Chris Brown announced he may retire from music after his next album. He will not be retiring from being a giant rage monster.
NASA's Curiosity rover sang "Happy Birthday" to itself yesterday by vibrating pipes it normally uses for soil collection. Warner Brothers immediately sent a cease and desist order.
And you thought your birthday was sad.
Groupon just announced a new CEO. They're getting him for 80% off, but tax and gratuity are not included.
Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" has topped the charts. Now if only the models in his video could get tops, too.
A diplomatic rift is growing between Vladimir Putin and President Obama over a snub by the President yesterday in response to Edward Snowden being granted asylum in Russia. Thank goodness President Obama didn't accidentally date Putin's ex-girlfriend, or there could be some real drama.
An American tourist in Europe broke the finger off of a 600-year-old statue of the Virgin Mary when he tried to compare his hand size to hers. "I'm sorry," the man said, "but I just had to see if I had a bigger dick than the Virgin Mary."
Real estate valuing service Zillow.com saw it's stock price tumble this week. Early estimates have the company losing 10% of its value, but that's just the county assessor's report. If you really want to know how much value they lost, you'll need to buy a detailed report.
And finally, San Diego mayor Bob Filner just got his sexual harassment lawsuit deposition delayed. Filner was so happy that he couldn't stop rubbing his dick on people.
And that's all!
Showing posts with label nasa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nasa. Show all posts
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Friday, June 28, 2013
Friday Morning Monologue - June 28, 2013
The Senate just passed immigration reform. Meanwhile, the House of Representatives is doing it's best to make sure no one wants to move here.
Insiders report that Google is working on a gaming console. The flagship game is planned to be a puzzle game called "Give Us Your Credit Card Number."
Streaming music service Spotify just hired 130 engineers, which means that musicians can make money off the service, so long as they can program in Drupal.
NASA just launched a new satellite to observe the sun. It's mission includes testing new technology from Ray-Ban.
Also, it's a continuation of a project from Mississippi called "Go Outside and Stare at the Sun."
The Drug Enforcement Agency is cracking down on designer drugs, which is great news for people who buy their drugs at outlet stores.
The Cleveland Cavaliers used their Number One draft pick to get Anthony Bennet of UNLV. And since he's going to the Cavs, this will be the last time he gets to experience being number one.
And finally, new federal nutrition guidelines are going into effect to get junk food out of public schools across the country. But you can still teach Intelligent Design.
Have a great weekend!
Insiders report that Google is working on a gaming console. The flagship game is planned to be a puzzle game called "Give Us Your Credit Card Number."
Streaming music service Spotify just hired 130 engineers, which means that musicians can make money off the service, so long as they can program in Drupal.
NASA just launched a new satellite to observe the sun. It's mission includes testing new technology from Ray-Ban.
Also, it's a continuation of a project from Mississippi called "Go Outside and Stare at the Sun."
The Drug Enforcement Agency is cracking down on designer drugs, which is great news for people who buy their drugs at outlet stores.
The Cleveland Cavaliers used their Number One draft pick to get Anthony Bennet of UNLV. And since he's going to the Cavs, this will be the last time he gets to experience being number one.
And finally, new federal nutrition guidelines are going into effect to get junk food out of public schools across the country. But you can still teach Intelligent Design.
Have a great weekend!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 26, 2013
President Obama announced plans to combat climate change yesterday. First, he's going to go through all of climate change's private emails, and then blow up climate change with a drone strike.
The Supreme Court struck down part of the Voting Rights Act yesterday, saying it was Congress' responsibility to fix the broken legislation. No word yet on who is responsible for fixing the broken Congress.
Speaking of broken, Texas state Republicans succeeded in breaking the Democratic filibuster against the anti-abortion SB5 yesterday. Or maybe they didn't. It's unclear if it happened before midnight or not. And seeing as how many GOP Senators think the earth is only 6,000 years old, their grasp of time may not be up to the challenge here.
NASA started a public challenge for amateur astronomers to locate and track "earth-killing" asteroids, because NASA is tired of being the only ones with asteroid nightmares.
Singer and amateur stuntman Chris Brown was charged in LA with a hit-and-run, which is a change from his normal pattern of hit-and-date-and-continue-to-abuse-for-years.
Vladimir Putin confirmed that NSA leaker Edward Snowden is in the "transit" area of the Moscow airport, and not technically on Russian soil anymore. It's like that Tom Hanks movie, The Terminal, except people are actually interested in watching Snowden.
The UK is contemplating making visitors from India pay a £3,000 security bond to make sure they don't overstay their welcome. Indian officials asked "why the hell didn't we think of that in 1858?"
And finally, UK lawmakers are considering adding Jane Austen's face to paper money, but are afraid that would upset financial markets because she's just too precious.
Go Blackhawks.
The Supreme Court struck down part of the Voting Rights Act yesterday, saying it was Congress' responsibility to fix the broken legislation. No word yet on who is responsible for fixing the broken Congress.
Speaking of broken, Texas state Republicans succeeded in breaking the Democratic filibuster against the anti-abortion SB5 yesterday. Or maybe they didn't. It's unclear if it happened before midnight or not. And seeing as how many GOP Senators think the earth is only 6,000 years old, their grasp of time may not be up to the challenge here.
NASA started a public challenge for amateur astronomers to locate and track "earth-killing" asteroids, because NASA is tired of being the only ones with asteroid nightmares.
Singer and amateur stuntman Chris Brown was charged in LA with a hit-and-run, which is a change from his normal pattern of hit-and-date-and-continue-to-abuse-for-years.
Vladimir Putin confirmed that NSA leaker Edward Snowden is in the "transit" area of the Moscow airport, and not technically on Russian soil anymore. It's like that Tom Hanks movie, The Terminal, except people are actually interested in watching Snowden.
The UK is contemplating making visitors from India pay a £3,000 security bond to make sure they don't overstay their welcome. Indian officials asked "why the hell didn't we think of that in 1858?"
And finally, UK lawmakers are considering adding Jane Austen's face to paper money, but are afraid that would upset financial markets because she's just too precious.
Go Blackhawks.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - November 26, 2012
TNT announced Dallas will continue, despite the death of Larry Hagman, because not everything can be allowed to die with dignity.
Scientists at NASA are using the Martian rover Curiosity to track a giant storm on the red planet. They're really excited to be studying a storm not caused by climate change.
It's Cyber Monday today, which means a lot of people will typing one-handed.
Samsung announced the new Galaxy Note II has moved over five million units worldwide. Apple filed suit, saying that they patented moving five million units worldwide. Also, I think I may have done this joke before.
China landed its first jet on an aircraft carrier this weekend. It would have happened sooner, but the jet was operated by United Airlines.
Palestinian leaders said that rebuilding the Gaza Strip after Israeli bombing will be swift. In a related story, could we get New Orleans declared part of the Gaza Strip?
Oprah Winfrey is trying to woo a younger audience to her magazine, which would explain why this year's Favorite Things included "irony" and "you know, stuff." Damn kids and their music.
And finally, a camel broke free from a circus in Glendale, California, and ran wild in the streets. But it didn't get too far, thanks to the traffic.
Sorry, camel! No freedom and dignity for you!
Scientists at NASA are using the Martian rover Curiosity to track a giant storm on the red planet. They're really excited to be studying a storm not caused by climate change.
It's Cyber Monday today, which means a lot of people will typing one-handed.
Samsung announced the new Galaxy Note II has moved over five million units worldwide. Apple filed suit, saying that they patented moving five million units worldwide. Also, I think I may have done this joke before.
China landed its first jet on an aircraft carrier this weekend. It would have happened sooner, but the jet was operated by United Airlines.
Palestinian leaders said that rebuilding the Gaza Strip after Israeli bombing will be swift. In a related story, could we get New Orleans declared part of the Gaza Strip?
Oprah Winfrey is trying to woo a younger audience to her magazine, which would explain why this year's Favorite Things included "irony" and "you know, stuff." Damn kids and their music.
And finally, a camel broke free from a circus in Glendale, California, and ran wild in the streets. But it didn't get too far, thanks to the traffic.
Sorry, camel! No freedom and dignity for you!
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 22, 2012
Some more jokes, perhaps? Yes, my pretties. Have your fill.
NASA’s Mars rover Curiosity has been busy beaming back images from Mars. It’s sent back photos of rocks, mountains, the sky, and what it’s been eating for dinner, because apparently someone installed Instagram. It’s got a Mars filter.
At an Ohio county fair this week, an alligator bit a trainer during a live show. The name of that show: Mr. Inevitable’s Amazing Roundup of Incredibly Likely Things.
Unificationist Church leader Rev. Sun Myung Moon has been hospitalized for pneumonia. While bedridden, the charismatic pastor still managed to oversee the group wedding of his entire medical team.
In New York, a man accused of faking his own death to collect on his life insurance has pleaded “Not Guilty” and “Not Alive.”
A study of college tuition costs found that the cost of a college degree has increased 1120% over the last 30 years. Sadly, most college students can’t do that math. One good bit of news from the study: the price of PBR and ping pong has stayed the same.
The Olympic flag arrived in Rio de Janiero, and it's already been kidnapped for ransom.
A Washington, D.C. police captain was demoted recently for acting as an escort for Charlie Sheen. No, not that kind of escort, but he still got screwed anyway.
And finally, three members of the Russian punk collective Pussy Riot, sentenced recently to prison for protesting Vladimir Putin, are going to the centerpiece of an art exhibition and fundraiser in New York City. Well, I've been making fun of Putin for years! Where's my fundraiser? Just to refresh your memory, here's my favorite, from June of 2011:
"In Russia, Human rights activist Yelena Bonner died at the age of 88 after a long illness. A heartbroken Vladimir Putin issued a statement expressing his regret that he never got around to killing her while she was alive."
You can use the PayPal button at your leisure, Amnesty International. Thanks!
NASA’s Mars rover Curiosity has been busy beaming back images from Mars. It’s sent back photos of rocks, mountains, the sky, and what it’s been eating for dinner, because apparently someone installed Instagram. It’s got a Mars filter.
At an Ohio county fair this week, an alligator bit a trainer during a live show. The name of that show: Mr. Inevitable’s Amazing Roundup of Incredibly Likely Things.
Unificationist Church leader Rev. Sun Myung Moon has been hospitalized for pneumonia. While bedridden, the charismatic pastor still managed to oversee the group wedding of his entire medical team.
In New York, a man accused of faking his own death to collect on his life insurance has pleaded “Not Guilty” and “Not Alive.”
A study of college tuition costs found that the cost of a college degree has increased 1120% over the last 30 years. Sadly, most college students can’t do that math. One good bit of news from the study: the price of PBR and ping pong has stayed the same.
The Olympic flag arrived in Rio de Janiero, and it's already been kidnapped for ransom.
A Washington, D.C. police captain was demoted recently for acting as an escort for Charlie Sheen. No, not that kind of escort, but he still got screwed anyway.
And finally, three members of the Russian punk collective Pussy Riot, sentenced recently to prison for protesting Vladimir Putin, are going to the centerpiece of an art exhibition and fundraiser in New York City. Well, I've been making fun of Putin for years! Where's my fundraiser? Just to refresh your memory, here's my favorite, from June of 2011:
"In Russia, Human rights activist Yelena Bonner died at the age of 88 after a long illness. A heartbroken Vladimir Putin issued a statement expressing his regret that he never got around to killing her while she was alive."
You can use the PayPal button at your leisure, Amnesty International. Thanks!
Monday, August 6, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 7, 2012
What up, party people? Shall we commence to joking?
Revenue for Yelp.com is up 67% this quarter, largely because the site has been getting such positive reviews on itself.
Doctors find that honey can ease nighttime coughing for children, but not if you mix it with whiskey. That will just make 'em mean.
Speaking of children and nighttime, another study found that watching nonviolent videos before bed will calm preschoolers, especially if they're scared little bitches.
In technology news, Lenovo unveiled a new line of ThinkPad laptops with a completely redesigned Blue Screen of Death.
Chrysler Motor Company told investors this weekend that their new 3D modelling program is lowering the cost of designing transmissions, although most Chevy drivers are already well-acquainted with their "exploded view."
Novartis and Penn State University are partnering to create a drug that trains the immune system to spot and destroy cancer cells. Now if only someone could teach Penn State employees to spot and stop pedophilia.
Musician and dementia-enthusiast Ted Nugent said yesterday that President Obama "represents everything bad about humanity," which is a pretty rude thing to say about the American people.
And finally, NASA's Curiosity Rover landed on Mars yesterday, after the harrowing "Seven Minutes of Terror" when it was out of contact with NASA and flying on its own. "Seven Minutes of Terror" is also what the stuck-up assholes in High School called it when they were playing spin-the-bottle and had to make out with a nerd. Well guess what, dickheads! A bunch of nerds just landed on Mars, AND YOUR TAX DOLLARS PAID FOR IT! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! SUCK IT!
Okay, hope you enjoyed this! More tomorrow.
Revenue for Yelp.com is up 67% this quarter, largely because the site has been getting such positive reviews on itself.
Doctors find that honey can ease nighttime coughing for children, but not if you mix it with whiskey. That will just make 'em mean.
Speaking of children and nighttime, another study found that watching nonviolent videos before bed will calm preschoolers, especially if they're scared little bitches.
In technology news, Lenovo unveiled a new line of ThinkPad laptops with a completely redesigned Blue Screen of Death.
Chrysler Motor Company told investors this weekend that their new 3D modelling program is lowering the cost of designing transmissions, although most Chevy drivers are already well-acquainted with their "exploded view."
Novartis and Penn State University are partnering to create a drug that trains the immune system to spot and destroy cancer cells. Now if only someone could teach Penn State employees to spot and stop pedophilia.
Musician and dementia-enthusiast Ted Nugent said yesterday that President Obama "represents everything bad about humanity," which is a pretty rude thing to say about the American people.
And finally, NASA's Curiosity Rover landed on Mars yesterday, after the harrowing "Seven Minutes of Terror" when it was out of contact with NASA and flying on its own. "Seven Minutes of Terror" is also what the stuck-up assholes in High School called it when they were playing spin-the-bottle and had to make out with a nerd. Well guess what, dickheads! A bunch of nerds just landed on Mars, AND YOUR TAX DOLLARS PAID FOR IT! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! SUCK IT!
Okay, hope you enjoyed this! More tomorrow.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 25, 2012
Let's make it happen, Wednesday. I knew a kid named Wednesday once. Or maybe it was Wendy. Whatever. Enjoy these jokes, or don't.
Snoop Dogg is releasing a reggae album, just in case you'd forgotten that he liked marijuana.
Executives at NBC defended changes made to Community for next season, including cutting the number of episodes, removing Dan Harmon as show runner, and moving the show to Friday nights, following Whitney. In response to vocal criticism from fans, executives explained "we're not very good at our jobs. Perhaps you've not been paying attention."
Investors were disappointed by Apple Computers' $8.8billion profits last quarter, but encouraged by their new plan to use iTunes to sell methamphetamine.
A Monsignor in Pennsylvania was sentenced to 3 - 6 years in prison for covering up sexual abuse. He's also been ruled bowl-ineligible for the next four seasons.
YouTube is trying to discourage anonymous posting by linking user comments to their Google+ profile. The hardest part will be finding people with Google+ accounts.
NASA scientists discovered an unprecedented amount of Greenland's ice shelf melted this summer, which means a real estate boom in Greenland, right?
Netflix shares are down, but piracy is still blah blah blah. Sorry, that joke sucked.
And finally, ABC announced a new cooking reality show where chefs will be forced to create dishes under conditions found in ancient history, without modern conveniences like electricity or running water. And the secret ingredient? Probably Hepatitis. Bon appetit!
Consider that the end of the blog. Because it is.
Snoop Dogg is releasing a reggae album, just in case you'd forgotten that he liked marijuana.
Executives at NBC defended changes made to Community for next season, including cutting the number of episodes, removing Dan Harmon as show runner, and moving the show to Friday nights, following Whitney. In response to vocal criticism from fans, executives explained "we're not very good at our jobs. Perhaps you've not been paying attention."
Investors were disappointed by Apple Computers' $8.8billion profits last quarter, but encouraged by their new plan to use iTunes to sell methamphetamine.
A Monsignor in Pennsylvania was sentenced to 3 - 6 years in prison for covering up sexual abuse. He's also been ruled bowl-ineligible for the next four seasons.
YouTube is trying to discourage anonymous posting by linking user comments to their Google+ profile. The hardest part will be finding people with Google+ accounts.
NASA scientists discovered an unprecedented amount of Greenland's ice shelf melted this summer, which means a real estate boom in Greenland, right?
Netflix shares are down, but piracy is still blah blah blah. Sorry, that joke sucked.
And finally, ABC announced a new cooking reality show where chefs will be forced to create dishes under conditions found in ancient history, without modern conveniences like electricity or running water. And the secret ingredient? Probably Hepatitis. Bon appetit!
Consider that the end of the blog. Because it is.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 24, 2012
Welcome back, you all. Or rather, y'all. I have eight jokes for you. One of them, however, is secretly a bon mot. See if you can spot it!
NASA declared a test of its new heat shield a "success," meaning it's super expensive.
In England, the Olympic torch visited the set of the popular soap opera EastEnders, where it was reunited with its long-lost evil twin and the Zippo lighter it gave for adoption all those years ago.
The Assad government issued a statement in Syria yesterday saying that they totally won't use chemical weapons on rebels, but they may use them on invisible people standing really close to rebels.
In Pennsylvania, shoppers at Sears were sent packing last week by a black bear that wandered into the store. Since it was a black bear, a manager followed him around to make sure he didn't steal anything.
In a related story, another black bear was spotted at the same Sears, which means now your racist bear uncle won't shop at that Sears anymore.
A former lab assistant in New Hampshire was found to be responsible for a Hepatitis C outbreak in the area. In a related story, Tommy Lee has been working as a lab assistant in New Hampshire.
Sofia Vergara was the highest-paid woman on television last year, earning $19million. Although it's really closer to $6million after she splits it with her breasts.
And finally, Senate Democrats are threatening to let all the Bush-era tax cuts expire this year, probably because they're tired of living in Washington, D.C.
And that's the end. Did you spot it?! See you tomorrow!
NASA declared a test of its new heat shield a "success," meaning it's super expensive.
In England, the Olympic torch visited the set of the popular soap opera EastEnders, where it was reunited with its long-lost evil twin and the Zippo lighter it gave for adoption all those years ago.
The Assad government issued a statement in Syria yesterday saying that they totally won't use chemical weapons on rebels, but they may use them on invisible people standing really close to rebels.
In Pennsylvania, shoppers at Sears were sent packing last week by a black bear that wandered into the store. Since it was a black bear, a manager followed him around to make sure he didn't steal anything.
In a related story, another black bear was spotted at the same Sears, which means now your racist bear uncle won't shop at that Sears anymore.
A former lab assistant in New Hampshire was found to be responsible for a Hepatitis C outbreak in the area. In a related story, Tommy Lee has been working as a lab assistant in New Hampshire.
Sofia Vergara was the highest-paid woman on television last year, earning $19million. Although it's really closer to $6million after she splits it with her breasts.
And finally, Senate Democrats are threatening to let all the Bush-era tax cuts expire this year, probably because they're tired of living in Washington, D.C.
And that's the end. Did you spot it?! See you tomorrow!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - March 12, 2012
Good time of day to you! How was your 47 hour weekend? I'm pretty sure if I had that extra hour I could have solved the whole economic crisis thing. But I didn't. So thanks a lot, G.V. Hudson. I did have time to write these jokes. So you can read them.
In politics, Newt Gingrich said this weekend that Mitt Romney was the weakest GOP front runner in the last 90 years. He also said that self-awareness is for losers.
An Egyptian court acquitted a doctor charged with performing unwanted virginity tests on female protesters. He's already found a new job, too, working for Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell.
Nicolette Sheridan's wrongful termination suits against Desperate Housewives is almost over, which is one reason the trial is better than the show.
Former presidential candidate Rick Perry said today that if he runs for president again in 2016, he will definitely "remember the third thing." The fact that he's calling it the "third thing" means he's probably forgotten it already.
Internet videos about the atrocities committed by Ugandan shit-bastard Joseph Kony have gone viral, although the auto-tuned versions were probably not needed.
Bruce Springsteen performed at the Apollo Theater this weekend. The show was going well until he started playing his new stuff and the clown pushed him off the stage.
And finally, a NASA scientist claims he was fired from his job for believing in the "intelligent design" theory of evolution. He also believes that self-awareness is for losers.
That's it. See you tomorrow!
In politics, Newt Gingrich said this weekend that Mitt Romney was the weakest GOP front runner in the last 90 years. He also said that self-awareness is for losers.
An Egyptian court acquitted a doctor charged with performing unwanted virginity tests on female protesters. He's already found a new job, too, working for Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell.
Nicolette Sheridan's wrongful termination suits against Desperate Housewives is almost over, which is one reason the trial is better than the show.
Former presidential candidate Rick Perry said today that if he runs for president again in 2016, he will definitely "remember the third thing." The fact that he's calling it the "third thing" means he's probably forgotten it already.
Internet videos about the atrocities committed by Ugandan shit-bastard Joseph Kony have gone viral, although the auto-tuned versions were probably not needed.
Bruce Springsteen performed at the Apollo Theater this weekend. The show was going well until he started playing his new stuff and the clown pushed him off the stage.
And finally, a NASA scientist claims he was fired from his job for believing in the "intelligent design" theory of evolution. He also believes that self-awareness is for losers.
That's it. See you tomorrow!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - March 5, 2012
Oh, happy Monday my friends. Did you have an amazing weekend? Then keep it to yourself. I spent all weekend seeing just how many cubic feet of Kleenex I could soil with only the power of my nose. It's a sizable number. But in between, I was able to craft you these jokes. Don't worry, I washed my hands first.
North Korea agreed to halt its uranium enrichment program in exchange for food. So now that it's worked once, you should expect to see homeless people carrying that on cardboard signs from now on.
In Japan, researchers created violin strings out of spider silk. They say the sound is great, but you have to keep stopping the music to clean off all the flies that get stuck to it.
In spring training baseball news, Atlanta Braves' Julio Teheran gave up six home runs against the Detroit Tigers, which makes him the best thing to happen to the Tigers in decades.
Following Rush Limbaugh's latest douchbaggery, seven advertisers have pulled out of his show. If he loses any more, he'll end up on NBC.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin declared victory in the recent presidential "elections." Still not sure why he made the air quote symbol when he did it.
George Clooney took to the stage this weekend in a play based on the anti-gay marriage referendum Proposition 8. Clooney said he wants all people to have the same rights he does. Namely, the right to decide to never, ever get married. Ever.
Actor John Cusack said in an interview this weekend that making a sequel to his 1997 film Con Air 2 "would be fun." He then added, "no, I never actually watched the first one all the way through. Why do you ask?"
And finally, computer hackers reportedly took control of key NASA computers in 2011.
...wait a minute. I think it's time for a PUNCHLINE SWARM! Let's go!
...Authorities were astounded to hear that any hackers were still familiar with TANDY machines.
...The surprising thing is that any key NASA computers were actually turned on in 2011.
...NASA reportedly will have to spend thousands of dollars re-installing special-effects software on the machines.
...It was really easy. They just bought the machines at a garage sale.
...That would explain why ICanHazCheezburger.com turned into ICanHazFreezDriedIceCream.com
...Thank goodness NASA doesn't actually do anything.
Okay, that's all for now! Please feel free to post your own punchline. Maybe I'll retweet it. I'm probably not going to do that. I shouldn't make that promise. But it could still be fun, and shoutouts could be had! Till tomorrow, keep watching the skies!
North Korea agreed to halt its uranium enrichment program in exchange for food. So now that it's worked once, you should expect to see homeless people carrying that on cardboard signs from now on.
In Japan, researchers created violin strings out of spider silk. They say the sound is great, but you have to keep stopping the music to clean off all the flies that get stuck to it.
In spring training baseball news, Atlanta Braves' Julio Teheran gave up six home runs against the Detroit Tigers, which makes him the best thing to happen to the Tigers in decades.
Following Rush Limbaugh's latest douchbaggery, seven advertisers have pulled out of his show. If he loses any more, he'll end up on NBC.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin declared victory in the recent presidential "elections." Still not sure why he made the air quote symbol when he did it.
George Clooney took to the stage this weekend in a play based on the anti-gay marriage referendum Proposition 8. Clooney said he wants all people to have the same rights he does. Namely, the right to decide to never, ever get married. Ever.
Actor John Cusack said in an interview this weekend that making a sequel to his 1997 film Con Air 2 "would be fun." He then added, "no, I never actually watched the first one all the way through. Why do you ask?"
And finally, computer hackers reportedly took control of key NASA computers in 2011.
...wait a minute. I think it's time for a PUNCHLINE SWARM! Let's go!
...Authorities were astounded to hear that any hackers were still familiar with TANDY machines.
...The surprising thing is that any key NASA computers were actually turned on in 2011.
...NASA reportedly will have to spend thousands of dollars re-installing special-effects software on the machines.
...It was really easy. They just bought the machines at a garage sale.
...That would explain why ICanHazCheezburger.com turned into ICanHazFreezDriedIceCream.com
...Thank goodness NASA doesn't actually do anything.
Okay, that's all for now! Please feel free to post your own punchline. Maybe I'll retweet it. I'm probably not going to do that. I shouldn't make that promise. But it could still be fun, and shoutouts could be had! Till tomorrow, keep watching the skies!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - December 1, 2011
Guess what? It's Thursday! Can you see the light at the end of the week? Does it look like it's shining through the bottom of a pint glass? Then let's get through this quick as a bunny. Is that a saying? I don't know. Have some jokes.
Good news, people who love history to repeat! China lowered their bank reserve ratio, allowing banks to lend more money out, thus lowering the bar for lenders thus making it easier for people with poor credit ratings to get... oh, I see what you did there, China.
Speaking of money, Israel just released $100million in tax revenue they had been withholding from the Palestinian authority. Way to fight stereotypes, Israel.
Good news! More American children have health insurance than they did a year ago! Bad news. More kids now rely on free school lunches than ever before. Well, at least they have health insurance to treat all the diabetes they're going to get from school lunches.
Hey, technology! NASA is launching an app store! It's like a regular app store, but everything costs $4billion and when the apps crash they can't be relaunched.
Medicine! Doctors in America are studying possible medicinal uses for hallucinogens for treating mental health issues like post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and an inability to fully appreciate laserlight Pink Floyd shows.
In Christmas news, Rockafeller center welcomed a giant Spruce from Mifflinville, Pennsylvania. So that's how you get out of Mifflinville, Pennsylvania.
In India, a disgruntled snake charmer released dozens of snakes in a local tax office, apparently protesting a tax hike on ridiculous stereotypes. Also, that's some serious dedication to a protest. Pretty sure if the Occupy protesters had a bunch of snakes, the cops would have stayed the hell away.
And finally, AMR, the parent company of American Airlines, filed for bankruptcy protection. The company vowed, however, to make sure the reorganization process in no way prevents them from delaying your flight.
And that ends the jokes. I hope your December gets off to a great start! Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks joy, and I'll see you on Monday.
Good news, people who love history to repeat! China lowered their bank reserve ratio, allowing banks to lend more money out, thus lowering the bar for lenders thus making it easier for people with poor credit ratings to get... oh, I see what you did there, China.
Speaking of money, Israel just released $100million in tax revenue they had been withholding from the Palestinian authority. Way to fight stereotypes, Israel.
Good news! More American children have health insurance than they did a year ago! Bad news. More kids now rely on free school lunches than ever before. Well, at least they have health insurance to treat all the diabetes they're going to get from school lunches.
Hey, technology! NASA is launching an app store! It's like a regular app store, but everything costs $4billion and when the apps crash they can't be relaunched.
Medicine! Doctors in America are studying possible medicinal uses for hallucinogens for treating mental health issues like post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and an inability to fully appreciate laserlight Pink Floyd shows.
In Christmas news, Rockafeller center welcomed a giant Spruce from Mifflinville, Pennsylvania. So that's how you get out of Mifflinville, Pennsylvania.
In India, a disgruntled snake charmer released dozens of snakes in a local tax office, apparently protesting a tax hike on ridiculous stereotypes. Also, that's some serious dedication to a protest. Pretty sure if the Occupy protesters had a bunch of snakes, the cops would have stayed the hell away.
And finally, AMR, the parent company of American Airlines, filed for bankruptcy protection. The company vowed, however, to make sure the reorganization process in no way prevents them from delaying your flight.
And that ends the jokes. I hope your December gets off to a great start! Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks joy, and I'll see you on Monday.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 20, 2011
Knock knock.
Who's there?
A bunch of jokes.
The Phoenix area was beset recently by an enormous dust storm, which is much better than a Durst storm. Fred Durst. He sucks. Okay.
The Space Shuttle left the International Space Station for the last time yesterday to begin it's return trip to Earth. There's probably a Thelma & Louise joke in there somewhere, but I've got too much respect for the space program to make it. It's certainly not because I'm too lazy.
In other fake news, news came from DC (the comic book people, not the District of Columbia) that Superman and Lois Lane will be divorcing. But you know, statistically speaking, half of all fictional marriages end in divorce. The other half end in the Phantom Zone...
Speaking of being trapped forever in a timeless void, Rebecca Black is back with a new single, because apparently her self-esteem was starting to recover.
In more inconceivable news, Charlie Sheen has signed onto a sitcom adaptation of Anger Management, wherein he will play a psychiatrist. Isn't this kind of like casting Karen Carpenter to play Julia Child? In preparation for the role as a mental health provider, Charlie is conducting research by remaining completely batshit crazy.
Victorinox is marketing a Swiss Army USB drive, which is clearly what MacGuyver would use to transport vital files between computers. Now if only they made a digital Duct Tape data backup system...
In Pope-news, the Pope accepted the resignation this week of Philadelphia's Archbishop amid a sex-abuse-coverup-scandal. Apparently the Archbishop didn't want to relocate to a new parish.
And finally, a suspected al Qaeda leader was killed in Yemen yesterday. NewsCorp reporters have already hacked into his voicemail.
That's all! Go forth and have a great day! Come back tomorrow, when we'll have some more jokes!
And if you have a chance, go check out your town's farmers' market. You'll be surprised at what you find. Unless you live in Phoenix, in which case you'll probably just find a bunch of dust. Still better than Durst.
Who's there?
A bunch of jokes.
The Phoenix area was beset recently by an enormous dust storm, which is much better than a Durst storm. Fred Durst. He sucks. Okay.
The Space Shuttle left the International Space Station for the last time yesterday to begin it's return trip to Earth. There's probably a Thelma & Louise joke in there somewhere, but I've got too much respect for the space program to make it. It's certainly not because I'm too lazy.
In other fake news, news came from DC (the comic book people, not the District of Columbia) that Superman and Lois Lane will be divorcing. But you know, statistically speaking, half of all fictional marriages end in divorce. The other half end in the Phantom Zone...
Speaking of being trapped forever in a timeless void, Rebecca Black is back with a new single, because apparently her self-esteem was starting to recover.
In more inconceivable news, Charlie Sheen has signed onto a sitcom adaptation of Anger Management, wherein he will play a psychiatrist. Isn't this kind of like casting Karen Carpenter to play Julia Child? In preparation for the role as a mental health provider, Charlie is conducting research by remaining completely batshit crazy.
Victorinox is marketing a Swiss Army USB drive, which is clearly what MacGuyver would use to transport vital files between computers. Now if only they made a digital Duct Tape data backup system...
In Pope-news, the Pope accepted the resignation this week of Philadelphia's Archbishop amid a sex-abuse-coverup-scandal. Apparently the Archbishop didn't want to relocate to a new parish.
And finally, a suspected al Qaeda leader was killed in Yemen yesterday. NewsCorp reporters have already hacked into his voicemail.
That's all! Go forth and have a great day! Come back tomorrow, when we'll have some more jokes!
And if you have a chance, go check out your town's farmers' market. You'll be surprised at what you find. Unless you live in Phoenix, in which case you'll probably just find a bunch of dust. Still better than Durst.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - June 23, 2011
Restrain yourselves, people. It's only Thursday. Let's have some jokes.
Bad science news this week, as a NASA scientist is in trouble for using his position and knowledge to earn $1.2 million from a third party. He probably just gave some tips to Michael Bay on how to film the Moon so that it looks real.
Bad fashion news this week, as fancy fashionist John Galliano went on trial in France for making anti-Semitic remarks. It's likely that he will blame drugs and alcohol for the outburst. First it was Mel Gibson's drunken, anti-Semitic rant and now this? It's become clear to me: drugs and alcohol hate Jewish people!
In California, Lindsay Lohan said she is enjoying her house arrest, probably because it gives her a chance to catch up on her drugs in peace.
In Utah, a gunman took several people hostage hostages for 16 hours, and still kept updating his status on Facebook. That's some serious multi-tasking. Also, it looks like hostage situations should be more exciting.
Former celebrity Nick Lachey and his new wife will star in a new version of his old show Newlyweds. Jeez, Nick, hope you didn't give her Jessica's old clothes, too.
The acting head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tabacco and Firearms is expected to resign after allowing guns to be sold to Mexican gangs... unless he can pull off a wacky scheme to get the guns back, arrest the gangs and totally impress his girlfriend's stodgy old parents! Wait, is Pauly Shore the acting head of the ATF? No? Oh, then he's screwed.
Yesterday, Sarah Palin abruptly ended her bus tour. She abandoned that bus like it was a Governor's Mansion. BOOM! She's a quitter! Still, though, you have to admire her amazingly consistent inconsistency. She likes to quit stuff. I heard she started shooting heroin just to give it up. Seriously, I'm starting to wonder if she could even finish a sneeze.
Bad science news this week, as a NASA scientist is in trouble for using his position and knowledge to earn $1.2 million from a third party. He probably just gave some tips to Michael Bay on how to film the Moon so that it looks real.
Bad fashion news this week, as fancy fashionist John Galliano went on trial in France for making anti-Semitic remarks. It's likely that he will blame drugs and alcohol for the outburst. First it was Mel Gibson's drunken, anti-Semitic rant and now this? It's become clear to me: drugs and alcohol hate Jewish people!
In California, Lindsay Lohan said she is enjoying her house arrest, probably because it gives her a chance to catch up on her drugs in peace.
In Utah, a gunman took several people hostage hostages for 16 hours, and still kept updating his status on Facebook. That's some serious multi-tasking. Also, it looks like hostage situations should be more exciting.
Former celebrity Nick Lachey and his new wife will star in a new version of his old show Newlyweds. Jeez, Nick, hope you didn't give her Jessica's old clothes, too.
The acting head of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tabacco and Firearms is expected to resign after allowing guns to be sold to Mexican gangs... unless he can pull off a wacky scheme to get the guns back, arrest the gangs and totally impress his girlfriend's stodgy old parents! Wait, is Pauly Shore the acting head of the ATF? No? Oh, then he's screwed.
Yesterday, Sarah Palin abruptly ended her bus tour. She abandoned that bus like it was a Governor's Mansion. BOOM! She's a quitter! Still, though, you have to admire her amazingly consistent inconsistency. She likes to quit stuff. I heard she started shooting heroin just to give it up. Seriously, I'm starting to wonder if she could even finish a sneeze.
Lastly, in Colorado, police alleged that a peeping tom hid in porta-potty tank to watch people use the restroom, and when discovered, he made his escape while still covered in poop. I think he was probably just washing off his Jack in the Box burger. BOOM! TRIPLE CALLBACK! That's it! It's the turd-trifecta! I've completed my shitty trilogy, and I thank you for coming along with me.
Ending my week with a poop joke? Shit yeah.
Eat your fruit, have a great day, come back again soon! Spencer's here tomorrow, so you should be, too.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 12, 2011
Goodness, goodness. It's Thursday, which means I'm all out of banter. But I've got eight more jokes before I bid you abiento.
So, Osama Bin Laden is still dead, which means, among other things, Al Qaida is without a leader. Yeah, it's very sad. There's a rumor now going around that they may not name a new leader to take Bin Laden's place. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said "aw, come on. You're no fun. What's the point of having all these guns... oh, nevermind."
Yesterday, former congressman Newt Gingrich announced he will be running for President in 2012. First on his agenda: building a time machine to go back to 1995, when he was still relevant.
Speaking of totally relevant politicians, Senator John Kerry is heading to Pakistan to calm diplomatic tensions with the United States. His plan is to speak for several minutes publicly in Islamabad, at which point it is assumed that the entire country will be too bored to cause any trouble.
This week in sporting news, Qatar was accused of bribing jurors who evaluated their bid for the 2022 World Cup. A representative from the royal family said "oh, is that not a thing we're supposed to do? So sorry! Here, have some bars of gold."
Elsewhere in the Middle East, Iran delayed an espionage trial for three American hikers. Apparently it's harder to manufacture evidence than they thought. Right, NASA?
At the Kansas City airport recently, a TSA screening agent gave a full pat down to a baby. Now, I'm all for safety, but if a baby is able to hijack a plane, then I think the baby gets to keep it.
Google announced this week that their Android operating system is being used to control actual robots. So, just be careful how you use that search function, and make sure you don't accidentally hit "search and destroy." Also, I can't wait for a robot in my house that constantly spews out targeted advertising any time I ask it a question.
And lastly, the great state of Florida outlawed bestiality this year. Kudos, Florida, for taking such a tough stand. However, and you might have heard this, the law is written to ban all sex with animals. Why is this a big deal? Well, humans are animals. That's one thing I remember from Biology class. So now, anyone who wants to get their freak on had best find a Google robot. Seriously, though, anyone fixing this law will first have to come out *against* the anti-bestiality legislation. So, good luck, Florida. Looks like you've screwed yourselves, which is, it turns out, illegal... oh well. I hear Georgia's nice.
A'ight, that's all you get from me this week. Stick around for Spencer and Earnest, and I'll see you next week! Tell your friends all about us, and have a great day!
Monday, May 9, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 10, 2011
Welcome to your Tuesday! Thanks for stopping by. This is a big week for fashion. I don't know if you heard about this or not, but I bought some new boxer shorts. Yeah, I don't want to say my old boxers were out-dated, but they still thought Lewinsky jokes were funny. Yep, they're mad we boycotted the 1980 Olympics. We did that, right? Why am I talking about my underwear so much? Let's get into it, okay? If you still want to hear about my drawers later, we can work something out.
Speaking of working things out, Pakistan has taken custody of Osama Bin Laden's many widows, and won't allow any representatives from the United States to speak with them. I think it's less about politics and national security, and more that Pakistan is worried that we'll put them all on next season of the Real Housewives. Pretty sure Bravo would do that if they had the chance.
How about this one, did you guys see this? The space shuttle Endeavor has had its final launch delayed once again. Apparently it's getting harder and harder for NASA to find computer animators with security clearance. 'Cause the spaceflights are faked. That's the point of that one. Okay...
In other fake reality news, Bristol Palin announced yesterday that she's getting her own reality show on the Biography channel. She put out a statement about it, actually, where she said "I feel so blessed to have yet another opportunity to be a star, for no reason whatsoever. And remember, kids, none of this would have been possible if I didn't have awful taste in men and an even worse understanding of contraceptives. So go on, chase your dreams, and don't forget to make terrible decisions! I'm sure it will work out just as well for you!"
Good for her, right? But too bad about Phil Jackson. You all saw this, right? After the Lakers got swept out of the playoffs by the Dallas Mavericks, of all teams, he announced he was retiring. Apparently he was concerned that the team might somehow succeed in being even more embarrassing next year, so he had to get out. My school's football coach did the same thing.
Mel Gibson, on the other hand, has no idea when to quit. His new movie, Beaver, bombed at the box office this weekend. Critics are panning the film, saying it has no likeable characters, poor performances and a three-horned sigil of doom from the Elders of Zion, who have declared the movie a failure. Better luck next time, Mel. Actually, no; I hope you have worse luck.
Back in the United Kingdom, the birthplace of class, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, whom we all love, is testifying in a bribery case, where he stands accused of paying UK lawyer David Mills for false testimony. The incredulous Berlusconi reportedly said "I can't believe this, I'm in a courtroom and no one's talking about my penis! Come on, someone has to mention it, right? It's getting weird, let's just talk about it and get it out of the way. Would it help if I pulled it out? Where's that new Duchess I've heard so muchess about? Ha! You see what I did?" He's a cartoon character. From a slutty cartoon.
Speaking of sluts, a movement recently started in Toronto called "Slutwalks." Calm down. It's an international women's rights movement that started after the Toronto Police Department said that women should avoid "dressing like sluts" to cut down on sex crimes. For some reason, this didn't sit well with the city's women, who have taken to the streets to demand their right to dress like sluts. That's what it's about, right? I tried to read some stories about it today, but I kept getting distracted by the pictures.
And lastly, another easily distracted person, Ms. Paula Abdul, just announced she will be joining Simon Cowell on the new American version of X Factor, proving once and for all that nobody wants to work with Randy. Seriously, that guy must be putting out some serious jerk vibes. Maybe he kept hogging all the painkillers and ridiculously tight black t-shirts.
Alright, that's it for now. You're going to have to get through the rest of your day without any more jokes from me, unless I post some on my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/sooneresth. You might check it and see! Or else wait until tomorrow.
Until then, have a great day!
Speaking of working things out, Pakistan has taken custody of Osama Bin Laden's many widows, and won't allow any representatives from the United States to speak with them. I think it's less about politics and national security, and more that Pakistan is worried that we'll put them all on next season of the Real Housewives. Pretty sure Bravo would do that if they had the chance.
How about this one, did you guys see this? The space shuttle Endeavor has had its final launch delayed once again. Apparently it's getting harder and harder for NASA to find computer animators with security clearance. 'Cause the spaceflights are faked. That's the point of that one. Okay...
In other fake reality news, Bristol Palin announced yesterday that she's getting her own reality show on the Biography channel. She put out a statement about it, actually, where she said "I feel so blessed to have yet another opportunity to be a star, for no reason whatsoever. And remember, kids, none of this would have been possible if I didn't have awful taste in men and an even worse understanding of contraceptives. So go on, chase your dreams, and don't forget to make terrible decisions! I'm sure it will work out just as well for you!"
Good for her, right? But too bad about Phil Jackson. You all saw this, right? After the Lakers got swept out of the playoffs by the Dallas Mavericks, of all teams, he announced he was retiring. Apparently he was concerned that the team might somehow succeed in being even more embarrassing next year, so he had to get out. My school's football coach did the same thing.
Mel Gibson, on the other hand, has no idea when to quit. His new movie, Beaver, bombed at the box office this weekend. Critics are panning the film, saying it has no likeable characters, poor performances and a three-horned sigil of doom from the Elders of Zion, who have declared the movie a failure. Better luck next time, Mel. Actually, no; I hope you have worse luck.
Back in the United Kingdom, the birthplace of class, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, whom we all love, is testifying in a bribery case, where he stands accused of paying UK lawyer David Mills for false testimony. The incredulous Berlusconi reportedly said "I can't believe this, I'm in a courtroom and no one's talking about my penis! Come on, someone has to mention it, right? It's getting weird, let's just talk about it and get it out of the way. Would it help if I pulled it out? Where's that new Duchess I've heard so muchess about? Ha! You see what I did?" He's a cartoon character. From a slutty cartoon.
Speaking of sluts, a movement recently started in Toronto called "Slutwalks." Calm down. It's an international women's rights movement that started after the Toronto Police Department said that women should avoid "dressing like sluts" to cut down on sex crimes. For some reason, this didn't sit well with the city's women, who have taken to the streets to demand their right to dress like sluts. That's what it's about, right? I tried to read some stories about it today, but I kept getting distracted by the pictures.
And lastly, another easily distracted person, Ms. Paula Abdul, just announced she will be joining Simon Cowell on the new American version of X Factor, proving once and for all that nobody wants to work with Randy. Seriously, that guy must be putting out some serious jerk vibes. Maybe he kept hogging all the painkillers and ridiculously tight black t-shirts.
Alright, that's it for now. You're going to have to get through the rest of your day without any more jokes from me, unless I post some on my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/sooneresth. You might check it and see! Or else wait until tomorrow.
Until then, have a great day!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 29, 2011
Welcome back, everybody! What's more fun than a blog full of jokes? Nothin', that's what! Enjoy!
South Korea recently sent 37 defectors back to North Korea, in what sounds like the penalty phase for the world's most brutal reality show. Get kicked off American Idol, you go on Regis and Kelly the next day. Get kicked off South Korean Idol, and things get decidedly worse. Are you paying attention, Hollywood?
Speaking of things ignored by Hollywood, the Junos, Canada's version of the Grammies, were held this weekend. To no one's surprise, Canuck music commune The Arcade Fire won, taking home four awards including Album of the Year. Better luck next time, Loverboy. Really, though, The Arcade Fire winning at the Juno's is about as surprising as Tyler Perry sweeping the NAACP Image Awards. Which he did.
Lindsay Lohan is planning to drop her last name. Apparently she thinks that if she's just "Linday," the cops won't be able to find her.
Facebook may be hiring former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs as part of their overall strategy to help stymie the flow of information from the company.
NASA abandoned plans to add a 3-D camera to a new Mars rover. Instead, they'll shoot in 2-D and convert it to 3-D later. It worked for Alice in Wonderland, right?
In other dimensional news, radio personality Rush Limbaugh has begun disparaging the First Lady's figure, because apparently Mr. Limbaugh has never seen a mirror. Although his tits are probably bigger than hers...
The U.S. State Department has preemptively apologized for the upcoming visit of Jersey Shore cast members to Italy. Many Italians are concerned that the program, and it's cast, perpetuate negative stereotypes against the Italian people. But then again, they voted for Berlusconi, so what the hell do they know?
Lastly, Donald Trump recently produced a birth certificate proving that he was born in Queens, New York. No documentation was available regarding the origin of his hair.
That's it for today! Remember, these were free. If you did like them, tell your friends! Spread the word far and wide! We'll be back tomorrow, hope to see you then.
Have a great day!
South Korea recently sent 37 defectors back to North Korea, in what sounds like the penalty phase for the world's most brutal reality show. Get kicked off American Idol, you go on Regis and Kelly the next day. Get kicked off South Korean Idol, and things get decidedly worse. Are you paying attention, Hollywood?
Speaking of things ignored by Hollywood, the Junos, Canada's version of the Grammies, were held this weekend. To no one's surprise, Canuck music commune The Arcade Fire won, taking home four awards including Album of the Year. Better luck next time, Loverboy. Really, though, The Arcade Fire winning at the Juno's is about as surprising as Tyler Perry sweeping the NAACP Image Awards. Which he did.
Lindsay Lohan is planning to drop her last name. Apparently she thinks that if she's just "Linday," the cops won't be able to find her.
Facebook may be hiring former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs as part of their overall strategy to help stymie the flow of information from the company.
NASA abandoned plans to add a 3-D camera to a new Mars rover. Instead, they'll shoot in 2-D and convert it to 3-D later. It worked for Alice in Wonderland, right?
In other dimensional news, radio personality Rush Limbaugh has begun disparaging the First Lady's figure, because apparently Mr. Limbaugh has never seen a mirror. Although his tits are probably bigger than hers...
The U.S. State Department has preemptively apologized for the upcoming visit of Jersey Shore cast members to Italy. Many Italians are concerned that the program, and it's cast, perpetuate negative stereotypes against the Italian people. But then again, they voted for Berlusconi, so what the hell do they know?
Lastly, Donald Trump recently produced a birth certificate proving that he was born in Queens, New York. No documentation was available regarding the origin of his hair.
That's it for today! Remember, these were free. If you did like them, tell your friends! Spread the word far and wide! We'll be back tomorrow, hope to see you then.
Have a great day!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - January 17, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
The Indian government is razing a block of apartments in Mumbai that has been at the center of a corruption scandal. In a similar move, plans are underway to burn down several hospitals that are widely known centers of illness and disease.
The Indian government is razing a block of apartments in Mumbai that has been at the center of a corruption scandal. In a similar move, plans are underway to burn down several hospitals that are widely known centers of illness and disease.
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