Monday Morning Monologue - August 27, 2012

Given that the GOP convention hasn't started yet, I thought I'd do the Gulf Coast a favor and share some hurricane survival tips, as well as re-run last year's hurricane special. And really, what are we about here if not public service? Enjoy this fully justified excuse for me not watching the news today!

Tip #1: Call ahead when evacuating to make sure you're not wearing the same thing as your friends.

Tip #2: In a post-hurricane disaster, cash will be worthless. Instead, be sure to stock up on intrinsically valuable things, like the love of a good woman or the music of Justin Bieber.

Tip #3: Isaac is a stupid name for a hurricane. Therefore, it probably won't be that dangerous. Dress accordingly.

Tip #4: The hurricane's only natural enemy is the mountain lion. See if you can find one, and then make friends with it. This should take no longer than ten minutes.

Tip #5: When explaining your experiences to others after the hurricane, be sure to make liberal use of the phrase "You weren't there, man! You don't know!"

Tip #6: Early settlers believed that drinking Hurricanes would appease the angry hurricane god, and save the inebriated person from the storm. It's not true, but that's still one tasty superstition.

Tip #6: Try not to schedule any important, nationally televised, massive gatherings in hurricane-prone areas this time of year. But what kind of jackass would do that?

Tip #7: Bring an umbrella.

Tip #8: If at any time the power goes out, start screaming. Yeah, that will help.

And now, a blast from the past!

Monday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2011

Today's monologue is brought to you by Hurricane Irene, because what else use there to talk about? Also, instead of the usual jokes, I'll be bringing you helpful tips for making it through a hurricane with poise and dignity. Although it's debatable how much dignity is available when you're crapping in a plastic bag in the dark. Enjoy! (and if these seem familiar, it's probably because you follow me on Twitter or Facebook. If they don't sound familiar, then you should follow me on Facebook or Twitter!).

Tip #1: In any hurricane or natural disaster, always respect the "dibs" rule when looting.

Tip #2: The strength and speed of hurricanes are dissipated by wetlands. Always surround yourself with wetlands no matter where you go.

Tip #3: When evacuating, remember to get drunk enough to not feel fear, but also not so drunk that you feel invincible. Best to stop while you can still feel your face.

Tip #4: During any flood conditions, always stay near the fat guy, cause those suckers float! Also, they might have some candy.

Tip #5: When planning your evacuation route, make sure you go through the nicest neighborhood in town, in case you need to do some last minute looting.

Tip #6: Watch out for Zombies. You know, just in case.

Tip #7: Remember, standing in the hurricane-force wind and rain while screaming at the top of your lungs in defiance of the gods themselves is totally metal. But pace yourself, and drink some warm tea afterward. Black tea. It's the most metal of all teas.

Tip #8: After a hurricane, or any natural disaster, when you call FEMA for assistance, be sure to mention how white you are.

That's all for me for today. Stay safe, and if you have some extra dough, why not donate to the Red Cross? They do good work helping people, and some day they might be helping you.

Until then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 6, 2011

Hey, everybody! I hope your Tuesday is awesome. You know what's awesome? Locally-grown, pesticide-free produce. Just a thought. Eight more thoughts follow, but none as tasty as a farm fresh tomato. Enjoy.

The Postal Service announced a projected $5.5 billion budget deficit. Looks like the "Forever" stamps may be turning into the "While you still can" stamps. In a related story, there is no word yet on the solvency of Death Cab For Cutie.

In France, the trial for former President Chirac got underway without him being in attendance. Silvio Berlusconi asked if he could have the same deal, as his duties as Italian Prime Minister still require his undivided attention. And by "duties" he of course means "banging high-class call girls."

In Hollywood, Eddie Murphy is on the short list to host the next Oscars telecast. He's promised to uphold the storied tradition of the telecast: failing spectacularly and then blaming Bruce Vilanch.

Green Day frontman and Broadway participant Billie Joe Armstrong got kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight recently because his pants were too baggy. Apparently his pants were so low that the flight attendant could see his Dookie. What a Nimrod! Seriously, what kind of American Idiot can't pull up his pants? Kerplunk.

Meteorologists report that Hurricane Katia is intensifying in the Atlantic Ocean. This is terrible news for millions on the east coast who are just now recovering from last week's Hurricane Irene coverage.

Oprah Winfrey will be holding a live chat on Facebook this fall, as part of her plan to finally interview 500 million people at once.

Speaking of Facebook, a woman recently went out with a man she met on Facebook who then proceeded to rob an off-track betting house and forced her to serve as his getaway driver. Is this the world we've come to, where men no longer drive on first dates? For shame.

And finally, two Mexican school teachers are facing 30 years in prison for tweets they sent about a school kidnapping that turned out to be a hoax. Did anyone else think that sentence was going to end with "and a picture of their penises?"

And so it ends. Enjoy it or not, it still happened. Come back tomorrow, when more stuff will happen!

Till then, have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2011

Today's monologue is brought to you by Hurricane Irene, because what else use there to talk about? Also, instead of the usual jokes, I'll be bringing you helpful tips for making it through a hurricane with poise and dignity. Although it's debatable how much dignity is available when you're crapping in a plastic bag in the dark. Enjoy! (and if these seem familiar, it's probably because you follow me on Twitter or Facebook. If they don't sound familiar, then you should follow me on Facebook or Twitter!).

Tip #1: In any hurricane or natural disaster, always respect the "dibs" rule when looting.

Tip #2: The strength and speed of hurricanes are dissipated by wetlands. Always surround yourself with wetlands no matter where you go.

Tip #3: When evacuating, remember to get drunk enough to not feel fear, but also not so drunk that you feel invincible. Best to stop while you can still feel your face.

Tip #4: During any flood conditions, always stay near the fat guy, cause those suckers float! Also, they might have some candy.

Tip #5: When planning your evacuation route, make sure you go through the nicest neighborhood in town, in case you need to do some last minute looting.

Tip #6: Watch out for Zombies. You know, just in case.

Tip #7: Remember, standing in the hurricane-force wind and rain while screaming at the top of your lungs in defiance of the gods themselves is totally metal. But pace yourself, and drink some warm tea afterward. Black tea. It's the most metal of all teas.

Tip #8: After a hurricane, or any natural disaster, when you call FEMA for assistance, be sure to mention how white you are.

That's all for me for today. Stay safe, and if you have some extra dough, why not donate to the Red Cross? They do good work helping people, and some day they might be helping you.

Until then, have a great day!