Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 1, 2012

Happy May Day! How will you be celebrating? Perhaps by angrily taking to the streets? Or dancing happily around a large pole? Either option is equally valid. First, enjoy some jokes.

Presidential "candidate" Mitt Romney said that just like President Obama, he also would have ordered the raid on bin Laden's compound last year. But he would have ordered it from China.

A woman was just rescued in Utah after spending four days stranded in the desert. Or as the rest of us call it, "being in Utah."

Clive Palmer, an Australian billionaire, is now building and plans to sail a ship called "Titanic II" from London to New York. James Cameron responded to the news by saying "I love sequels!"

The Macmillan Cancer Support charity in England says that not enough women are using sunscreen. It also kindly offered to help women apply the sunscreen. And, you know, maybe get a drink afterward?

United States armed forces are joining the hunt for African mega-bastard Joseph Kony. Has anyone checked Pakistan?

The HDNet channel is launching a reality show about the women at a legal brothel in Nevada. Hmm. Television program about legally-sanctioned prostitutes? Didn't that used to be called C-SPAN?

BOOM!

In Murfreesboro, Tennessee, a trial is underway to prevent the construction of a mosque in the town on the grounds that the Imams might start teaching evolution.

And finally, Microsoft just bought a sizable stake in Barnes and Noble's Nook device, so look out for them to stop working any time now.

That's it! But since you've been so good, enjoy this May Day goodness:

"May Queen," by Liz Phair. Not related to Brian May of Queen.

Hey, how about the Haymarket riots?

That's all!

Monday Morning Monologue - March 12, 2012

Good time of day to you! How was your 47 hour weekend? I'm pretty sure if I had that extra hour I could have solved the whole economic crisis thing. But I didn't. So thanks a lot, G.V. Hudson. I did have time to write these jokes. So you can read them.

In politics, Newt Gingrich said this weekend that Mitt Romney was the weakest GOP front runner in the last 90 years. He also said that self-awareness is for losers.

An Egyptian court acquitted a doctor charged with performing unwanted virginity tests on female protesters. He's already found a new job, too, working for Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell.

Nicolette Sheridan's wrongful termination suits against Desperate Housewives is almost over, which is one reason the trial is better than the show.

Former presidential candidate Rick Perry said today that if he runs for president again in 2016, he will definitely "remember the third thing." The fact that he's calling it the "third thing" means he's probably forgotten it already.

Internet videos about the atrocities committed by Ugandan shit-bastard Joseph Kony have gone viral, although the auto-tuned versions were probably not needed.

Bruce Springsteen performed at the Apollo Theater this weekend. The show was going well until he started playing his new stuff and the clown pushed him off the stage.

And finally, a NASA scientist claims he was fired from his job for believing in the "intelligent design" theory of evolution. He also believes that self-awareness is for losers.

That's it. See you tomorrow!

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 8, 2012

One more time, my friends. Here are some jokes of varying levels of hilarity. Enjoy at will!

PayPal is demanding vendors remove "obscene" e-books or lose their PayPal accounts. That means The Fountainhead, right?

In Michigan, a million dollar lottery winner is now on public assistance. What a shock that someone who buys lottery tickets would have trouble managing money.

Ugandan mega-shit Joseph Kony has been targeted by Twitter users who are trying to shed light on his atrocious crimes and inspire others to take action against him. If it works, maybe we can finally do something about Chris Brown and Whitney.

Following Mitt Romney's "Super Tuesday" wins, fellow candidates Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich both rejected calls to quit. One analyst explained "they've based their entire campaigns on making horrible decisions, why would they stop now?"

The classic computer game SimCity is returning with a special "City Manager Version" on sale only in Michigan. It's just like the regular game, except you have absolutely no say in what happens, and your cities end up getting sold off to golf course developers.

Country singer Jerrod Niemann's tour bus burned up in Tennessee yesterday, spawning another hit single for Niemann.

In international news this week, Hamas denied being proxy for Iran, according to an Iranian press release.

And finally, the ReelzChannel has scheduled a pro-Palin documentary to air the same weekend as HBO's new film Game Chang. According to a representative from ReelzChannel (which does not in fact sound real), their decision is not motivated at all by politics. Nope, it's motivated by money, just like Sarah Palin.

BOOM! Okay, that wraps it up for me. Let's do this again soon, what do you say? Until then, have a series of great days. And don't forget to set your clocks ahead one hour! To help remind you, here's "Clocks."