Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 2, 2013

Over the weekend in New York, a helicopter successfully landed in the middle of the Hudson River. Because that's how hard it is to find a helicopter parking space in the city.

In the Middle East, news coverage is completely dominated by protests in Egypt, which means this is the perfect time for a Middle-Eastern nip-slip to go unnoticed.

Apple Computers is rumored to be trying to lock down a trademark on the term "iWatch." Too bad the NSA beat them to it.

The underage sex-abuse lawsuit against Kevin Clash, the actor who played Elmo was dismissed yesterday because the judge ruled the plaintiffs waited too long to bring their action. The judge did also rule that Clash did not wait long enough before bringing his action.

It looks like Edward Snowden is stuck in Moscow, unable to get on a flight out of the country. Probably shouldn't have booked with Orbitz.

Scientists estimate that there are 60 billion habitable planets in the Milky Way galaxy, but that number goes way down when you factor in how far away they are from Trader Joe's.

A man at a bank in Orange County, California, was nearly arrested for wearing a surgical mask. Police were relieved to find out he was not a bank robber, but merely wearing the mask because he has cancer. Not relieved, but, you know.

And finally, after the thrilling efforts of Wendy Davis in Texas to block anti-abortion legislation, NBC has announced a new summer reality competition: "So You Think You Can Filibuster!" Harry Reid has already set his DVR.

Monday Morning Monologue - March 25, 2013

Hey! It's back! Coming to you live from our brand new studio in the Windy City, it's the new and not-at-all-improved Late Night Morning! Here's some jokes.

IBM researchers have found ways to make circuits that mimic the way human brains work. Meaning that the circuits work for fifteen minutes, then spend an hour looking at pictures of their exes on Facebook.

Carlos Slim, the Mexican telecommunications mogul and world’s richest man, just secured the Mexican broadcasting rights for the Olympics in 2014 and 2016. It’s part of his plan to no longer be the world’s richest man.

On the Internet, a kickstarter fundraising drive raised $2 million in one day to fund a film version of the Kristen Bell series Veronica Mars. Now if we could just convince Kristen to star in a show about curing cancer...

Speaking of doing more, the Pope said this week that we need to be doing more to help out the world’s poor. He then excused himself to the Little Pope’s Room, where he took a dump on a solid gold toilet and wiped his ass with platinum paper.

Scientists are on the verge of developing a hypo-allergenic apple. “It’s about time!” said no one ever.

At least 100 people were injured in a multi-car pileup in Edmonton, Alberta. It was a terrible accident that will be forever known as “the time the entire population of Alberta got in a car accident.”

South Korea said this week that it suspects North Korea is behind a series of cyber attacks. They came to this conclusion after they determined the attacks were launched with an Atari 2600 powered by a hamster wheel.

And finally, Poland is launching an ad campaign to preserve the Polish language. But since the ads were in Polish, no one understood them.

And that's it! Totally worth the wait, right?

Thursday Morning Monologue - October 18, 2012

BIG NEWS! Lance Armstrong is stepping down from his cancer charity, due to his alleged doping. It's a real missed opportunity, though, for Armstrong to spread the word about how effective steroids are against cancer.

Lance Armstrong is set to lose around $30 million dollars in sponsors, because of his doping history. However, he will still be sponsored by raisins, because of his doping history.

Because steroids shrank his nut.

In Florida, a man was charged with smuggling dinosaur bones into the country. In hindsight, he probably shouldn't have packed them in cocaine.

The FBI arrested a man for plotting to blow up the Federal Reserve yesterday. Apparently he wasn't satisfied with how slowly the Fed was destroying itself.

New York Yankees short stop Derek Jeter is set to recover from ankle surgery for five months. He won't be able to play, but he will still be able to spread herpes.

In Japan, there's a new trend called "cuddle bars." People pay money to nap with others, but be careful if anyone offers you a "tip."

It's a penis tip.

Vice President Biden was campaigning in Colorado yesterday, urging voters to vote now because, in his words, "you never know what crazy shit I might say before election day."

And finally, Forbes Magazine ranked Ashton Kutcher as the highest paid television actor in their recent "What's Wrong With America" issue.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 8, 2012

I have no banter today. Absolutely none. I'm too busy thinking about The Avengers. You've seen it, right? You've gotta see it. Right after you read these jokes.

This week, Vladimir Putin was sworn in for his third term as Russia's President, just in time for the next James Bond movie.

Yemeni and American intelligence agents foiled another airline underwear bomb plot yesterday with the help of special consultants Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.

Beef Products Inc., makers of the "pink slime" beef filler, are closing three plants and will punch anyone in the mouth who says "there's no such thing as bad publicity."

Medical researchers believe that a compound in curry may fight bowel cancer. By blasting the cancer right out your ass.

In South Korea, customs agents are cracking down on smugglers bringing in capsules of powdered human flesh from China. They're just trying to protect the domestic market.

Bad news for Disney, the French theme park, Euro Disney, is reporting high losses due to higher wage costs, renovations, and the overall suckiness of Euro Disney.

The CEO of Yahoo! has been accused of fabricating part of his resume, because he apparently wanted a job at Yahoo!

And finally, Governor Paul LePage of Maine said yesterday that unemployed people need to "get up off the couch" and get a job. Also, they need to get up because that couch is being repossessed by the bank.

And that is all. See you tomorrow!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 1, 2012

Happy May Day! How will you be celebrating? Perhaps by angrily taking to the streets? Or dancing happily around a large pole? Either option is equally valid. First, enjoy some jokes.

Presidential "candidate" Mitt Romney said that just like President Obama, he also would have ordered the raid on bin Laden's compound last year. But he would have ordered it from China.

A woman was just rescued in Utah after spending four days stranded in the desert. Or as the rest of us call it, "being in Utah."

Clive Palmer, an Australian billionaire, is now building and plans to sail a ship called "Titanic II" from London to New York. James Cameron responded to the news by saying "I love sequels!"

The Macmillan Cancer Support charity in England says that not enough women are using sunscreen. It also kindly offered to help women apply the sunscreen. And, you know, maybe get a drink afterward?

United States armed forces are joining the hunt for African mega-bastard Joseph Kony. Has anyone checked Pakistan?

The HDNet channel is launching a reality show about the women at a legal brothel in Nevada. Hmm. Television program about legally-sanctioned prostitutes? Didn't that used to be called C-SPAN?

BOOM!

In Murfreesboro, Tennessee, a trial is underway to prevent the construction of a mosque in the town on the grounds that the Imams might start teaching evolution.

And finally, Microsoft just bought a sizable stake in Barnes and Noble's Nook device, so look out for them to stop working any time now.

That's it! But since you've been so good, enjoy this May Day goodness:

"May Queen," by Liz Phair. Not related to Brian May of Queen.

Hey, how about the Haymarket riots?

That's all!

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 2, 2011

Holla! Welcome to your Thursday, everyone. It's almost over! Can you taste it? I don't know what it is, but it's exciting, right? Hey, speaking of exciting, yesterday was National Running Day. Newt Gingrich celebrated by tripping himself. Does that even make sense? Oh, who cares.

Anyway.

Google announced yesterday that someone had hacked into Gmail, stealing the personal data of thousands of users. Obviously Google is upset about this. After all, they worked hard to steal that personal data in the first place! Doesn't seem fair.

Big news from the world of celebrities you can't remember why you know: Kim Kardashian will be changing her name after she marries her fiance, Kris Humphries. She actually picked out her own new name: SVETLANA KARDASHIAN. She may have been unclear as to how this thing works. But she'll get it figured out, because she's so traditional.

In entertainment on purpose news, Patrick Dempsey announced that he will be leaving Grey's Anatomy at the end of this season. Apparently he's worried about being typecast as the guy who stars in crappy shows.

You know what else? In a recent interview looking back over his life, British rocker Ozzy Osbourne said"I'm very blessed." At least that's what we think he said.

In politics, Sarah Palin spent a night in nearby Jersey City during her NYC visit, apparently trying to convince herself not to run for any office that would put her in charge of fixing places like Jersey City.

In other political news, Rep. Anthony Weiner has come under fire for allegedly emailing a picture of his own crotch to a woman over Twitter. That's unfortunate for a guy with his name. To head off the flood of cheap jokes, he has temporarily changed his name to Penis Weiner. Don't worry, he'll figure it out.

In health news, a study by the World Health Organization found evidence that cell phones are carcinogenic. Does that mean we can finally get them barred from clubs and restaurants? Is there such a thing as second hand brain cancer?

Speaking of brain cancer, protestors from the famed and insaned Westboro Baptist Church were kept out of Arlington National Cemetery this weekend by... the KKK. Who are we supposed to root for in that conflict? That's like the Mavericks and the Heat in the NBA finals! No matter who comes out on top, a jerk has won.

And lastly, Google is launching a new service called "+1," that is an "homage" to Facebook's "Like" button. It's bound to be ridiculously popular, so long as Google promotes it with Google Buzz. It's the voice of the new generation.

Okay, that's it! Spencer's here tomorrow, Earnest is here Sunday, and you're here EVERY DAY! So make it a great day.

And don't forget your sunblock!