Welcome back, my friends! Did you miss me? Oh, go on. No, go on. Go on, read the rest of this. Then you might not miss me so much...
Burmese democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi was issued her first passport in 24 years this week, and was unfortunately squinting in her photo. Oh well, better luck next time!
A Nebraska man changed his name to Tyrannosaurus Rex this week because he thought of it before you did.
George Lucas said recently that education is the single most important job in America, which is why he has vowed to replace every American teacher with a computer-generated alien by 2020.
Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney on Monday after the presumptive candidate agreed to fight for tax breaks for sweater vests and idiots.
America's envoy to Pakistan is leaving the country after almost two years, which means Pakistan should probably get ready for some more drone strikes.
In entertainment news, NBC just picked up two new sitcoms for next season: 1600 Penn and Animal Practice. A spokesman said the network is thrilled to have the new shows, and can't wait to cancel them.
North Carolina voters passed a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage in the state, because fuck tolerance. Incidentally, "Fuck Tolerance" was going to be the new state motto, but the voters didn't know what the word "tolerance" meant, assumed it was French and that saying it would somehow make them all gay.
Seriously, 58% of North Carolina voters can fuck right off.
And finally, airport security screeners in Warwick, Rhode Island, found gun parts stashed in a child's stuffed animals. The child's father was shocked by the find, mostly because that meant he'd accidentally left all his heroin at home.
Okay, that's it! See you tomorrow! Unless you voted for North Carolina's Amendment One, in which case you can fuck right off!
Showing posts with label heroin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heroin. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 11, 2011
It's already Wednesday, and I'm still excited about my new boxer shorts. And just so you know, I'm open to the possibility of a celebrity endorsement deal, despite my lack of celebrity. I guess what I'm saying is, I want to be an underwear model. That's normal, right? Okay, enough of my banter.
There was big news in the Internet yesterday. Microsoft bought Skype for $8.5 billion, making it by far the most expensive cell phone plan in history. Already, Steve Ballmer is planning to work his Zune magic on the popular service, saying in a conference call "this thing doesn't crash nearly often enough! And where are the viruses?!" See, he makes odd choices with new products sometimes. Maybe he'll spend seven years trying to make Skype compatible with the Kin.
Speaking of kin, former royal person Sarah Ferguson said she felt snubbed when she didn't get an invitation to the royal wedding last week. "Seriously," she said, "who do you have to bone to get an invitation to that thing? Oh, right. Anybody else available?" Serious inquiries only, fellas... and ladies.
Speaking of competition, The Voice is bringing former television network NBC some great ratings this season. The main reason for its success? Jeff Zucker hasn't heard about it yet. Boom! He's the Steve Ballmer of television. Okay.
In sadder news, former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are splitting up after 25 years of marriage. My heart goes out to them both, and this is a terribly sad occasion. And although she's too classy to admit it, I bet this is because of that stupid cameo he did in The Expendables. I mean, come on, bad things deserve to happen to a guy who does something like that. Oh, and lending his likeness to Terminator: Salvation! He did that, right? I don't know, I didn't see it. Regardless, the point is, the man is a monster.
Speaking of monsters, party officials in North Korea are ramping up agricultural production... of heroin. That's right. Heroin. It makes a certain kind of sense, considering the entire country is so starving that they all look like heroin addicts. Actually, it's probably part of their secret plan: "Operation Batshit Crazy." Next up, we'll probably hear that Kim Jong Il was crushed underneath a horse wearing Victoria's Secret lingerie. I can't wait to hear the McLaughlin Group discuss that one.
In other international news, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was digitally removed from a photograph of the White House staff when the photo ran in a Hasidic newspaper this week. Hey, good job fighting the "they control the media" stereotype, guys. (ha ha, just kidding, you mensches)
In other bigotry news, former (thankfully) Senator Rick Santorum won a GOP presidential poll in South Carolina this weekend. One local pundit explained the win by saying "he's about the caliber of politician we're used to in South Carolina. Heck, he's awful enough to be our governor."
And lastly, a recent national poll revealed that more than half of Republican voters are unsure that President Obama was born in America, despite the fact that he was clearly born in America. Over fifty percent of Republican voters... Fortunately, they're still American voters, so they probably don't vote. Patrick Henry must feel like a total tool right about now.
Okay, that's it for the blog, but we've got a great day planned for you, and we'll be making fun of it tomorrow. Did you tell your friends? You should, they've got too much time on their hands. Anyway, we'll see you tomorrow. Have a great day until then!
There was big news in the Internet yesterday. Microsoft bought Skype for $8.5 billion, making it by far the most expensive cell phone plan in history. Already, Steve Ballmer is planning to work his Zune magic on the popular service, saying in a conference call "this thing doesn't crash nearly often enough! And where are the viruses?!" See, he makes odd choices with new products sometimes. Maybe he'll spend seven years trying to make Skype compatible with the Kin.
Speaking of kin, former royal person Sarah Ferguson said she felt snubbed when she didn't get an invitation to the royal wedding last week. "Seriously," she said, "who do you have to bone to get an invitation to that thing? Oh, right. Anybody else available?" Serious inquiries only, fellas... and ladies.
Speaking of competition, The Voice is bringing former television network NBC some great ratings this season. The main reason for its success? Jeff Zucker hasn't heard about it yet. Boom! He's the Steve Ballmer of television. Okay.
In sadder news, former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are splitting up after 25 years of marriage. My heart goes out to them both, and this is a terribly sad occasion. And although she's too classy to admit it, I bet this is because of that stupid cameo he did in The Expendables. I mean, come on, bad things deserve to happen to a guy who does something like that. Oh, and lending his likeness to Terminator: Salvation! He did that, right? I don't know, I didn't see it. Regardless, the point is, the man is a monster.
Speaking of monsters, party officials in North Korea are ramping up agricultural production... of heroin. That's right. Heroin. It makes a certain kind of sense, considering the entire country is so starving that they all look like heroin addicts. Actually, it's probably part of their secret plan: "Operation Batshit Crazy." Next up, we'll probably hear that Kim Jong Il was crushed underneath a horse wearing Victoria's Secret lingerie. I can't wait to hear the McLaughlin Group discuss that one.
In other international news, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was digitally removed from a photograph of the White House staff when the photo ran in a Hasidic newspaper this week. Hey, good job fighting the "they control the media" stereotype, guys. (ha ha, just kidding, you mensches)
In other bigotry news, former (thankfully) Senator Rick Santorum won a GOP presidential poll in South Carolina this weekend. One local pundit explained the win by saying "he's about the caliber of politician we're used to in South Carolina. Heck, he's awful enough to be our governor."
And lastly, a recent national poll revealed that more than half of Republican voters are unsure that President Obama was born in America, despite the fact that he was clearly born in America. Over fifty percent of Republican voters... Fortunately, they're still American voters, so they probably don't vote. Patrick Henry must feel like a total tool right about now.
Okay, that's it for the blog, but we've got a great day planned for you, and we'll be making fun of it tomorrow. Did you tell your friends? You should, they've got too much time on their hands. Anyway, we'll see you tomorrow. Have a great day until then!
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