Welcome to your Tuesday, my friends. Did you eat your peas yet? If you didn't, it probably means you want America to default on its debts. Boo to that. Booooooo. But yay for jokes!
After recent storms in Chicago, over 800,000 people were left without power. So they had to cook their sausages and listen to the Cubs lose in the dark, like animals. I assume that's what happens in Chicago. Everyone sits around eating sausage and watching the Cubs. Right?
In other sausage news, I mean sporting news, Russian cyclist and consanant-enthusiast Alexandr Kolobnev failed a drug screening while racing in the Tour de France. A visibly angered Kolobnev said "I knew that damn Armstrong pissed in my water bottle!" But no one understood him on account of his silly accent.
Back in America, many Sprint users were unable to send or receive text messages yesterday, making it that much harder for politicians to end their careers.
In news of the Internet, superfine actress Mila Kunis will be attending a formal dance with Marine Corps Sergeant Scott Moore after seeing a YouTube video posted by Sgt. Moore where he asked Ms. Kunis to go to the dance as his date. Settle down, sweaty Internet nerds. It only works if you're in the Marine Corps, and HALO doesn't count.
Do you guys watch Pawn Stars? You do? I'm actually surprised. Well, then you might enjoy this joke. Recently, one of the stars of the show, Corey "Big Hoss" Harrison lost 115lbs. The secret? It turns out his fat is a collectible. They just sucked it right out and sold it for a mint!
That was gross. Sorry about that.
Speaking of mint, the world's newest country, South Sudan, unveiled its new currency this week, the South Sudan Pound. In a related story, Glenn Beck is already pitching for a South Sudanese cash for gold company.
In Kendal, England, an owl flew into a woman's window, leaving the perfect image of the creature on the glass. Local birdwatchers suspect the owl probably got drunk at the Harry Potter premier party and flew off. That's why it's always important to stick with your wingman.
And finally, 22 people were arrested in Turkey this week in connection to a Football (soccer) match-fixing scam. The police became suspicious after some bizarrely high scoring matches. Seriously, 3 - nil? You expect anyone to believe that actually happens in soccer?
Three sports jokes, and only one involved steroids! How about that?
Anyway, that's all you get for now. But there's more later! Tomorrow, in fact! Come see us then.
And have a great day!
Showing posts with label mila kunis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mila kunis. Show all posts
Monday, July 11, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - February 14, 2011
Happy Valentine's Day. There. You happy?
Speaking of holidays, Egypt just celebrated its version of Groundhog Day. Unfortunately, the groundhog saw its shadow, which means six more weeks of protests. Or it would have, if a certain someone hadn't pussed out.
As protesters left Tahrir Square, they all pledged to stay in contact and get together again some time, maybe with less people shooting at them. So, Detroit's out.
Most importantly, however, Egyptian television can quit airing wall-to-wall coverage of the country falling apart and get back to crappy game shows and soap operas. That's what democracy smells like.
The revolution did turn out well for CNN, though, as the network saw a sudden increase in viewers. A network spokesperson said "yeah, if we want to keep seeing growth, we're going to have to start fomenting rebellion around the world; preferably where Al Jazeera doesn't already have a strong market share."
In Italy, women began their own protests, calling for the removal of Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi. Upon learning of the she-rallies, the Prime Minister raised one eyebrow knowingly and smiled.
From the Internet, police arrested a man this month for attempting to hire a hitman on Facebook. Obviously, he should have gone to Groupon.
In entertainment Mila Kunis, star of the hit film Black Swan, said that she is through with dancing for the rest of her life. She did say that she will make out with other women, though, just as often as she can.
Lastly, Congressman Christopher Lee (R NY; no relation to Sauron), resigned on Friday after Gawker revealed that he was trolling for women on Craigslist. Should have gone to Groupon with Elliot Spitzer. But there is, ultimately, no bad publicity, and the former Congressman is already examining a possible presidential run in 2012. Brett Favre said "He's got my vote."
Alright, that's it. Happy Monday, enjoy the candy and we'll see you tomorrow. And if you feel so moved, email us to your friends to let them know you care. Just not enough to actually contact them for real.
Speaking of holidays, Egypt just celebrated its version of Groundhog Day. Unfortunately, the groundhog saw its shadow, which means six more weeks of protests. Or it would have, if a certain someone hadn't pussed out.
As protesters left Tahrir Square, they all pledged to stay in contact and get together again some time, maybe with less people shooting at them. So, Detroit's out.
Most importantly, however, Egyptian television can quit airing wall-to-wall coverage of the country falling apart and get back to crappy game shows and soap operas. That's what democracy smells like.
The revolution did turn out well for CNN, though, as the network saw a sudden increase in viewers. A network spokesperson said "yeah, if we want to keep seeing growth, we're going to have to start fomenting rebellion around the world; preferably where Al Jazeera doesn't already have a strong market share."
In Italy, women began their own protests, calling for the removal of Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi. Upon learning of the she-rallies, the Prime Minister raised one eyebrow knowingly and smiled.
From the Internet, police arrested a man this month for attempting to hire a hitman on Facebook. Obviously, he should have gone to Groupon.
In entertainment Mila Kunis, star of the hit film Black Swan, said that she is through with dancing for the rest of her life. She did say that she will make out with other women, though, just as often as she can.
Lastly, Congressman Christopher Lee (R NY; no relation to Sauron), resigned on Friday after Gawker revealed that he was trolling for women on Craigslist. Should have gone to Groupon with Elliot Spitzer. But there is, ultimately, no bad publicity, and the former Congressman is already examining a possible presidential run in 2012. Brett Favre said "He's got my vote."
Alright, that's it. Happy Monday, enjoy the candy and we'll see you tomorrow. And if you feel so moved, email us to your friends to let them know you care. Just not enough to actually contact them for real.
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