a special televised tribute to Betty White for her 90th birthday. Congratulations on lasting this long, NBC! Now cancel Whitney.
A New Jersey cable repairman was surprised to discover a brown bear living in an elderly woman's basement last week. And that's what happens when you find a roommate through Craigslist.
Over 15,000 Czech citizens listed "Knights of the Jedi" as their religion on a recent census. Unsurprisingly, they all listed their sex as "no, not yet."
A popular Chinese actor was arrested last week after authorities discovered he was in fact a fugitive from justice who was wanted in an assault on a police officer. After his arrest, Ji Siguang told journalists his crime was perfect, except for the part where he pursued a career in television acting.
Facing criticism for secretly gathering data on its users, Sprint said this weekend that the Carrier IQ snooping software has been disabled on its smartphone devices. AT&T went a step further, and disabled all smartphone functionality for its users.
And lastly, Kobe Bryant's wife filed for divorce, and this time the NBA commissioner did not block the trade. It's worth noting that Bryant and his wife never signed a prenuptial agreement, so there's no salary cap for this free agent! I don't understand sports.
That's all for now! See you tomorrow, friends.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 12, 2011
Welcome to your Tuesday, my friends. Did you eat your peas yet? If you didn't, it probably means you want America to default on its debts. Boo to that. Booooooo. But yay for jokes!
After recent storms in Chicago, over 800,000 people were left without power. So they had to cook their sausages and listen to the Cubs lose in the dark, like animals. I assume that's what happens in Chicago. Everyone sits around eating sausage and watching the Cubs. Right?
In other sausage news, I mean sporting news, Russian cyclist and consanant-enthusiast Alexandr Kolobnev failed a drug screening while racing in the Tour de France. A visibly angered Kolobnev said "I knew that damn Armstrong pissed in my water bottle!" But no one understood him on account of his silly accent.
Back in America, many Sprint users were unable to send or receive text messages yesterday, making it that much harder for politicians to end their careers.
In news of the Internet, superfine actress Mila Kunis will be attending a formal dance with Marine Corps Sergeant Scott Moore after seeing a YouTube video posted by Sgt. Moore where he asked Ms. Kunis to go to the dance as his date. Settle down, sweaty Internet nerds. It only works if you're in the Marine Corps, and HALO doesn't count.
Do you guys watch Pawn Stars? You do? I'm actually surprised. Well, then you might enjoy this joke. Recently, one of the stars of the show, Corey "Big Hoss" Harrison lost 115lbs. The secret? It turns out his fat is a collectible. They just sucked it right out and sold it for a mint!
That was gross. Sorry about that.
Speaking of mint, the world's newest country, South Sudan, unveiled its new currency this week, the South Sudan Pound. In a related story, Glenn Beck is already pitching for a South Sudanese cash for gold company.
In Kendal, England, an owl flew into a woman's window, leaving the perfect image of the creature on the glass. Local birdwatchers suspect the owl probably got drunk at the Harry Potter premier party and flew off. That's why it's always important to stick with your wingman.
And finally, 22 people were arrested in Turkey this week in connection to a Football (soccer) match-fixing scam. The police became suspicious after some bizarrely high scoring matches. Seriously, 3 - nil? You expect anyone to believe that actually happens in soccer?
Three sports jokes, and only one involved steroids! How about that?
Anyway, that's all you get for now. But there's more later! Tomorrow, in fact! Come see us then.
And have a great day!
After recent storms in Chicago, over 800,000 people were left without power. So they had to cook their sausages and listen to the Cubs lose in the dark, like animals. I assume that's what happens in Chicago. Everyone sits around eating sausage and watching the Cubs. Right?
In other sausage news, I mean sporting news, Russian cyclist and consanant-enthusiast Alexandr Kolobnev failed a drug screening while racing in the Tour de France. A visibly angered Kolobnev said "I knew that damn Armstrong pissed in my water bottle!" But no one understood him on account of his silly accent.
Back in America, many Sprint users were unable to send or receive text messages yesterday, making it that much harder for politicians to end their careers.
In news of the Internet, superfine actress Mila Kunis will be attending a formal dance with Marine Corps Sergeant Scott Moore after seeing a YouTube video posted by Sgt. Moore where he asked Ms. Kunis to go to the dance as his date. Settle down, sweaty Internet nerds. It only works if you're in the Marine Corps, and HALO doesn't count.
Do you guys watch Pawn Stars? You do? I'm actually surprised. Well, then you might enjoy this joke. Recently, one of the stars of the show, Corey "Big Hoss" Harrison lost 115lbs. The secret? It turns out his fat is a collectible. They just sucked it right out and sold it for a mint!
That was gross. Sorry about that.
Speaking of mint, the world's newest country, South Sudan, unveiled its new currency this week, the South Sudan Pound. In a related story, Glenn Beck is already pitching for a South Sudanese cash for gold company.
In Kendal, England, an owl flew into a woman's window, leaving the perfect image of the creature on the glass. Local birdwatchers suspect the owl probably got drunk at the Harry Potter premier party and flew off. That's why it's always important to stick with your wingman.
And finally, 22 people were arrested in Turkey this week in connection to a Football (soccer) match-fixing scam. The police became suspicious after some bizarrely high scoring matches. Seriously, 3 - nil? You expect anyone to believe that actually happens in soccer?
Three sports jokes, and only one involved steroids! How about that?
Anyway, that's all you get for now. But there's more later! Tomorrow, in fact! Come see us then.
And have a great day!
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