Late edition! Still relevant, probably!
Marine biologists reported that a dolphin society, once divided into two groups, is now reunited. Scientists attribute this to a lack of Internet usage among dolphins.
Senate Leader Harry Reid said yesterday that Gov. Mitt Romney hasn't paid taxes in ten years. He offered no proof for the statement, other than saying an unnamed former investor with Bain Capital called and told him. He went on to say that Gov. Romney also has cooties, but declined to provide a source.
Speaking of Harry Reid, Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) apologized for calling Senate Leader Harry Reid "incompetent," explaining that he meant to call him "incontinent." Sorry, that's a crap joke.
Speaking of crap jokes, doctors confirm that cases of Whooping Cough are increasing among children, and vaccines are no longer fully effective against newer strains. Whoopi Goldberg has been cleared of any responsibility.
Yesterday, Yahoo! put out a message confirming that their email and messenger service was down, because otherwise you would have never known.
Italian Prime Minister Mario Monti said he sees "a light at the end of the tunnel" for the eurozone debt crisis. This is actually terrible news, as it most likely means that Italy's Prime Minister is in the midst of a near death experience.
General Motors said yesterday that their advertising is not helping to boost the auto maker's sales. If this trend continues, they may be forced to consider actually making a decent product.
And finally, two of the Internet's largest online poker websites agreed to forfeit $731 million in a settlement that proves they did not know when to fold 'em.
That's it! See you tomorrow, kiddos!
Showing posts with label general motors. Show all posts
Showing posts with label general motors. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - July 5, 2012
Good morning, everybody. I hope you're having a groovy Thursday. I know I (probably) am. I don't know for sure. I write these in advance. If anyone can confirm the grooviness of my Thursday, please let me know. In exchange, partake of these jokes.
Did you hear about the big discovery in physics? Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Cern, Switzerland, believe they have confirmed the existence of one of the building blocks of the universe: the Higgs Boson particle. In case you didn't know, this is kind of a big deal. So much so that the atmosphere at the press conference confirming the discovery was "like a rock concert" according to a physicist who has never been to a rock concert. In honor of their hard work, I now offer you some particle-themed dirty talk:
1. Just like the Higgs Boson, I'll help you get a firmer grasp of physics. And by "physics" I mean my penis.
2. Wanna super-collide our junk?
3. Maybe I'm drunk, but you look like you could be a Standard Model.
4. Mmm.... Gonna tap 'dat mass.
5. Your body is having an indirect effect on my pants.
Did you hear about the big discovery in physics? Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Cern, Switzerland, believe they have confirmed the existence of one of the building blocks of the universe: the Higgs Boson particle. In case you didn't know, this is kind of a big deal. So much so that the atmosphere at the press conference confirming the discovery was "like a rock concert" according to a physicist who has never been to a rock concert. In honor of their hard work, I now offer you some particle-themed dirty talk:
1. Just like the Higgs Boson, I'll help you get a firmer grasp of physics. And by "physics" I mean my penis.
2. Wanna super-collide our junk?
3. Maybe I'm drunk, but you look like you could be a Standard Model.
4. Mmm.... Gonna tap 'dat mass.
5. Your body is having an indirect effect on my pants.
In other news, a Kansas City police officer was accused this week of demanding that prostitutes have sex with him in order to avoid being arrested. And now no one gets off.
Facebook and General Motors are back in talks to put GM ads on Facebook again, but only if Facebook can promise better effectiveness for the ads, and fewer event invitations. Honestly, who likes those?
In Venice Beach, California, a nude man was found screaming and humping the air, apparently upset that he had just now found out he'd lost California's GOP Presidential Primary.
In television news, the major networks are heading to court to oppose Dish Network's new ad-skipping feature. But no one seems to mind their similar Whitney-skipping feature.
And finally, we've all heard by now that Tom Cruise is getting divorced for the second time, just as he's about to turn 50 years old. Yikes. A fifty year-old double-divorcee... I just can't imagine many women are gonna be sleeping with him now.
That's it. Keep on truckin' good buddies.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - April 21, 2011
You ever have one of those days that turns out to be a Thursday? I think this is going to be one of those. Now, for jokes.
President Obama is scheduled to tour Facebook headquarters soon. An excited Mark Zuckerberg said "I hope he likes it!" Whatever, they're not all great.
The cast of Happy Days sued CBS over DVD royalties recently, and CBS quickly caved to their demands after CBS President Les Moonves lost a dance-off to Henry Winkler. The Fonz is still king!
In Russia, Vladimir Putin responded to reports of a decline in the country's birthrate with his own plan to boost Russian fertility... one lucky lady at a time.
Speaking of lucky ladies, Sila Sahin, a Turkish-German actress, became the first Turkish woman to pose for German Playboy this month. Hopefully her pictorial will bring Germans and Turks together through masturbation.
The U.S. Treasury Department could begin selling off General Motors stock this summer. Why? To make room for the next model year's bailout! Everything must go!
In Florida, an unemployment agency spent more than $14,000 on red superhero capes for the unemployed. Upon learning it was part of a public relations campaign, one disappointed participant said "aw, man, I thought they were getting me a job as a bull fighter. I've always wanted to do that. Oh well, guess it's back to quiet desperation and an endless cycle of hopelessness for me!"
This week a report came out that a Delta Airlines plane was grounded for having rodent droppings "too numerous to count," as well as a significant presence of rodent urine. The report outraged Delta President Ed Bastian, who exclaimed "these rats have been flying for FREE?! I won't stand for it!" He then proposed the airline start selling Rodent-Free Upgrades to travelers this summer.
Lastly, Tyler Perry told Spike Lee to "go straight to Hell" this week, and inadvertently gave away the plot for the next Madea movie.
That's all for me! Spencer's back tomorrow (I think?) and Earnest is here Sunday for all your comedy needs. Follow them @spinlenox and @earnestp on Twitter if you like that sort of thing, and if you're in Hoboken tomorrow, come see my show at Clam Broth House at 9pm. Just like the blog, it's free!
Have a great day, all day, and we'll see you soon!
President Obama is scheduled to tour Facebook headquarters soon. An excited Mark Zuckerberg said "I hope he likes it!" Whatever, they're not all great.
The cast of Happy Days sued CBS over DVD royalties recently, and CBS quickly caved to their demands after CBS President Les Moonves lost a dance-off to Henry Winkler. The Fonz is still king!
In Russia, Vladimir Putin responded to reports of a decline in the country's birthrate with his own plan to boost Russian fertility... one lucky lady at a time.
Speaking of lucky ladies, Sila Sahin, a Turkish-German actress, became the first Turkish woman to pose for German Playboy this month. Hopefully her pictorial will bring Germans and Turks together through masturbation.
The U.S. Treasury Department could begin selling off General Motors stock this summer. Why? To make room for the next model year's bailout! Everything must go!
In Florida, an unemployment agency spent more than $14,000 on red superhero capes for the unemployed. Upon learning it was part of a public relations campaign, one disappointed participant said "aw, man, I thought they were getting me a job as a bull fighter. I've always wanted to do that. Oh well, guess it's back to quiet desperation and an endless cycle of hopelessness for me!"
This week a report came out that a Delta Airlines plane was grounded for having rodent droppings "too numerous to count," as well as a significant presence of rodent urine. The report outraged Delta President Ed Bastian, who exclaimed "these rats have been flying for FREE?! I won't stand for it!" He then proposed the airline start selling Rodent-Free Upgrades to travelers this summer.
Lastly, Tyler Perry told Spike Lee to "go straight to Hell" this week, and inadvertently gave away the plot for the next Madea movie.
That's all for me! Spencer's back tomorrow (I think?) and Earnest is here Sunday for all your comedy needs. Follow them @spinlenox and @earnestp on Twitter if you like that sort of thing, and if you're in Hoboken tomorrow, come see my show at Clam Broth House at 9pm. Just like the blog, it's free!
Have a great day, all day, and we'll see you soon!
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