Friday Morning Monologue - April 19, 2013

The City of Las Vegas is getting a new "New York" style park. The park is conceived of as a way to bring residents out into a public space in the same way that parks in New York City do, becoming a central hub for communities. In order to replicate the success of NYC, Las Vegas will be importing authentic NYC homeless people, pot-dealing university students, and used condoms.

In political news, Italy's Parliament failed to elect a president in its first vote this week. "That's great news!" said everyone familiar with Italian politics.

Former Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf was arrested yesterday outside of Islamabad, Pakistan. So apparently they can arrest people.

Financial earnings for Google fell short of expectations this year, according to twelve links on my Facebook feed.

A juror in Oregon was jailed for texting during a trial. He was caught when the judge noticed a strange blue light on the juror's face when the courtroom lights were dimmed for a video presentation. In a related story, don't ever get put on trial for anything.

Twitter is launching a music app, so you can hear the same song replayed by 60 of your friends in one afternoon.

Probably a Justin Bieber song.

Due to hard economic times, Pope Francis is cutting the Vatican staff's bonuses this year. In a related story, they get bonuses at the Vatican!

A federal judge tossed out a lawsuit from Viacom against YouTube. The suit alleges that YouTube willfully exploits videos without compensating the people who made them. And that's something Viacom prefers to do.

Software students in Iceland developed an Android app to help users on the singles' scene to determine if potential mates were actually their cousins, which is a problem on the small island. They developed the program for Android because no one wants to sleep with people using a BlackBerry, iPhone users only want to have sex with themselves, and Windows Mobile users are already screwed.

And finally, iconic rocker Stevie Nicks said she thinks that actress Reese Witherspoon is 'too old' to portray Ms. Nicks. So, looks like Stevie is back on cocaine again.

That's all. Cheers!

Thursday Morning Monologue - April 11, 2013

Hey, where ya been?

In a really bizarre story, a young Florida couple kidnapped their own children from their grandparents and then sailed to Cuba. Apparently to meet Jay-Z and Beyonce. Ultimately the fugitives were located, and Cuban authorities agreed to return them to the U.S. And the worst part about this is now these kids will be forced to grow up in Florida.

A British study found that children who regularly eat cereal for breakfast have a lower body mass index than children who don't. Conversely, adults who eat breakfast cereal for dinner are usually fatasses.

The H7N1 Bird Flu strain was found in South African ostrich farms, which is bad news for budget-conscious grocery shoppers hoping to score some reasonably-priced ostrich.

Japan will start making its own jets, hoping to become a major player in the international jet industry. And they'll succeed, especially if they can make sure their jets transform into giant robots.

Former President Bill Clinton just joined Twitter, and we're all looking forward to when he "accidentally" tweets a picture of his "Rep. Weiner."

A nun plead guilty to stealing over $100,000 in church funds to support her gambling habit. Incidentally, "gambling habit" is what she called her lucky clothes.

Due to the sequester, the U.S. Navy canceled all appearances by the Blue Angels stunt team at air shows for the coming year. And that's fine, because ultimately the private industry is much better at creating air show disasters.

And finally, speaking of disasters, Julie Taymor finally settled her legal dispute with the producers of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Under the settlement, Ms. Taymor will receive an undisclosed sum of money, and she'll get to break the legs of one dancer for each year the play runs.

And that's it!

Thursday Morning Monologue - October 4, 2012

Fire the jokes!

Detroit Tigers' Third Baseman Miguel Cabrera succeeding in winning Baseball's first "triple crown" since 1967. The Tigers announced they will put him out to stud.

A huge marijuana field was found yesterday in south Chicago. It came to the attention of authorities when the owners applied for government farm subsidies.

Thanks a lot, Obama!

Speaking of Obama, he and Mitt Romney debated last night. Jim Lehrer is rumored to have attended.

At the debate, Romney said that he loved Big Bird, but would cut funding to PBS if elected. To clarify, he does *not* love oil, coal, or hedge funds.

The debate was the most tweeted event in U.S. political history, barely surpassing the famed Kitten/Puppy convention of 2009.

In a related story, undecided voters are unlikely to come to a decision on the election after watching last night's debate, mainly because it was not conducted with sock puppets.

Undecided voters in October are kinda dumb.

In Germany, a liquor company is selling bottles of booze that have been poured over the breasts of nude and lingerie models before bottling. IHOP is offering a similar deal with their syrups, except instead of lingerie models, they have a hairy dude named "Sal."

And finally, authorities in Michigan announced that Jimmy Hoffa's remains were not found in a Detroit driveway this week. Can you say the same thing for your home?

CAN YOU!?

Later.

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 2, 2012

Check this out. It's jokes and such.

In India, utilities companies restored power to 600 million people left in the dark after the power grid failed. When asked if something similar could happen in America, the federal government was quick to say "no," but only because there aren't 600 million people in America.

If you've been on Twitter lately, you've probably seen the popular #NBCFail hashtag trending in the last week. It's become so popular, in fact, that NBC decided to make it their new slogan.

Although they really did that as soon as they put Whitney on the air.

Colin Farrell said in an interview that he was "saved" by his son. That's a lot of responsibility to put on one kid. But now we know who to blame if Total Recall sucks.

In Rhode Island, the oldest general store closed this week after being in operation for 224 years. The saddest moment was when they took down the photo of the store's first winning lottery ticket. The number was 12. Also, Twinkies are blah blah blah.

Netflix debuted a new assistant called "Max" on the PS3. It will help to recommend new movies and television shows as well as automatically sending out your Social Security Number and the name of your childhood pet.

A glitch in software at the New York Stock Exchange caused some serious trading anomalies yesterday, and trading had to be briefly suspended. A representative later said that it would be fixed by Thursday. And by "fixed" they mean "rigged."

Eight women badminton players were booted out of the Olympics yesterday for throwing matches during the tournament, although analysts agreed that they all could have been contenders. Whew.

And finally, anti-marriage equality supporters thronged to Chick-Fil-A stores yesterday to show support for the company's stance against gay marriage. In a related story, your favorite lunch spot was probably devoid of assholes yesterday. Thanks, dickheads!

See you tomorrow, friends!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 4, 2012

G'day, mates. Get your funny faces on and let's have some jokes.

Former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin hosted the Today Show yesterday. Or rather, she hosted it till about the midway point and then quit.

She also said recently, regarding the upcoming presidential election, that America needs "anyone but Obama in the White House." Interestingly enough, that was to be her campaign slogan if she ran.

A new museum devoted to the Titanic just opened in Southampton, England. It was immediately hit by an iceberg and destroyed. There were no survivors.

Last week the Syrian government agreed to what they called an "April 10 ceasefire, wink." The "wink" was written into the agreement. Not sure what that means, but it can't be good.

Educators are now using Twitter in Kindergarten classrooms to teach kids to think succinctly, and to teach them as early as possible that people are horrible. Also, they gave us the #boogers hashtag.

Did you know that Facebook's board of directors has no women? It's too bad they couldn't come up with some way to meet women, perhaps online.

In a new advertisement for the next James Bond film, star Daniel Craig is seen drinking a Heineken beer, instead of his trademark martini. That might explain why the new film is called License to be a Douchebag.

ALTERNATE PUNCHLINES!

• Dr. Douchebag
• Douchefinger
• From Russia with a Douche
• Never Say Douchebag Again
• The Man With the Golden Douche
• View to a Douchebag

And finally, the Chinese government allowed two of the country's most popular microblogging websites to resume operation after being shut down this weekend. The government closed the websites to remove posts about an alleged coup in the central government, as well as reports of Paul McCartney's death.

So endeth the lesson. I mean blog. More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 8, 2012

One more time, my friends. Here are some jokes of varying levels of hilarity. Enjoy at will!

PayPal is demanding vendors remove "obscene" e-books or lose their PayPal accounts. That means The Fountainhead, right?

In Michigan, a million dollar lottery winner is now on public assistance. What a shock that someone who buys lottery tickets would have trouble managing money.

Ugandan mega-shit Joseph Kony has been targeted by Twitter users who are trying to shed light on his atrocious crimes and inspire others to take action against him. If it works, maybe we can finally do something about Chris Brown and Whitney.

Following Mitt Romney's "Super Tuesday" wins, fellow candidates Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich both rejected calls to quit. One analyst explained "they've based their entire campaigns on making horrible decisions, why would they stop now?"

The classic computer game SimCity is returning with a special "City Manager Version" on sale only in Michigan. It's just like the regular game, except you have absolutely no say in what happens, and your cities end up getting sold off to golf course developers.

Country singer Jerrod Niemann's tour bus burned up in Tennessee yesterday, spawning another hit single for Niemann.

In international news this week, Hamas denied being proxy for Iran, according to an Iranian press release.

And finally, the ReelzChannel has scheduled a pro-Palin documentary to air the same weekend as HBO's new film Game Chang. According to a representative from ReelzChannel (which does not in fact sound real), their decision is not motivated at all by politics. Nope, it's motivated by money, just like Sarah Palin.

BOOM! Okay, that wraps it up for me. Let's do this again soon, what do you say? Until then, have a series of great days. And don't forget to set your clocks ahead one hour! To help remind you, here's "Clocks."

Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 7, 2012

Wednesday is here once again. And it's brought you these jokes!

Dunkin' Donuts is reaching into Chinese markets and trying to appeal to local tastes with a new pork donut on the menu. And if all goes well, they'll soon be unveiling their new recipe for bear claws. Made with bear claws.

This next joke isn't a joke so much as a headline that caught my eye. From Politico.com:

Well, can't argue with that.

Speaking of Limbaugh, he got dumped by another radio station. If this keeps up, it will be a good thing. Seriously, though, he's been dumped by almost as many radio stations as he has been by women.

He sucks.

Musician and walking freakout Lady Gaga just broke 20 million followers on Twitter, which is about five times as many Scientologists as there are in the world. That news wouldn't be so disturbing if her next project wasn't a book called Gaganetics.

French President Nicholas Sarkozy says France "has too many foreigners." And he's right. I've been there. It was crawling with all sorts of Europeans. Mainly the French.

Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow will not be on The Bachelor next season. Probably because he's already agreed to be on The Biggest Loser. Yeah, take that, you successful, attractive, happy person. Loser.

Hundreds of comic books were damaged at Pittsburgh's ToonSeum by rain this weekend, which just goes to show that's what happens when you don't take proper care of your things and put them away when you're done! I mean I didn't want for this to happen, but if that's what it takes for you to learn that lesson, better now than later. Now come on, let's throw those moldy things out before you get sick and I'll take you out for a soda.

I don't know where that came from. Sorry.

And finally, Broadway director Julie Taymor claims there was a sinister plot to undermine her during the production of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Producers shot back saying it was ridiculous, that nothing resembling a plot has ever been associated with the show.

And that's what it is! What? That's the end of jokes. Forever. Until tomorrow.

BYE!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 29, 2012

Happy Leap Day! What are you going to do with your extra 24 hours? Perhaps read some jokes? I've had a cold for the last two days, so I'm assuming that at least some of my extra hours will involve hacking and coughing things up. Speaking of...

The director of the recent Wrath of the Titans remake promises the sequel will be "vast and epic." Nowhere, however, did he use the words "good" or "watchable."

Singer Celine Dion canceled more of her Las Vegas shows on the orders of her personal doctor. So, there is someone out there who is sicker of her music than I am. Kudos, Doctor.

A group of Harvard alumni are seeking honorary degrees for gay students who were expelled over the last 100 years. Great, now there are even more Harvard grads to compete with.

NASCAR driver Brad Kaselowski gained 130,000 followers when he live-tweeted during the race on Monday. Next week he has to do shots.

The Dow Jones closed above 13,000 for the first time since May, 2008! That's great news, right? Wait what the hell does that mean? Did Wall Street just make a bunch of money and the rest of us got jack squat? Oh, man, I hate it when that happens.

Royal-in-law Pippa Middleton is set to raise money for charity by skiing in the 56-mile Swedish X-C race. She's expected to come in first, followed almost immediately by the rest of the pack.

Because they'll be looking at her ass.

In other ass news, Kid Rock performed at a Mitt Romney event last night, cementing Romney's position in the campaign as the old dude slightly more hip than the guy in the sweater vest. And as always, any proceeds will go to help Kid Rock pay rent.

And finally, reports are surfacing that famed physicist Stephen Hawking has frequented a California sex club in the past. Looks like he really is an expert in the Big Bang after all.

That's all. Enjoy the rest of this magical day! See you tomorrow!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 6, 2011

Are you ready for some happy times, Internet? Doesn't "internet" kind of sound like a vaguely dismissive way to refer to a female intern? That just now occurred to me. These jokes also just occurred to me. READ THEM AND BEHOLD THE ABSURDITY OF OUR WORLD!

A survey found that over one third of American shoppers are done with their holiday gift purchases for the year. This is due in equal parts to Americans not having any money, and the fact that most American children were little shits this year.

In a move to avoid total bankruptcy, the US Postal Service is cutting 28,000 jobs. Hope they don’t get disgruntled.

The postal service's restructuring is part of a plan to save the USPS by slowing down the delivery of mail. That’s like saving a relationship by getting worse at sex. But then people just start banging FedEx and UPS on the side.

In international news, Lithuania is cracking down on beggars, going so far as to criminalize panhandling. That's a bold move for Lithuania, considering the cops who will be arresting them were probably hired using the $3 billion in aid Lithuania received from the EU this year.

At Newark Liberty airport, a passenger was detained after TSA agents found four grenades in his carry on luggage. The grenades were confiscated, which is bad news for the passenger, as he's gotta come back to Newark at some point. And now he won't have his grenades. Which you need for Newark. Because Newark  is a tough city. Moving on.

Astronomers spotted a planet in another solar system of similar size and climate to Earth. It's so similar that they’re calling it an “earth twin.” However, images of the planet with a ridiculous goatee suggest it might be the evil twin.

Former Miss USA Rima Fakih was charged with drunk driving this weekend. Officers got suspicious during the sobriety test when Ms. Fakih had to walk a straight line and wouldn’t stop waving.

And finally, Madonna will be performing at halftime during this year’s Super Bowl, which means we’ll have to find a new name for it. Also, the football won’t be the only tough, leathery thing on camera.

And that’s a wrap. Have a great Tuesday, and I’ll see you tomorrow!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 6, 2011

Hey, everybody! I hope your Tuesday is awesome. You know what's awesome? Locally-grown, pesticide-free produce. Just a thought. Eight more thoughts follow, but none as tasty as a farm fresh tomato. Enjoy.

The Postal Service announced a projected $5.5 billion budget deficit. Looks like the "Forever" stamps may be turning into the "While you still can" stamps. In a related story, there is no word yet on the solvency of Death Cab For Cutie.

In France, the trial for former President Chirac got underway without him being in attendance. Silvio Berlusconi asked if he could have the same deal, as his duties as Italian Prime Minister still require his undivided attention. And by "duties" he of course means "banging high-class call girls."

In Hollywood, Eddie Murphy is on the short list to host the next Oscars telecast. He's promised to uphold the storied tradition of the telecast: failing spectacularly and then blaming Bruce Vilanch.

Green Day frontman and Broadway participant Billie Joe Armstrong got kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight recently because his pants were too baggy. Apparently his pants were so low that the flight attendant could see his Dookie. What a Nimrod! Seriously, what kind of American Idiot can't pull up his pants? Kerplunk.

Meteorologists report that Hurricane Katia is intensifying in the Atlantic Ocean. This is terrible news for millions on the east coast who are just now recovering from last week's Hurricane Irene coverage.

Oprah Winfrey will be holding a live chat on Facebook this fall, as part of her plan to finally interview 500 million people at once.

Speaking of Facebook, a woman recently went out with a man she met on Facebook who then proceeded to rob an off-track betting house and forced her to serve as his getaway driver. Is this the world we've come to, where men no longer drive on first dates? For shame.

And finally, two Mexican school teachers are facing 30 years in prison for tweets they sent about a school kidnapping that turned out to be a hoax. Did anyone else think that sentence was going to end with "and a picture of their penises?"

And so it ends. Enjoy it or not, it still happened. Come back tomorrow, when more stuff will happen!

Till then, have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 3, 2011

What's got eight jokes and no banter? This blog!

Allegations surfaced yesterday that the Newt Gingrich campaign purchased fake Twitter followers to make the candidate appear more popular than he really is. I prefer to think he's just doing really well among people with private photo galleries and iPad giveaways. Also, they might try purchasing some fake campaign staff while they're at it.

This week the U.S. Coast Guard found a disabled submarine in the Caribbean with 7.5 tons of cocaine aboard. A visibly distraught Charlie Sheen asked "wait a minute, was it blue with white pinstripes?! No? Oh, okay."

Also this week, Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords returned to Congress to cast her vote for the bill to raise the debt limit and cut federal spending by two trillion dollars over the next ten years. She voted for the bill, despite her earlier comment that "this economy needs more spending cuts like I need another... well, you know."

I apologize for the construction of that joke, but not the content.

In China, the popular video game Angry Birds has taken off with Chinese gamers. It's just like the American version, except if the birds get too angry, they get arrested.

Speaking of criminals, Venezuela is releasing 40% of all its prisoners as part of a cost-saving initiative. The government assured the people that there's no threat to public safety, as most of the prisoners weren't guilty of anything, anyway.

In entertainment news, Joe Pesci is suing the producers of a film about John Gotti. Pesci says he gained 30 pounds after the producers promised him the role of Gotti, then changed their minds, leaving him, in effect fat and unemployed. In a related story, Rob Reiner wishes he'd thought of that excuse.

Talk show icon Oprah Winfrey is returning to television this fall. There's no word yet if she'll be taking Conan's time slot or not.

And lastly, an unidentified man jumped over the White House fence and was taken into custody by Secret Service agents. President Obama said he's willing to listen to the man's demands and negotiate a deal.

</jokes>

Come back tomorrow, and have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 29, 2011

Alright, team. Stay focused. We're doing great. By the way, have you voted yet for your favorite contestant on The Voice? I really hope that Cee-Lo's mohawk wins it all. Anyway, let's have some intentional jokes now...

Speaking of creepy musicians, Michael Jackson's Thriller jacket sold for $1.8 million. So, a rich weirdo bought a dead guy's clothes? I think Michael would be happy with that. Oh, and also, the jacket will be sent on tour to raise money for children's charities. There's probably a joke about still touching children's lives from beyond the grave, but I'm not about to make it.

On the Internet, MasterCard's website went down today, but representatives from the company were quick to point out that it wasn't due to hacking. Nope, this was just good old fashioned incompetence. Feel better?

A study published last month found that crows could recognize human faces and held grudges against humans for years, even going so far as to warn other crows about dangerous people. Pretty smart, huh? Too bad they couldn't divert some of that brain power to controlling when and where they shit.

Speaking of angry birds, Barnes and Noble just partnered with Rovio, makers of the "Angry Birds" game, to make special content available to gamers who visit Barnes and Noble stores. Because there's nothing that gamers love more than going places.

In international news, this week Iran showed off a new top-secret line of ballistic missiles and secret missile silos. Apparently the Farsi word for "secrecy" means something different than the English version.

Back to the Internet now, and news that Twitter co-founder Biz Stone is stepping away from day-to-day operations of the micro-blogging website. But he's not retired yet. No, he's already busy sending out hundreds of 140-character resumes. #ProbablyDoingJustFine

Back to the Internet for drugs now, with word coming from New York that the man behind the new narcotics called "bath salts" was finally arrested. Now that he's off the streets, there's gonna be a sad bunch of fiends hanging out at Bed Bath and Beyond. Maybe they could just start drinking booze, like real Americans.

And lastly, in political news, rock star Tom Petty sent a cease-and-desist order to Congresswoman Michele Bachmann's campaign demanding that she stop using his song "American Girl" in her videos and public events. He said she's welcome to some of his other songs:

• "Fooled Again"
• "No Second Thoughts"
• "You Can Still Change Your Mind"
• "A Wasted Life"
• "The Damage You've Done"
• "All The Wrong Reasons"
• "Makin' Some Noise"
• "Zero from Outer Space"
• "Asshole"
• "Won't Last Long"
• "No More"
• "Money Become King"
• "When a Kid Goes Bad"
• "Yer So Bad"
• and of course, "Don't Come Around Here No More"

That's all for today! Come back tomorrow, unless you're too busy running down a dream.

Have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 3, 2011

Did anyone see the end of The Apprentice on Sunday? No? Okay, that's what usually happens. So, now how about some jokes about a dead a-hole and his stupid friends?

U.S. forces successfully killed Osama Bin Laden on Sunday in Pakistan, along with three other members of Al Qaeda. For those wishing to send their condolences, in lieu of flowers, please register for a terrorist watch list.

Speaking of watch lists, Aymin Al Zawahiri is likely to take Bin Laden's place as the head of Al Qaeda, although there is a very small chance that Jeff Zucker will make them take Jay Leno.

Upon learning of Bin Laden's death, Bobby Brown came out of hiding. Welcome back, Mr. Brown. We've missed you. (Bin Laden apparently had a huge crush on Whitney Houston and reportedly tried to have Bobby killed. That's why that joke is funny. Okay, carry on.)

In the city of Abbottabad, where the military raid took place, a local resident unwittingly live-blogged the events of the raid from his nearby home, putting it on par with the Golden Globes.

In technology news, Internet providers took a hit Sunday night after rumors first started to spread about Bin Laden's death. Internet use spiked around the world, causing the worst strain on service providers seen since the first time Britney Spears "forgot" to wear underpants.

In Rome, a representative from the Vatican issued a statement saying that Bin Laden will have to answer to God for his actions. According to the spokesman, "anyone who uses religion to spread intolerance or incite violence will eventually have to face God's judgment... hey, could you please stop throwing history books at me?"

At a Mets-Phillies game Sunday night, fans interrupted the game with cheers of "USA! USA!" before switching back to the only other point upon which they both agree, "YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK!"

Lastly in movie news, director Kathryn Bigelow may have to rewrite her new film about a fictional killing of Osama Bin Laden, now that it has actually happened. The famed filmmaker also announced the tentative title of her next film "The Economy Rebounds, We all Get Good Jobs and Everyone at Goldman Sachs Goes to Prison." Keep your fingers crossed.

That's it. Let's see what happens tomorrow.

Hope you enjoyed these and passed them on to your friends or anyone else you want to impress with how cool you are.

Have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 24, 2011

Warm greeting! Banter, banter, banter... mildly humorous comment! Exhortation to read further!

A three-year-old boy in China recently weighed in at 132lbs. That sounds freakish, but he's also 5'10" and he's a gymnast. Yep, everything here is on the up and up.

The House of Windsor issued some etiquette guidelines for behavior at the upcoming royal wedding. One of the stand outs: don't tweet from inside the church. That's a good call, and clearly the people who would tweet during a wedding are very concerned with proper behavior.

The Pet Shop Boys produced a new ballet in London. Try to act surprised.

NBC is launching a new Paul Reiser series in April. Try to act surprised.

Libyan embarrassment Mohammar Gaddhafi remains defiant in the face of coalition attacks, saying "we are making fun of their rockets." I'm guessing that it's primarily dick jokes. At least that's how I'd make fun of rockets.

Showtime decided to pull their current shows from the popular Netflix streaming service, making them instead only available to Showtime subscribers. Apparently Showtime is laboring under the delusion that anyone actually thinks Weeds and United States of Tara are worth money.

MTV just signed up The Real World for seasons 27 and 28, meaning that if the show were a person, it would no longer understand itself.

Lastly, Ed Harris will be playing Senator John McCain in HBO's new miniseries Game Changer. He only got the part after scheduling conflicts forced the actual John McCain to drop out of the production. He was already set to star in the Pet Shop Boys' ballet.

That's all for me today! Hope you enjoyed this, and if you did tell your friends! If not, wait until we have a funnier post, then tell your friends. Come back for more jokes tomorrow with Spencer and Sunday with Earnest.

Have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - March 7, 2011

Welcome to the new week, everyone! It's gonna be a blast! Oh, whatever. It's Monday. Get through it. These jokes might help.

This week, freshman Congressman Ben Quayle defended his campaign ad that called President Obama "the worst President" in American history. Rep. Quayle walked it back at a press briefing, saying that Obama was "one of the worst Presidents in history," and added, "also, please remember that I have almost no understanding of history or what makes for a good President." A flashbulb then distracted the Congressman who promptly forgot what he was talking about and why he was there.

In other news that ignores history, last week LAPD officers pulled over viral video-star Rodney King, who was savagely beaten by members of the LAPD in 1991. This time, King was ticketed for running a red light and driving without a license. When asked for a comment, he said "I guess it could have been worse."

Jersey Shore mascot Snooki recently said that filming for the show is "like prison." She's not too far off, actually. The key difference between Jersey Shore and prison is that you have to actually do something to get in prison, whereas with Jersey Shore blah blah blah those kids all suck. You get the point.

In Japan, Shigeo Tokuda, a 76-year old former travel agent, is now one of Japan's biggest porn stars, specializing in a popular new genre called "elder porn." Hey Japan, I think we've figured out why your population is declining.

In Internet news, former musician and Scared Straight-star Courtney Love is going to have to pay over $430,000 in damages for comments she made about a fashion designer on Twitter, proving that you can make money off of Twitter after all. Now if only we could get Courtney to spend some time on the comments section at Etsy...

In other celebrity payout news, Prince's former lawyers are suing him for $700,000 in delinquent legal fees. Elsewhere, Lindsay Lohan is totally pissed that she's going to prison for a stupid $2,500 necklace. In a related story, she's been invited to join the cast of Jersey Shore.

In real estate news, one of Vladimir Putin's former residences sold for $350million. That price may seem high, but it does include a shark tank, laser cannons and a submarine hangar. No word yet if he's also selling his secret volcano lair.

And finally, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has vowed to issue layoffs to 1,500 state employees "just as soon as the people from the personnel office quit protesting and go back to the office." What a tool.

That's it! We'll be back in 24 hours with new jokes, hope you come back, too. If you like this stuff, you can tell the world via the little buttons below! And as always, share your thoughts in the comments section.

Onward to Tuesday!

Fridays with Spencer: Now with Vitriol

Virgins of the world, rejoice! China is building a theme park based on the World of Warcraft videogame, the park is called Joyland, and two of its five sections are “Terrain of Warcraft”. No word yet on why it's called "Joyland," seeing as how the demographic of Warcraft users are morose human slugs.

Starting next year, a federal law will effectively forbid the production of 100-watt incandescent light bulbs, which are so energy inefficient that they are better used as heating elements in Easy-Bake Ovens than as light sources. Well, Hasbro, after nearly half a century of injuring children and occasionally baking things, you'll have to find another way to tell little girls they belong in the kitchen.

An improv comedian and composer named Justin Moran will open his own Spider-Man musical on March 14—the day before Julie Taymor’s troubled Spider-Man production is scheduled to open. Moran says his show, The Spidey Project: With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility, will open at the Peoples Improv Theater in Manhattan. Moran said, "My play will be a trainwreck as well, but only because I'm a hack. You know all those crappy parody movies that come out when something is popular? It'll be like that... only less thought out and with a smaller budget."

Another black eye for the SEC: The agency’s top lawyer, David Becker, and his brothers inherited more than $1.5 million from their mother that she had earned in Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. The trustee overseeing the case, Irving Picard, has demanded Becker return the money. “This is about my parents' investments. I had nothing to do with my parents' investments," Becker tells the New York Post. He is leaving the SEC next week for a private-sector job, no doubt for one of the firms he was supposed to be regulating.

Things are looking up for Ted Williams. The "golden-voiced" homeless man who became a YouTube star and national sensation, has closed a deal to star in his own reality-TV show that will begin shooting in two weeks. Producers say, "The show will be called Second Chances at Life, and will document how Williams went from having a promising radio career to being homeless, to becoming a national treasure, as well as his attempt to rebuild his career and personal life following his recent slip-up." There you have it America, to be a "National Treasure" you just have to be: drunk, belligerent, violent, and homeless. In a related story, Snooki said she is going to start living in her car.

Rahm Emanuel won Tuesday’s mayoral election. “I'm glad all my hard work PAID-OFF.” Emanuel said in his victory speech, as an aide continued to handout checks.

Kanye West, Twitter, and abortion? The rapper sent the following tweet Wednesday night: “an abortion can cost a ballin' nigga up to 50gs maybe a 100. Gold diggin' bitches be getting pregnant on purpose. #STRAPUP my niggas!” He then followed with the tweet with another message to clarify. “It ain’t happen to me but I know people.” Which leads me to believe that the people Kanye knows, don't know where to find an affordable abortion.

The Arizona legislature is preparing new immigration laws that would outlaw illegal immigrants from driving, attending school, and receiving public benefits. Many of these laws openly flout federal laws. Under the law, schools and hospitals would require IDs; illegal immigrants would be barred from all state licenses, including marriage; and landlords would be required to evict entire families if just one illegal immigrant is found to be living with them. What's better than illegal immigrants living in Arizona? Homeless, sick, uneducated illegal immigrants living in Arizona!