Let's do this.
In London, the embattled newspaper News of the World shut down yesterday after 168 years of publishing. This is especially awful for anyone who got stumped on Sunday's crossword puzzle.
In a suburb of Detroit, a woman faces 93 days in jail over a vegetable garden in her front yard. Apparently it goes against the city's strong pro-bleak legislation.
In Dallas, a Rihanna concert had to be cancelled after a fire broke out above the stage. The evacuation was delayed, however, when concert staff misunderstood the chants of "the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!"
In New Zealand, a representative for a national business group came under fire last week for linking female worker productivity to menstrual cycles. It was a pretty big deal last week, but for some reason it just doesn't seem that important this week.
Music sales are up this year, leading to speculation that kids today are too stupid to figure out how to use bittorrent.
In California, Prince William and Kate Middleton wrapped up a visit to California with a visit to Santa Monica's skid row and a polo match. Apparently they really like horse.
In international news, the U.S. announced they will be halting approximately $800 million in military aid. Jeez, you hide one mass-murderer...
And lastly, Vinny Guadagnino, AKA "Vinny" of The Jersey Shore, returned to the show's beach house this weekend after earlier quitting the series. So, they're all back? Great, go ahead and board it up, guys. Hurry, before they run out of mixers!
Okay, that's all for today. Let's do this again tomorrow, what do you say?
Till then, have a great day!
Showing posts with label prince william. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prince william. Show all posts
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 5, 2011
Okay, it's Tuesday. Nothing you can do about it, so you might as well laugh. To that end, may I interest you in some jokes?
McDonald's announced it is hiring 50,000 new workers as part of a planned expansion across America. The news sent stock prices skyrocketing for companies that manufacture fat pants.
Speaking of fat pants, looks like Kevin Smith dodged a bullet when he got booted off a Southwest flight for being overweight, as it turns out their planes are made of fatigued steel and good intentions. Not a great place for a big guy.
In television news news, CBS anchor Katie Couric is leaving the network to pursue her first love: undergoing colonoscopies and making people watch the video.
President Obama announced this weekend he is seeking reelection. It's great that he's taken on the work of campaigning, because he's had way too much free time lately.
A rumor is circulating that princess-to-be Kate Middleton may have to sign a prenup agreement. When reached for comment, Prince William simply said "I ain't no chump."
In Kazakhstan, President Nazarbayev won a completely fair and transparent election recently, taking 95.5% of the vote. In a related story, 4.5% of Kazakhstani people just got really nervous.
After a disastrous opening night in Detroit, Charlie Sheen's not-at-all-insane live tour got rave reviews in Chicago. Why? Because he's bi-polar. He's mentally ill, and he needs help.
Lastly, a record was set this past week for modern Chinese art, when a Chinese artist sold a triptych of paintings for $10 million. It was originally a tetrad, but censors confiscated the fourth painting. Because they're totalitarian!
Okay, that's all from me. Keep slogging away, friends! Share the "joy" with your friends and acquaintances and come back for more tomorrow! And as always, have a great day!
McDonald's announced it is hiring 50,000 new workers as part of a planned expansion across America. The news sent stock prices skyrocketing for companies that manufacture fat pants.
Speaking of fat pants, looks like Kevin Smith dodged a bullet when he got booted off a Southwest flight for being overweight, as it turns out their planes are made of fatigued steel and good intentions. Not a great place for a big guy.
In television news news, CBS anchor Katie Couric is leaving the network to pursue her first love: undergoing colonoscopies and making people watch the video.
President Obama announced this weekend he is seeking reelection. It's great that he's taken on the work of campaigning, because he's had way too much free time lately.
A rumor is circulating that princess-to-be Kate Middleton may have to sign a prenup agreement. When reached for comment, Prince William simply said "I ain't no chump."
In Kazakhstan, President Nazarbayev won a completely fair and transparent election recently, taking 95.5% of the vote. In a related story, 4.5% of Kazakhstani people just got really nervous.
After a disastrous opening night in Detroit, Charlie Sheen's not-at-all-insane live tour got rave reviews in Chicago. Why? Because he's bi-polar. He's mentally ill, and he needs help.
Lastly, a record was set this past week for modern Chinese art, when a Chinese artist sold a triptych of paintings for $10 million. It was originally a tetrad, but censors confiscated the fourth painting. Because they're totalitarian!
Okay, that's all from me. Keep slogging away, friends! Share the "joy" with your friends and acquaintances and come back for more tomorrow! And as always, have a great day!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - April 4, 2011
Welcome back, everyone! Did you have great weekend? Well, it's over now. Perhaps some jokes will make the day fly by. Let's see!
In Vietnam, an endangered giant turtle was captured and given medical treatment this weekend. Over fifty volunteers and doctors spent hours working to get the sacred turtle to a special turtle hospital on a nearby island for treatment. Next, these guys are going to try and get Charlie Sheen to see a psychiatrist.
In royal wedding news, Prince William said that he won't be wearing a wedding ring. Well, that should make it easier for him to cheat on his wife.
Prince William also admitted to having pre-wedding jitters, which is pretty smart considering how these things tend to work out in his family.
Elsewhere in England, chanteuse Susan Boyle turned 50 years old on Friday, putting her friends and family in the awkward position of singing "Happy Birthday" to Susan Boyle. No pressure.
Speaking of music, John Mellencamp, whose musical career has chronicled the death of rural America, is working on a musical with Stephen King, whose literary career has chronicled horrific deaths in rural America. It's sure to be the feel good hit of the season. And it'll probably open before Turn Off The Dark.
Speaking of musicians writing, Billy Joel decided to cancel work on his barely-anticipated memoir last week. A representative from Borders said "damn, we were counting on that to save our stores. No, I'm just kidding. No one gives a shit what Billy Joel has to say. Hey, while you're here, wanna buy a shelf?"
In Florida, a missing teenager found hiding in a meth lab bit a police office who tried to bring her out of the house. Fortunately, her teeth were all rotted out from meth, so no one was hurt.
Lastly, Republican Congressional leaders announced a plan to cut four trillion dollars from the federal budget. The plan involves printing on both sides of paper in all federal offices, and defunding NPR eighty thousand times.
In Vietnam, an endangered giant turtle was captured and given medical treatment this weekend. Over fifty volunteers and doctors spent hours working to get the sacred turtle to a special turtle hospital on a nearby island for treatment. Next, these guys are going to try and get Charlie Sheen to see a psychiatrist.
In royal wedding news, Prince William said that he won't be wearing a wedding ring. Well, that should make it easier for him to cheat on his wife.
Prince William also admitted to having pre-wedding jitters, which is pretty smart considering how these things tend to work out in his family.
Elsewhere in England, chanteuse Susan Boyle turned 50 years old on Friday, putting her friends and family in the awkward position of singing "Happy Birthday" to Susan Boyle. No pressure.
Speaking of music, John Mellencamp, whose musical career has chronicled the death of rural America, is working on a musical with Stephen King, whose literary career has chronicled horrific deaths in rural America. It's sure to be the feel good hit of the season. And it'll probably open before Turn Off The Dark.
Speaking of musicians writing, Billy Joel decided to cancel work on his barely-anticipated memoir last week. A representative from Borders said "damn, we were counting on that to save our stores. No, I'm just kidding. No one gives a shit what Billy Joel has to say. Hey, while you're here, wanna buy a shelf?"
In Florida, a missing teenager found hiding in a meth lab bit a police office who tried to bring her out of the house. Fortunately, her teeth were all rotted out from meth, so no one was hurt.
Lastly, Republican Congressional leaders announced a plan to cut four trillion dollars from the federal budget. The plan involves printing on both sides of paper in all federal offices, and defunding NPR eighty thousand times.
Okay, that's all from me today. Tell your friends and repost this like it's a dancing cat that just came from the dentist on Friday. Come back tomorrow for more stuff like this stuff, and until then, have a great day!
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