Let's get down to it.
The Dalai Lama won the $1.7 million Templeton Prize for spiritual progress, then announced that he's donating it all to charity. He's also won the Templeton Prize for passive aggressively telling us all that he's better than us.
In other Dalai Lama new, he alleged this week that China was behind a plot to teach women to poison him. China denied it furiously, saying "hey, who're you gonna believe? Oh, crap, that's right. Yeah, never mind. We did it."
In the U.K., popular puppet team Punch and Judy marked their 350th anniversary this year, placing them just behind The Simpsons in total episodes. Also, NBC has given the duo an honorary cancellation.
The founder of America Online sent a warning to Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg, telling him not to get distracted by the company's IPO, which is clearly where AOL fell off the rails.
In Oklahoma, Rep. James Lankford said he opposes legislation to protect the rights of gay people because he believes that being gay is a choice. But you have to be born stupid.
Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger said that TSA security screeners gave him "the full monty" during a recent trip in what must surely be the worst day of their lives.
Britney Spears signed a multi-million dollar deal to join X-Factor next season. She said she's very excited about the opportunity to be on the supply side of judging for a change.
And finally, Greek voters refused to accept austerity measures and rejected the Euro zone bailout plan, saying "hey, we created Western civilization, only fair that we get to destroy it, too."
And that's all. Thunder up!
Showing posts with label britney spears. Show all posts
Showing posts with label britney spears. Show all posts
Monday, May 14, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 8, 2012
I have no banter today. Absolutely none. I'm too busy thinking about The Avengers. You've seen it, right? You've gotta see it. Right after you read these jokes.
This week, Vladimir Putin was sworn in for his third term as Russia's President, just in time for the next James Bond movie.
Yemeni and American intelligence agents foiled another airline underwear bomb plot yesterday with the help of special consultants Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.
Beef Products Inc., makers of the "pink slime" beef filler, are closing three plants and will punch anyone in the mouth who says "there's no such thing as bad publicity."
Medical researchers believe that a compound in curry may fight bowel cancer. By blasting the cancer right out your ass.
In South Korea, customs agents are cracking down on smugglers bringing in capsules of powdered human flesh from China. They're just trying to protect the domestic market.
Bad news for Disney, the French theme park, Euro Disney, is reporting high losses due to higher wage costs, renovations, and the overall suckiness of Euro Disney.
The CEO of Yahoo! has been accused of fabricating part of his resume, because he apparently wanted a job at Yahoo!
And finally, Governor Paul LePage of Maine said yesterday that unemployed people need to "get up off the couch" and get a job. Also, they need to get up because that couch is being repossessed by the bank.
And that is all. See you tomorrow!
This week, Vladimir Putin was sworn in for his third term as Russia's President, just in time for the next James Bond movie.
Yemeni and American intelligence agents foiled another airline underwear bomb plot yesterday with the help of special consultants Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.
Beef Products Inc., makers of the "pink slime" beef filler, are closing three plants and will punch anyone in the mouth who says "there's no such thing as bad publicity."
Medical researchers believe that a compound in curry may fight bowel cancer. By blasting the cancer right out your ass.
In South Korea, customs agents are cracking down on smugglers bringing in capsules of powdered human flesh from China. They're just trying to protect the domestic market.
Bad news for Disney, the French theme park, Euro Disney, is reporting high losses due to higher wage costs, renovations, and the overall suckiness of Euro Disney.
The CEO of Yahoo! has been accused of fabricating part of his resume, because he apparently wanted a job at Yahoo!
And finally, Governor Paul LePage of Maine said yesterday that unemployed people need to "get up off the couch" and get a job. Also, they need to get up because that couch is being repossessed by the bank.
And that is all. See you tomorrow!
Monday, April 9, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 10, 2012
Ever have one of those days when your computer is a total and complete bastard? I'm starting to think "lenovo" is French for "screw you, user." It's fine, though. I don't really like getting things done. Anyway, 90+ minutes later, and I'm back in the saddle, waiting for the blue screen of death to come for me. Before it does, let me tell you some jokes.
First, actress and funny person Kristen Wiig said yesterday that she thinks leaving Saturday Night Live will be "the hardest thing," probably because she's afraid Lorne Michaels is going to lock her in a room with Justin Timberlake and make them both do the Target sketch until one or both of them are dead. Read your contract, Kristen! Soylent Green is Michaela Watkins!
In international news, the U.S. is looking to deepen relations with Brazil, because the U.S. heard that Brazil is really good at relations, and will relate in all sorts of crazy ways that NATO countries just won't anymore.
That's a sex joke.
Britney Spears is petitioning a judge to add her new fiance to her financial conservatorship, along with her father, because she doesn't have any daddy issues.
The Iranian government blocked its people from accessing the 2012 Olympics website, angering no one.
ATT just sold its Yellow Pages business to Cerebus, who will probably flip through it looking for coupons, then leave it alone for several years before finally divesting it during a long-overdue spring cleaning/reorganization.
Microsoft is buying one billion dollars' worth of patents from AOL, raising the company's net worth to one billion dollars.
Actor Ray Liotta said he's tired of playing criminals on screen, and wants a romantic role. It's the most passive-aggressive retirement announcement ever.
And finally, the outlook is bleak for the ceasefire in Syria scheduled for today, following reports of government forces confiscating all of the country's calendars. Should have seen that coming.
And that's all. Till tomorrow!
First, actress and funny person Kristen Wiig said yesterday that she thinks leaving Saturday Night Live will be "the hardest thing," probably because she's afraid Lorne Michaels is going to lock her in a room with Justin Timberlake and make them both do the Target sketch until one or both of them are dead. Read your contract, Kristen! Soylent Green is Michaela Watkins!
In international news, the U.S. is looking to deepen relations with Brazil, because the U.S. heard that Brazil is really good at relations, and will relate in all sorts of crazy ways that NATO countries just won't anymore.
That's a sex joke.
Britney Spears is petitioning a judge to add her new fiance to her financial conservatorship, along with her father, because she doesn't have any daddy issues.
The Iranian government blocked its people from accessing the 2012 Olympics website, angering no one.
ATT just sold its Yellow Pages business to Cerebus, who will probably flip through it looking for coupons, then leave it alone for several years before finally divesting it during a long-overdue spring cleaning/reorganization.
Microsoft is buying one billion dollars' worth of patents from AOL, raising the company's net worth to one billion dollars.
Actor Ray Liotta said he's tired of playing criminals on screen, and wants a romantic role. It's the most passive-aggressive retirement announcement ever.
And finally, the outlook is bleak for the ceasefire in Syria scheduled for today, following reports of government forces confiscating all of the country's calendars. Should have seen that coming.
And that's all. Till tomorrow!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - December 22, 2011
It's Thursday! Crack open the bubbly and celebrate! Start with some jokes, why don't you?
You've seen the video of the FedEx driver throwing a computer monitor over a fence, right? Pretty bad stuff. But still not nearly as bad as the videos from his previous job as a neonatal nurse.
Celebrated bastard Pat Robertson said earlier this week that gay people should simply "un-acquire" their sexuality. You know, like how he un-acquired his sense of human empathy and understanding?
In New Mexico, a woman trapped in her car during a snowstorm gave birth to a healthy baby! She then immediately pulled over to the carpool lane.
Kim Kardashian said in an interview that "mistakes shape our lives," adding "and I've made a lot of mistakes related to my ass."
Remember how Britney Spears got married for 55 hours one time? (that we know of) Well, her "husband" is back in the news, claiming that her current engagement is "fake." He said it's a financial arrangement, and "as fake as every orgasm she had with me." That's pretty fake.
Chinese hackers broke into the U.S. Chamber of Commerce yesterday, apparently forgetting that they could just as easily buy their way in.
The leader of the Scottish group VisitScotland.com said that the new Pixar film about Scotland "could boost" the country's image and spirits. He then added, "does anyone have any heroin?"
And finally, North Korea's new leader Kim Jong-Un will be sharing power with the country's military leadership in a plan designed to keep himself from being assassinated. So good news, North Korea! Don't think of it as losing one tyrannical autocrat so much as you're gaining dozens of tyrannical autocrats. Watch how love expands and grows.
But that's as much expanding and growing as we're going to do today. Come back tomorrow. Maybe Spencer has a growth you can check out. Till then, have a great day!
You've seen the video of the FedEx driver throwing a computer monitor over a fence, right? Pretty bad stuff. But still not nearly as bad as the videos from his previous job as a neonatal nurse.
Celebrated bastard Pat Robertson said earlier this week that gay people should simply "un-acquire" their sexuality. You know, like how he un-acquired his sense of human empathy and understanding?
In New Mexico, a woman trapped in her car during a snowstorm gave birth to a healthy baby! She then immediately pulled over to the carpool lane.
Kim Kardashian said in an interview that "mistakes shape our lives," adding "and I've made a lot of mistakes related to my ass."
Remember how Britney Spears got married for 55 hours one time? (that we know of) Well, her "husband" is back in the news, claiming that her current engagement is "fake." He said it's a financial arrangement, and "as fake as every orgasm she had with me." That's pretty fake.
Chinese hackers broke into the U.S. Chamber of Commerce yesterday, apparently forgetting that they could just as easily buy their way in.
The leader of the Scottish group VisitScotland.com said that the new Pixar film about Scotland "could boost" the country's image and spirits. He then added, "does anyone have any heroin?"
And finally, North Korea's new leader Kim Jong-Un will be sharing power with the country's military leadership in a plan designed to keep himself from being assassinated. So good news, North Korea! Don't think of it as losing one tyrannical autocrat so much as you're gaining dozens of tyrannical autocrats. Watch how love expands and grows.
But that's as much expanding and growing as we're going to do today. Come back tomorrow. Maybe Spencer has a growth you can check out. Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 22, 2011
Happy Wednesday! Every day gets shorter from here on out! Yay, summer! Okay, that's really tiring. Whatever. It's hot. Here's some jokes.
Rapper and actor 50 Cent is writing an anti-bullying book for teens. It's called Quit Picking on that Kid, or I'll Beat You Up.
Prolific musical satirist Weird Al Yankovic released a parody of Lady Gaga this week, which is strange considering that Lady Gaga is now a parody of Lady Gaga.
In aviation news, Virgin Atlantic pilots announced they will go on strike. Air traffic controllers hailed the move, saying "does that mean we get another 15 minutes of sleep?" Ha ha ha, no, it doesn't.
Popular musician Britney Spears kicked off her summer tour this week, and one lucky man from the audience was treated to a lap dance on stage during one of the songs. On the downside though, the dance cost him $20 plus a $10 Ticketmaster surcharge.
Former Oasis bandleader Noel Gallagher is not inviting his brother Liam to his upcoming wedding. It makes sense, though, considering how much trouble it is just having one of those assholes at your wedding. No reason to punish yourself with both.
A young Emperor penguin turned up in New Zealand recently after swimming way, way off course. Veterinarians made sure the animal was in good health, and Peter Jackson immediately added him to the cast of The Hobbit.
Ryan Murphy, the creator of Glee, revealed this week that the characters on his show will age normally and graduate from high school on schedule. So, in that sense, the show is unlike real high schools.
Lastly, in Oregon, a small town dumped 8 million gallons of drinking water from a reservoir after a young man was caught peeing in it. At least he wasn't throwing in a burger from Jack in the Box. BOOM! CALLBACK!
That's all for now! See you again tomorrow!
Eat some fruit and have a great day!
Rapper and actor 50 Cent is writing an anti-bullying book for teens. It's called Quit Picking on that Kid, or I'll Beat You Up.
Prolific musical satirist Weird Al Yankovic released a parody of Lady Gaga this week, which is strange considering that Lady Gaga is now a parody of Lady Gaga.
In aviation news, Virgin Atlantic pilots announced they will go on strike. Air traffic controllers hailed the move, saying "does that mean we get another 15 minutes of sleep?" Ha ha ha, no, it doesn't.
Popular musician Britney Spears kicked off her summer tour this week, and one lucky man from the audience was treated to a lap dance on stage during one of the songs. On the downside though, the dance cost him $20 plus a $10 Ticketmaster surcharge.
Former Oasis bandleader Noel Gallagher is not inviting his brother Liam to his upcoming wedding. It makes sense, though, considering how much trouble it is just having one of those assholes at your wedding. No reason to punish yourself with both.
A young Emperor penguin turned up in New Zealand recently after swimming way, way off course. Veterinarians made sure the animal was in good health, and Peter Jackson immediately added him to the cast of The Hobbit.
Ryan Murphy, the creator of Glee, revealed this week that the characters on his show will age normally and graduate from high school on schedule. So, in that sense, the show is unlike real high schools.
Lastly, in Oregon, a small town dumped 8 million gallons of drinking water from a reservoir after a young man was caught peeing in it. At least he wasn't throwing in a burger from Jack in the Box. BOOM! CALLBACK!
That's all for now! See you again tomorrow!
Eat some fruit and have a great day!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 3, 2011
Did anyone see the end of The Apprentice on Sunday? No? Okay, that's what usually happens. So, now how about some jokes about a dead a-hole and his stupid friends?
U.S. forces successfully killed Osama Bin Laden on Sunday in Pakistan, along with three other members of Al Qaeda. For those wishing to send their condolences, in lieu of flowers, please register for a terrorist watch list.
Speaking of watch lists, Aymin Al Zawahiri is likely to take Bin Laden's place as the head of Al Qaeda, although there is a very small chance that Jeff Zucker will make them take Jay Leno.
Upon learning of Bin Laden's death, Bobby Brown came out of hiding. Welcome back, Mr. Brown. We've missed you. (Bin Laden apparently had a huge crush on Whitney Houston and reportedly tried to have Bobby killed. That's why that joke is funny. Okay, carry on.)
In the city of Abbottabad, where the military raid took place, a local resident unwittingly live-blogged the events of the raid from his nearby home, putting it on par with the Golden Globes.
In technology news, Internet providers took a hit Sunday night after rumors first started to spread about Bin Laden's death. Internet use spiked around the world, causing the worst strain on service providers seen since the first time Britney Spears "forgot" to wear underpants.
In Rome, a representative from the Vatican issued a statement saying that Bin Laden will have to answer to God for his actions. According to the spokesman, "anyone who uses religion to spread intolerance or incite violence will eventually have to face God's judgment... hey, could you please stop throwing history books at me?"
At a Mets-Phillies game Sunday night, fans interrupted the game with cheers of "USA! USA!" before switching back to the only other point upon which they both agree, "YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK!"
Lastly in movie news, director Kathryn Bigelow may have to rewrite her new film about a fictional killing of Osama Bin Laden, now that it has actually happened. The famed filmmaker also announced the tentative title of her next film "The Economy Rebounds, We all Get Good Jobs and Everyone at Goldman Sachs Goes to Prison." Keep your fingers crossed.
That's it. Let's see what happens tomorrow.
Hope you enjoyed these and passed them on to your friends or anyone else you want to impress with how cool you are.
Have a great day!
U.S. forces successfully killed Osama Bin Laden on Sunday in Pakistan, along with three other members of Al Qaeda. For those wishing to send their condolences, in lieu of flowers, please register for a terrorist watch list.
Speaking of watch lists, Aymin Al Zawahiri is likely to take Bin Laden's place as the head of Al Qaeda, although there is a very small chance that Jeff Zucker will make them take Jay Leno.
Upon learning of Bin Laden's death, Bobby Brown came out of hiding. Welcome back, Mr. Brown. We've missed you. (Bin Laden apparently had a huge crush on Whitney Houston and reportedly tried to have Bobby killed. That's why that joke is funny. Okay, carry on.)
In the city of Abbottabad, where the military raid took place, a local resident unwittingly live-blogged the events of the raid from his nearby home, putting it on par with the Golden Globes.
In technology news, Internet providers took a hit Sunday night after rumors first started to spread about Bin Laden's death. Internet use spiked around the world, causing the worst strain on service providers seen since the first time Britney Spears "forgot" to wear underpants.
In Rome, a representative from the Vatican issued a statement saying that Bin Laden will have to answer to God for his actions. According to the spokesman, "anyone who uses religion to spread intolerance or incite violence will eventually have to face God's judgment... hey, could you please stop throwing history books at me?"
At a Mets-Phillies game Sunday night, fans interrupted the game with cheers of "USA! USA!" before switching back to the only other point upon which they both agree, "YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK!"
Lastly in movie news, director Kathryn Bigelow may have to rewrite her new film about a fictional killing of Osama Bin Laden, now that it has actually happened. The famed filmmaker also announced the tentative title of her next film "The Economy Rebounds, We all Get Good Jobs and Everyone at Goldman Sachs Goes to Prison." Keep your fingers crossed.
That's it. Let's see what happens tomorrow.
Hope you enjoyed these and passed them on to your friends or anyone else you want to impress with how cool you are.
Have a great day!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 13th, 2011
Oh, whoa, we're halfway there. Let's have a laugh, shall we?
Amazon announced plans to begin selling a new Kindle with advertisements. It's expected to be popular with people who want reading to be more like television.
Presidential hopeful Haley Barbour's political independence came under scrutiny this week due to his past as a lobbyist. Barbour responded that his ties to special interest groups will be a real time-saver, as they can take their demands straight to him without going through a middleman. "I'll be able to whore myself out with maximum efficiency!"
A recent J. Crew advertisement raised eyebrows this week when a boy was shown with pink painted toenails. A spokesman for the company said this was an attempt to counteract the overbearing machismo their clothes normally exude.
Police recovered a Superman comic stolen from Nicolas Cage in 2000. Still missing: his artistic credibility from 2000.
Rihanna said this week in an interview that she wants to "spank" Britney Spears. Let's make that happen.
In Internet news, television insiders are surprised at the overwhelming success of Hulu.com. A representative from NBC said "this is unacceptable, we'll have to find a way to ruin it."
In politics this week, the Mitt Romney-Bot switched from "idle" to "run" in preparation for the 2012 presidential race.
And lastly, the Church of England is cracking down on sham marriages, entered into for immigration purposes. A spokesman said "these marriages distract from our original mission, which is of course providing a pretext for royal divorces."
Well, that's all for now! Hope your day got a little brighter. Tell your friends, if you did, and come see us again tomorrow! But most importantly, have a great day!
Amazon announced plans to begin selling a new Kindle with advertisements. It's expected to be popular with people who want reading to be more like television.
Presidential hopeful Haley Barbour's political independence came under scrutiny this week due to his past as a lobbyist. Barbour responded that his ties to special interest groups will be a real time-saver, as they can take their demands straight to him without going through a middleman. "I'll be able to whore myself out with maximum efficiency!"
A recent J. Crew advertisement raised eyebrows this week when a boy was shown with pink painted toenails. A spokesman for the company said this was an attempt to counteract the overbearing machismo their clothes normally exude.
Police recovered a Superman comic stolen from Nicolas Cage in 2000. Still missing: his artistic credibility from 2000.
Rihanna said this week in an interview that she wants to "spank" Britney Spears. Let's make that happen.
In Internet news, television insiders are surprised at the overwhelming success of Hulu.com. A representative from NBC said "this is unacceptable, we'll have to find a way to ruin it."
In politics this week, the Mitt Romney-Bot switched from "idle" to "run" in preparation for the 2012 presidential race.
And lastly, the Church of England is cracking down on sham marriages, entered into for immigration purposes. A spokesman said "these marriages distract from our original mission, which is of course providing a pretext for royal divorces."
Well, that's all for now! Hope your day got a little brighter. Tell your friends, if you did, and come see us again tomorrow! But most importantly, have a great day!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 2, 2011
It's Wednesday! And what a wonderful Wednesday it's gonna be!
Actress and human-incubator Natalie Portman responded to the video of fashion designer John Galliano making anti-Semitic remarks by saying she was "disgusted." That's a harsh criticism coming from someone who was in all three Star Wars prequels.
At the Vanity Fair Oscar party, actress and slap-dispenser Joan Collins was rushed to the hospital after feeling faint. The culprit? Her dress was too tight. Happy Women's History Month, everybody!
In London, a Libyan diplomat recently expressed sorrow over recent events and was quoted as saying "I think we realize that he's crazy, but we have no alternative. We have no ways to get rid of him until now." He then clarified, "No, I'm talking about Colonel Gaddafi, not Charlie Sheen. Leave that poor man alone!"
In a related story, Nelly Furtado announced she will be giving away $1million she earned from a private performance for the Gaddafi family. The money will now be used to help pay the salaries of Two and a Half Men crew members.
In other Gadaffi news, Saif Gadaffi has been charged with plagiarizing parts of his dissertation, which puts him in danger of losing his Ph.D. The embattled scholar responded by saying, "that's just great! What else can go wrong? Oh, right."
In American politics, Newt Gingrich appears to be gearing up for a Presidential run in 2012. Pundits and analysts say he has a good chance, but he will have to overcome the fact that he's Newt Gingrich.
Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication yesterday. Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Britney Spears stared wistfully out a window and thought of days gone by.
Finally, the Department of the Interior issued a permit for deep water drilling in the Gulf of Mexico for the first time since the BP catastrophe last year. A government spokesman explained, "look, I know we've had trouble in the past, but they've changed! It'll be different this time. We're going to be so happy together..." A nearby oil executive added, "that's right, baby. This is a truly great moment for people with no understanding of history. Now let's go make some money!"
Alright, that's it. You like this business? I hope so. Go ahead and share us on your social networking site of choice, or just email us to all the people who keep sending you email forwards. Let us know what you like, what you hate and what you want see made fun of. And keep coming back for the jokes every day (although you can skip Saturday) and have a great Wednesday!
Actress and human-incubator Natalie Portman responded to the video of fashion designer John Galliano making anti-Semitic remarks by saying she was "disgusted." That's a harsh criticism coming from someone who was in all three Star Wars prequels.
At the Vanity Fair Oscar party, actress and slap-dispenser Joan Collins was rushed to the hospital after feeling faint. The culprit? Her dress was too tight. Happy Women's History Month, everybody!
In London, a Libyan diplomat recently expressed sorrow over recent events and was quoted as saying "I think we realize that he's crazy, but we have no alternative. We have no ways to get rid of him until now." He then clarified, "No, I'm talking about Colonel Gaddafi, not Charlie Sheen. Leave that poor man alone!"
In a related story, Nelly Furtado announced she will be giving away $1million she earned from a private performance for the Gaddafi family. The money will now be used to help pay the salaries of Two and a Half Men crew members.
In other Gadaffi news, Saif Gadaffi has been charged with plagiarizing parts of his dissertation, which puts him in danger of losing his Ph.D. The embattled scholar responded by saying, "that's just great! What else can go wrong? Oh, right."
In American politics, Newt Gingrich appears to be gearing up for a Presidential run in 2012. Pundits and analysts say he has a good chance, but he will have to overcome the fact that he's Newt Gingrich.
Christina Aguilera was arrested for public intoxication yesterday. Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Britney Spears stared wistfully out a window and thought of days gone by.
Finally, the Department of the Interior issued a permit for deep water drilling in the Gulf of Mexico for the first time since the BP catastrophe last year. A government spokesman explained, "look, I know we've had trouble in the past, but they've changed! It'll be different this time. We're going to be so happy together..." A nearby oil executive added, "that's right, baby. This is a truly great moment for people with no understanding of history. Now let's go make some money!"
Alright, that's it. You like this business? I hope so. Go ahead and share us on your social networking site of choice, or just email us to all the people who keep sending you email forwards. Let us know what you like, what you hate and what you want see made fun of. And keep coming back for the jokes every day (although you can skip Saturday) and have a great Wednesday!
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