Today's monologue is brought to you by Hurricane Irene, because what else use there to talk about? Also, instead of the usual jokes, I'll be bringing you helpful tips for making it through a hurricane with poise and dignity. Although it's debatable how much dignity is available when you're crapping in a plastic bag in the dark. Enjoy! (and if these seem familiar, it's probably because you follow me on Twitter or Facebook. If they don't sound familiar, then you should follow me on Facebook or Twitter!).
Tip #1: In any hurricane or natural disaster, always respect the "dibs" rule when looting.
Tip #2: The strength and speed of hurricanes are dissipated by wetlands. Always surround yourself with wetlands no matter where you go.
Tip #3: When evacuating, remember to get drunk enough to not feel fear, but also not so drunk that you feel invincible. Best to stop while you can still feel your face.
Tip #4: During any flood conditions, always stay near the fat guy, cause those suckers float! Also, they might have some candy.
Tip #5: When planning your evacuation route, make sure you go through the nicest neighborhood in town, in case you need to do some last minute looting.
Tip #6: Watch out for Zombies. You know, just in case.
Tip #7: Remember, standing in the hurricane-force wind and rain while screaming at the top of your lungs in defiance of the gods themselves is totally metal. But pace yourself, and drink some warm tea afterward. Black tea. It's the most metal of all teas.
Tip #8: After a hurricane, or any natural disaster, when you call FEMA for assistance, be sure to mention how white you are.
That's all for me for today. Stay safe, and if you have some extra dough, why not donate to the Red Cross? They do good work helping people, and some day they might be helping you.
Until then, have a great day!
Tip #1: In any hurricane or natural disaster, always respect the "dibs" rule when looting.
Tip #2: The strength and speed of hurricanes are dissipated by wetlands. Always surround yourself with wetlands no matter where you go.
Tip #3: When evacuating, remember to get drunk enough to not feel fear, but also not so drunk that you feel invincible. Best to stop while you can still feel your face.
Tip #4: During any flood conditions, always stay near the fat guy, cause those suckers float! Also, they might have some candy.
Tip #5: When planning your evacuation route, make sure you go through the nicest neighborhood in town, in case you need to do some last minute looting.
Tip #6: Watch out for Zombies. You know, just in case.
Tip #7: Remember, standing in the hurricane-force wind and rain while screaming at the top of your lungs in defiance of the gods themselves is totally metal. But pace yourself, and drink some warm tea afterward. Black tea. It's the most metal of all teas.
Tip #8: After a hurricane, or any natural disaster, when you call FEMA for assistance, be sure to mention how white you are.
That's all for me for today. Stay safe, and if you have some extra dough, why not donate to the Red Cross? They do good work helping people, and some day they might be helping you.
Until then, have a great day!
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